Fighting To Survive
by jennylyne
Summary: Her world falls apart after he leaves. Will she be strong enough to survive it? The final chapter is up! I appreciate all that have read and reviewed. I hope that it has been an enjoyable read.
1. Chapter 1

Fighting to Survive Chapter 1

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

"What is she doing?" Cragen watched his lead detective come unglued as she interrogated their main suspect in what was a huge rape/murder case. "Get her out of there…Now!"

Fin made his way into the small room quickly grabbing his colleague by the arms to restrain her. She had managed to pull the cuffed man to his feet, forcefully shoving him backwards into the nearest wall with one fluid movement.

"What are you doing?" Olivia hissed as she pulled from Fin's grasp.

"You're done." Fin motioned with his head toward the window making it clear that their boss had witnessed her interrogation strategy.

Olivia turned back to the seemingly unfazed man who simply stared at her with a slight smirk on his face. Her vision blurred as the room turned a dark shade of red. She was angry at what this monster had done. What they knew he had done and what she was going to get him to confess to. She took a step away from Fin, turning toward the door.

"Better luck next time, sweetheart." After choosing to indulge his right to remain silent the better part of the hour Olivia and Nick worked at him, he chose now to speak. Olivia spun around, instantly colliding into the chest of her new partner.

Nick wasn't so new anymore. It had been a few months since Elliot had decided to leave. Leave the SVU, the force, her. Olivia liked Nick and they were quickly forming a bond of their own, but he was not Elliot.

He was not Elliot, Elliot was not here and she was not herself. This would make the third time in as many weeks that Cragen had to pull her due to her lack of control.

"Easy, Liv." Nick was careful not to touch her. She was angry, that was obvious. Olivia heard her partner and his easy demeanor was enough to bring her down a notch. She ran her hand through her hair before quickly exiting the room.

"My office. Now!" Cragen's tone made her jump slightly as she hesitated giving him a head start. Olivia had been out of her element these last couple of months. It wasn't much of a surprise to those around her. Elliot had reacted the same way whenever she had left the unit for any amount of time. Cragen was concerned, finding himself worrying more and more each day about where her head was.

Olivia dropped the anger and entered her captain's office with a defeated tone to her walk. "Cap, I…"

"Lost it…again." Cragen was angry and she needed to know it. "What the hell is going on with you, Benson?"

"It's just one of those cases that…"

"All of our cases are just one of those cases. It's what we do here. I'd think you'd have figured that much out after thirteen years in this unit." Cragen had started to pace behind her as she stood in front of his desk. He stopped when he made his way back behind his desk. His eyes met hers and he could see the trouble that hid behind the dark circles. She was losing weight again and he knew this often happened when she was in over her head. He wanted to ask if she was okay, but right now he needed to be angry with her. She was the best he had and she was losing it right before his eyes.

"Maybe it's time to transfer out." Cragen met Olivia's eyes and instantly felt the panic that displayed itself in them.

"Sir, I don't want to…I can't leave…please don't do this to me." Olivia's voice trailed off as she spoke, her head falling forward as she let herself sit down in what was often referred to as the hot seat. It was usually reserved for Elliot, but she occupied it more and more these days.

Cragen made his way around to sit on the front of his desk. He watched her with a heavy heart. "Liv, you can't go on like this. I know Elliot leaving has been hard on you the most, but…"

"It's not that." Olivia's quick insistence surprised even her.

"Then what is it. Talk to me." Cragen always had a soft spot for Olivia Benson and he still cared deeply for her. Neither of them ever spoke of how he had held her like a father would when he found her in the cribs after it was announced Elliot would not return. Superior officers didn't console their charges in that manner, ever. But Don Cragen was worried about Olivia, and he continued to worry now.

There was a few moments of silence before Olivia took a deep breath. "I suppose you will be suspending me?"

"Why don't you take some down time. I know you have plenty saved up." Cragen watched as Olivia rubbed her temples. "Maybe a break will do you some good."

"How long?"

"As long as you need." Cragen stood prompting Olivia to do the same. She slightly nodded before making her way to the door.

"I need to come back, sir. I'm not done here." Cragen hated the way her voice reflected her broken spirit.

"When you're ready, Detective." Olivia waited before opening the door to her boss' office. Cragen expected her to say something more, but realized she had said what she needed to as she made her way out into the bullpen. He watched her carefully as she slowly pulled her purse from her lower desk drawer. He noticed her movements seemed forced as she favored her right side more so than normal. He forced the thoughts from his mind that she may be in over her head outside of the job. He made it a point not to pry and she very rarely shared her personal life with anybody, except maybe Elliot; sometimes.

"Hey Charlie. Double up tonight." Olivia sat in her usual spot at the bar just down a few blocks from her apartment. She had became a regular customer and looked forward to seeing Charlie after work each night.

"Rough night, Detective?" Olivia really liked her new friend. He usually called a spade a spade, never meaning any harm. He placed her double shot down in front of her asking for I.D. "I knew I'd get a smile out of that one."

Olivia didn't smile much any more, no real reason to. She forced one for her friend just to hear him tell her how beautiful she was when she did so. Charlie left her to her thoughts and her drink as he tended to the other customers, most of whom Olivia was beginning to recognize as regulars.

She found herself drinking more and more in the days, weeks and now months since Elliot had left. He called her once, but not since. He wanted to apologize for leaving so suddenly, without discussing it with her first. She heard him out because he needed her to. She was always there when he needed her to be. It's just who they were. He, however often was not. And this time it was no different. She needed him to be here, with her, for her, by her; and he wasn't. He had left her because he couldn't take it any longer. He had left her.

Olivia ordered another double and sank back deeper into her chair. Charlie brushed her hand with his as he placed the drink down in front of her. "Keep on and I just might have to take you home. I mean I might have to make sure you get home safely."

Olivia flashed a real grin his way this time. She knew he was looking out for her, but she also knew she was fine. Just needed a little something to take the edge off. She's needed that a lot lately and it only bothered her slightly that she was falling into a fairly predictable routine. She never thought she'd ever be a regular at any bar. She needed to gather up the strength to face her boyfriend of two months now.

Richard Morris. Rich was handsome, successful and attentive. He wanted to spend every minute with Olivia, often begging her to quit her job. He could and would support them both if she agreed to give up the dangerous job that kept her away from him for long hours each day. She found herself needing him even when she was feeling smothered. He came off as controlling, but Olivia knew she was so set in her ways as an independent woman that she could easily be misunderstanding his actions. He filled that void for her when Elliot left. She hadn't been intimate with Elliot, but he still filled such a strong need within her. Richard came into her life just in time to save her from drowning in Elliot's absence.

Richard was pressuring her to commit to him. He loved her, he often said after she would refuse to leave the force for him. She didn't love Richard; she needed him. She needed him to make her feel alive, wanted, needed. He treated her as only a prince in a fairy tale would, as the main hero in her childhood daydreams.

He showered her with gifts she didn't want, attention she wasn't used to and demands she ignored. It was getting worse and she was getting nervous. She had asked him to leave last night after he demanded she make love to him.

Olivia needed and wanted the contact, the intimacy, but she refused to be forced to do anything she didn't want or wasn't ready to do. It's what she fought against every day. She recalled the fight she and Richard had as she finished off her second double shot in record time. She wasn't nursing anything tonight except for what she believed to be a bruised rib. Richard was angry when she not only refused him, but demanded he leave. His knee slamming into her ribcage as he forcefully slammed her into the wall that bordered her bedroom.

Olivia reacted as she was trained. Her gun in his face within seconds. Richard made the mistake of not waiting for her to secure her weapon when she returned home. She demanded he leave, not wanting to press charges for assault on a police officer. She listened to him apologize and beg her for another chance. Her mind was yelling at her to pay attention. This good-looking, rich man that she could so easily fall in love with eventually had just attacked her. Her emotions were in such a tailspin that she allowed him to walk out of her apartment with a promise to talk tomorrow; tonight after work.

Olivia ordered one more as she knew she needed the courage to face Richard and her inability to be alone right now. Charlie served her up with a questioning look.

"I'm fine, Chuck. Just had a rough day." Olivia watched as Charlie let his eyes skim her body. "Stop flirting with me, unless it'll pay the tab."

"New York's finest? And I do mean finest. It's on the house, doll." Charlie wiped down the counter in front of her. "No more."

"I can't believe you're cutting me off, already." Olivia's could flirt just the same as she let her eyes float over his body as well.

"Just from drinking." Charlie winked as he left her alone once again.

Olivia pulled her phone from her pocket. Three missed calls from Richard. None from Elliot. That was pretty much the norm, she had stopped hoping to see his name on her phone's call list. She replaced her phone and pulled a twenty from her purse. Charlie's tip if nothing else.

She walked the short distance to her apartment hoping for some down time. She'd call Richard and set up lunch or something for tomorrow. Tonight she just wanted to crawl into bed and feel sorry for herself. She had screwed up again at work. Enough to make Cragen suggest transferring her out of the unit. Her patience was thin, her needs demanding and her heart broken. He didn't even know she loved him, she doubted it would matter if he did.

She made it to her apartment door as the effects of the alcohol began to settle her nerves. She thought about a long, hot bath and climbing directly into bed after that. Her suspension, or the alternative Cragen offered began in the morning, so she would try to sort out her life then. Tonight she would cave and let sleep consume her.

Olivia felt her balance shift as she found herself suddenly pushed face first into her door. A strong hand covered her mouth as she felt the pressure on her side as her gun was forcefully removed from her. She briefly wondered about her instincts and how they failed her, but was directed back to the now by Richard's deep voice in her ear.

"I really wish you wouldn't ignore my calls." He took the keys from her hand and unlocked the door. His hold on her was tight enough to make her comply as her heart began to pick up it's pace. Once inside, Richard locked the door before releasing Olivia. He held her gun in his hand, carefully inspecting it.

"What are you doing?" Olivia was unsure of her plan of action. Her head began to swim just slightly, enough to make her doubt her reflexes.

"I called you, but you didn't answer. I called the station, they said you had left for the day. I don't like to be ignored, Liv." Richard continued to inspect the gun before aiming it at her.

Olivia wondered if he knew what he was doing with her gun. They never discussed if he was comfortable with one, but she decided he must be by the way he handled hers.

"Okay, tell me what you want." Olivia kept her hands in a surrendering position as she carefully watched his every move.

"I want you. I want you to realize you do not call the shots when it comes to me." Richard took a few steps toward Olivia who instinctively took the same amount of steps back.

"I'm sorry. I just thought…"

"No. No apologies now. Come here, love." Richard motioned with Olivia's gun for her to come towards him. Olivia shook her head as she took another step backwards. Her personal piece was on a shelf in her closet, but she doubted she could manage to get to it.

"We can do this the easy way or the hard way." Richard matched her steps as they continued the painstaking waltz across her living room floor.

"Richard, please." Olivia wasn't sure what he was capable of. She feared rape, but she did believe him when he told her he loved her.

"I didn't hear you begging for me when you threw me out last night." He laughed as Olivia continued to back away from him. "Come here." Richard's voice was demanding and it caused Olivia to shake slightly where she stood. She knew she couldn't physically defend herself against the gun, giving her no choice but to wait for Richard to make a move before she would know how to defend against him.

"You wanted to talk, so let's talk." It was a last ditch effort to diffuse his intentions and Olivia could tell by his expression it wasn't working.

"I'm not talking anymore." Richard closed the distance between them quickly before sending the gun crashing into Olivia's face. The metal connecting with her cheekbone caused her to stumble off balance directly into Richard's arms. He held her arms with his hard hands, forcing her upright against the wall.

"Now, back to last night. I want you to make love to me and tonight you will." Richard laughed at the panic that filled her eyes as he forced his mouth onto hers.


	2. Chapter 2

Fighting to Survive Chapter 2

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

A/N: This story is rather dark and heavy. Some of you may know how I like to play with emotion in my writing. This story will probably be a very emotional and bumpy ride. I decided to step out of my comfort zone a bit, so hang on. I know a little bit about a lot of things, but am no expert at anything, except maybe how to function on little to no sleep. I do know quite a bit about that! Bear with me with the mistakes I'm sure will be and let me know how I'm doing. Now, on with the story.

Olivia bit down hard on Richard's tongue causing him to pull away in obvious pain. She immediately followed up with her powerful right hook knocking him off balance. The exertion made her vision blur as the alcohol was hindering her actions. Richard staggered backwards until his knees hit her coffee table, causing him to land clumsily on her living room floor.

"You bitch!" Olivia was propelled forward at the sound of his threatening voice. She made the decision to go for her weapon that was secured in her closet. She only had a second to think about the consequences if she didn't get to it in time. She knew Richard wasn't hurt and would come at her with the full extent of his fury now that she had chosen to defend herself.

Olivia took off for her bedroom, pleading with her heart to slow down. She could only hear her own breathing as she reached her closet. She located the gun box instantly and reached up high to grab it. She didn't hear Richard make his way up behind her until she felt his powerful grip on her waist. He jerked her back, refusing to let her squirm from his grasp.

"Richard, please, don't do this." Olivia cringed as he forced her against the wall of her bedroom. She barely registered the picture that fell from the wall as her body slammed up against it. Richard ignored her pleas as he forced his knee up between hers to further disable her.

"Richard, I'm a police officer. Things will be so much worse…" Richard silenced her with a forceful slap that caused her to slide down the wall slightly. Olivia forced herself to stay in the now, refusing to let her mind take her back to Sealview and Lowell Harris.

It was almost as if Richard was waiting for her to decide what she wanted to do. Olivia had to make a decision whether to concede to his demands or to continue to fight what would ultimately be a losing battle. She used what strength she had to shove Richard a few feet from her; enough to allow her to break free once again. She made it a few feet before his weight was on her with a crushing tackle.

"No!" Olivia's voice was forced as her breathing was compromised. Richard hovered over her, almost daring her to strike him again. "Richard, please."

Richard didn't speak, he just stared at her while he used his body to restrain her. Olivia feared the trance like gaze he subjected her to and wondered if he wasn't on something. Olivia's felt yet another crushing blow to her face as Richard delivered another shot, this time closed fist.

He effortlessly pulled Olivia up off the ground so that she had to grab him to keep her balance. He looked hard and ominous as he stood holding her in his powerful grip. Her frantic pleas only managed to arouse him further as he watched her flinch against his threatening fist. He turned and with a single gesture managed to throw her onto her bed. Olivia used the momentum to propel herself up only to be flattened under his weight once again.

Her body was telling her to accept the abuse, but her mind continued to fight. She was Olivia Benson. A New York City Detective. A SVU detective at that. She couldn't let him rape her, here in her own home at that. She flexed every muscle in an effort to refuse him from his continuous assault on her body. Another harsh slap sent her into a whimpering cry that only excited him more.

Her body was giving out on her, but her mind was on overdrive. She had escaped Lowell Harris, barely, but it was becoming clear that she wouldn't escape Richard Morris. He used his strong forearm against her throat to prevent her from being able to struggle against his efforts. She felt her shirt rip open at the same time she felt his leg effortlessly part hers. She was so easily immobilized but she couldn't dwell on that too much as she found herself concentrating on breathing. He had one arm pinned under his heavy torso while the other frantically pulled at the arm that restrained her.

"No! No!" Olivia couldn't believe this was really happening. She felt her pants release at the waist and slide down her legs. His heavy body was able to once again restrain her once he had managed to remove her pants completely. She opened her eyes to find Richard only inches from her face. He had a crazed look on his face as he stared at her.

"Richard, please." Olivia felt a slight release against her throat and welcome the chance to catch her breath. It was short lived as her world went black for a few seconds at the sensation of him forcing himself into her.

She had never experience such pain and for a moment thought this alone would kill her. She allowed her mind to wish he would, kill her, if that would stop the pain. It felt like he was beating her from the inside out in an effort to prove to her that he could control her; completely.

His attack was almost unbearable as the room began to spin. She wondered if there was a God and if so would he allow her to pass out to escape the torture Richard was subjecting her to. She felt the harsh grasp he had on her breasts only when he paused in his movement. Her reprieve lasted only seconds as he once again began hammering into her with a force that made begging useless. She didn't bother, instead concentrating on surviving. She faded into darkness only to be brought back by the sharp stabbing pains as he thrust into her over and over again.

Olivia opened her eyes wide only to snap them shut at the sight she was avoiding. Richard was losing his grip on her as he was nearly ready to lose himself in her. She reached for the only thing within her reach, a marble based lamp on her nightstand. She opened her eyes again as she forced her fingers on her only free hand to curl around the base. It had always seemed so heavy to her before tonight and she prayed she would be able to lift it in her weakened state. She braced against his final blows as he was totally consumed in reaching his climax. As he came into her, she summoned every ounce of strength she had to lift and swing the lamp at his head.

She screamed as he was stunned but not hurt. He shifted to get into a position to take the weapon from her when she used the leverage he allowed her to swing again. He instantly fell onto her bleeding from his head onto her chest. She dropped the lamp and willed herself to pull herself out from under him. She struggled as he had wounded her in a way she had never been hurt. Her strength was shot, her will wounded, and her need to survive shattered.

Olivia lowered her hand to his neck and realized he was still living. She didn't know how long she had to get out from under him and pleaded with her body to work with her. She got to her feet alongside her bed only to collapse when her legs wouldn't hold her. She struggled to get her breathing under control when she saw the blood that trailed down the inside of her legs. Her chest was full of his blood and it too trailed down onto her stomach.

Olivia quickly grabbed her pants, crying in pain as she slid them up onto her hips. She pulled her shirt from the floor realizing it had been torn almost apart. She forced herself to clear the room to her dresser to grab a t-shirt from her drawer. She saw her gun on the ground by her bed and immediately bent to pick it up. Her head began to spin as she allowed herself to collapse on the floor. She pushed herself backward away from the bed to where she could use the wall as support. She wondered where her phone was. She looked down at her hands wishing she could make them stop shaking. She feared briefly she would shoot herself if she didn't stop the violent shaking.

Her eyes fell on her phone as it lay a few feet from her slightly concealed by Richard's pants. She forced her body to move despite the pain. Her holster and cuffs were not far from her reach as well as she quickly grabbed her handcuffs and her phone. She continued to shake and nearly threw up as she gripped the cuffs in her hand. She was so relieved he didn't think to use them on her, not that it mattered too much.

Olivia glanced up to her bed at the motionless animal that had so brutally raped her. It hurt to breathe as she tried to process just what had happened. She flipped open her phone, letting her fingers scroll down until his name appeared on her screen. She wanted to hear his voice, she needed to talk to him. She needed him to come help her. He wouldn't answer; he hadn't in nearly two months now. Not that she called him much, but he left her. He left his old life behind and she was part of that life.

"911, what's your emergency?" It was good to hear someone else's voice.

"This is…this is Olivia…" Olivia struggled with her breathing as her fear was almost paralyzing.

"Ma'am. Do you need medical attention?"

"This is Detective Olivia Benson of….of the Manhattan Special Victims…" Olivia heard her voice break as she spoke. She felt the tears stream down her face as they mixed with the blood that flowed as well.

"Detective, do you need medical attention?"

"Badge number…40.….1..." Olivia panicked when she realized she couldn't remember her badge number. "I need police to my apartment. Address on file." Olivia's voice was heavy as she leaned her head back against the wall.

"Help is in route, Detective. Stay on the line with me. Are you hurt?" Olivia found the operator's voice soothing as she listened to each syllable spoken to her.

"I…need Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot. Please locate her." Olivia felt her eyes closing against her will.

"Will do, Detective. Are you hurt?"

"I just killed a man." Olivia snapped her phone shut. She looked down at the cuffs in her hand and knew she needed to cuff Richard before he regained consciousness. He'd get a quarter maybe for the rape of a police officer. She'd always have him in her head and on her mind as she counted down his time with him.

Olivia heard the familiar scream of police sirens in the distance. She forced herself to her feet and slowly made the exhausting journey to the side of her bed. She had left the cuffs on the floor where she had been in favor of her gun. She gripped her gun in a way that she was so used to. It felt good against her shaking hand, not too heavy, but heavy enough to steady her arm as she raised it carefully.

Olivia closed her eyes as tears streamed down her face. She pulled the trigger sending a single round into the back of Richard's head as he lay unconscious on her bed; the bed he raped her in.


	3. Chapter 3

Fighting to Survive Chapter 3

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Olivia turned without opening her eyes; she had no desire to see the damage caused to Richard's head by her single shot. Her lungs felt bruised and her face suddenly began to throb with pain as she made her way back to her spot on the floor. She shook violently as she listened to the sirens getting closer. Soon. Soon help would arrive, but it was too late. It was too late for Richard and it was too late for her.

She could hear the knocking on her apartment door; she knew they would enter whether she invited them or not. She tried to sit still, tried to control the shaking that was causing her stomach to turn in threatening waves. Her fingers wrapped tightly around the handle of her gun. She concentrated on how the gun felt in her hand and that seemed to help with the way the rest of her body trembled with each breath she took.

"Detective Benson?" Olivia didn't recognize the voice. She allowed her eyes to fall onto Richard. As she took in the sight before her, her body seemed to move on it's own. She stood to her full height, never letting her eyes leave her bed and the form that was once her boyfriend.

Olivia didn't hear the officers enter; she didn't hear them call her name. She did hear their harsh commands and threatening voices. She turned quickly, aiming her gun in a protective gesture that told anybody and everybody she wouldn't be touched again.

"Drop the gun! Drop it now!" Olivia flinched as she stared at the uniform as he yelled at her. Olivia's only response was to adjust her grip on her gun and shift her position to alleviate the pressure she felt between her legs.

"I will shoot you." Olivia watched as the officer grabbed his gun with both hands stepping slowly towards her. She wondered if she knew the officer, but decided she didn't. She kept her gaze on his face as she gripped her gun even tighter.

She hardly made a sound as she hit her face on the cold, hard floor of her bedroom. The officer's partner had slammed into her back, forcing her to the ground as he quickly disarmed her. Olivia closed her eyes as she prayed it wasn't happening again. She wouldn't survive another round.

"No!" Olivia found herself struggling with the officers as they worked together to quickly secure her…with handcuffs. She could feel the cool metal digging into her wrists as she struggled against the cuffs. The officer forcefully jerked her up to her feet, steadying her as he took in her appearance.

"What happened here?" Olivia felt the panic set in as she struggled to breathe. Her hands were cuffed behind her back making it that much harder to maintain her balance.

"What the hell are you doing?" Olivia heard his voice and immediately lowered her head. She wanted to feel relief that he had come, but instead felt instant humiliation and embarrassment.

"Take the fucking cuffs off of her!" Nick was quickly in front of his partner. He held her by the upper arms to steady her as the officer followed the detective's order. He took in the sight of his wounded, damaged partner realizing immediately what had happened.

"Liv? Olivia? Talk to me, Liv." Nick wanted to help her in the worst way, but wasn't sure how much contact she would be able to take right now.

Olivia slowly raised her head, displaying the damage Richard had caused to her face. Nick sucked in a deep breath as he let his eyes survey the rest of her body that was visible. "Elliot?"

"I'll get him." Nick's voice was deep and kept low intentionally. Olivia felt her legs giving out as she had no choice but to fall against her partner. He was a good cop, a good man. She was just sorry he had gotten partnered with her. He didn't deserve a partner like her.

"Get the paramedics in here now.!" Olivia recognized Cragen's voice. She fell to her knees despite Nick's strong hold on her. Cragen had quickly replaced Nick as he pulled Olivia toward his chest. He knew the caution that was to be taken with a rape victim, but this was Olivia, his best detective. Could've been his own daughter as far as he was concerned. Cragen surveyed the room as he felt Olivia shaking against his body.

Olivia refused the medical help when they arrived. Cragen insisted, but relented when she pleaded with him. "No hospital, please sir." Cragen cringed at her words. He knew they would need a rape kit. Not to identify the suspect, but to prove her case. He was able to tell to a point what had transpired. Olivia was dressed, Richard was not. The gunshot was to the back of the head, suggesting execution.

Cragen carefully guided her out of her bedroom and onto the living room couch. She lowered herself onto the couch while her boss remained standing, taking in the disarray in the living room. "Olivia, you've got to tell me what went on here."

"No!" Olivia turned at the voice of her dear friend. Alex rushed into the apartment and was instantly by Olivia's side. "Liv, don't say a word. Don, you know you're obligated to report what you know."

Cragen rubbed his forehead as he watched Olivia continue to fight the vicious shaking that still controlled her. His presence definitely represented a conflict of interest and he knew Alex was right. He left the room leaving the two women alone.

Alex knelt down in front of Olivia encouraging her friend to look her in the eye. Alex's heart broke as she took in the sight before her. Olivia looked like she had been to hell and only half way back. Alex knew Olivia wasn't seeing her despite the fact her eyes were fixed on her own.

"I really want to see Elliot." Olivia's voice was barely a whisper as she continued to look through Alex.

Alex grabbed a hold of Olivia's hands hoping she would respond. "I promise you, I will get a hold of him."

"You can't. He won't answer. He left. He left here, he left me." The tears finally fell as Alex wrapped her arms around her friend, ignoring the blood that was sure to get on her . Alex hoped like hell she could get a hold of him.

Olivia stopped the tears as if to prove she was the strong, tough detective she had always tried to prove she was. "Alex, I killed him."

"Olivia, don't say anything. The evidence is all here, you know that." Alex watched as Cragen hurried into the bedroom at the sound of Nick's angry voice.

"I know. I killed him…after." Alex stared at her friend. She was traumatized, injured and maybe even delirious. Olivia would go to jail if she stuck to this story.

"Don't Liv. He raped you, yes?" Alex figured she better get what she could from Olivia before things got uglier than they already were.

Olivia shook her head. "Yes. I shot him while he was unconscious. I killed him because he raped me."

Alex closed her eyes and then opened them again to look into her friend's eyes. Olivia's stare seemed clearer as her voice seemed to even out as well. "You were defending yourself." Alex knew she was coaching.

"I shot him in the head while he was unconscious. I hit him with the lamp base." Olivia got to her feet and stood straight despite the throbbing in her head. "The evidence will prove that."

Alex stared at her. Olivia's eye was swollen almost shut, and bruises were forming as they spoke. "Liv, you will go to jail. Do you understand me?"

"It's okay." Olivia's voice was broken as she spoke softly. "I'm a cop, they will kill me in there. I don't want to live anymore." Olivia's voice was haunting as Alex knew her words would stick with her for a long time to come.

"Liv, go to the hospital. Get the rape kit done. We'll need it." Alex watched as detectives from another precinct moved closer to them. She wondered when they had arrived.

"No, I can't go through that. I just can't." Olivia hated herself for talking so many victims into consenting to a rape kit after they were victimized.

Alex's words took on a panicked tone. "Please Olivia. I know it's hard, I'll be there with you. Don't give up now."

Olivia glanced back at the detectives before turning her gaze back to her friend. "I…can't."

Alex didn't stop the tears as they began to fall. She watched as Olivia slowly moved her hands around to her back. The detective was gentle but there was nothing kind about being cuffed.

"Olivia Benson, you are under arrest for the murder of Richard Morris. You have the right…"

"I know my rights." The detective stopped instantly hanging his head.

"You never cuff a rape victim." Alex's voice was angry as she hated the feeling of helplessness that filled her.

"She confessed to murder, counselor." He stared down the ADA as she moved to within a few inches of Olivia's face.

"You may have given up, but I haven't." Alex reached out to wipe away the stray tear that remained on Olivia's face. "I'll find Elliot, I promise Liv."

"No, don't. I can't see him. Please, Alex. Don't ever tell him…please." Olivia's voice broke as she was escorted out of her own apartment in handcuffs.

Alex stood motionless as reality sunk in. She looked up into the unbelieving faces of Cragen and Nick.

"She'll never survive on the inside. Cops usually don't. They'll kill her." Cragen was angry.

"She'll survive if she wants to. I just don't know if she wants to." Alex walked past the men into her friend's bedroom where CSU was processing the scene.


	4. Chapter 4

Fighting to Survive Chapter 4

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Nick shook Cragen's hand from his shoulder as he made his way to the front door of Olivia's apartment.

"Where are you going?" Cragen was barely holding it together himself and was worried about the newest addition to his squad.

Nick stopped briefly at the door before turning to make his way back to his captain. "Olivia has been through hell tonight." Nick looked around at the busy commotion throughout the apartment. "We both know what she did and why. They're gonna be gunning for her."

"Maybe. It's not over yet. There still a chance…" Cragen ran his hand over his face. The years were evident in his features as he looked around Olivia's apartment.

"Cap, I'll never forget the look in her eyes when I arrived. She's broken. That mother fucker broke her." Nick kept his voice low as the anger inflated his tone.

Cragen stared his detective down. "Where were you going?"

"She asked for Elliot. I promised I'd get him for her." Nick backed away towards the door once more. He glanced at the body that was being removed from the bedroom before he quickly left the apartment.

Cragen doubted he'd be successful. Elliot seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth when it came to the NYPD or the squad at the one-six. He even cut all ties with Olivia. Cragen figured it was a survival tactic, his bond with Olivia too strong to be healthy. He slowly made his way into Olivia's bedroom where Alex was staring at nothing in particular on the far wall.

"What's going to happen, Alex?" Cragen knew if there was a way to get Olivia out of this, Alex would find it.

"It's really up to her. It just depends on where her head is right now." Alex let her gaze drift to the bed that was soaked in blood. "She shot him, Don. After the rape, after she knocked him unconscious."

Cragen let his eyes scan the scene as well. "Who was this guy?"

"Boyfriend. She had her reservations about him lately. I guess we now know why." Alex blew out a long breath. "She's got to do the rape kit. She's got to try or she'll go away for good."

"Do you think she'll come around eventually?" Don looked at the cuffs that were outlined on the floor.

Alex shrugged. "I don't know. I wish we could find Elliot, he may be our best shot at getting her to fight for herself."

Nick fought to get the scene out of his mind as he drove through the quiet, family neighborhood in Queens. He found the address and pulled up along the curb studying the dark house. He didn't know much about Stabler other than the tragedy that made him leave the force after so many years. He knew that he and Olivia were close; almost co-dependant. Nick also knew that she needed him and Elliot wouldn't ignore her this time; not if he had anything to do with it.

Nick made his way up to the front door, glancing at his watch. It was close to one in the morning and he hoped like hell Elliot was home sleeping. He hoped like hell he wouldn't have to hunt him down further.

Kathy opened the door only when Nick flashed his badge up against the peephole. "What's happened? Is it Elliot?"

The question threw Nick as he realized Elliot probably wasn't home. "I'm looking for Elliot. It's important."

Kathy opened the door wider, stepping out onto the porch. "He's left the police department."

"I know. Is he home?" Nick could see this was a sensitive subject.

"No, he uh, he left his family as well." Nick could see the pain in the woman's eyes. "Last I knew he was staying at a motel in the city. Said he needed the commotion and the noise."

Nick watched Kathy as she returned inside her house only to return a minute or so later with a piece of paper. "Don't know if he's still there, but I'd start there."

Nick thanked her, apologized for waking her and headed off the porch. "It's bad isn't it?" Nick turned. "Why you need him. Something else has happened?"

"His partner…his former partner was hurt tonight and we just need to find him."

"Olivia? Is she going to be okay?" Nick noticed the genuine affection Kathy seemed to have for his partner.

"If I don't find him before you hear from him, please ask him to get a hold of Cragen." Nick picked up the pace as he walked back to his parked car.

The ride back into the city seemed to take forever, even at such a late hour. Nick found the motel Kathy directed him to and made his way into the office. The manager came out from behind the glass at the sight of his badge. "I'm looking for Elliot Stabler, wife says he was staying here."

"Yeah, he pays each week. Spends most of his time over there." Nick followed the managers gaze to a dive about a hundred yards from where they stood. Nick headed across the street wondering just how bad Stabler had gotten in two months.

He made his way through the dark, smoke filled bar looking for one man. He briefly wondered if he'd recognize him, having never met him. Nick was sure he located Elliot at the end of the bar arguing with another patron. Nick leaned up next to him, setting his badge down on the counter.

"Come on, man. I haven't even thrown a punch yet." Elliot recognized the detective's shield and looked at the man behind it despite his best efforts not to.

"I need to talk to you, Stabler." Nick watched as Elliot finished the beer he was working on with one long pull.

"I quit, a while ago. I don't need to talk to anybody…anymore." Elliot turned from Nick to resume his argument.

Nick grabbed his arm, forcing him to face him. Elliot was quick on his feet as his hands immediately grabbed the detective's shirt. "Don't touch me."

Nick intention to get Elliot's full attention was successful. "Olivia's been hurt." Nick watched his words push Elliot off balance. "Bad."

Elliot stared at Nick for a long few seconds before sitting back down in his chair. "Shot?"

Nick was confused by Elliot's reaction. He could see he was worried, he could see how much he cared.

"No." Nick was at a loss for words on how to tell him what had happened to her. "She really needs to see you. She asked for you."

"I can't, okay." Elliot's voice took on a defeated tone.

Nick was suddenly filled with anger at the self pity Elliot threw at him. "Olivia was beaten and raped tonight, Stabler." He watched as Elliot winced against the words that obviously hurt him in the worst way.

Elliot slowly got to his feet. "What hospital?"

"She refused the hospital, she refused the rape kit, she's refusing to help herself." Nick knew he had his full attention and talked quickly as to not lose it.

"Where is she?" Elliot threw money down on the counter and started for the door. He stopped when he didn't get an answer from whom he assumed was Olivia's new partner.

"I assume at the one-eight. They arrested her."

"What?" Elliot was instantly in Nick's face, angry with the wrong person.

"She killed him." Nick was deliberate in his answer.

"Good." Elliot made his way out of the bar and spotted Nick's squad car instantly. He stood by the passenger side door obviously struggling against his own guilt. "Come on!"

Nick hurried over to the car and climbed in. Elliot put the siren in the window. "Take me to her."


	5. Chapter 5

Fighting To Survive Chapter 5

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Olivia was placed in a cell alone once arriving at the one-eight. She was relieved to have the handcuffs removed, but found herself unsure as to what to do with her hands. She wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt to stop the shaking. Her head was throbbing and her body was aching as she slowly lowered herself down onto the small cot that was provided. The constant spinning in her head forced her to lie flat on her back as she covered her face with her arms.

She briefly thought about how this mattress wasn't any better than the ones in the crib back at the one-six. She hurt all over. She was scared as to what would happen next. She hated that her mind kept replaying the entire scene in her bedroom with Richard. The pounding in her head made her cringe as she fought to find relief. Maybe she should've gone to the hospital first. She had refused, simply because she didn't want everybody to know she had been raped. The irony of an SVU detective being raped in her own home by her boyfriend was too much for her. Now that she had a few minutes to herself she was able to think things through. She was sure it was obvious that she had been beaten at her own game. She knew how to decipher a crime scene and so did her team.

Olivia closed her eyes against the tears that formed. She recalled Nick's face when he saw her. It was obvious to her now that he knew, he could tell. She shook her head, how could she think they wouldn't know?

"What happened? Undercover?" Elliot didn't wait for an answer. "Where the hell were you?"

Nick continued to drive, reaching up to quiet the siren. He didn't answer causing Elliot to clench his jaw in frustration. Finally Nick turned toward Elliot briefly before returning his attention to the road.

"I could ask you the same thing." Nick's tone was sharp knowing he was treading on dangerous ground.

"None of your business."

"Olivia is my business, she's my partner. You do remember how that works? She's been a fucked up mess since you left." Nick was nearly yelling by the time he finished causing Elliot to stare him down.

"What happened?" Elliot asked through clenched teeth.

"I don't know exactly. I'm guessing a boyfriend. She wasn't on the job." Nick was instantly sorry for attacking Elliot. He knew what happened and why Stabler left. What he didn't understand is why he felt he had to shut Olivia out the way he had.

Nick stole glances at Elliot as he drove. "She called it in. Responding uniforms had to forcefully remove her weapon from her. She turned it on them. Lucky they didn't shoot her."

"Traumatized." Elliot mumbled. "Why'd they arrest her. She's a victim.

"She admitted to shooting him after he she somehow managed to knock him unconscious." Elliot listened to Nick speak as he created the scene in his head. The thought of Olivia, his Olivia, being brutalized was causing his chest to tighten.

Nick turned the car off, but neither man made a move to get out of the car. "I'm hoping you can talk her into doing a rape kit. We'll need the proof for her trial, otherwise the prosecution will turn it to look like an execution."

Elliot rubbed his forehead, trying in vain to process all that he had been told. "They won't let me in to see her until her arraignment, you know that."

"We've got to try." Nick left Elliot sitting in the car. He silently cursed himself. He didn't want to shut Olivia out. He hated not talking to her everyday. He missed everything about their partnership, but mostly he just missed her. Somehow it was easier, for him, to not have any contact at all with her. He felt like a selfish bastard now knowing how his leaving affected her.

Elliot pulled himself from the car and forced himself to enter the one-eight. He didn't want to see her, but he wanted nothing more than to hold her. He liked thinking he alone could erase this awful night for her. He also knew nothing ever would.

"Benson!" Olivia came at least three inches off the mattress at the sound of her name. Her heart thumped harshly against her chest as she forced herself to sit up. "Visitor."

Olivia had been around long enough to know that she was benefiting from special treatment. She stared at the uniform that was waiting for her to walk up to the gate. "Today, Benson."

Olivia felt the panic set in as it almost hurt too much to stand. She figured Alex had come to see her, knowing they would allow her in this soon. She held her breath as she slowly made her way across the small cell to where the officer was waiting. He motioned for her to turn around and place her hands behind her back and through the opening in the gate.

"No cuffs…please." Olivia almost didn't recognize her own voice.

"Then no visitor." It was obvious the officer didn't care either way. Olivia thought about refusing the visitor, the thought of being cuffed again causing her panic level to rise. She thought about the hospital, hoping her visitor was Alex.

Olivia turned and reluctantly placed her hands where she was instructed. She cringed as the metal pinched the skin on her wrists. The officer instructed her to step forward as she entered the cell with her. She hated that they felt the need to treat her like a violent monster, but she knew she had painted that scene back at her apartment.

Elliot wasn't sure if he was appreciative for the courtesy the team at the one-eight was showing them. Benson and Stabler were well known, and so was the tragedy that transpired back at the one-six. He did, however, appreciate Nick for leaving once they were shown into the small, dingy interrogation room. Elliot knew this would be the most difficult conversation he would ever have with his partner; former partner.

Elliot closed his eyes, resting his head in his hands. His mind showed him pictures of Olivia back in their squad room. Her smile when she greeted him in the morning, her laugh, usually at his expense. He always faked offense, but he was glad he could make her laugh.

He was pulled from his thoughts as the door was opened and Olivia was escorted in. Elliot stood, his eyes finding hers immediately. He bent forward slightly as he found it suddenly difficult to breathe. He turned his head away, not wanting to take in the damage on her body, the pain in her eyes and the defeat in her posture. He caught the movement of the officer out of the corner of his eye as he left them alone.

"You can't even look at me." Olivia's voice forced him to return his gaze to her face. He saw her lower her eyes to the floor, right before she turned away from him.

Elliot reached out touching her upper arm. She jumped at the slight touch moving from him. He took a step back wondering if she truly was afraid of him or if she was so traumatized that even he scared her.

"Liv…" Elliot couldn't find the words he needed. He tried to prepare himself for this but had to accept that he failed miserably.

"I can't stand these cuffs." Olivia's voice sounded like someone else's as she moved to the corner of the small room before turning to look at him. Elliot forced himself to keep his gaze on her eyes as he felt her searching for something in his.

"I'm sorry, Olivia." Elliot's voice cracked causing Olivia to turn from him again. He hated seeing her hands behind her back as if she were a criminal. He knew there were rules, but Olivia was the furthest thing from a criminal.

"Why are you here, Elliot?"

"Your partner said you asked for me…back at your apartment." Elliot watched as Olivia's shoulders dropped at his answer.

"Sorry he bothered you. I'm fine, El." Elliot reached out turning Olivia to face him. He forced himself past the fear in Olivia's eyes. "Don't, please."

Elliot's heart broke as he slowly let go of her arms. He took a small step closer when he realized she didn't pull back from him. She leaned forward and he knew that she needed him. Needed him to hold her, needed him to help her, needed him. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, almost totally swallowing her into him. She seemed so small and fragile, not at all what he remembered his partner to be. He could feel her sobs against his chest and feel her tears through his shirt. He so wished holding her would be enough, but he knew better. He had often dreamt of holding her in his arms, but never like this and never because she had been hurt more than either of them could know.

"Why didn't you go to the hospital?" Elliot didn't want to let go, but he knew they were only afforded a few minutes.

Olivia pulled from his embrace, refusing to look up at him.

"Liv, you know how important it is to get the rape kit done."

"It was only a matter of time, you know." Olivia's voice was full of sarcasm as she seemed to ignore Elliot's statement. "SVU detective raped. Kind of ironic, don't you think."

Elliot shook his head at her attempts to move him away from the topic at hand.

"My mother used to beg me to leave the unit. She would warn me that this would happen…that I was asking for it by staying in the SVU." Olivia bit her lower lip as she searched Elliot's eyes once again. "She often said that. That I was asking for it."

"You know how important this is, Liv." Elliot tried again. "You told so many woman the same thing and even helped them through it."

"I feel bad, for all of them. I talked them into reliving their worst nightmare…for what?" Olivia seemed a bit agitated as she tried to readjust her arms to relieve the cramping. "Our case. So we could capture the evidence that often closed our case. How could I be so insensitive, El?"

"How many of those woman have recovered and moved on knowing they did all they could to put their attacker away?" Elliot was sure she knew what he was saying.

"I put him away. We don't need the kit." Olivia watched as Elliot watched her. "I killed him, El. I'm going away for good, but he'll never do this to another woman. I made sure of that."

Elliot studied her face as she announced how she ended her horrible ordeal. "I don't think a jury will see it that way. Not with evidence of rape." Elliot could taste the bile creep up from his stomach as he watched his words attack his partner.

Olivia leaned up against the table, shifting her weight slowly from one foot to the other. It was obvious to him, that she was hurting, but he knew she would never admit it. "Liv, you were raped. Yes?"

It took a few seconds before the tears rolled down her face. He kept his eyes steady on hers as she stared onto him. She slowly shook her head. The movement was slight causing Elliot to really read her eyes.

"You shot him after?" Elliot didn't want her to feel like he was interrogating her. He knew she had that coming from the brass very soon.

Olivia didn't trust her voice, so she nodded once again.

"Okay, you were traumatized. I think a jury will see that." Elliot tried to reassure her, but couldn't help but feel lost.

"I could've cuffed him, but I chose to shoot him. I didn't have to, not to stop him anyway." Olivia hated what she was admitting to.

"Please, Liv. Do the exam. I'll be there with you. Whatever you need me to do." Elliot felt like he was begging, partly because he was.

He watched Olivia jump when the door opened without warning. The same officer entered and approached Olivia. "Time's up."

Olivia was led from her spot by the table, across the room and to the door. She looked back at Elliot who was hoping for an answer before she was taken from him. He collapsed in relief when she slightly shook her head agreeing to do the rape kit. He had never seen her so broken. How would she be strong enough to go through the exam? She needed him and he knew it. He felt it.

He left the room and met up with Nick. Nick didn't ask and Elliot didn't share. He quickly made his way out of the precinct with Nick on his heels. "I need to go to her place."

"Why? You don't want to see that." Nick knew they were close, but didn't understand why Elliot needed to go to the scene.

"I need to know what happened. She'll never tell me everything." Elliot climbed into the car and waited for Nick to join him.

"I assume you got her to get the exam done." Nick started the car and quickly pulled off.

"It's going to kill her, but it may be the one thing that saves her." Elliot buried his face in his hands not caring if Nick knew he was crying.


	6. Chapter 6

Fighting To Survive Chapter 6

I don't own SVU or it's characters.

Nick flashed his badge at the uniforms outside of Olivia's apartment. "Detective Stabler." Nick introduced Elliot gaining him access to the crime scene, his former partner's apartment. Elliot wondered how diligent the officers would be about checking his credentials at the door; he now knew, not so much.

There were only a few CSU techs still milling around the apartment, most only greeted Elliot with an apologetic look. He had worked with them on many crime scenes, he and Olivia together. Nick watched as Elliot made his way around the apartment slowly taking in every detail. It had been a while since he had been in her home, but he knew instantly what was out of place. He stuffed his hands in his front pockets when his eyes fell on the picture of the two of them together. It sat on a shelf above her t.v.; he knew she didn't usually watch much television. He made a mental note to make sure he took the picture when they were done with the investigation.

Elliot made his way through the living room and into the bedroom. He braced himself for what he already knew he's see. It was just different when it was somebody you cared so much about. He kept his eyes from her bed, instead focusing on the blood on the wall, shattered pictures and the outlines on the floor. His eyes picked up the torn shirt he recognized as one of her favorites. He saw the lamp on the floor without the shade and men's clothing on the floor at the foot of the bed.

He blew out a long breath as he leaned up against a clear wall for support. His eyes moved without his permission to the bed and it was every bit as disturbing as he braced for. There was so much blood and Elliot knew most of it was from Morris. He saw the blood toward the bottom of the bed knowing right away it had to be Olivia's. He grabbed a tech as she silently passed by in his line of view.

"You tested all the blood samples, correct?"

"Yes, sir." The tech recognized him as Detective Benson's partner, unaware of the changes in the past few months. "It's that of Richard Morris as well as Detective Benson."

Elliot nodded as the tech excused herself. His heart ached even more knowing for sure. His partner was brutally raped, had to be hurting bad given the amount of blood left on the bed. He was also glad to hear it confirmed it was hers, could only help in her defense.

"Elliot?" Alexandra Cabot's voice was so familiar to Elliot he didn't even bother to look up at her as she settled in next to him.

Elliot swallowed hard before attempting to speak. His voice was higher pitched than normal causing him to abandon his attempt. Alex recognized where he was and spoke for him.

"He was a boyfriend of hers. Last we talked, she was having some reservations about him. They hadn't been dating long." Alex paused to give Elliot a chance to say something; anything. When he just stared at the bed, she continued. "From what we've learned so far, there obviously was a struggle, she was able to knock him unconscious with the marble lamp. The evidence so far proves what she has admitted to; she shot him in the back of the head while he was unconscious.

Elliot looked up at Alex then, still not attempting to speak. "She called it in herself, uniforms had to forcefully removed her weapon from her when they arrived on scene. She refused to drop it when ordered. Lucky they didn't shoot her."

"Has anyone interviewed the first on scene?" Elliot mumbled his words when he finally spoke.

"The team at the one-eight are handling this, you know we can't." Alex answered swiftly hoping he would talk more. "She'll be interrogated there."

"Did she claim rape?" Elliot let his eyes roam her bedroom, taking in everything that wasn't part of the investigation.

"No, not officially. She did admit it to me when we talked." Alex waited to see where Elliot would take the conversation.

"Don't you think it's pretty obvious?" Elliot nodded toward the bed as his eyes pierced into Alex's.

"It's very obvious what happened here tonight, El. We need to make sure she gets the best defense lined up. She told me herself she killed him instead of cuffing him."

"Alex, she was traumatized. It's obvious why she did what she did. Look at the blood." Elliot pushed off the wall and took a few steps towards the bed. "Fuck!" he grabbed his head with both his hands.

Alex moved closer to Elliot taking his arms in her hands. "Have you seen her yet?"

"I did." Elliot wiped his eyes with the back of his hand angrily. "She's hurting, Alex. Son of a bitch did a number on her."

"I know. We need her to consent to the rape exam. We need the pictures, the evidence, all of it to prove her state of mind." Alex looked Elliot directly in the eyes as she spoke. "Otherwise the prosecution will paint it as love gone wrong ending with his execution at her hand."

"Why would they do that to her? She's a goddamned cop." Elliot walked around to the other side of the bed, barely glancing at the mattress, instead keeping his gaze on Alex.

"It's huge headlines and a likely promotion for whatever ambitious prosecutor gets this case." Alex knew how it was, she herself having been a prosecutor for so long.

"Too bad you couldn't take it." Elliot knew she couldn't and wouldn't. "What defense attorney gave you the biggest challenge. Who's the best available?"

"I'm way ahead of you. Elliot, we need the exam. I think you can get through to her."

Elliot made his way toward the door of Olivia's bedroom. "Come on, Counselor. She already told me she would."

Alex immediately pulled her phone from her briefcase and quickly caught up to Elliot.

Olivia lay on the thin mattress surprisingly fighting the sleep that threatened. She barely felt the sharp metal coils beneath her; she barely felt anything. If she was so inclined to change position, she then could feel the reality of what had transpired that night. To avoid any of it, she lie perfectly still letting her mind take her in several different directions at once.

She thought of Elliot and only then did she realize she wasn't shaking anymore. He always did have a calming effect on her, despite his sometimes volatile temperament. She couldn't help but wonder what would happen to her. She listened to her mind ask herself the question if she really cared at this point. No, not at his point. She knew it was a good possibility she'd be charged with murder, a slight possibility she'd even get the death penalty. Depended on what prosecutor got her case. Depended even more on what defense attorney took her case.

Olivia knew it was unlikely she'd get the death penalty, but she had seen many cases end up with a totally unexpected outcome in her years on the force. If that was the price she had to pay, then she would pay it. She only allowed herself to think about her mother briefly. She refused to live life as a victim. She refused to live her life like her mother did. She'd much rather the state kill her than the bottle. She could feel the exhaustion as she smiled slightly at her own thought. Life had truly come full circle for her. Born the product of a rape, than killed as a result of a rape. Fighting sex crimes her whole career in between. Life was never fair, but then she was never led to believe it ever would be.

"Benson." Olivia cursed herself for jumping each time she was summoned. "You know the drill by now." Olivia glanced at the slender officer as she waited. Olivia held her breath as the pain seemed to be getting worse throughout her entire body. She slowly made her way to the gate and turned tenderly placing her hands through the opening. She wondered if she'd ever get used to the feel of the cuffs on her wrists.

The officer then entered the cell turning Olivia by the arms to face her. Olivia had seen the officer in her travels through the years, but had no idea what her name was. She glanced quickly at the name badge on the officer's uniform, but it didn't help. Wouldn't have mattered if she did recognize the name.

"I'm sorry, Detective." Olivia felt the officer was genuine with her words. Olivia had no response for her and was grateful for the respect the officer was showing her. "I've been ordered to transport you to Mercy."

Olivia felt her stomach drop and her legs grow even weaker than they already were. She felt Officer Williams' strong hold on her arms as her legs began to give out. "Whoa, you okay?"

Olivia only nodded as she forced herself to recompose. Officer Williams moved her hand from her arm to her back, gently guiding Olivia from her cell and out of the precinct to the transport van. It was then that Olivia noticed it was still dark; still night, maybe early morning. She had no clue what time it was finding herself wondering when what time it was wouldn't matter anymore.

She wasn't surprised to see a second officer waiting for them in the van. Officer Williams gave Olivia an apologetic look as she help position her in the van to ride as safely as possible. Olivia barely noticed as her mind was on the exam that awaited her. She had been through many exams with different victims, each experience a bit different. The common factor was they were all scared to death and feared the exam would be like being raped again. It was so hard each time to be the supporter during these exams, she never expected to be in the place of the victim. She never even questioned herself as to how she would feel if she ever was.

She was led into a small examining room where William's gently removed the cuffs. "I'm supposed to make sure you're restrained the entire time, but this is hard enough."

"Thank you." Olivia's voice was no stronger than a small child's would be as she rubbed her wrists nervously.

"I'll be right outside the door. Don't get me fired please, Detective." Olivia could sense the trust the officer had in her. She nodded slightly, her mind preoccupied with what was to happen next. Olivia stood nervously scanning the small room. Her heart about pounded from her chest when the door quickly opened.

"Elliot!" Olivia choked out a sob as Elliot quickly closed the distance between them. Her arms were tight around his neck and he cautiously wrapped his around her back. He tried to slow her body from shaking, but feared hurting her if he squeezed any tighter than he was. He pulled her from him so he could see into her eyes. She was terrified and just how much was displayed on her face.

"Officer Williams said I only have a minute, then I have to get. Do you want anybody in here with you other than her?" Elliot's words were clipped as he hated the way she shook.

Olivia shook her head. "No, I…I know what they're going to do."

"Alex? She's here." Elliot hated that she would be willing to face this alone.

"No, Elliot. Nobody, it's humiliating enough. I'll be fine." Olivia walked from him, turning away as she went. "Go, before Williams gets a rip."

Elliot knew he was on borrowed time. "I'll stay with you, if you want me to." He watched as Olivia's caught her balance as her knees gave out on her again.

"Please go." Elliot cringed at the vulnerability in her usually strong voice. He waited a few more seconds before heading for the door. Olivia heard the door close only to open a few seconds later. She turned to see the head trauma nurse she had assisted so many times walk in followed by an assistant. Officer Williams followed them in and closed the door behind her. Her eyes followed Williams as she made her way to the far corner of the room. It was obvious she was only there for security purposes as she tried to blend in with the décor.

They started with a urine test and an extensive blood test. Olivia knew they would be checking for drugs and/or alcohol in her system. It was only then did she remember the drinks she had put away at the bar before returning home earlier that night. She was then asked to shed all her clothing as pictures were taken of her naked body. She knew how necessary this was as she watched the assistant record their findings. Her body felt as bad as she looked, only then seeing for herself the damage Richard had caused on the outside at least.

There were two huge bruises on her breasts, several more on both arms and a string of smaller ones that ran the length of her torso along her ribs. She closed her eyes as the assistant moved in closer to get a good picture of the angry purple bruise that covered most of her inner thigh on one leg. She was never more relieved when she was handed the thin paper cover, even though she knew what was next.

"Okay, Detective, we need to do a pelvic." Olivia wasn't sure if she felt more comfortable with the head nurse being somebody she knew or not. It wouldn't matter, there was nothing comfortable about any of this. She accepted the assistant's help as she carefully climbed onto the table. She could feel her breathing begin to race as her feet were positioned into the stir-ups.

Olivia knew not to hold her breath, but she couldn't help it as she felt the nurse's cold hands on her legs. She tried to force her mind to take her anywhere but where she was physically and mentally. She grew agitated when her defense tactic was failing her, allowing her to feel every movement, every touch.

"Wait! Please." Olivia felt the nurse back away and was thankful for the break, however short it would be. She struggled with her breathing and eventually felt her body calming enough to take deep breaths. She watched as the exam continued promising herself she'd get through it.

Olivia broke her own promise as she felt her legs being separated. Her mind only registered Richard as his breath was all over her face again as he forced his way into her. "NO! No! No!" Olivia screamed as she tried to sit up against the assistant. Officer Williams was quickly by her side helping to restrain the traumatized detective.

Elliot was immediately on his feet at the sound of his partner's screams. His panicked gaze fell on Alex as she was already making her way closer to the door. She jumped back when it suddenly opened revealing a nervous trauma nurse. "Miss Cabot, we need you."

Alex immediately made her way to Olivia, grabbing both her hands in hers. "Liv, Liv, honey, it's me. It's Alex, okay?" Olivia stopped fighting long enough to recognize her close friend.

"Alex, make them stop. I can't do this, I can't." The tears fell freely as Olivia begged her.

"Liv, listen to me." Alex's stern voice seem to help Olivia focus. She then lowered her voice so Olivia had to concentrate to hear what she was saying to her. "You can do this. You know why it's important."

Olivia shook her head in protest. "I can't Alex."

"You're the strongest woman I've ever known, Olivia. You can do this." Alex let Olivia grab her arms tightly. "I know it's hard, it's so hard, but you can get through it."

Olivia swallowed, tightening her grip on Alex. "Don't leave me, please, Alex."

"I won't. I'll stay until it's over. I promise." Alex glanced at the officer who quickly nodded.

Alex nodded toward the nurse as she felt Olivia's grip grow even tighter on her arms. Alex had never seen Olivia Benson so weak, vulnerable and scared to death. She was glad Olivia shot the fucker. She just hoped like hell her life wasn't over because of her decision.


	7. Chapter 7

Fighting to Survive chapter 7

I don't own SVU or it's characters.

Olivia glanced at Elliot as she was led from the examining room. Officer Williams was required to cuff her again as she prepared to transport Olivia back to the one-eight. Olivia knew Williams was giving her extra leniency, although she wasn't exactly sure why.

Elliot wanted to take her in his arms, but headed the warning look from the officer. "Liv, look at me."

Olivia craved the voice of her former partner. It was the only thing that stopped her shaking, allowing her to breathe in full breaths. Olivia looked into his eyes briefly before lowering her head. She could feel him move close to her. He ignored Williams warning and reached out to take her face in his hands. He looked past the dangerous purple bruising around her eyes as he waited until her eyes locked on his.

"Do not give up. Do you hear me? Do no give up, Olivia." Elliot watched as tears filled his partner's eyes. He turned to Williams who was turned the other way trying to give the detectives as much privacy as possible.

"Could you please…just for a minute." Elliot motioned to the cuffs that were obviously causing Olivia major discomfort.

Williams considered his request and finally gave in as she made her way behind Olivia. She removed the cuffs shooting Elliot another warning look. Elliot nodded, telling the officer he understood the risk she was taking. He then moved even closer to Olivia and waited for her to put her arms around his neck. Only then did he wrap his arms around her. He willed her to stop shaking by holding her close to his chest. He moved his lips to her ear and whispered as softly as possible.

"We will get you out of this. Okay, you're a cop. A damned good cop. That has to count for something." Elliot kept his lips close to her ear as he felt her begin to cry. "Please don't give up on me. I won't leave you, I promise you!"

Olivia pulled away from Elliot at Williams' direction. He watched her close her eyes tightly as the cuffs were placed back on her wrists. Elliot felt his stomach turn as he had never seen such a look on his partner's face. He wasn't sure if she had heard him or even comprehended what he had said to her. She was staring at him, but he could tell she wasn't seeing him. He watched as she was led away from him. He took in her weakened posture and noticed the slight limp she walked with. He watched until she was out of his sight, only then turning to see Alex behind him.

"There's no doubt at all she was raped, brutally." Alex's voice was wavering as she spoke.

"We know that. That was the whole point of pushing her to do the exam." Elliot felt the anger boiling within him as he tried to understand what Olivia could possibly be thinking at this point.

"She's going to be interrogated by the IAB, probably have a psych evaluation, then we find out if she'll be charged." Alex struggled to keep her professional wit about her despite being severely disturbed by Olivia's reaction to the rape exam.

"Alex, they all know I've left. You got to get in to see her before IAB. Remind her to ask for her union rep, she's not thinking straight." Elliot rubbed his head with his hands. "This son of a bitch broke her, I can see it in her eyes."

"I know." Alex wiped her eyes as she composed herself. "Where will you be?"

"I'll be at the one-eight until they throw me out." Elliot really didn't know where to go. He wanted to be as close to Olivia as he could. He hated the idea of her facing any of the this alone.

"And they will. Answer your phone this time." Alex was instantly sorry for the way her words slapped him. He knew he deserved their anger. He thought he was doing what he had to do by shutting them out. He couldn't believe he shut Olivia out the way he did. And now she needed him more than ever and he was worried she didn't trust him to be there for her. He knew how she thought. She always felt like she needed to handle things on her own, only this time she simply wasn't strong enough to handle anything on her own.

It wasn't until Olivia found herself sitting across from Lt. Tucker, the Chief of Detectives, and two other members of IAB, that her head stopped spinning. Cragen was allowed in to observe as her commanding officer, but found it nearly impossible to look at his lead detective knowing the hell she recently went through. Her union rep was seated next to her with her file in his hands awaiting for the interview to begin.

It was apparent Lt. Tucker would lead the investigation, which was enough for Olivia to give up right there and then. He was always trying to rip her and Elliot and it was Olivia's luck that he was involved now.

"Detective Benson, can you tell us what happened last night?" Olivia shuddered at the accusation in his voice. Her mind was stuck on the last night part of his question. Was it morning already? She struggled to remember the ride to and from the hospital. She wondered to herself is she even bothered to notice if it were night or day.

"Benson?" Olivia jumped when Tucker's voice snapped her back to reality.

"I…uh…I shot my boyfriend after a fight." Olivia's voice sounded foreign and she knew things were only going to get worse.

"Why? Surely there were other options available to you? Were you physically assaulted by this boyfriend?" Tucker glared at Olivia until she looked up to face him. She watched as Tucker took in her obvious injuries.

"Yes."

"Was your life it danger?" Tucker seemed to realize Olivia wasn't going to make this easy.

"Yes."

"Were you raped, Detective?" Olivia looked toward Cragen noticing the look on his face despite the fact he was turned away from her. She then looked toward her rep who nodded that it was okay to answer the question.

"Yes."

"Tell us exactly what happened." Tucker leaned back in his chair anxious to hear what Olivia had to say.

It took a long few minutes before she began to speak. Olivia could hear her own voice shaking as she spit out the facts. She didn't elaborate as she stated the events as she remembered them. The room was quiet except for Olivia's heavy breathing. She had told everybody in the room how she was hurt. She hated that Captain Cragen had to hear how she couldn't defend herself. How she took a beating and then how she was a victim of the very thing they fight against every day.

"Detective, I understand you were sent home for being overly aggressive with a suspect. Is this correct?" Tucker was relentless. Olivia glared at him wondering why it mattered. She had just told her superiors how she had been hurt and how she killed instead of cuffed her attacker. What did anything else matter.

"Actually she requested personal leave and I granted her request." Olivia shifted her gaze to her boss.

"Why?" Tucker asked Cragen, but stared at Olivia.

"Case was getting to her and she recognized she needed to pull back and requested the time on her own." Cragen looked Olivia directly in the eye.

Tucker flipped through the paper work from the hospital. He studied Olivia carefully before presenting his next question. "Says your blood alcohol level was close to the legal limit. Were you drunk, Detective?"

Finally Olivia's rep spoke up. "She wasn't over the legal limit and she was off duty. Detective Benson has a right to drink so long as she is responsible."

Tucker rephrased his question. "Do you believe your judgment was clouded due to the amount of alcohol you consumed prior to the attack?"

"No." Olivia felt her head begin to swim again. Tuckers words were fading in and out and she briefly feared she may pass out. "I shot him. I shot him after he raped me. He will never rape another woman, that is why I shot him."

She saw Cragen quickly get to his feet. She felt hands on her arms as she felt the cold floor under her body. She tried to keep her eyes open, but they were so heavy. "Olivia?" She barely heard Cragen calling her name.

Olivia slowly opened her eyes. It took a few minutes for her to realize she was lying in a hospital bed. She turned slightly when she heard Elliot's voice. "Concussion." He read her mind, he always could seem to get inside her head.

Olivia lifted her arm only to find it cuffed to the railing of the bed. She let out a frustrated angry sigh as she dropped it to the mattress. "I guess since I'm a murderer they have to be careful."

"How're you feeling?" Elliot moved his chair closer to the bed.

Olivia didn't answer, but instead ask a question of her own. "Why are you here?"

"I told you, I'm not leaving." Elliot braced for the anger that he could sense was fighting it's way out.

"Oh, so now you want to stick around. Go back to your family, El. I don't need you." Olivia saw the hurt in his eyes and for the first time was glad for it.

"I don't want to leave you, Liv. You've been through hell and I want to help you." Elliot was begging her to accept him.

"I'm a big girl, El. I got myself into this, I'll get myself out…somehow. I want you to go." Olivia closed her eyes as her own words cut into her heart.

"You don't mean that." Elliot was nothing if not persistent.

"How pathetic am I? I let my boyfriend kick my ass, then rape me. Then after realizing what he had done, I shot him because I knew I couldn't deal with it if he was alive. I'm done now and there's nothing you or I can do about it." Olivia turned her head away from the very man she had always wanted and needed.

"You didn't let him do anything. I understand why you shot him, and except for the punishment, I'm glad you did." Elliot stared into her eyes once she turned back to face him.

Tucker wants me gone, El, and I'm sure he'll get his wish with this case. I'm going to prison, we both know that."

"Maybe not. Given the trauma you endured, you will probably get a lesser charge. Maybe probation or something." Elliot worried she would get murder one, but couldn't dare let her think that.

Olivia was silent for a few minutes. "My mother never dealt with her rape. She drank until she died. I can't do that. I can't live that way."

"Olivia, you're the strongest woman I know. We'll get you the help you need. This was not your fault, none of it." Elliot knew he was losing his argument by the look on his partner's face.

"I'll be okay in jail until the trial, but once I go to prison…they'll kill me in there. You know they won't keep me separated. Woman's prisons are no different than men's prisons. They hate cops." Olivia watched as Elliot couldn't deny what she was saying. "I won't make it." Olivia's voice trailed off at the end of her sentence.

"You have to make it. I need you, Olivia."

"Elliot, you've proven you don't need or want me. I can't take anymore, okay?" Elliot's heart broke with Olivia's voice. "Please go. Please leave me alone." She was crying now and Elliot struggled to contain his own tears.

"I know what you're doing and I'm not going anywhere." Elliot stood and made his way to the door. "I don't want anybody else. I love you, Olivia. Someday you will remember me saying this to you."

"Go, Elliot, just go." Olivia could feel her whole body ache as she cried. She hated the last image she would have of Elliot Stabler was tears streaming down his face due to her actions. She sent him away despite the fact she needed him more than even she knew.

Olivia didn't want him to go through this with her. He was still struggling to cope with shooting that young girl and giving up his career. She didn't want him to lose his family as well. She couldn't handle hurting him. Nothing hurt her more than seeing him hurting and she knew she didn't stand a chance on the inside if she was worried about him.

She loved him too much. He would never be available to love her the way she loved him. It was safer to shut him out for good. Finally she understood why he had done the same just a few short months ago.


	8. Chapter 8

Fighting to Survive Chapter 8

I don't own SVU or it's characters.

Elliot needed to be as close to Olivia as possible, despite her orders for him to leave her alone. Never. Never again would he leave her, not if leaving her meant losing her. He sat in the hallway just outside her hospital room staring down the officer that was placed outside her door. He knew the routine, but she wasn't a routine suspect. Elliot realized he was finally able to admit the extent of his feelings for his partner, now that it was possibly too late. He felt the anger creep up from his toes as he continued to stare at the officer.

"You know who that is in there, don't ya?" Elliot felt like picking a fight. "She's a decorated detective, officer."

"Yes, sir." That's it? Yes sir?

"It's not like she's going to escape or something. You can relax. Stand down. Hell, sit down for a while." Elliot smirked at his own ridiculous play on words.

"I'm sorry, sir. Have my orders." Elliot watched as the young officer grew anxious.

"Yeah, orders." Elliot laughed lightly more to himself than to anybody else. It seemed like years ago and just yesterday that he himself wore the uniform and aimed to impress. Now, not so much. "Hey, kid? I mean officer, sorry."

"Sir?"

"Do you know who is in there? Have they told you anything about who you are supposed to be guarding?" Elliot almost felt bad for poking at the young cop, but he'd have to realize soon enough what the NYPD was all about.

Elliot watched as the officer fidgeted nervously. "It's Detective Benson, from the one-six."

"Do you know why you're here, guarding her?" Elliot was suddenly interested in how much this officer did actually know.

"She shot and killed her boyfriend, that's all I know, sir." The young officer chanced a glance at Elliot than returned his eyes forward.

Elliot wasn't convinced. "What about the informal. What's the word?"

Elliot glared at the officer until he broke. "She had been raped by her boyfriend, then shot him in retaliation."

Elliot quickly got to his feet and approached the officer. He was surprised the younger man didn't flinch or reach for his gun or radio. Elliot was definitely in the officer's personal space.

"Detective Stabler, there's no talk, not really. She's well known and respected. It's a tragedy." Elliot backed away at his words.

"Elliot, come with me." Cragen exited the elevator just time to see the exchange and knew Elliot was struggling with his emotions. Elliot followed his former C.O. as they made their way back onto the elevator.

Cragen led Elliot into the hospital cafeteria where he suggested he get something to eat. Elliot refused which prompted Cragen to buy him something anyway. He then led him to a table in the furthest corner of the busy cafeteria.

Elliot eyed his former boss carefully waiting for him to speak. "I'm glad you decided to come see her."

Elliot could hear the comments that weren't voiced in Cragen's statement. He only nodded slightly picking at the muffin Cragen offered him.

"Unless Olivia changes her statement, I doubt there'll be a trial. She'll be officially charged with the murder of Richard Morris." Cragen took a deep breath as he looked everywhere but at Elliot.

"Why are you telling me this?" Elliot knew there was more. "I can't get her to do anything more, I already talked her into the rape exam she didn't want to do."

"It was important to her case and you and her both know how important." Cragen now looked at Elliot directly in the eye.

"Yeah, I know, but you didn't hear her screams. You didn't see the look in her eyes after. All that for what? She's still going to prison." Elliot stood quickly knocking over his chair in the process.

Cragen stood as well which had a calming effect on Elliot instantly. He sat when Elliot did and waited for the younger man to make eye contact again. "They'll probably charge her with voluntary manslaughter, because of the rape evidence. We all knew it would be what saved her."

"Saved her! It nearly killed her." Elliot glared at Cragen, wanting to be pissed, but the man he needed to take out his anger on was already dead. "She's still going to prison, she already knows she won't survive that."

"It's early yet. She just has to stick with the story given. The idea now is to keep it from going to trial. She doesn't need an overzealous D.A. gunning for her." Cragen knew prison would be hell for her. Any cop behind bars lived on borrowed time. He hated that Olivia Benson was in such a position.

Elliot stared at his hands before looking up to meet his former captain's gaze. "Who was this guy? What happened? Olivia was always so careful about who she brought home."

"She didn't share her personal life, you know that. Her work performance had been substandard since…" Cragen refused to say what they both knew was the reason for Olivia's recent issues at work.

"I had to leave it behind, Cap. I couldn't deal with anything, anyone." Elliot knew that Olivia's performance depended on their partnership. He knew this because he was always the same way.

"You had to leave her? Elliot, you shut her out. You shut us all out, but your partner of twelve plus years?" Cragen realized his voice was increasing in volume as he spoke. "I'm not saying this rape has anything to do with you leaving. Olivia is a grown woman who makes her own choices when it comes to her personal life. I'm just saying that she felt abandoned, it was obvious to us all."

Elliot stared at Cragen as he flexed his jaw trying to contain himself. After several silent minutes had passed, Elliot slowly got to his feet. "I did abandon her. My guess is she knew something was not right with this guy, but ignored her instincts. She didn't stand a chance after that, cop or not."

"Langdon will represent her." Cragen's voice stopped Elliot from walking away. He quickly returned to face the older man.

"Why? I thought you said there wouldn't be a trial? Langdon won't give her the defense she deserves." Elliot hated Trevor Langdon as much as Olivia did. He was the defense attorney that worked to clear the perps he and Olivia worked so hard to stop.

"Alex had a lot to do with that. She may not need a trial, but either way Olivia still needs to be represented. He will most likely work the decorated detective angle using the trauma of the rape." Cragen knew how much the detectives disliked Langdon.

"Can he keep her out of prison? The way I see it, if he can't then she loses whether there's a trial or not." Elliot hated feeling so helpless.

"Elliot she shot the man when it she had other options. She has admitted that. Now it's up to Langdon to clean this up the best he can."

Elliot slowly turned in a full circle, raising his hand to his head. He blew out a long breath. "I'm not telling her that Langdon is her last hope. She barely cares about what happens to her now, if she hears that…"

"Like it or not, he's the best defense attorney in NY. She may hate him, but he is damn good and will do everything he can to help her. With that being said, she'll find out soon enough, I'm not telling her either."

"What happens now?" Elliot knew Cragen was on his side, on her side.

"Once she's discharged, she'll be officially charged and booked into the county jail until sentencing. The whole process will be quick to avoid the media attention that would undoubtedly give her unwanted celebrity in prison.

"I'm not leaving her until they make me." Elliot made his way to the entrance of the cafeteria.

"Elliot! Leave the guard alone, will you?"

Olivia held her breath as she slowly pulled herself to a standing position from the hospital bed she had spent the better part of the day and evening in. She was given five minutes to change into a pair of hospital scrubs that were provided due to her circumstances. Her body argued with her the whole time as she slipped the baggy clothing on as quickly as possible. Her head was throbbing, her ribs and chest sore and her legs weak from the bruising. She had to think real hard to remember ever feeling this sore where her entire body ached.

It couldn't have been five minutes when the door swung open. Olivia was disappointed when the officers assigned to transport didn't include Officer Williams. She turned slowly placing her arms behind her back. It was a routine she unfortunately was becoming accustomed to. She was led from the room where she saw Elliot standing by the elevator. She tried to avoid making direct eye contact with him knowing how they could read each other through their eyes.

She was having to concentrate on walking, as the pain radiated throughout her entire body. She could feel her body temperature rising and within a few seconds could feel the thin layer of sweat that began to form on her face. She moved to swipe it from under her eyes, only to realize she was unable to use her hands. The reality of what was happening was beginning to set in as she used her shoulder to wipe her face the best she could.

Elliot used his hand to stop the elevator door from closing. The action forced Olivia to look up and into Elliot's eyes. She could instantly see the helpless feeling he thought he could hide from her. It broke her heart to see the tears in his eyes as he refused to let her look away.

"Take the next elevator, Detective." Elliot slowly dropped his hand knowing he couldn't do anything to help her despite the pleading he saw in her eyes. She would no longer be treated as a cop, her title that she had worked so hard for irrelevant now.

The ride to central booking was a short one, given the late hour. Olivia was beginning to get a better sense of time partially due to being treated for the concussion she received at Richard's hands. She was sweating more now and she wondered if she would pass out as she was led from the van and into the jail.

The lights were fluorescent and bright and Olivia looked almost green as they placed her into a holding cell. She thought about sitting on the single wooden bench, but before she could make her way to it a rather large, male officer appeared. Olivia looked up at him unsure of what was next. It was different being on this side of the law and despite her experience she was at a loss as to the exact procedure.

"Benson, Olivia?"

"Yes." Olivia forced her answer out between nervous breaths.

"You have the right to remain silent…"

"I know my rights." Olivia tried not to sound aggravated, but could hear it in her own voice.

"Procedure." The officer continued until he was finished. Olivia tuned him out soon after he started, wishing she could lie down somewhere. Her attention was directed to the female officer who entered the cell, giving a stack of papers to her colleague. Olivia watched as the male officer left the room with a heavy clang of the metal door that locked the two women in the cell.

Olivia watched as the woman pulled the ugly orange jumpsuit from the bag she had brought in with her. "Remove your clothing, please."

Olivia closed her eyes before slowly beginning to remove the shirt she had been given at the hospital. "I'm sorry, Detective. Everything must be done as per procedure."

"I understand." Olivia held her breath as it hurt to bend to remove her pants. She noticed her body was once again shaking despite her attempts to prevent the movement. She survived the humiliating experience of the strip search and pulled on the jail attire as quickly as her body would allow her. She wondered why they would bother with fingerprints, hers were definitely on file. Procedure she reminded herself as she endured the photo shoot that followed. Her mug shot would forever be a part of her history now and her face was an ugly blue-purple combination.

Nothing seemed real to Olivia as her hands were cuffed behind her back and she was led from the room. It was only minutes later that she was directed into a cell with four other women, and an open toilet that reeked of urine. There was a noisy echo that immediately grated on Olivia's nerves as she looked around at the other women. They were all lying on bare mattresses, covered with blankets. Two were awake, but nobody was talking. Neither of the awake women said a word as they watched the cuffs being removed from their newest roommate. Olivia took the blanket that was handed to her and made her way to the only unoccupied bunk.

Olivia looked around in disbelief. She was wrong in her thinking that she would be segregated at least until prison. She thought she should be regretting her decision to shoot Richard, but strangely enough she wasn't sorry at all. Even so, she was overwhelmed that it had come to this. She hadn't planned on killing him, but him living would've eventually killed her. She would have just as soon died, but it hadn't worked out that way.

Olivia lied back slowly trying not to notice the foul odor coming from the mattress beneath her. She glanced at the other women briefly before letting her eyes slide closed. She was still sweating, still shaking. It wasn't but a few minutes before she felt her mattress dip by her feet. She immediately pulled herself up to a sitting position, praying she wouldn't have to fight so soon. Her pain was evident to the woman who invited herself into Olivia's space.

"Raped, huh?" Olivia eyed the woman, instantly sizing her up. She looked to outweigh Olivia by about thirty pounds, but otherwise didn't seem to be much bigger.

"You care, why?" Olivia forced herself to sound angry, hoping to make a stand without having to be physical so soon.

"It's obvious. Little advice? Don't admit it. Shows lack of control." Olivia watched carefully as the woman got to her feet. "Rape isn't about sex, you know. It's about control. You'll need all the control you can get where you're probably headed."

Olivia didn't answer, she also didn't lie back down. She slowly moved back to the edge of the bunk that was against the wall, using it as support. Her eyes stayed with the woman as she made her way back to her own bunk. She smiled at Olivia before lying down.

Olivia leaned her head against the wall. She was so tired, but scared to close her eyes. She wondered if she would ever be able to sleep soundly again.


	9. Chapter 9

Fighting to Survive Chapter 9

I don't own SVU or it's characters.

Olivia opened her eyes to the noise and commotion around her. She hadn't realized she had fallen asleep sitting up in her bunk until her heart began beating at a quickened pace. She watched the other women as they pulled themselves from their bunks and formed somewhat of a line at the gate. Chow time. The thought of eating literally nauseated Olivia as she reluctantly lied down flat on her back. The new position relieved at least some of the constant ache she continued to experience throughout her body.

"Gonna eat, Princess?" It was the woman from earlier, Olivia recognized her voice without opening her eyes. Olivia waved her off as she battled her nausea. She felt the bed move again as she realized the woman had once again joined her. Olivia opened her eyes, giving the larger woman a glare meant to warn.

"Come on, you need to eat something. This shit ain't that bad." Olivia pushed the tray away as the woman nearly forced it on her.

"Leave me alone." Olivia used her foot to lightly suggest the woman leave her bunk. She realized she had made a mistake when the woman quickly grabbed her by the front of her jumpsuit, pulling Olivia from the bunk. She slammed Olivia into the wall at the far end of the cell as the other women gathered around creating a barrier of sorts. The force momentarily knocked the wind out of Olivia as she braced for what she expected was next.

"You can call me Mel. You might want to learn real quick how things work around here." Mel had her strong hand around Olivia's throat as she held her against the wall. "What's your name?" Mel slowly raised her hand toward Olivia's face to push her hair back from her eyes.

Olivia immediately reacted, using her left arm to block Mel from touching her and her powerful right to land a direct punch that dropped Mel instantly. Olivia instantly jumped on the larger woman preparing to strike again when the blood from Mel's nose began pouring out onto the floor. Olivia noticed Mel wasn't fighting or resisting, rather bracing for Olivia's next shot.

"I know how things work around here. Do not touch me!" Olivia kept her fist cocked and ready as she waited for Mel to acknowledge her. Mel put her hands up in a defensive gesture signaling she had heard Olivia loud and clear. Olivia looked toward the other women who had all taken a few steps back.

"Benson! Let's go." Olivia looked at the guard who was motioning for her to follow. She then looked back towards Mel who was holding her nose, attempting to stop the bleeding. She slowly got to her feet not realizing all that her efforts had taken out of her until she started to walk. Her legs buckled and gave out on her causing her to fall a few inches from Mel who hadn't bothered to try and get up yet.

"Now, Benson!" The deep male voice caused Olivia to flinch as she forced herself to her feet. She turned to allow the cuffs to be placed on her before being led out. Olivia caught a glimpse of Mel as she had gotten to her feet by then. She wasn't sure what she saw in the woman's eyes. She wondered if she had made a statement or created more problems for herself. She would have to deal with that later, now she had to focus on what was next. The guard refused to answer her when she asked, leaving her to wonder as she was led to a small, dank room much like the interrogation rooms at the one-six. She was instructed to sit in one of the chairs provided, but ignored when she asked for the cuffs to be removed.

Olivia figured she was about to meet her defense attorney. She really was wanting to see Alex at this point. Her world had been nothing short of a free for all spin these last two days and she had no clue where she stood at this point. She knew Alex would help her in any way she could, but she needed to see her to know what to do next. She took a deep breath as she watched a tall, blond woman enter the room. She was disappointed it wasn't Alex but realized she had no reason to believe it would be. Her eyes looked past the woman to meet the gaze of Trevor Langdon. Olivia immediately dropped her head to the table, refusing to look at how the NYPD was laughing in her face. She briefly thought about smashing her forehead into the table in an attempt to make the world go away, but quickly dismissed the idea. Her body was filled with enough pain as it was.

"Good Morning, Detective." Trevor made his way to the table and took a seat at the other end furthest from Olivia.

"Save it, Langdon." Olivia slowly pulled her head up, noticing the blond woman had taken a seat directly to her right.

"Olivia, I have a job to do. The way I see it, you need me to do my job." Langdon didn't wait for a response before pulling out files from his briefcase.

"Out of all the defense lawyers in New York, they send me…"

"The best. Let's get started." Trevor fixed his stare on Olivia as she realized she was in, what seemed to her to be a lose-lose situation.

Olivia knew Trevor was very good at his job. She hated that she had to admit that to herself if she even wanted to survive this ordeal. She looked towards the quiet blond sitting next to her with a questioning look.

"I'm Grace Ann Mills, I'll be evaluating you for the defense." Olivia accepted the woman's hand as she offered it.

"A shrink. Nice. Let me save you some time, I'm not crazy." Olivia let her gaze drift back to Trevor who was carefully studying Olivia.

"Might be best for you if you were. We need to go over every detail of what happened. Everything you can remember. The goal is to beat the murder one rap they want pinned on you." Grace seemed nice enough. Olivia wondered why she had never crossed paths with her in the past.

"I can leave if you'd prefer to talk to Grace alone, she can then fill me in on what I'll need. Or I can stay, it is up to you." Trevor continued to study Olivia's face while she considered her options.

"Leave. Please." Olivia knew how important this conversation would be for her future, but was having severe reservations about revisiting her experience with Richard Morris.

"Take as long as you need." Trevor packed up his briefcase and slowly pushed his chair under the table. "Olivia, we work against each other professionally, but now we are on the same side. This is truly awful what happened to you and I want to help you."

Olivia dropped her eyes to the floor as she listened to him leave the room. She concentrated on her breathing as her nerves were all but shattered at this point. Grace watched Olivia carefully waiting for her to speak.

"What are the chances I can get these cuffs removed?" Olivia wasn't ready to make eye contact with the woman who would soon hear in detail what Richard Morris had done to her.

"I can ask. We'd have to have somebody else in the room though." Grace's tone was soft which Olivia found soothing in an odd way.

"Of course, I'm a murderer." Sarcasm was usually a defense tactic, but right now Olivia used it to blow off some frustrations. "I'm a fucking cop, doesn't that count for anything?"

"Actually, it's the reason for the extra caution." Grace didn't seem to react to Olivia's tone or her word choice.

Olivia stared at Grace for a long few seconds before trying again. "Please. I'm not violent. I just can't…I can't stand being restrained. Please?"

Grace pressed the lawyer button under the table summoning an officer to respond. "Please remove the handcuffs from my client."

The officer hesitated looking from Grace to Olivia and back to Grace. "I'll take full responsibility." Grace's eyes locked with Olivia's telling her she was sticking her neck out for her already.

Olivia immediately rubbed her wrists trying in vain to wipe away the feel of the metal. She then moved to massage her right knuckles, that were red and swollen. Grace waited until the guard had left them alone before addressing Olivia's actions.

"Rough night, already?"

"Morning, actually." Olivia let out a long sigh. "I guess I have a lot of that coming."

"Olivia, I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. I've read the reports, the statements of the responding officers, the hospital findings, everything I could get my hands on concerning this case." Grace paused, studying Olivia. Always studying, that was her job, Olivia knew this. This was how she would form opinions and come to conclusions if and when Olivia left things out.

"I need to hear from you. I need to hear what happened. Every detail. Are you willing to help in your own defense in that way?" Olivia could feel her heart rate slow just a bit with Grace's voice.

"Will there be a trial?" Olivia couldn't stand the thought of telling her side of what happened in front of her colleagues; Elliot.

"I'm hoping no. You're not denying shooting Richard Morris, are you?" Grace kept the tone of her voice as sympathetic as professionally possible.

"No." Olivia pulled her eyes from the very professional looking woman and dropped them to the hands that were resting in front of her on the table. "I shot him in the back of the head while he was unconscious."

"Okay. Olivia, we will try to accomplish two things here. One, keep this from going to trial. Two, get you the least amount of time possible. Your frame of mind at the time of the rape, and of course now will have a lot to do with what time you'll do; if any." Grace gently placed her hand on Olivia's, causing the defeated detective to look up again.

Olivia nodded to signify she at least heard what was being said to her.

"I know this is hard. The more I know the more I can help you. Understand?" Graced seemed satisfied seeing Olivia nod at her question.

Alex stood outside the small interrogation room as Trevor made his way out. "How'd she take it?"

"Well, she's not thrilled to see me, but I think she knows what she's up against." Trevor and Alex had a long history of working against each other, but she welcomed his ability now.

Alex moved just a bit to her left to catch a glimpse of her good friend. She slowly shook her head at Olivia's appearance. "She's been through hell, Trevor. Are you sure Grace will be able to get what she needs from her?"

"Grace is the best in her field, my opinion. If Olivia has any interest in helping herself, Grace will be able to help her. It just depends how much Olivia is willing to share." Trevor gently placed his hand on Alex's shoulder. "I don't hate Detective Benson, Alex. Never have."

"I know." Alex looked up at Trevor thanking him for assuring her he'd do all he could possibly to for her good friend.

"He, however, must go. The last thing Benson needs now is him hovering around." Trevor spotted Elliot milling around the squad room, mingling with the detectives. Trevor walked off leaving Alex to persuade Elliot to leave.

Alex disagreed with Trevor's assessment of Elliot. Olivia did need him hovering around. She believed Olivia's recovery depended on whether or not she believed Elliot would abandon her…again. She moved closer to the window, watching for a few minutes as Olivia held her head in her hands. Alex could feel the tears well up in her own eyes as she watched her friend suffering.

She pulled herself from the window and headed for the squad room. She would convince Elliot to leave the one-eight with her. Neither of them needed to be here right now. Alex had put her full trust in Trevor Langdon and Grace Mills. Elliot would have to as well.


	10. Chapter 10

Fighting to Survive Chapter 10

I don't own SVU or it's characters.

"Does she stand a chance?" Elliot finally spoke after riding silently most of the way back to the one-six with Alex.

"Trevor seems to think there's a chance she may not serve any time. It's a small chance, but he's confident nonetheless." Alex wasn't quite sure what to say to Elliot so she was thankful he finally chose to speak.

"More like cocky. Liv can't afford his ego right now." Stabler didn't even try to hide his dislike of the handsome defense attorney.

"She can't afford to not have him working her case. He'll do right by her." Alex took a few minutes to really look at Elliot while they waited out a light. "How have you been doing? Nobody's heard a thing from you in months."

Alex was grateful for the need to focus on the road when Elliot gave her that infamous Stabler glare. "My problems are small in comparison."

Elliot made his way into the squad room instantly spotting Nick sitting at his old desk. He slowed his pace not sure if he was too interested in having a conversation with the man; at least not right now. Elliot glanced at Olivia's desk immediately noticing the disorganized mess it was. He knew his partner and that was not how she worked. He let his feet move him until he stood next to her chair facing Nick who was now studying him.

"Why is her desk like this? She hates it when things are out of order." Elliot started straightening the paperwork and putting the pens in the coffee mug she used as a holder.

"What are you doing here, Stabler?" Nick had gotten to his feet and was considering approaching Elliot.

Elliot looked up seemingly surprised Nick would ask such a question. "I, uh, I know she hates it when she gets so busy, you know with a case or something, and her things are out of order." Elliot looked up at Nick quickly before turning his attention to her desk drawer after sliding it open. He let his eyes fall to the contents of the drawer which included a picture of the two of them. Elliot felt a little stab that she had removed the picture from her desk top.

Nick moved in closer to Elliot and slowly closed the desk drawer forcing Elliot to focus on the younger detective. "Richard Morris, age forty-five. Stood six foot four, weighed approximately two eighty. Dark brown hair, blue eyes. Native of New York; born in Brooklyn, lived and worked here in Manhattan. Was a car salesman. Specialty, foreign models, not your average used car salesman. Pulled in roughly sixty five K a year; what he reported anyway."

Elliot crossed his arms over his chest, leaning to sit on Olivia's desk. Nick paused for a few seconds before continuing on. "Morris' blood alcohol limit was well over legal limit and there was also a small amount of cocaine in his system." Nick paused again allowing Elliot to take in all the information he was handing him.

"Olivia didn't stand a chance against him once he became physical. Spoke with Charles Willis, bartender at the dive down the block from her apartment…" Nick stopped when Elliot held up his hand.

"Why? What took you there?" Elliot cursed himself for sounding angry with Nick. He knew he was trying to do right by him, despite the fact Elliot had no business even being in the precinct at this point.

Nick stared Elliot down contemplating how to answer. "I know you don't want to hear this, but Olivia's been drinking quite a bit. She was a regular there and I knew this because I often joined her after shift."

Elliot glared at Nick as if he had enabled Olivia's downward spiral somehow. His silence was the go-ahead for Nick to continue.

"Olivia's blood alcohol level was high, but within legal limits. According to Charles Willis she had drank quite a bit but was functioning better than most sober people when she left."

"If Olivia had become a regular, did she mention Morris to Willis or did he ever see Morris in there with her?" Elliot wondered if it even mattered, but needed to know how things got to this point. He knew how his partner was, but he didn't know how she had been. He didn't know because he refused to call her, refused to take her calls, failed to check on her.

"She was friendly it seems with Willis and yes she did mention having some problems with a current boyfriend." Nick wondered if he had satisfied whatever need Elliot had to be there at that moment. He knew Elliot really shouldn't know all the details, but he was Olivia's partner for over twelve years. Nick couldn't help but feel sorry for him.

"What else you got?" Elliot wanted to know the specifics but also knew that would paint the picture of his partner being brutally raped and he was already struggling with keeping that image out of his head.

Nick shook his head slowly from side to side. Elliot wasn't sure if that meant he didn't have anything more to share or he was refusing to continue. Either way, Elliot knew the conversation was over.

"Cragen thinks the DA's office will want to speed this up to avoid as much media as possible. She could be going away within a few days even." Elliot figured Cragen had told Nick as much as well.

"Or maybe not at all." Obviously Nick already knew of Langan's reputation.

Elliot simply nodded. "I'm going to crash in the crib. You never saw me, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." The two men stood without moving for a few moments longer. It was obvious they both cared a great deal about Olivia. Elliot made his way to the crib, realizing the extent of his exhaustion. He immediately took the bunk he knew she preferred when she would catch cat naps from time to time. He was searching for any way to be near her now after months of forcing himself to stay away from her.

Elliot let himself slowly drift off to the hum of the busy squad room beneath him. He wasn't sorry he left the SVU; he was just sorry he left her behind.

Grace adjusted her posture to a more relaxed position hoping it would help Olivia open up to her. She noticed there wasn't a thing relaxed about the weary detective. "Probably a stupid question, but how'd you sleep last night?"

Olivia's eyes rose slowly to meet Grace's. "Yeah, stupid question."

"Okay, Olivia, I know you don't want to do this, I can only imagine what you're going through right now." Grace sat up straight in her chair allowing her arms to fall onto the table.

"Okay, Grace." Olivia couldn't stand the sympathetic tone Grace was spewing out all over her. "What is it you want me to say?"

Grace decided to go with the route Olivia set. "I want you to tell me why you chose to shoot Mr. Morris instead of simply restraining him."

Olivia lowered her eyes back down to the table, once again fixing her stare on her own hands. "I should've cuffed him, but…" Olivia's voice trailed off.

"But what?"

"But I didn't." Olivia let her eyes leave her hands and search the room for nothing in particular.

Grace studied Olivia carefully before continuing. She was not surprised to see Olivia's moods and thoughts to be all over the place. "How long have you been with the Special Victim's Unit?"

"Over twelve years." Olivia was relieved for the easy questions.

"That's considerably longer than most." Grace paused waiting for a reaction that didn't come. "I know you've seen a lot in your long career, Olivia."

Olivia now focused on the soft spoken woman in front of her. She knew exactly what Grace was trying to do for her. She just didn't want to go there, didn't want to deal with the reality that was now her life. Olivia rubbed her temples with her fingers, only then remembering the bruising on her face. She flinched and dropped her hands when she felt the pain the simple gesture caused.

Olivia watched as Grace remained silent, but she could her the other woman thinking. "He hit me with a gun. My gun actually, I think." Olivia answered a question whether Grace asked it or not. She wished the shrink would stop analyzing her every move.

Grace nodded, encouraging Olivia to continue. "I'm sure you've read everything there is about me, so nothing I tell you will be a surprise."

"I've read everything there is about this case. The reports, statements and what not." Olivia wished Grace would just talk to her instead. There was something about the slightly younger woman's voice that was soothing.

The silence was almost deafening until Grace spoke again. "Olivia, you can trust me. I was brought in by Trevor Langan to help you and that is what I intend to do."

"Not sure if I can trust Langan." Olivia's words were mumbled.

"Alex Cabot does. She is the one who persuaded him to take the case." Olivia looked up at Grace at the mention of Alex's name.

"I understand you are very close with Ms. Cabot?" Thank God, easy questions again.

Olivia nodded. "We've worked together for a long time."

"Excellent prosecutor. Trevor is an excellent defense attorney, Alex made sure you got the best available." Grace knew she had to gain Olivia's trust before she would open up completely.

Olivia shifted in her chair, trying to hide the pain that surged through her body at the movement. No such luck, Grace was entirely too focused. Olivia could read the sympathy in her eyes and it comforted and enraged her at the same time. A neutralizing combination that left Olivia feeling defeated and lost.

"I couldn't stand the thought of living like my mother." The seemingly abstract comment got Grace's attention, although didn't surprise her in the least. Olivia watched Grace carefully to judge her reaction, and when there wasn't one she continued.

"That's why I shot him. He was unconscious when I shot him. I had the cuffs in my hand, I should've cuffed him, but I didn't. I didn't want him in my head, or in my world after this."

"Tell me about your mother, Olivia." Grace knew she could spend as much time as necessary with Olivia today, so nothing was rushed.

"Has nothing to do with this case. I shot an unconscious man in the head. I'm going to prison despite anything you or Trevor can do. I appreciate you trying, Ms. Mills, but I knew this would happen when I made my decision to shoot him." Olivia stood to signify she was done, only to quickly return to her chair due to her legs feeling too weak to hold her.

Grace hadn't moved or even changed her expression while Olivia spoke. "Your mother was raped?"

Olivia's eyes shot up to meet Grace's instantly at her words. Grace then did react, but only slightly seeing the alarm in the detective's features. Olivia was angry, but not at Grace and that was obvious to them both.

Olivia nodded. "That's why I chose this unit. To understand her, to try to help her and others like her, to try to find my father." Olivia watched Grace as she once again didn't react to Olivia's words.

Olivia continued feeling a sense of safety here in the small room with Grace. "My mother used to tell me I was asking for trouble being in the SVU unit. I would get raped or worse chasing down those monsters. She always stopped short of telling me I was part monster. She never failed to remind me though with her actions."

"You're a product of your mother's rape." It wasn't a question, Grace was too intuitive and attentive to ask simple questions. It was a statement to allow Olivia to know that she was with her as she began her journey down that road.

Olivia nodded. "I was a constant reminder to my mother of her worst nightmare. I think she loved me, but was never really sure." Olivia's voiced trailed off before she shifted gears and spoke strongly. "I refuse to live like she did, worrying, wondering, remembering."

Grace silently watched Olivia as she struggled to control her emotions. "My mother was right. It finally caught up to me. I never thought this would happen to me, so I never worried about how I would deal with it."

"Because you're a cop. You never thought you would fall victim because of your training and experience." Another statement meant to confirm Grace was on board with Olivia.

Grace saw the tears begin to form in Olivia's eyes and despite her own training and experience was moved by the detective's pain. She wanted to help Olivia in the worst way, but knew Olivia had to be the one to help herself. Grace took in a deep breath, moving a bit closer hoping Olivia would continue.

"I fought him the whole time, but…but no matter how hard I tried he was stronger, bigger…angry." Olivia looked down at her hands again as she forced herself to stay as level as possible. "I physically fought, but I wished he would've killed me."

Grace's could feel Olivia's words, but remained professional in her approach. "Olivia, tell me what happened from the beginning."

Olivia wiped the few tears that escaped before holding her head with her hands for a few seconds. Grace watched Olivia force herself to move from victim to detective mode within seconds. She knew the behavior well. Grace had dealt with many officers in the past that had fallen victim to the battle they fought.

"I let my guard down. I didn't expect Richard to be at my apartment, I didn't see him until he was on me. I let my guard down, he took my gun from me then." Olivia looked up at Grace expecting to see judging in her expression, but was comforted by the look of understanding.

"I let my guard down. Good cops don't do that." Olivia jammed her finger into the table in front of her as to make a point. Her voice then softened as she spoke the words that she had been thinking since the attack.

"I let my guard down allowing him to hurt and then rape me. I am a Special Victims Unit detective that was raped in my own home. Good cops don't allow that."

"Olivia, this has nothing to do with your abilities to be a good cop. It is never the victim's fault, you know that, better than anyone."

Olivia appreciated Grace and knew the words she spoke were true. Knowing it and believing it were two different things and Olivia never felt that to be more true than now. Olivia softened her position then and looked Grace in the eyes. She took a deep breath to steady her nerves before she lowered her eyes from Grace's, back down to her hands.

Grace knew she had gained Olivia's full trust as the wounded detective and broken woman began to speak.


	11. Chapter 11

Fighting to Survive Chapter 11

I don't own SVU or it's characters.

Olivia fought to keep her head off the table. She was beyond exhausted and her posture reflected just that. She had been talking to Grace for nearly four hours at this point, but had managed to avoided any tears as she delivered her statement. That's how she chose to report the occurrence to Grace. The play by play if you will of her vicious attack from Richard Morris. Olivia had fallen into a more comfortable, familiar persona; that of a detective giving a statement instead of a victim telling her story. Grace recognized Olivia's attempt to mask the pain, guilt, shame, and worry that she was consumed with as she spoke. Her words were automatic, void of any emotions. Her appearance was of a woman so close to breaking, so close to falling for good.

Grace was impressed by the control and discipline Olivia presented the facts with. Her voice only broke slightly when she explained how her gun was taken from her. Her voice stayed strong when she told how Richard immobilized her, assaulted her with his fists and forced himself onto and then into her. It was only when her abilities as a police officer were in question that she showed any emotion.

Grace stayed still and quiet allowing Olivia the time and space she needed to assist in her own defense. There were times when Olivia rushed and rambled and there were times when she wouldn't speak for long minutes at a time. She never once looked up at Grace as she gave the play by play of the scene in her bed. It wasn't until Grace softly said her name after nearly ten minutes of silence did she bother to glance her way.

"Olivia, tell me what happened with your partner a few months ago." Grace knew Olivia was exhausted and emotionally spent. She also could see the nervousness that escaped each time she asked when she would have to return back to the cell.

"Detective Nick Amarro is my partner now. He's a good man, a little green maybe in some areas." Olivia actually smiled just a little and the gesture made Grace's heart jump just a bit.

Grace was referring to Elliot and she was fairly certain Olivia knew that. "Okay, what about when he entered your apartment after the attack.?"

Olivia's slight smile instantly vanished as she worked to clear her emotions once again. "I'm not sure what you're asking."

"Not really asking anything. Just want you to talk to me about your partner." Grace would sit here all day with Olivia if that would give the severely wounded woman any relief from her thoughts.

"He's a good man. Good solid detective. He'll do well in this unit once he learns…he needs to have thicker skin sometimes. That'll come."

Grace studied Olivia's face as she spoke. "It's a tough unit for any detective. Yet you and your former partner managed to make it nearly thirteen years."

Olivia simply nodded, once again refusing to look Grace in the eyes.

"Tell me about Detective Stabler." Grace noticed the way Olivia's shoulders slumped even more when Elliot's name was mentioned. She also noticed how Olivia shifted slightly in her chair; almost if trying to avoid the subject all together.

"He's not my partner anymore." Olivia let her head fall into her hands. Grace was quiet and let Olivia rest.

Elliot lied flat on his back in the cribs. He only briefly thought about how uncomfortable the bunk really was. He wondered why he never really thought about that before. The cribs were usually used when they had to pull days straight on cases. When a short power nap was needed to calm tempers, clear heads, or rest aching muscles. He let his mind take him way back to early in his career here when his temper often was unleashed on his partner. It would only happen when they were both tired, irritable and frustrated. He would have to almost force her to lie down, to rest.

Elliot eyes stared at the ceiling as he listened to the hustle and bustle of the busy squad room below him. It was an almost soothing hum as he couldn't make out any voices or words. He didn't want to hear anything. He just wanted to be close to her and had it not been for her attack, she would probably be here working over, like usual. Of course, he wouldn't be here then. He was only here because of her attack. She had gotten hurt while he was away. While he was away ignoring her. Elliot didn't bother wiping the tear that rolled out of his eye and slid down the side of this face.

"Olivia? Tell me about Elliot." Grace wondered if Olivia hadn't dozed off as her body remained perfectly still.

"He left. He left the SVU and as far as I know the force as well." Olivia forced herself to sit up straighter in the chair. The small hint of anger in her voice surprised her as well as Grace.

"Must've been hard on you. Some say partners are actually closer than married couples in some ways." Grace's comment was intentionally provoking.

"Maybe." Olivia's voice was as soft as Grace had heard it yet. "He hasn't left his wife though, so maybe not."

"So, I'm guessing you feel abandoned by his leaving?" Grace knew she one again hit a nerve when Olivia's eyes darted up to meet hers.

"It's not that. It was terrible what happened. He couldn't deal with shooting that girl, I understand him wanting out after that." Olivia shifted her eyes away from Grace as she recalled the incident in the squad room. It would be the last time they would be in the squad room together. And the day before she would hear from him for the last time. Until now that is.

"So why are you angry at him?" Olivia wondered if she was so tired she couldn't defend against Grace's questions anymore or if she had had enough.

"I'm not angry." Olivia was careful to keep her voice steady. "It's…It's just complicated."

Grace let the silence between them sit as she watched Olivia close her eyes tight in a effort to prevent tears from falling. Grace was careful not to show any reaction to the fact that Olivia was failing miserably. Her tears confirmed that Olivia truly wasn't angry at Elliot for leaving. She was hurt by him leaving her and there was nothing complicated about that.

Elliot had closed his eyes hoping maybe to sleep a bit. He didn't want to go home. He certainly didn't want to return to his motel alone. He really didn't want to be here, not when she couldn't be here with him. He glanced at his watch realizing it was close to quitting time for most of the detectives downstairs. He immediately thought about Olivia and wondered how she was holding up in jail. He hoped she was being kept segregated from the other inmates. He knew how tough she was and he knew she could fight better than most, but none of that would help her right now. He saw how wounded and defeated she looked when she was taken from the hospital. Elliot had to wonder if she could or would even try to defend herself at this point.

It wasn't long before Elliot could feel his body relax enough to allow sleep. He was exhausted emotionally but felt guilty for wanting to sleep. He knew Olivia needed to sleep, but most likely couldn't. He hoped Alex was right by talking Langan into helping her. He figured Olivia knew by now that Langan would be representing her and he smiled at the comments he figured she fired at him. His smile quickly vanished as his second thoughts were she probably didn't care enough to be flip like she usually was with Langan. Elliot turned onto his side, wishing he could see her now. They had told him no when he insisted earlier.

Olivia looked up at Grace with a slight embarrassed expression. "I'm so tired, you know."

"I know." Grace tried a smile and was relieved that Olivia accepted her compassion.

"What's going to happen to me?" Grace was thrown by the question although she was careful not to react. Olivia hadn't mentioned anything about her future, immediate or otherwise.

"Not sure. I don't think we're done here though. There's a lot more to this, Olivia." Grace reached for Olivia's hands and held them with her own. "I will do the best I can for you, do you believe me?"

Olivia nodded refusing to pull her gaze away from Grace's eyes. The uncertainty was almost disabling to Olivia and she knew she needed something to help her hang on. She believed Grace and she surprisingly trusted her. Olivia let Grace's voice calm her throughout the long hours they spent in the small interrogation room together, but now panic was beginning to set in.

Grace pulled back from Olivia and began to put away her note pad and pen into her briefcase. Olivia noticed she hadn't written down a thing and was now worried that she shared with this woman for nothing.

"I've got everything I need in my head, the paper was for you." Olivia's eyes widened as it appeared Grace had just read her mind. Olivia started to ask why she would need paper, but decided against it. She didn't care anyway and Grace was leaving; and she would have to as well.

"I'm going to get a hold of your captain; see if he can pull some strings." Grace watched as Olivia's mind was already preparing her for her return to the cell where she had barely managed to escape earlier than day in one piece. "You really should be in a single cell. Inmates have a way of finding out quick when police officers are inmates."

The relief must've been evident on Olivia's face as Grace offered a small smile. "I'll make sure you get a shower and some food as well."

"No, I can't eat." Olivia really wanted a shower.

"Maybe once you're alone, you're nerves will settle enough and you'll be able to eat. You need to stay strong, Olivia." Grace pushed the button signaling for the guard. Olivia barely heard her voice anymore as the noise in her head crowded out Grace's attempt to encourage.

Olivia turned slightly placing her arms behind her back once the guard entered. She felt her heart begin to race as the cuffs felt even tighter than they had earlier. She closed her eyes trying to steady her nerves and get into a safe place in her head. It was proving impossible and her labored breathing worried Grace who was watching her carefully.

Olivia didn't notice when Grace leaned in to whisper something to the guard. Olivia barely registered Grace's hands on her upper arms as she talked directly to her. She wondered why she was so close. She wondered why she couldn't hear what Grace was saying to her. She wondered why she barely felt the rough hands of the guard replace Grace's hands on her arm. She wondered what would happen to her now. She wondered when she would see Elliot again.


	12. Chapter 12

Fighting to Survive Chapter 12

I don't own SVU or it's characters.

Elliot hadn't realized he had slept for as long as he did after checking his watch. He stood, instantly noticing the stabbing pain in his back caused by the less than comfortable thin mattress of the bunk. How did she ever sleep on this particular bunk? Elliot knew for a fact the one he usually choose had a thicker mattress.

Elliot made his way down to the nearly abandoned squad room. There were a few detectives milling around, none of whom seemed surprised to see him. A simple nod was all they offered him in the way of a greeting and that was more than enough. Cragen's light was on in his office and his door slightly open prompting Elliot to approach. Cragen motioned him in and Elliot couldn't help but long to be back under this man's supervision. He missed him, he missed his job, his calling. Hell, he missed her terribly.

"Amarro told me you were here. You doing okay?" Cragen set his cup down on his desk before leaning back in his chair. He kept his eyes on Elliot as he let his arms rest on the top of his head. Elliot took a few seconds to really look at his captain. Okay, his former captain. He had put up with a lot of shit from Olivia and himself alone, never mind all the other officers under his command over the years.

"I told him not to say I was here." Elliot should've known better.

"It's okay. Where've you been? Kathy told me last time I called that you hadn't been home much." Cragen grabbed for his cup and then resumed his position.

"How's this Amarro doing? He good for her?" Elliot's attempt to avoid the question was obvious.

"Does it matter?" Cragen's short answer spoke volumes and Elliot heard him clearly.

The silence was a comfortable silence, but even so Elliot needed to hear Cragen tell him something. Anything that would make the constant pressure he felt in his chest lessen. Cragen reached into his lower drawer, pulling out a bottle of vodka. Elliot shook his head, hating that his instincts were correct. He had suspected the older man had turned to his vice after so many years of sobriety.

"Sometimes, nothing else helps." Cragen offered Elliot the bottle. Elliot refused despite his many weeks in his own drunken stupor.

"I think we both know that doesn't help either." Elliot kept his eyes hard on his former boss.

Cragen smiled a painful smile that Elliot mirrored. "Olivia's already been in at least one fight that I know of."

Elliot felt his breath hitch. Olivia was so sore, he knew she wouldn't be able to withstand any more punishment to her body. "How bad?"

"Broken nose." Cragen laughed at Elliot's assumption. "Olivia probably has bruised knuckles."

Elliot soon found himself laughing as well. Neither man found the situation funny at all, but the nervous laughter was a way to try to relax. Elliot grew serious quickly causing Cragen to do the same. "I thought they would segregate her?"

"You have to label her police in order to segregate. Too easy for another inmate to find out. If it's known it will follow her should she be sentenced." Cragen took a long drink from his cup. "She'll never stand a chance then. At least now she has a chance at protecting herself."

Elliot knew Cragen was right. He just wished there was a way Olivia could recover before having to fight her way through. The woman had just been brutally raped and found herself having to fight so soon after. He wished he could get to her, see her, help her. Instead he sat in their boss' quiet office trying to resist the poison that would quite possibly take him away from all of this.

"Langan says it looks good as far as bypassing the trial." Cragen saw Elliot disappear inside his head.

"Maybe she should go through the trial. It was obvious she shot him due to the trauma of being raped." Elliot knew Olivia would do anything to avoid a trial. "Could keep her out of prison all together."

"Or she could go away for life." Cragen's captain voice was clear as it forced Elliot's attention.

"What kind of life is ahead of her now, Cap? Her mother was raped. She was the product of that rape. Now she wears the same scars." Elliot kicked his chair back as he found himself suddenly angry.

"There's hope for her, Elliot. With the proper help, there's hope. Although it doesn't sound like you have any hope for her." Cragen took another drink knowing his comments would set Elliot off even more.

Cragen watched as Elliot slowly returned his chair upright and took a seat. He was surprisingly calm as he spoke slowly. "I know Olivia can survive this. I know her better than anyone…at least I did."

Cragen came around to the front of his desk, sitting on it with his arms crossed in front of his chest. He stared at Elliot. "She was your partner for over twelve years, Elliot. She went through the shooting with you. She knew you better than anybody here, yet you shut her out."

Cragen paused, but continued quickly. "It was tough on all of us, but toughest on her. She's been upside down since you left. She needed you, she needed to be able to help you. She hasn't accepted Amarro as her partner, I doubt she ever would've."

Elliot looked up when Cragen finished speaking. "I couldn't talk to her, don't you understand? I just couldn't deal with any of it." Elliot was frustrated and Cragen encouraged him to continue anyway.

"Sister Peg was so close to her when she was shot. How easily could that have been Olivia? I shot that kid so she wouldn't keep shooting. I was worried…about Olivia?" Elliot's voiced trailed off.

"Elliot, anybody could've been shot beside the ones that were. Olivia knows the dangers of this job, she has since she's joined the force and since she's been here. It's never changed."

"Maybe I would've reacted differently. Maybe I wouldn't have shot that girl. Mabye…I know I reacted the way I did out of fear for Olivia. You were right all along, Cap. We were too close." Elliot had tears streaming down his face, but he didn't care.

"I never separated you two, you did." Cragen was in Elliot's face now. "If you needed to get out of the SVU then that would've been understood. Leaving your partner the way you did…inexcusable."

Elliot stared at his former boss as the silence felt like a heavy blanket that was making him too warm. Cragen back away a few feet before speaking again. "I'm not saying by any means this thing with Olivia was your fault. It wasn't hers either. I'm just saying she was 'off' in her game."

Elliot rubbed his head with his hands. "If there's no trial, how long before we'll know what they'll charge her with? How long before she's sentenced?

"Alex is already involved with D.A. on that. The quicker, the better; less media, less chance of it being known she's a cop." Cragen was seriously concerned about his detective.

Elliot blew out a long breath. "Cap, I really need to see her. Any chance somebody owes you a favor or something?"

Cragen laughed slightly. "I wish, but let me see what I can do. Otherwise, you'll be no different than any other visitor. Sign up, sign in, visit through the glass." Cragen held up his phone receiver.

Elliot knew the drill. He wanted to touch her, hold her. He doubted she would let him, but he wanted to be able to if she did. He finally accepted Cragen's vodka, taking a long pull on the bottle. "Hell of a reason to throw away your sobriety."

Cragen stared at Elliot as if he just landed a punch to his face. "Is there a better reason?"

Grace had come through for Olivia, at least partially. The water wasn't exactly hot, in fact it was barely warm but it was exactly what Olivia had so desperately needed. She stood under the spray wishing the water pouring over her body would be all she needed to wash away the ugly bruises and aching muscles that seemed to be getting worse as the day turned to night. She saw Richard's face only inches from hers when she would close her eyes. She tried to keep them open, but the water flowing over her head prevented it.

"Time!" Olivia startled at the guard's voice. It couldn't possibly have been five minutes already, but she was lucky to have been given the time she was. Olivia pulled on the orange jumpsuit back on over her bruised body. She pulled the comb she was assigned through her hair wondering when the last time she actually used a comb was. Olivia fought to keep her eyes open while she dressed. The room seemed to tilt when she closed them, but her fatigue was threatening to overpower her need to stay alert.

She was returned to her cell, glancing around at the other women. She noticed there was one less than what was there earlier that morning. The cuffs being removed didn't help at all in unnerving her as she made her way to her bunk. She slowly sat down, using her hands to brace herself against the weight of her own body. She let her eyes fall on each woman as they all watched her settle in. She was looking for one in particular, not knowing if she should feel relief or not that she wasn't present.

"Where's Mel?" Olivia asked anyone who would answer. When no one did, Olivia allowed herself to lie down feeling her body relax at least some.

"Nobody stays here too long." Olivia looked up at the woman closest to her own bunk. "She went to her new home. Probably do eight to ten years."

Olivia nodded. She watched the women who occasionally glanced her way. They were reading mostly although the one who spoke was sitting still on her bunk staring Olivia down. Olivia let her eyes lock with hers for a few seconds before speaking.

"Is there a problem?" Olivia knew she had to be tough, but she prayed she wouldn't have to fight again. Her body was so sore and her head had been throbbing all day.

"Not unless you have one." The woman lied down on her bed as well. It was timed perfectly as the lights shut down at the same time Olivia turned away from the others. There was plenty of light to see, but the darkened atmosphere helped Olivia's headache. Olivia didn't want to sleep, her nerves and senses told her not to. Her body wasn't having it. She felt her eyelids get heavier and heavier with each breath and finally knew it would be inevitable. She glanced at the other women before letting her eyes stay closed. Olivia doubted they were asleep that fast, but nobody was stirring.

Olivia felt weight against her throat and quickly forced her eyes open. It was the woman from earlier with her arm against her throat and her hand covering Olivia's mouth. Olivia immediately grabbed at the woman's arm, pulling it away slightly so she could breath. The woman allowed Olivia to pull her hand from her mouth accepting the painful maneuver Olivia used to disable whatever the woman was attempting to do. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You were hollering in your sleep."

Olivia hesitated before carefully releasing her hold on the slightly bigger woman. She worked to get her breathing on more of an even level. "What were you doing?" Olivia tried not to sound scared, glad her voice came off as angry instead.

"I couldn't just wake you, you would've killed me probably." The woman smiled as she rubbed her hand and wrist. Olivia wondered herself how she would've reacted to being shook awake at this point.

"You've got to be careful around here. People look forward to the night time. Most like to be able to escape, so to speak." Olivia nodded at the woman who seemed to be okay. "Must have been really bad…what landed you here."

"Yeah." Olivia lied back down signaling to the woman that they were done. When everything was still and quiet again, Olivia let her eyes close. This time it was to stop the tears from spilling out. It was useless. Olivia cried silently, letting her tears fall freely in the dark cell with three other women sleeping only feet from her.


	13. Chapter 13

Fighting to Survive Chapter 13

I don't own SVU or it's characters.

Elliot had done many jailhouse interviews, so the sights, sounds and smells shouldn't have been anything but familiar to him. And they were, familiar, which only caused his stomach to turn that much more. His partner didn't belong in here, she wasn't a criminal; she definitely wasn't a murderer.

He wasn't here in a police capacity, he was a here simply hoping his presence would be of some support to Olivia. It had been two days since he had seen her last. She told him to stay away, but he couldn't; not this time. Elliot followed the inspection direction of the guards, hearing only low mumbles as his thoughts were of Olivia and the hell she continued to experience.

Elliot was led into a rather large room where he instantly spotted the areas designated for visits. He shook his head when he saw the glass dividers and the phones off to the right of each separate visiting cubby. He had so hoped for more, for a chance to touch her, but he had no pull now. He couldn't use his status to be given any privacy. He was just an everyday visitor to them and she was just an everyday inmate.

Elliot was guided to one of the areas where he took a seat. He didn't have any idea as to how long they'd have, he hadn't bothered asking. He watched as other inmates were led in and escorted to their positions. He could hear the people on his end and catch pieces of their conversations. The chair in front of him remained empty.

Two more inmates were led in and assigned an area, but still he had yet to see Olivia. Elliot began to grow concerned. Was she refusing to see him, surely somebody would've said something to him by now. Maybe she was hurt and couldn't, or had gotten into a fight and lost the privilege. Elliot held his head in his hands as he waited, unsure of what to do next. Another inmate, this time it was her. Elliot watched carefully as Olivia was escorted to her area in the same way as the others had been before her. It seemed to take forever before she would look up at him and even through the glass he could feel all her pain through her eyes.

He kept his eyes locked with hers, sensing she needed just that. He couldn't tell if she was carrying new bruises on her face or if the original ones had began to worsen. He knew bruises had to get worse before they got better, much like her life now. Elliot slowly reached for the phone using it to lightly tap the window. She had yet to pull her eyes from his and didn't even seem to register his actions. Finally she picked up the phone on her end and he could see something shift in her glare as she heard his voice.

"Hi." Elliot hated the way his voice sounded. "I had to see you."

Olivia didn't respond or react to his confession; she just watched.

"Are you doing okay?" He felt like he knew her so well that if she would just speak to him, he would be able to access where her head was.

"Why are you here, Elliot?" Olivia's voice was laced with exhaustion and defeat, and that was enough to let him know where she was.

"I needed to see you, to let you know that nobody has given up. It's going to be okay." Elliot really didn't know what to say to her. He felt helpless and useless.

Olivia didn't respond at first, she just stared into Elliot's eyes. He could tell she was searching for the words she wanted, so he waited patiently. "It's never going to be okay. I shot him, El."

Elliot's heart broke as he heard her voice crack with the use of his nickname, her nickname for him.

"I had my cuffs, he was unconscious, I could've cuffed him. But I didn't. I shot him." Olivia's controlled voice scared him. She was disassociating herself and he knew it was a survival tactic.

Elliot wanted so bad to reach through the window and pull her to him. "Langan feels pretty optimistic about you avoiding a trial, maybe even escaping prison time. There are extenuating circumstances here, Liv."

Olivia broke the visual contact, letting her head fall into her hands. Emotion. Elliot was glad for it, in a way.

He watched as Olivia struggled to keep herself level. "I'm so tired, El. You know, like I could sleep for weeks."

Elliot nodded, praying she would continue. Then her words slapped him, although he was sure that wasn't her intention. "I've missed you."

It was all Elliot could do to keep his eyes on her. "I'm sorry, Liv. I'm more sorry than you will ever know."

"It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. You had to leave, I understand that." Olivia sounded almost like herself for a few brief seconds and Elliot found himself comforted by that. How was it that he was here to help support her and within a few minutes she was comforting him.

"And you had to shoot him. I understand that." Elliot's words seemed to cause Olivia pain at first, but he could see she needed someone to get that. To get her. Elliot always got her.

"They won't segregate me, but so far so good." Olivia wondered if they would ever be able to just talk like they used to.

"Cragen's worried if they do that here in jail, it'll follow you should you have to do prison time." Elliot could see the fear, yet slight determination in her expression.

"I'll be okay." Olivia tried to force a smile for her partner, but Elliot could see she was scared to death. The sound of the buzzer signifying their time was up caused Olivia to come up off the chair a few inches. She tried to play it off, but Elliot could tell she stayed in a state of nervous awareness. It was no wonder she was exhausted beyond belief.

He watched as she was escorted away from him. He waited to see if she would glance back at him. He needed to assure her he wouldn't give up; that he wouldn't leave her again. She never did and he finally put the phone back on the hook when the door slammed closed behind the guard who had taken Olivia away from him.

Elliot sat next to Alex, silently watching as Olivia entered the courtroom. She was in her jail attire as there was no need to dress formal; no jury to persuade or impress. Olivia avoided looking at anyone but Trevor and she only barely glanced at him when he would lean down to speak to her.

Elliot could tell Alex was uncomfortable as he could feel her constantly shifting her position next to him. She was usually involved in the proceedings in the courtroom, hardly ever a spectator. Trevor glanced back often at Alex as they waited for the judge to enter the courtroom. Elliot kept his eyes trained on Olivia. He noticed how her usually confident posture was anything but. She kept her head down and her body still, despite the activity around her.

Elliot watched closely as Trevor gently pulled on Olivia's elbow as the judge entered. He noticed her slowed movements as she unsuccessfully attempted to hide the pain she was in. Alex grabbed Elliot's arm realizing his desire to go to her. He dropped his head into his hands once he got a good look at her face when she turned toward Trevor. He could hear Alex react as well. The bruise under her eye was fresh and Elliot assumed so were the bruises they couldn't see.

He was angry and found it almost impossible to remain seated. Alex's grasp on his forearm reminded him that he had no choice but to calm down, unless he wanted to leave altogether. He couldn't do that, he couldn't leave her. She would know, even though she hadn't even looked his way, she would know if he wasn't there.

Trevor let Olivia use his arm for stability once she was directed to be seated. Trevor stayed standing as he began to speak to the judge. Elliot's eyes followed the tall, blond woman who made her way towards Olivia. She sat in the chair immediately to Olivia's left, placing her arm gently around her shoulders. Elliot's stomach turned as he noticed Olivia flinch ever so slightly at the contact. He knew the woman to be the psychiatrist Olivia had been working with and was thankful that she had somebody in her corner.

Elliot tried to listen to Langan, but found his attention stayed with his partner. She didn't seem to be listening, she barely seemed to be breathing. Olivia barely moved at all until Trevor announced Grace would provide a professional opinion as to Olivia's state of mind. Elliot wasn't sure what he saw in her expression as Grace briefly squeezed her hand before approaching the judge.

Once again, Elliot found it hard to stay focused on Grace when his partner was only a few yards from him. He wished she would look at him. He wished he could help her, somehow. He watched as Trevor would lean down to speak into her ear every couple of minutes. It bothered him that she showed no emotion, no reaction at all to whatever Trevor was saying to her.

Olivia looked up at Grace as she finished speaking and return to take a seat next to her. Elliot looked at his watch only to realize they had been in the courtroom for over an hour by this time. Trevor was putting away his files while they waited for the judge to return with his decision. Elliot really wondered if this was the best way to go. He still thought she should've taken her chances with a jury, but even Cragen agreed with Langan.

Elliot's heart began to pound in his chest as he watched the judge re-enter the courtroom. Olivia was required to stand again. This time Grace offered her a steadying arm, but Olivia refused and stood on her own to face her future.

"Olivia Benson you are being charged and found guilty of the voluntary manslaughter of Richard Morris. A maximum sentence of twenty years is usually applied to such a charge and conviction." Langan wrapped his arm around Olivia's shoulders as he reminded her to wait, the judge had discretion with this charge.

"After careful consideration of the extenuating circumstances, I chose to use my discretion with the sentencing. I have taken into consideration the trauma Ms. Benson endured at the hands of Richard Morris. I have also taken into consideration the almost eighteen years of service as a New York City police officer. The nearly thirteen years as a Special Victims Unit detective also factored into my decision."

Elliot could feel Alex's hand on his forearm again as she knew this was it. Elliot glanced toward Alex quickly before returning his attention to the judge. This man held Olivia's life in his hands; he already didn't like him.

"Olivia Benson you are being charged and convicted of the voluntary manslaughter of Richard Morris. You will serve the minimum sentence of two years at Taconic Correctional Facility. Eighty five percent of the two years is mandatory making you eligible for release in as many as twenty one months. Please take the defendant into custody."

Elliot watched as Trevor held Olivia upright. Her legs buckled at the decision, but she managed to stay stoic otherwise. Olivia turned to find Elliot and it was only when her eyes met his did she break. Elliot was quickly in front of her, reaching for her despite Langan's warning not to. Elliot shook his hand from his arm as he pushed through him to grab Olivia. He knew he would only have a few seconds, so he made the most of it.

"I'm not leaving you, do you hear me?" Elliot could feel Olivia's arms tighten around his neck as he spoke directly into her ear. "You have to hang on, please Liv. You can do this. Stay strong and I promise you I will be here for you. I'm not leaving you, ever."

Elliot hung on tight despite the fact he was probably hurting her bruised body as he felt the officers pulling her from his grasp.

"Elliot, come on." Alex's voice was barely heard.

"Stabler, you have to let her go." Langen had managed to pull Elliot from Olivia despite the empty threats Elliot hurled at him.

Olivia kept her eyes focused on Elliot's as her hands were secured behind her back once again. They were filled with tears, but not one would fall. "It's okay, El. I'll be okay."

Elliot heard her words, but her voice was not hers. She was scared, she was hurt, she was being sent to hell and there was nothing he could do about it. He was supposed to have her back. He was supposed to support her, to protect her. He failed her. He left her and now he failed her.

Elliot could feel Langan's hands on his arms, suggesting he not try to go to her again. He watched as Alex approached Olivia after asking the officers to wait. Alex wrapped her arms around her friend and spoke quietly to her. It was then that the tears fell freely. Alex wiped at her own tears and hurried out of the courtroom. Elliot turned back towards Olivia who was trying in vain to stop her tears.

Elliot knew she was mentally preparing herself for prison. She would have to become somebody else in order to survive. He also knew she wouldn't have a chance at surviving twenty months if it were made known she was a cop. He could only imagine what was going through her mind as she waited for the officers to lead her away.

This time Olivia did turn back to look at him just before she was led out the door of the courtroom. He could read the fear she felt through her eyes. He hoped she couldn't read the fear he felt for her through his. It was only when she was pulled from his sight that he let his tears fall. He heard Trevor speaking to him, but he only waved him off as he exited the courtroom himself.


	14. Chapter 14

Fighting to Survive Chapter 14

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Elliot made his way through the lobby of the courthouse until he came up on Alex. She was sitting, alone, on one of the benches staring at nothing. He waited until Alex looked up at him before speaking.

"What did you say to her?" Elliot's tone was angry, accusing when he had nothing at all to be angry with Alex about.

"Nothing really. Just tried to encourage her." Alex had been crying openly and didn't bother to hide it.

Elliot took a seat before he spoke again, trying desperately to control the anger and rage he was feeling. "Can't Langan appeal or something. How does she get prison time when she was raped? Alex, my partner was brutally raped and she gets no help. Son of a bitch!" He failed at controlling his emotions.

Alex countered his tone by keeping her voice low and even. "We can't appeal. By getting her out of the trial, we gave up that right.

"Why did we leave that up to Langan? The evidence tells the story. Langan has always hated us, this is no loss for him." Elliot pushed himself to his feet and walked a few feet from Alex before turning back at Alex's surprisingly strong voice.

"She could've gotten life, Elliot. If we chanced a trial, she could've gotten life or a lot more time than she did."

"Who's side are you on? Langan screwed her." Elliot was pissed and really wanted to confront the defense lawyer who he felt sold out his partner.

Alex grabbed Elliot's arm causing him to take a deep breath. "I have done and will continue to do everything I can to help Olivia. I agree with the decision to avoid a trial. It's twenty months at best; she can do this."

Elliot rubbed his forehead with his fingers in exasperation. "Alex, did you not see her? As tough as she is, she's losing bad in there. Her head…" Elliot paused to control his speech. "She's not thinking straight. She's a victim and she's being treated like a murderer."

"Elliot, go home to your family. Okay, there's nothing you can do for her now. She will be transported out in the morning and you'll be able to see her once she's settled in." Alex hated that there was nothing more they could do for Olivia.

Elliot stared at Alex. He knew how close she and Olivia had gotten over the years. He knew Alex was very involved in Langan's strategy. He gently touched Alex's arm before turning and walking away from her.

He walked the streets of the city for the better part of two hours. Elliot had no intentions on returning home; not yet anyway. He needed time to wrap his head around all that has happened. The noise of the city streets was surprisingly comforting as Elliot realized he wasn't but a few blocks from Olivia's apartment. He reached into his wallet pulling out the spare key she had given him early in their partnership.

Elliot let himself into the still, dark apartment. He realized it would most likely be him to pack up her place as she wouldn't be coming home for nearly two years. Elliot switched on the living room light, letting his eyes adjust to her home. He stood still, letting his eyes roam over her belongings as well as the existing signs of the struggle that had occurred.

He walked toward the television, reaching up above it for the picture that had caught his attention earlier. Elliot let his heart pound as he lightly ran his finger over her smiling face. The picture was of when they were only a few years into their partnership. She was so young, and beautiful. He always thought her to be beautiful, but he was more worried about her ability to survive in such a demanding position; such a demanding division. She survived it just fine.

Elliot put the picture down and studied the rest of the room. He knew nothing he found or saw would help her in any way. He just felt like if he understood what she had endured, it would in some way make her feel less alone with it all. It wasn't until he entered the bedroom that he broke. His eyes scanned the walls, and the floor. And the bed. He closed his eyes as he allowed his body to slide down the wall into a sitting position. The noise outside was merely a dull hum as he could almost hear how she must've screamed, maybe even begged.

He had been struggling with his feelings for his partner over the last few years. The shooting in the squad room, amongst other things, proved just how much he did care for her. Too much. How did this happen? How could she have gotten into a position like this? Blaming the victim? Olivia wasn't a victim. But she was and it wasn't her fault. It's never the victim's fault.

"Fuck!" Elliot slammed the back of his head against the wall. He jumped at the sound of her house phone ringing in the quiet apartment. It rang four times before switching to the machine. He smiled to himself realizing she still had an answering machine hooked up. She was hardly ever home, must've figured it worked for what she needed.

"This is Olivia, leave a message." Elliot closed his eyes at the sound of her voice in her home. How he wished he wouldn't have deserted her when he had to leave. She certainly didn't deserve to be abandoned.

It was early when she heard her name loud and strong. Olivia wasn't sure if the sound of the guard's voice awoke her or if she had even managed to sleep at all. She was led out into the early morning darkness and forced herself to take in a deep breath. The air was cool, but she didn't necessarily mind.

Olivia joined a few other women who were all led onto the bus wearing leg irons and chains and handcuffs. It was just routine to transfer prisoners that way and no particular reflection on her. She found once she was all trussed up in chains, the guards refused to talk to her. It was if she had ceased to be a person any longer, let alone a detective.

There wasn't but five women plus two guards and the driver on the bus; nobody spoke, everybody seemed lost in their own thoughts. Olivia wanted so badly to close her eyes, to just rest them for a bit. She scanned the bus which appeared to have a smoky haze to it, but she knew it was the fatigue of not sleeping settling in. She was afraid to sleep. Unpredictable cellmates and images of Richard Morris prevented her from relaxing enough to get any amount of proper rest. She worried she would eventually pass out from pure exhaustion; she couldn't afford that.

They pulled up outside another jail to pick up a few more inmates who were sentenced to Taconic as well. Olivia watched as the women boarded the bus with two more guards. She was careful not to make eye contact with any of them as she sized each one up, comparing them against her own size. There were enough seats where nobody had to sit too close, but that wasn't enough to keep Olivia from feeling a heated stare coming from an inmate a few seats behind her.

The ride was quiet despite the addition of four more inmates and two more guards. Olivia watched through the small opening in the window as the sun began to rise. She had caught many a morning sunrise in the city and wondered how long before she would truly appreciate the wonder of nature again.

"First time." It was a statement more so than a question coming from the woman with the heated glare behind her. Olivia turned slightly just to signify she knew she was being spoken to.

"Don't look too seasoned. Looks like you've gotten your ass kicked more than once." Olivia could feel the tension as she tried to make a decision whether or not to engage.

Olivia turned completely to face the woman. She knew she would be challenged regularly, she had just hoped she would at least have time on the bus to prepare somehow.

"This concerns you why?" It wasn't hard to make her voice sound heavy as the frustration of being bothered at all escaped as she spoke.

"Easy, momma. We're all in the same boat here." Olivia turned around, satisfied with her stand. She wasn't bothered the rest of the journey, allowed to dwell in what was to become her life. She felt tears well up as she recalled the look on Elliot's face as he forced his way to her after her sentence was announced. She hoped but doubted she would be able to erase that image from her mind. She took a deep breath, forcing herself to lose the tears, there would no place for weakness where she was going and she had doubts about how long she'd last.

Olivia could hardly walk as her legs were stiff from the long ride. She was shepherded from the bus with the other woman, forced to walk shackled and cuffed. She glanced up at the dismal looking building with the seemingly endless barbed-wire fence. Her attention was then drawn to the faceless sea of women behind the fence, all dressed in blue. She noticed immediately the loose fitting clothing they were assigned here. At least she would finally be able to lose the ugly orange jumpsuit. Olivia hated orange, never realizing just how much until now.

They were moved along quickly through a long maze of endless gates and heavy doors. They were herded through another gate where Olivia could see the next group of guards that were awaiting their arrival. Olivia noticed the new guards were all women and wondered if she would be able to relax at all. So far her experience at Taconic was very similar to her initial experience at Sealview years ago. The biggest difference being she had the ability to pull the plug and get the hell out at any time there; well, almost at any time.

The women guards were big in stature and made sure to shove and push each of the inmates as they directed them to where they wanted them to stand. Olivia braced for the contact, realizing how strong these women were. Either that, or she was so incredibly weak at the moment that everybody would seem stronger.

"They're always like this at first. Making sure we know who's boss is all. They leave you be after awhile." Olivia looked to the woman next to her in line. She obviously had been down this road a few times as the uncertainty Olivia was feeling didn't seem to affect her.

Sharp, shrieking whistles sounded causing Olivia's body to flinch. "There is no talking. Make friends on your own time." Olivia looked up at the huge blond woman as she pushed the butt of her baton into Olivia's chest. She eyed Olivia for a long few seconds before returning to her original position.

"See what I mean." Olivia wished her new 'friend' would shut up.

"Everything off and onto the floor in front of you." Olivia looked to the woman next to her who shrugged.

"Strip search, and then we get our new clothes." Olivia was growing increasing annoyed by the woman's nonchalant attitude.

Everybody kept their heads down as they began what was to be the first of many humiliating procedures. It hurt Olivia to undress, to physically perform any task was a challenge.

"Damn baby. Old man got your ass but good." Olivia's new 'friend' stood looking at Olivia's body. Her bruising from Richard an ugly healing color, but her fresher bruises from her stay at county gained looks from several of the other women as well.

Olivia watched as the woman next to her returned her attention to her own process of undressing as their big, blond friend made their way over again. She was relieved when the baton found it's way to the smaller, talkative inmate. Olivia wondered how she managed to undress with the guard's stick wedged under her chin, against her throat.

Olivia quickly faced forward as the not so friendly guard studied the deep bruises that lined Olivia's torso.

"Welcome to Taconic Correctional Facility, Ladies. Enjoy your stay." Olivia closed her eyes, as she listened to another guard speak in a loud voice. She tried to keep her mind from comparing the sights, sounds and smells to Sealview, but was failing miserably.

Olivia chanced a glance at the veteran next to her. She was greeted with a smile. "Enjoy our stay. Like this is some fucking hotel." Olivia felt a small smile appear, but was quickly erased as yet another big guard approached them.

"Good luck, princess." Olivia watched as the woman winked at her before she was led away. She wasn't sure what to think of her, but didn't know if it would matter anyway. Her thoughts were interrupted by a tight grasp on her arm as she was led in the opposite direction.

Olivia's initial instinct was to pull away, but stopped in mid motion. She made eye contact with the guard who immediately brought the baton up to Olivia's throat. "You don't look like you can afford to try me."

Olivia stared through the guard, wishing she would remove the baton. She could feel Richard's forearm as he had her pinned by her throat. Twenty one months the judge had said. Olivia swallowed against the force of the baton. She was sorry for the way things turned out. She was sorry Richard hadn't killed her first.


	15. Chapter 15

Fighting to Survive Chapter 15

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Elliot made his way from Olivia's apartment to the little dive bar a few blocks away. He was unsure as to how he was feeling, a strange mixture of frustration and anger causing him to question why. Why they had even tried to fight the war, why they tried so hard for so long. Why she didn't just cuff him. He knew better than to ask. He knew why and he didn't blame her. He had made a phone call to Taconic Correctional Facility to be sure of the process; how long before he would be able to see her. He about smashed his phone when he was told it would be a minimum of two weeks. She would have to be processed in and then her visitor list would need to be approved.

Charlie glanced up as Elliot helped himself to an empty stool at his bar. His acknowledging nod told Elliot he would be right with him. This gave Elliot time to glance around, letting his eyes show him where Olivia had spent a lot of her free time since he had left. Not at all unlike himself, but he just had a hell of a lot more free time these days.

"What can I get you?" Charlie had an easy smile and Elliot could see how Olivia felt comfortable here.

Elliot contemplated his answer carefully gaining an interested look from the patient bartender. "I'm not sure, exactly." Elliot watched the confusion cross Charlie's face. "I have a friend that spent quite a bit of time here as of late. What was her drink of choice?"

Charlie eyed Elliot, realizing almost instantly who he was referring to. "Whiskey, straight, usually doubles."

"Then that's what I want…and keep 'em coming." Elliot watched as Charlie set about filling his order without much of an expression at all.

"And you must be the partner." Charlie set the glass down in front of Elliot.

"I am. I was." Elliot felt a true sense of sorrow as he corrected himself.

"She okay?"

Elliot blew out a long breath before taking a full swig of his drink. "She'll probably never be okay, Chuck." Elliot immediately corrected his tone; it was in no way Charlie's fault. "She's been sent to prison…two years."

"Damn. I was hoping she'd somehow get off. That fucker deserved what he got." Charlie wiped the counter to the right of Elliot. Elliot noticed it wasn't even wet there, but didn't call him out on it.

Elliot's attention was directed at the movement to his left as Nick took a seat next to him. Charlie supplied Nick with his drink of choice before the younger detective could even order. This didn't go unnoticed by the former detective nor did the rise in his blood pressure.

"Not surprised to see you here." Nick's comment was almost provoking causing Elliot to glance up at Charlie before responding.

"I guess I could say the same about you." Elliot was angry with Nick. He wasn't sure why, he probably had no right to be. He was Olivia's partner, at least he was up until her attack. Charlie set a second drink down in front of both detectives and left the scene. The tension was obvious to the veteran bartender and he had no interest in being caught in the middle.

"No doubt you two came here often." Elliot was now provoking a response. The action was not lost on Nick as he chose not to answer.

"She got two years." Elliot mumbled into his drink.

"I know." Of course Nick would know that. He was the one to get to her first, besides the initial uniforms. Elliot was angry at him for that as well, again had no right to be. It wasn't Nick's fault.

"Why weren't you there, in the courtroom? You're her partner, aren't you? Way to support her." Elliot's tone was biting and Nick was careful not to play into the senior detective's anger and guilt.

"She didn't need me there and I'm sure she probably didn't want me there." Nick's voice was kept on a low even level as he wasted no time in putting away his first drink.

"You're probably right." Elliot matched his tone. The two men sat in silence for quite a while before Elliot turned in his seat to face Nick. "I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her."

Nick turned away at Elliot's confession, staring into his drink before offering up what little advice he had. "Just make sure she knows you're here. There's really nothing else we can do at this point."

"What the hell happened to her? She wasn't a drinker. She was always so careful about who she dated. Weren't you looking out for her at all, Amarro. Partners are supposed to have each other's back." Elliot's tirade did little to upset Nick.

"Did you always know about her personal life, Elliot? I haven't known her as long as you have. I couldn't read her like you could. And besides, she wasn't herself, even Captain Cragen knew that."

Elliot accepted Nick's retaliation as he then polished off his second drink. He motioned to Charlie, giving him shit for not keeping up.

Nick couldn't help but want to hurt Elliot for being so selfish, but on the other hand he could only imagine what the older man was dealing with. He had heard how close Benson and Stabler were. He had seen how much his departure had affected Olivia. Nick could only imagine what havoc her attack was playing on his mental and emotional well being right about now.

"I'll help you pack up her place, whenever you're ready." Nick assumed Elliot would want a part in that.

"No." Elliot quickly polished off his next drink. "I think I'll stay there. You know, until she's released. That way she won't have to start completely over."

Elliot's response surprised Nick. "Do you really think she will want to go back there?"

"It's her home." Elliot was angry that Nick seemed oblivious to what was important to Olivia.

Nick had finally lost his patience with Elliot. "It's where he raped her! She'll never want to go back there!"

Elliot stared Nick down, his jaw clenching as he forced himself to keep his temper in check. He then looked up into Charlie's saddened eyes, just before the bartender moved across the bar to tend to his other customers.

Olivia was led into a room where she was issued her basic necessities. She was also assigned her cell block number and her inmate number. "Memorize your number, you'll need it for everything." Olivia realized at the guard's monotone voice, that everybody was a number to them. It was probably the best way at this point. She was then led into a room where one by one each of the women that had arrived with her soon gathered awaiting the next step.

Olivia groaned inwardly as chatty Kathy made her way over and stood next to her. "Hey, Princess."

"What's with the name?" Olivia didn't care that she sounded irritated.

"Hey, babe, loosen up a bit. It's just a name." Olivia took in the woman carefully this time. She was a smaller black woman who didn't seem fazed at all by her surroundings. She smiled big, as if she were glad to be back in prison. "I'm Brie. Just a name."

Olivia let herself briefly wonder why Brie was here, but decided she really didn't want to know.

"You're pretty, kind of like a princess in a fairy tale or something." Brie let her smile fade as she eyed Olivia until she gained her full attention. "You don't belong here, do you?"

Olivia could feel her pulse pick up. "I'm sure nobody here does, just ask them."

"Nah, that's not true. I belong here." Brie's smile returned and Olivia wanted to smile, but found it nearly impossible. Brie was growing on her, but she knew better than to let her guard down. That would have to be her way for the next two years. Less, if she managed to stay out of trouble.

Olivia carefully scanned the group of women that were gathered with her in a room that looked much like a school cafeteria. Her attention forced toward the front of the room by the shrilling sound of a guard's whistle. She knew it wouldn't be long before her nerves would be completely severed due to that fucking whistle. She listened as the bigger blond guard that she had met earlier advised the new inmates as to the rules and the repercussions that would come if they weren't followed. Olivia was growing tired of standing at this point, her body still so very sore.

She found her attention wandering as another guard went on and on about what the consequences would be for attempting to escape. Any and everybody involved in a riot would be charged and punished accordingly. Olivia watched as Brie had found a new friend to bother by now and smirked at the woman's irritated expression.

The new inmates were then led from the stuffy room after being ordered to form a single file line. Olivia was nervous about the next step, but glad to be moving on. She feared she would pass out if forced to stand so close to so many other anxious women for much longer. They were led out into the main housing area where it felt as though they were being paraded for the locals. Olivia pushed aside the dejavu feeling from Sealview that enveloped her as she carefully looked around. She had detective's instincts and found herself noticing every possible place a person could hide in. She noticed each guard as they passed them. Half white, half black. She noticed that was fairly representative of the incoming group as well as the already existent population.

It wasn't long before she realized they were being taken to their cells, or homes as they were often referred to. One by one, each incoming inmate was left at their home. "See ya around, Princess." Brie was waiting to be let in to her new home. She flashed Olivia a wide smile when Olivia simply nodded at her. Olivia tried to stay focused, but found her attention wandering some more as each inmate was called by name, their number being read out loud and their home assigned to them.

"Benson. 200894. C-14." Olivia wondered if she would always jump at the sound of her name in her new hell. She presented herself in front of the door. Olivia glanced up at the blond guard that already didn't seem to like her much. "Fight nice."

Olivia felt the butt of the baton between her shoulder blades as the door was opened. She forced in a deep breath as she listened to the sound of the door latching behind her. Her eyes traveled the room, instantly stopping on the sight of her cellmate, relaxing comfortably on the bottom of the two bunks.

"Son of a bitch." Olivia's frustrated tone caused Mel to smile.

"Nice to see you again." Mel stood allowing Olivia a good look at her face. Olivia would now find out what her earlier fight with the larger woman had amounted to.

Olivia refused to show any fear or uncertainty. She walked around Mel and placed her sheets and blanket on the top bunk. "I'm guessing this one's mine?"

"You look to be pretty fucked up. You can have the bottom if you'd like. It's easier to get in and out of." Mel's easy accommodating tone unnerved Olivia. Olivia prayed she wouldn't have to fight so soon, but she wasn't naïve enough to think she would make it through the better part of two years without having to.

"I'll take top." Olivia turned to figure out how she would hoist herself up in the physical condition she was in. She whirled around quickly when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

Mel's hands were immediately up covering her face. "Whoa! Easy princess. I said you can have the bottom."

Olivia stared down the other inmate. She usually felt as if she were a pretty good judge of character, but was doubting all her abilities and instincts these days.

Olivia thought briefly about refusing her offer again, but doubted she was physically able to mange the top bunk at this point. "Could you quit with the princess. Name's Olivia."

"Sure." Mel reached in to strip her bed, allowing Olivia to put her own bedding on the lower bed. "Liv it is."

Mel had turned quickly to face Olivia when she sensed her crowding her space. Olivia stared directly into Mel's eyes, looking past the deep bruising that she herself had caused. "I said it's Olivia."

Mel nodded as she slowly stepped around Olivia and proceeded to make her bunk up. Olivia refused to allow anybody to call her by the nickname that Elliot had claimed for her. She let out a sigh as she bent slowly to make her own bunk up. She would give anything to sleep forever at this point. She still didn't know where she stood with Mel at his point. She figured she'd know soon enough.

Olivia let herself lie down flat on her back and instantly felt her body relax onto the hard bunk. She had no clue what time it was, and it was then that she realized she now knew. She now knew that she had reached the point where it didn't matter what time it was anymore.


	16. Chapter 16

Fighting to Survive Chapter 16

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Olivia kept her eyes closed tightly as she listened to Mel's movements above her. She didn't care if she never moved from this spot, her body for the first time in days felt numb. As much as she didn't trust Mel, she found herself surprisingly comforted by her presence. She dreaded headed out into the world that was Taconic, but knew eventually she would have to. For now, she was quite content lying perfectly still on a bed that wasn't much of one at all.

"They'll probably call for chow soon." Olivia opened her eyes briefly at the sound of Mel's voice above her. She closed them again wishing she could just sleep. It would be really great if she could just sleep for the next two years. She tried to roll over onto her side, but realized she was bruised too bad on that side. Her mind had been so consumed with breathing, surviving, that she hadn't realized how much force Richard had used to control her. She was realizing all that now as her head continued to pound even though she was somewhat relaxed.

"You heard me?" Mel jumped down so that she could face Olivia when she spoke. "Let me guess, you haven't eaten in days."

"I'm really not hungry, just so tired." Olivia wondered if she should try with Mel.

Mel stared at Olivia for a few moments before speaking again. Olivia really wished she would leave her alone. Although she dreaded what images would haunt her in her sleep, she just wanted to close her eyes for good. "You broke my nose, you know."

"I see that." Olivia began to sit up, but decided against it.

"Looks like you got tuned up pretty good there, princess." Mel shook her head at the way Olivia struggled just to change positions.

"I thought we already discussed that my name is Olivia."

"Yeah, we'll nobody goes by their real name around here. Nobody really cares what your real name is." Mel walked over to the mirror and began to wash up in the sink underneath it.

"So, your name is not Mel, I take it." Olivia was mostly annoyed but slightly intrigued as well.

"Yeah, it is…now. My real name is Christina, but Mel just sounds tough. Don't you think?"

"Sure." Olivia thought about her own name. Olivia was nowhere near tough sounding. Benson used to carry some weight, but she knew that no longer held true.

"Want some advice, Olivia?" Mel was preparing to head out.

"No." Olivia had closed her eyes again.

"Sleep with one eye open at all times. Don't trust anybody around here. You're new here, they'll want to try you." Mel made her way over to where she cast a shadow onto Olivia, causing her to open her eyes to look at her. "No offense, but you don't look like you pack the punch you do. You're probably going to have to show out a couple of times."

"I figured as much." Olivia stared at Mel now. "Sorry about your face."

Mel laughed softly. "Yeah well, that's what I get for trying you huh?"

Olivia smiled at that.

"Makes me look even tougher, you know like I can take it." Mel had a slight accent that Olivia couldn't quite place. "You, however probably couldn't take much more, at least not right now. Be careful, princess."

Olivia watched as Mel looked back at her as she prepared to leave the cell. "These doors aren't locked unless the place goes on lockdown. Well, every night they are, but not during open time."

Olivia nodded breathing a sigh of relief when she was left alone once again. She could hear the activity outside her room as it was approaching meal time. The thought of eating turned her stomach and Mel's warning bothered her slightly. She wouldn't be able to wait until tonight to sleep, her body threatening to give her up at any time. Her best guess was it was about five in the afternoon. She let her thoughts take her away from her new hell. She pictured Elliot as she was led away from him. The look on his face was enough to make her chest feel as if it would explode.

She felt the tears come from nowhere as she pleaded with her mind to erase those images of him. She hadn't seen him in months, yet when she did it was because of this. She wondered what he would do now. She hadn't even had a chance to ask him where he had been, why he hadn't called her, why he left her as well as the job. None of that really mattered anymore to her. He hadn't called her, but he did come to her when she needed him. She needed him in the worst way and he was there. She sighed to herself as she pushed away the tears. He hadn't been able to save her, he hadn't been able to have her back this time. She lost it and did something so terribly stupid. She should've cuffed Richard. She knew that, but she still wasn't sorry she killed him. She wondered if she would ever be sorry for that.

Elliot had taken a cab home to Kathy. He owed his wife, the mother of his children, at the very least an explanation. She opened the door to him when he knocked, stepping aside silently as he proceeded into his home, their home. He heard the door close behind him and turned to face the wife he had essentially abandoned.

"Is Olivia okay?" Elliot seemed surprised even though he shouldn't have been. "Her new partner had come by looking for you."

"She's in prison. Killed her rapist." Elliot answered without emotion, just stated the facts. Kathy took a step back at his words. She had always liked Olivia. She found herself jealous of her often, but she trusted her husband's partner.

"Why would she have to go to prison for defending herself?" Kathy was confused and Elliot really didn't feel like getting into it.

"There were other options." Elliot let his eyes scan his living room. Nothing was out of place, not much was in place. That how it is when there were kids living there. He missed his kids, missed seeing them everyday.

"Elliot, she's a police officer, didn't that mean anything?" Kathy was genuinely upset and that somehow made things worse for Elliot.

"Apparently not. Listen, Kathy, I won't be coming home." Elliot figured this wouldn't be easier however he decided to break it to her.

"I figured you wouldn't. Just wondered if and when you would tell me." Elliot was floored at her indifference to his statement. No doubt she was over the drama, the distance, the loneliness.

"I'm sorry, Kathy. I just need time to figure out who I am without the job." He wanted to say without her and without his partner, but things were stable right then and he really didn't want to disrupt that.

"Where will you go?" Kathy's voice was fragile and Elliot hated that he was the cause of that.

"Not sure yet. I would like to see the kids as often as possible. I miss them." Elliot's voice surprisingly matched his wife's.

"Of course." Kathy walked away from him then. He hated that he hurt her, but he felt she knew it had to be this way. They would only continue to hurt each other more if he stayed.

Elliot headed up the stairs to his kids' bedroom. It had been too long of living in an alcohol induced fog. He expected them to be angry with him. He actually hoped they were, he hoped they still cared enough about him to be angry with him.

Olivia forced her eyes open. She had fallen asleep despite her best attempts to stay alert. It was dark in her shared cell, minus a small overhead light. Olivia stared into the dull light and figured it must stay on all the time. She wondered what time it was, feeling so completely unattached to her reality. She lied still listening to the soft snoring of her roommate. Must be sometime in the middle of the night. She felt surprisingly drugged after having slept quite a few hours. Last thing she remembered was Mel leaving for dinner. Olivia groaned out loud as she attempted to sit up. Her body was completely destroyed and sleeping on the slab she was assigned only made her feel worse.

"You okay down there, princess?" It was obvious Mel wasn't going to call her by her name.

"Just fucking great." Olivia huffed out, forcing herself to sit up all the way. She jumped when Mel landed on the ground in front of her bed. "Why do you do that?"

"It's easier than climbing up and down." Mel sat down on Olivia's bed ignoring the death glare she received. "Relax."

"According to you, I can't afford to relax." Olivia watched Mel carefully, praying she wouldn't have to defend herself again.

"Well, yeah that's true. But we're good, right?" Mel held Olivia's gaze until she answered.

"I guess so." Olivia leaned against the wall letting her legs stretch out the width of the bed. Mel followed doing the same. "What do you want?" Olivia was finding it easier to harden her voice.

"Nothing. We're cellmates, that comes with a certain amount of responsibility." Mel smirked when Olivia rolled her eyes. "It's not like you're thinking, besides I have a wife."

Olivia rubbed her temples, wondering if and when her headache would go away. "So, tell me, what responsibilities?"

"You have to be able to sleep at night. The doors are locked so for the most part it's safe. I have to be able to trust you, and you me. Following princess?"

"You're just not going to call me by my name, are you?" Olivia turned to face Mel. "At least call me something tough."

Mel laughed. "Princess is tough. Kind of like an oxymoron."

Olivia let herself smile again. Maybe Mel would be okay.

"Besides, you look like a princess from a fairy tale or something. Too pretty to be bad, too pretty to be in here." Mel put her hands up as if preparing to defend herself. "Don't hit me, just calling them as I see them."

Olivia laughed at Mel's actions. She thought back to Brie and wondered about her a bit. She had said the same thing and it only caused her to worry that much more.

"So, if that's how you see it, then I'm pretty much screwed, huh? Olivia closed her eyes, letting out a long sigh.

"Yeah, pretty much. Unless you get a wife of your own. Safety in numbers. Shouldn't be too hard for you though." Mel slid off Olivia's bunk and hoisted herself up to her own bed. "I'll introduce you around in the morning."

Olivia slowly lowered herself back down. She pushed through the pain and turned onto her side. She needed to take advantage of the few hours she had left to sleep.

Elliot tore apart Olivia's bed, taking each piece downstairs to the dump by hand. Maybe Amarro was right and Olivia wouldn't want to return to her home, but for now it would be his home. He needed to be close to her and this would help for at least a while. He was drenched in sweat as he insisted on carrying each piece down by hand using the stairs. He tried to keep his mind from focusing on the events that took place in her bedroom as he washed down the walls and scrubbed at the carpet. The more he looked, the blood he found.

He didn't catch himself in time as he connected the spots, drawing out a possible sequence of events. He felt his heart harden as he pictured her forcing herself toward him with her gun drawn. He wondered what if anything was going through her mind before she pulled the trigger. He glanced into the closet where her gun case was on the floor. He slowly bent to pick it up and saw that her personal piece was still inside. He put it together quickly. She had tried to get to it, but he was faster, stronger, angrier.

He called her phone knowing it would go to voicemail. Eventually the phone would be cut off, but until it was he wanted to hear her voice as it was before…before when she was a detective. When she was his partner.

"This is Olivia Benson of the Manhattan SVU…" Elliot disconnected the call, her voice. He made his way out of the bedroom and threw himself onto her couch. He held his head in his hands and cried. Nobody would hear him, nobody would care. He cried for her, for Jenna, for Kathy…for Elliot.

Olivia forced herself to follow Mel out and down to breakfast. She turned away when Mel greeted whom she assumed was her wife. Sally was even bigger than Mel and Olivia began to wonder if she could even consider herself to be above average size for a woman anymore. At five foot eight inches, Olivia was tall, but didn't have the weight to back her size up. She had the strength, muscle and training to take care of herself, at least she once thought she did. Olivia kept her eyes moving, the constant activity definitely doing a number on her nerves.

"Come on, Princess. You need to eat." Mel guided her by her arm which Olivia allowed, realizing she wanted the company of Mel and her wife at this point. After a few minutes of making fun of the food, Mel had talked Olivia into eating it. She couldn't exactly identify it, although finally settled on some kind of oatmeal. Olivia could identify the coffee and that was about all she stomached.

"You'll find it ain't all that bad, eventually." Sally's voice was deep and her eyes hard. Olivia couldn't help but wonder what Mel's wife was in for, but knew better than to ask anybody anything. Olivia nodded as she took a sip of coffee, continuously scanning the busy room. She caught the eye of a pretty young woman who couldn't have been more than 22, if she had to guess. She initially looked away, only to look up and see the woman staring her down. Olivia felt a sense of panic threaten her and wondered if maybe this woman was recognizing her.

"We got to go for a bit. Mingle." Mel winked at Olivia causing Sally to shove her forward.

Olivia looked up seeing the woman make her way out of the cafeteria. Olivia took another sip of coffee when Brie slid into the seat across from her. "Hey ya there, Princess! How're ya liking it so far?"

"Oh, it's just great." Olivia found Brie to be annoying, but was glad for a familiar face at least.

Brie laughed as she dug into Olivia's oatmeal. "You're not going to eat it, are you?"

Olivia shook her head as Brie ate all of Olivia's breakfast. Olivia caught the movement in Brie's eyes as she looked over Olivia's shoulder. "Take the tallest one out first."

Olivia was confused for a moment until she heard the threatening voice behind her. Brie was up and gone by the time Olivia got to her feet. She turned around to face three woman, the tallest in the middle.

Olivia kept eye contact with the one she thought to have spoken to her. She had nothing to say until the woman on the left reached in to touch her hair. Olivia moved away from her advance, bumping into the woman on the right. She realized they were crowding in on her and there was no way this would go anywhere but down from here. Olivia delivered the right she so trusted, connecting soundly with the tall one in the middle. She was immediately grabbed by the other two and slammed onto her back on the table she was just sitting at. She glanced up seeing Mel and Sally walk up to investigate the commotion just before she felt the sting to her face. She shook loose from the hold she was struggling against only to fall to the ground when she was kicked in the stomach.

Olivia could barely breathe but she reached out grabbing the leg of the woman who had kicked her. She managed to pull her down to the ground with her and then used the adrenaline to launch an assault of her own. She could feel her knuckles spit as she connected with the tall woman's face repeatedly. She was jerked back with tremendous force and struggled to breathe as the guard's baton was shoved against her throat.


	17. Chapter 17

Fighting to Survive Chapter 17

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Alex made her way down into the SVU squad room. She had been avoiding making an appearance, choosing to handle any necessary correspondence by phone, email, or fax instead. She hated that she wouldn't see Olivia working this particular case, or any others for that matter. It wasn't right, this world that they fought in and against. She tried to brush past the other detectives, ignoring the fact that Nick was clearing off Olivia's desk, but her heart made her stop to watch.

"Anything you think Stabler would want?" Nick had opened the drawers on Olivia's desk, but had yet to pack anything up.

"I'd put everything in a box and let him decide." Alex wanted to yell at Nick for being so insensitive, but he was doing as he was told she assumed. It had been long enough, crime wasn't going to stop because Benson and Stabler were gone from the unit.

Alex knocked on Cragen's door and was motioned in. She immediately dove into the case they were ready to close up, trying in vain to stay focused on the reason they were all still there. It was very obvious that neither of them, nor the rest of the unit were focused at all.

"Alex, is there any way…do you think that Langan could…I'm worried she's not going to survive this." Cragen had been though so much with his people. He missed Elliot and he missed Olivia.

"No, Don. We forfeited the right to appeal by skipping the trial. I thought we figured she'd stand a better chance going in as a civilian with less time." Alex had her best business voice on in an attempt to hide the sorrow of what her friend had to and still had to endure.

Cragen handed her Olivia's badge. He was supposed to turn it in, retire it, but he wasn't about policy and rules right now. He was struggling to give a damn at this point. "Could you give this to Amarro. Tell him to put it in the box with her things."

Olivia struggled to catch her breath as the heavy door was slammed behind her. She was immediately taken to lock up, or the hole as she heard it referred to. She crouched down against the wall with her head in her hands. Her face was throbbing, her body trembling and her head spinning. She couldn't catch her breath and briefly wondered if she would die right there.

After a few minutes, Olivia allowed herself to lie flat on the floor, it helped with the spinning, the breathing. She concentrated on slowing her breathing which in turn helped the violent shaking she was experiencing. She rubbed her hand where the blood was beginning to dry. There was no way she would survive two years of this. She hadn't even made one full day and she was in the hole. Her body hurt so bad, her spirit was destroyed and she was struggling to give a damn as well as she listened to the noise that seemed to be everywhere.

The tears began to fall without her permission and she could feel them soaking her neck. Her life was over, if only it would end. She closed her eyes, hoping for complete blackness, but only saw images of Elliot, Richard, Nick, Mel, the tall one in the middle. She quickly snapped her eyes open, allowing herself to take in the walls that surrounded her. She could feel her right eye as it continued to swell, she could feel her ribs as they threatened to snap and she could feel her heart as it defied her wishes and continued to beat, continued to break.

Olivia pulled herself to her feet and made her way the few short steps to the slab of a bed that looked slightly inviting. She slowly lowered herself down, hoping she would soon pass out. She lied flat on her back, crossing her arms over her chest. She wanted to die and she prayed that maybe that would happen if she let herself sleep. She lied still with her eyes open, staring at nothing, pissed that she was still breathing.

Elliot jumped when the doorbell rang. He had replaced her bed with a new one, but still couldn't bring himself to sleep in her room. The apartment was still, quiet except for the persistent knocking that followed the bell.

Elliot swung the door open, wondering who would show up at her door at this hour. It didn't surprise him see Detective Amarro standing in front of him holding a box that seemed too heavy for him. Elliot didn't move to take the box or invite him in. "What?"

"What? I go through the trouble to clear out Benson's desk and bring you her things and you say 'what'?" Nick pushed past Elliot, setting the box down onto the coffee table. "It's everything that was in her desk, I figured you would want to sort through it first."

Elliot stared at the box before looking Nick in the eyes. "Cragen tell you to do that?"

Nick looked around the apartment, avoiding Elliot's question. "You planning on going up to see her, I assume?"

"As soon as I'm approved. You?" Elliot moved to open the box.

"Not sure. I represent what the job was to her…after you. Doubt she would want to see me." Nick fought the image of her when he first arrived on scene. He wasn't sure if he wanted to see her. He watched Elliot as he carefully picked through the box. He removed the badge that was lying on top and held it in his hands.

"She was so good, Amarro." Elliot spoke without looking up. "So green years ago, but she toughened up, smartened up. Never lost the compassion for the victims. Never."

Nick made his way towards the door. "You talk about her as if she died, Stabler. Is that how you deal with things that hurt? As if they're dead to you? Was she dead to you months ago too?"

Nick found his face pressed against Olivia's front door. He felt Elliot's shoulder forced between his own shoulder blades as he worked to keep his breathing even. "You can hurt me if you want, Stabler, but you fucked up. You left her because you were hurting. You hurt her and now she's done."

Elliot was pissed, that was Nick's intention he assumed. "Don't you think I know all that. I'm sinking in it." Elliot shoved Nick hard before releasing his hold and backing away slowly.

Nick turned to face Elliot and the two men stared each other down. "She's not dead, Elliot. She needs you."

Elliot resumed his task of going through the box of her things. "No, she's not dead, but a piece of her is gone. She'll never be the same…never."

Nick opened his mouth to respond but thought better of it. He turned slowly and headed out the door. Elliot waited until the door was closed before picking up her badge. She always wore it on her belt, hardly ever was it in the wallet case. He looked at the picture to the left. She hadn't updated it in quite a while, but it was her. It was when she was strong, solid and here. He ran his fingers over the numbers on her actual gold shield. He knew Cragen would catch hell for not surrendering the badge. Their captain knew it would end up right where it was, in her partner's hands.

"Chow!" Olivia jumped as a tray was slid in through the slot in the door and resting on the shelf just under the opening. Her heart was pounding at an alarming rate causing her to roll slightly in hopes of settling herself down. She had no idea what time it was, no window to even hope to guess. It didn't matter anyway. Nothing much mattered anymore. She tried to focus on the tray that seemed so far away in the little space that was all hers now. She couldn't see too far past where she was due to yet another shiner. Mel would approve, she thought to herself wondering how bad it was this time. It didn't matter, nothing much mattered.

Olivia knew she should eat, her strength depended on it, but the thought turned her stomach in a way that actually scared her. Her head hurt, her body throbbed and her eyes were so heavy. She was tired, so very tired. The noise of the other inmates was a dull roar. She wondered how far away they really were; it didn't matter.

Olivia looked into Jenna's eyes just as she began to pull the trigger. She didn't stop after that, she probably couldn't. Then she heard it, his voice. Elliot wasn't very far from her, but sounded so far away. He had managed to get Jenna's attention, the gunfire stopped, the world was quiet. And then it wasn't. Olivia prayed she wouldn't raised the gun again, but she did. Elliot fired, she knew he would. She knew he would have to. She had never seen that look on her partner's face. In all the years they were a team, all the cases that rocked them to the core, all the grief they had shared; never had she looked into eyes and saw nothing.

Olivia forced her body to move toward him. He needed her, but she couldn't get to him. She would just have to push herself, just a little harder, just a little further. It was for him; she'd do anything for him. No, Richard, not now. My partner needs me, not now. Why wouldn't Richard hear her? Why couldn't Elliot see her? Please, Richard. Why wouldn't he stop? Her mother had told her this would happen if she didn't leave the unit.

New York's finest. New York's finest. Charlie had such a calming smile, such an inviting charm to him. He took the drink from her, Richard took the gun from her. She tried to reach for it, but he was quicker and she felt it rip from her side. Where was Elliot? Why wouldn't he call her? Her voice was silent as she screamed. Elliot couldn't hear her and Richard ignored her. She fought him but her arms were too heavy, too tired. She was always tired.

She could feel the handle of her service revolver in her hand. It was a comfortable fit, not too heavy, but solid enough to handle the job. It was her piece that he had taken from her. It was her way of taking it back from him. Her body trembled but her hand remained steady as she calmly squeezed. His body jumped, just once. Just once was enough to know he would never touch her again. He would never touch anybody again.

The darkness was too light as she could see his face. Hear his voice, feel his breath. He would always be in her head even though she put a bullet in his. New York's finest, he was so close that she could read his lips as he taunted her. She saw his fist come down on her and her body shot straight up.

Olivia quickly got to her feet. She grabbed onto the wall in an effort to steady herself from the instant motion in her head. She was sweating profusely, and her heart continued to race. She was such a fucked up mess, she thought to herself as she used the perspiration to smooth her hair back out of her face. She noticed a different tray sitting on the ledge now and wondered if she had missed yet another meal. It didn't matter.

Olivia made her way towards the door, towards the tray. She took the tray in her hands, carefully studying what was on it. It was hours old, whatever it was. She flung the tray back against the door where it had waited for her. The noise was quick, and she startled at her own actions. She backed away from the door, turning quickly toward the commode on her left. She heaved violently, her insides splitting with the effort. She prayed, she begged for death. It would be easier, it wouldn't hurt as much.

The lights snapped off as Olivia managed to crawl back to her bed. She wrapped her arms around her self as she listened to the hollering that seemed to get worse. It wasn't completely dark, she figured the guards needed to be able to see them, but it was defiantly lights out. She listened to the night activity as her body began to settle. She closed her eyes, again hoping sleep would consume her.

It didn't. She spent the night, flat on her back listening to the crying, the occasional scream and the constant talking of the other inmates that were also on lockdown. She couldn't see anybody, but she heard everything. Go to hell, Detective. She had heard that many a times during her career. Finally, she had arrived. Welcome to Hell, Detective Benson.


	18. Chapter 18

Fighting to Survive Chapter 18

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Olivia wasn't quite sure if it were morning or night as she lied on her bed listening. Listening to nothing, to everything; it was all too loud. She wondered how long she had been in the hole, didn't matter. This whole place was a shit hole, she supposed that was the intention. You weren't supposed to like it here. She spent most nights awake, afraid to sleep for the nightmares that consumed her. Her days were spent in much the same manner as her mind shut down due to pure sleepless exhaustion. Her best judge of time came with the replacement trays of unrecognizable food. She learned to tell time by the mealtimes.

She was allowed one shower a week and she looked forward to the slight hope of feeling like herself again. The reprieve was always short lived as she never really felt clean of Richard Morris. She was then returned to her cell, clean yet tainted, scarred, done. She slept on and off, dreamed and screamed. She cried until she couldn't. She refused to allow her mind to think of who she was before, and didn't dare to wonder what she would do after. This was her now and she was destined for pain. She would have to accept it, embrace it if she had any hope of coming out of here with anything of her formal self in tact.

She looked up at the guard that entered her cell without announcing. "Let's go, Benson. Time's up."

"Already?" Olivia mumbled as she got to her feet as ordered. Her ribs ached, but no longer threatened to disable her without warning. The bruising on her face had since disappeared and her headaches no longer existed except when her own screams woke her from sleeping.

"You can stay if you want." Olivia eyed the large guard. She would never understand why they allowed males to guard female prisoners. Sealview was always in the back of her mind as she proceeded toward him.

"Doesn't matter, not really, does it?" Olivia turned to have her hands cuffed.

"Hey, Princess. Missed you." Mel's voice was an instant irritant as Olivia was shoved into her old home with her old roommate. She glanced toward her bunk, realizing Mel had neatly folded and stacked her bedding on the top bunk.

"Yeah, that's not going to work. I get the bottom." Olivia had yet to leave from where the cell door was slammed shut behind her.

"You're healed now." Mel shrugged as she stood, almost challenging Olivia. "It's about seniority now."

"Listen, I really don't want to do this with you. I am tired of fighting already, but I really don't want to have to climb in and out of bed." Olivia took a few steps towards Mel who refused to lose eye contact. Mel was well aware of Olivia's right hook and made her move based on that.

Olivia was quicker, grabbing her arm and twisting it behind her back in an all too familiar move. She had Mel face planted into the wall within seconds. "Do you really want to do this?"

"Easy, Princess. Fine, take the bottom." Mel tried not to look affected as Olivia pushed off her, leaving her to adjust her arm back around to the front of her body. She then moved past Olivia to strip the bed.

"Thanks for your help out there." Olivia's voice dripped with sarcasm and contempt. "I thought we had an understanding."

"We do." Mel didn't seem to feel the anger Olivia was speaking with. "You have to prove yourself. If I had helped you, then somebody would always want to try you alone."

"So, what? Now I'm good." Olivia shook her head at what she saw as a cop out on Mel's part. She proceeded to make her bed.

"Probably not, but at least word is out that you can handle yourself." Mel stared at Olivia as she finished with her bunk. "Where did you learn to fight like that? You don't look like the prison regular."

Olivia ignored Mel's question. "Got anything to read?"

Elliot made his way up to Taconic. He was frustrated that his visitors request had taken as long as it had. He figured it had something to do with his status, but had come to learn she was in solitary. He was scared as to what he would see when she was brought out to him. He was certain she wasn't getting any help for the rape, he figured she was physically beat down and this would show in her mental well being. He abandoned the idea of rehearsing what he would say to her for he knew she would control that conversation. If there even was one. Sometimes they didn't need to talk.

He sat at a table closer to the back where he was directed. He was nervous, more nervous than he wondered if he should be. Surely Olivia would be glad to see him. He hoped anyway. It had seemed so long ago that he had seen her last, but it was only five weeks. A lifetime to some, but a glimpse of time to others. Elliot watched as one by one the inmates were led out into the large room. It was a slow process, giving Elliot plenty of time to work on his nerves. He watched as hugs and even kisses were exchanged as each inmate was united with her visitor. He wanted to be able to hold Olivia, even if for just a few seconds, but he wouldn't know if he could. Something else she would have to control, it was only right.

Elliot eyes were directed to the door where a handful of inmates had been led through already. He held his breath in hopes that it would be his partner this time as the door swung open. He would only have a few seconds to see and access her for himself before she would see him. So thin, she had lost an incredible amount of weight since being in here and that worried Elliot. She often let rough cases affect her eating habits which would cause weight loss from time to time. This though, was alarming. Her skin normally held a natural tan color which served her well, but not at this time. Elliot shook his head as he took in her pale appearance and sunken features. She had a natural beauty to her that managed to show through despite her current state.

She never looked at the guard who directed her where to go. She seemed only slightly curious as to who was visiting her and it wasn't until she was close to his table that she looked up at Elliot. He had gotten to his feet by then and watched as she raised her eyes to focus on his face. Elliot shifted to keep from losing his balance. The look on her face, the confusion in her eyes, was enough to knock him from his strong, sturdy stance.

"Liv?" Elliot's voice was not his own as she barely responded to his nickname for her.

"You shouldn't have come, Elliot." Elliot was pleased to hear her voice as it always was, sharp, controlled, strong.

Elliot took a step towards her, pausing to gage her reaction. When there was none, he closed the distance completely easily enclosing her in his arms. He prayed she'd allow this, he needed it if nothing else.

And she did. Elliot felt her arms wrap around his back as her fingers grasped his shirt. He felt her rest her head on his shoulder as he took in her scent. It wasn't how she usually smelled, no fancy soaps and perfumes in here, he thought. It was her though and he was amazed at how easy it was to hold her.

She pulled from him, taking a step back in the process. Elliot cringed at the tears that she fought with. It took her a few minutes, but they were soon gone and she took a seat at the table they were assigned. Her eyes glanced around the room, usually falling on where the guards were. Elliot was just as aware of his surroundings as she was. They would always be cops, always be partners. He knelt down in front of Olivia's chair, taking her hands in his. He looked at them, noticing how pale her coloring was after only five weeks. He hated this. All of this. Olivia looked down at Elliot then, allowing her hands to tighten around his.

For a brief second, nothing else mattered. Nobody else existed. Elliot stared into Olivia's eyes, barely noticing when they lifted upward, filled with alarm. It was too late by the time Elliot looked over his shoulder. He heard the catch in Olivia's breathing when she leaned back against the baton that was at her throat. Elliot immediately got to his feet, ready to charge.

"There's no touching." Elliot sized up the female guard that had so effortlessly shoved her weapon against Olivia.

"Is that really necessary?" Elliot was instantly furious and he could feel the anger color his skin.

"One warning, Benson. That's it." Olivia nodded against the baton, using her eyes to plead with Elliot to calm down. Elliot watched as the guard shot Olivia a stern warning look before walking away.

"What the fuck was that all about?" Elliot's voice was louder than either of them would've liked.

"That's her favorite move. I don't think she cares for me much." Olivia tried to come off as nonchalant, but Elliot was too in tune to her, even now. It affected her, everything seemed to affect her.

The former partners sat in silence for a few minutes before Olivia spoke without looking. "Why are you here? It just makes it harder, you know."

"For who?" Elliot got what he expected, her to ignore his question. After a few minutes of uneasy silence, Elliot tried again. "Should I ask why you were sent to solitary?'

"Do you need to?" Olivia looked directly into Elliot's eyes then. He could see the faint outline of faded bruises.

"No." Elliot response held more feeling than he could handle and the tone of his voice seemed to affect her as well.

"I wish you wouldn't have come, Elliot. Here, today or when…" Olivia's voice trailed off as she seemed to continuously scan the room.

Elliot reached across the table only to pull his hands back quickly. The last thing he wanted was for Olivia's friend to return. He leaned in as close as the table would allow. "I know I hurt you, I'm sorry. I should never have abandoned you like that, you didn't deserve that."

Olivia took in his words waiting until she replied. "None of this is your fault, Elliot."

"Maybe not, but not keeping in touch was. Not returning your calls, not checking on you. I'm sorry, Olivia. I just…I didn't know what to do."

"I couldn't imagine, Elliot. If I were in your shoes, I don't know…" Olivia took a deep breath. It actually felt good to be able to do that again. " How are the kids, Kathy?"

Elliot wasn't phased too much by her one eighty. It hurt to discuss why they were where they were, professionally and personally.

"Liv, are you okay? Please don't lie to me." Elliot begged with his voice, with his eyes.

Olivia stared down at her hands for a long few minutes before responding. "It doesn't matter. Nothing in here matters. It's just the way it is."

Elliot accepted her answer. She was avoiding and he knew it. She wasn't ready to say how not okay she really was. He respected that, he would have to.

Elliot spent the next two hours getting one sentence answers out of Olivia. He talked about his kids, mentioned Kathy, Nick and Fin. He talked about Cragen and Alex. It wasn't until he mentioned he was staying at her apartment that she showed any real emotion. Only then to correct herself for reacting at all.

"You don't have to go back there when you're released, but it will be there for you if you want to." Elliot tried to explain part of the reason why he was there.

"Where do you sleep?" Her question was only slightly surprising.

Elliot watched her until she raised her eyes to meet his. "I replaced the bed. I sleep in your bedroom, Olivia." Elliot noticed the slight change in her breathing then.

She stared at him, but wasn't looking at him; not really. "Liv? Talk to me."

"How, Elliot? How can you stay there knowing what happened? What he did…What I did…"

"I want to be as close to you as possible. That is your home and for now I made it mine." Elliot was sorry he had upset her as it was clearly a struggle for Olivia to control her emotions at what he had confessed. He felt his heart skip when the call was made that visiting hours were concluded. Olivia stood forcing Elliot to do the same. He waited until he saw the others hugging goodbye before reaching for Olivia once again.

She had basically just fallen into his embrace, almost begging him to help her. He had just raised his hand to her head when she was jerked from him. "What the fuck is your problem!" Elliot couldn't control his anger this time, not even for Olivia's sake.

"That's enough. Let's go." Olivia was shoved forward before turning to look at Elliot. He wanted to rush towards her, pull her from the guard's hold and leave with her. Leave here and go anywhere, didn't matter where. He just wanted to get her out of here. Olivia turned and headed back from where she had emerged from a few hours ago. Elliot waited to see if she would look again, but she didn't. He figured she knew she couldn't.

Olivia functioned somehow the rest of the day with the pressure building in her chest. It had hurt to see Elliot. It had hurt to touch him; it had hurt to have to leave him. She wouldn't be able to do this again, not if this is what it felt like after. He would understand, he would have to.

Olivia sat at a somewhat crowded table watching the others have dinner. She wouldn't eat again today, she was never hungry anymore. She raised her eyebrow when Mel and Sally forced the women across from her to leave so they could then sit. "Hey there, Princess."

Olivia didn't answer, just watched. She watched as Sally and Mel carried on with their conversation. She watched as the other women around her were either engrossed in conversations of their own or lost in thought. She followed a slight disturbance with her eyes. Brie was stirring something up on the other side of the room. Olivia found herself grinning at the way Brie smiled and talked her way out of a beating. It was then that Olivia caught that same young girl that had made eye contact with her before her stint in solitary. She was watching her from across the room. Her eyes never leaving Olivia even after it was obvious Olivia noticed her staring.

Olivia slowly rose from her seat with no more than glance from Mel. She carefully made her way towards the younger woman who was also on the move. Eye contact was never broken, yet it wasn't long and Olivia had lost her once again. Her eyes were eerily familiar to Olivia and that alone made her nervous.

She returned to her cell and collapsed onto her bunk. She didn't want to think about Elliot and the look on his face when she had to leave him. She couldn't allow herself to feel his arms around her or to remember the way his aftershave was so familiar. She felt the burn in her throat as the tears worked their way up. She couldn't be caught crying, Mel would be back anytime, and she really didn't want to tangle with her tonight.

Olivia shifted gears within her head trying in vain to place the woman who was making it a point to get her attention. Her eyes were haunting and that alone should sparked a memory. Olivia feared it would spark so much more than just a memory.


	19. Chapter 19

Fighting to Survive Chapter 19

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Elliot waited patiently for Langan to return from court. He had all day and was prepared to spend all day if that's what it took to talk to the man that he felt didn't fight for his partner. He heard what Alex had said, that things could've have been much worse for Olivia. He didn't see it that way. There were only brief moments where Olivia had even come close to resembling her old self during their visit. Mostly she was withdrawn and living alone within her head. He knew she was in a bad way, struggling with the rape, struggling with being incarcerated, struggling to survive both. What he didn't know was that despite how bad she looked now, she was better than she was.

"Mr. Langan will see you now." Elliot's thoughts were interrupted by Langan's secretary. He was proud of himself for not just barging in demanding to be seen. Elliot had to play the game according to everybody else's rules, he was hating it.

"Stabler." Trevor Langan seemed preoccupied causing Elliot to reconsider even trying to talk to the man. "What can I do for you?"

"Nothing. I'm not the one in prison." Elliot took a seat in front of Langan's desk, causing the tall attorney to take a seat as well. Elliot was surprised to see him stop his busy movements and focus his attention on Elliot's statement.

"How's Olivia doing?"

"She was raped not six weeks ago. Has already been to solitary once because of having to defend herself. How do you think she's doing?" Elliot was careful not to let his frustration get in the way of the fact he needed Langan to hear him out.

"Might have been the best thing to happen to her. She was in rough shape physically; needed time to heal." Trevor watched Elliot's expression carefully.

"Yeah, maybe. Ever been in solitary, Langan?" Elliot knew he hadn't. "I have. It was intentional, only three days, and I almost didn't make it."

"Make your point, Stabler." Trevor leaned over the desk. He hated that Elliot thought he had abandoned Olivia when he did all he could to do right by her.

"She spent thirty days there. She's gotten no help with dealing with what happened to her and she has to live on edge every minute of every day." Elliot made his point, now he had to make his request and he hated asking this man for anything. "Can't you do something, Langan?"

Trevor Langan was a serious man and that wasn't lost on Elliot as he made his way from behind his desk so that he was towering over the former detective. Elliot stood instantly keeping his eyes carefully on the agitated defense attorney. "I did everything I could for Benson. Do you realize how much worse things could've been for her?"

"Yeah." Elliot didn't like how Langan appeared to dismiss his concerns. "Like they are now. She needs help, not to be punished."

"What do you want me to do, Stabler? She was looking at murder one. Life. She's doing less than two years." Langan returned to sit at his desk. "I could see if we could get her segregated, but that's not much better than solitary."

"It's a lot better than solitary. She'll be safer, without having to be punished." Elliot wasn't sure if what Langan was suggesting was what he came looking for, but it was at least something. He couldn't shake the feeling that was tormenting him. How Olivia had begged him to help her, without speaking, without asking.

"Elliot, if she is segregated, it will be a known fact that she is a police officer. Was a police officer. She will be targeted for that reason alone."

"Maybe, but she will be protected. I hate that she has to fight as much as she does." Elliot wasn't satisfied with what Langan was going to try to do. He probably should've asked Olivia before trying to help her in this way.

"Let me see what I can do." Langan's comment was meant to dismiss Elliot.

Elliot left and walked the short distance to Olivia's apartment. She would be safer segregated, he hoped.

Olivia awoke to the loud, persistent snoring of her cellmate. She rolled onto her side in hopes of blocking out at least some of the noise. She wasn't annoyed with the snoring as much as she was with the fact that she couldn't stay asleep for any amount of time. She needed to sleep, her body was paying for the lack of rest and she knew this would affect her ability to think, to fight.

She kicked the bunk above her, hoping to arouse Mel enough to get her to change positions at least. It worked as Mel cursed at her loudly before shifting. Olivia hadn't realized she had drifted back to sleep until Mel jumping down from her bunk startled her.

"Sorry, princess. If I had the bottom, I wouldn't have waken you." Mel was preparing to leave for breakfast. "Coming?"

"Nah, I'm good right here." Olivia closed her eyes attempting to block Mel out, even if just for a few more minutes.

"You know they're probably going to assign us jobs soon. They give us a honeymoon period before putting us to work." Mel sat down on Olivia's bunk even though she knew how she hated that.

"Is there something you want?" Olivia was highly irritated and didn't care that it showed in her voice.

"There's been a lot of talk lately. A lot of unhappy people around here." Mel kept her gaze on Olivia who hadn't moved at all until now.

"Really. A lot of unhappy people in prison. Go figure. In fact, just go." Olivia nudged Mel with her foot, opening her eyes when the larger woman didn't move.

"I don't know why, Princess, but I like you. Keep your eyes open, stay close to home when you can. Something don't feel right around here." Mel then stood leaving Olivia to wonder what was up.

"Okay, I'll bite." Olivia forced herself to her feet. "What's going on?"

"Sally gets info from her connections. I trust her, so I trust what she tells me." Mel waited until Olivia acknowledged what she was saying. "Something's going to go down soon, it's in the air."

Olivia listened carefully to Mel, wondering if she were referring to a riot. She knew something about prison rioting from Sealview, mostly stories. "Racial?"

Mel shook her head. "Don't you think these guards are bit…off their chain. I know for a fact that one has a thing for you."

Olivia thought back to when she was with Elliot and how quick she had the baton against her throat. "Nothing good will come of it, you know that."

"Probably not, but it does calm things for awhile. They're out of control." Mel stared at Olivia for a few seconds. "This would be a good time to prove who you are around here."

"How do I do that when I'm sitting in the hole for another month?" Olivia shook her head as she tried to remind herself that she was one of them. She had lost her title, but her every being was still Detective Benson.

"Officer Harvey. That's the big blond bitch that you need to focus on. If all hell breaks loose, she won't hesitate on coming after you. Take her out first." Mel obviously knew more than she originally let on.

Olivia climbed back onto her bunk, wishing she could sleep away the rest of her sentence. "I'm so tired of fighting."

"Oh, sweetheart, that's all we do here." Mel laughed as she nudged Olivia. "Come on, hang with Sally and me. Don't stay by yourself too much."

Olivia didn't want to be involved in this at all. She knew it wouldn't end good, uprisings never did. Only thing worse than having to fight another inmate was having to fight a guard you weren't supposed to fight back against. It was a lose- lose situation as was her whole existence right now. Olivia forced herself back to her feet and prepared to leave for breakfast with Mel.

It was amazing how even bad coffee provided the jolt that her body still naturally craved. Olivia had taken a seat across from Mel as the two women sipped at their lukewarm breakfast. "Where's Sally?"

"Dunno. Probably sleeping in." Mel's answer held a nervous hint as Olivia scanned the activity in the large, busy eating area. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary, although Olivia still hadn't had enough time to figure out what ordinary was around here. Sally wasn't sleeping, there was a reason she wasn't by Mel's side. They were always together, Olivia had managed to figure that much out. Olivia had to rely on her instincts and that was unnerving on a normal day in the real world.

"There's Officer Friendly now." Mel motioned with her eyes behind Olivia to where the large, blond guard had positioned herself so that Olivia was in her direct view. Olivia turned, making eye contact with the female guard that has been set on intimidating her since her arrival.

"Sally's taking too long." Mel's comment pulled Olivia's attention away from Officer Harvey.

"Level with me." Olivia demanded Mel's full attention.

"She's the worst." Mel once again motioned to Harvey. "You deserve to be the one to fuck her up. Besides not too many people in here can even come close to sizing up against her." Mel had come to respect Olivia's toughness.

"I'm not going to attack a guard." Olivia was amazed at how quickly she was not only in the middle of this anticipated chaos, but a lead player.

"Have it your way." Mel shrugged as she slowly got to her feet. She turned to the commotion to her right, causing Olivia to do the same. Brie was being slammed into a table by a guard. Brie was always smiling, it was her way of irritating the guards. Only know, she wasn't smiling at all. Olivia felt her pain as she the young black woman locked eyes with her.

Olivia started towards her, but was stopped instantly by Harvey's sharp voice. She looked for Mel, who was surprisingly standing close to her.

"Sally's in trouble." Mel was instantly gone from Olivia side as another disturbance broke out not far where Brie was being cuffed. Olivia didn't understand the need to go to Brie, to try to help her, but she felt herself moving in that direction. Then she felt the sharp blow against her lower back, instantly forcing her to her knees.

"Don't think about it, Benson." Olivia's eyes had closed at the pain that jolted her entire body. She forced them back open just in time to see Mel take a guard's baton across the face. It took only seconds for Olivia to realize that all hell had broken loose. She was then forced flat on her stomach as Harvey's knee was rammed into her back.

Olivia reacted more out of fear and anger than actual plan as she surprised the guard that easily outweighed her. She forced herself from Harvey's hold, finding the guard immediately off balance. Olivia took advantage of her brief moment of superiority and used her full weight to slam the heavy guard to the ground. She punched her more in fear of their roles being reversed, then anger. Harvey's hold on the baton released giving Olivia another opportunity to dominate.

Olivia couldn't hear much that was going on around her, only her own heart as it thumped against her chest. She grabbed the baton with a firm grip and raised it above her head. She saw the look of fear in the officers eyes, and for a brief moment she recognized that fear. She saw Richard through those same eyes. The thought rattled her as she began to lower the baton. Her body was slammed into as she forced the picture of Richard Morris from her mind.

"Get up, come on, get up!" Olivia opened her eyes to see a young, small woman pulling on her arms and shirt. Olivia tried to pull from her when she locked eyes with the terrified woman. "Please, get up now!"

Olivia worked against the sharp pain in her back that Harvey's baton had caused less than a moment earlier. She pushed to her feet, as the woman's grip on her was tight. It was then that she realized the woman was the one with the eyes. The eyes that haunted.

Olivia slid down against a wall furthest from the main activity. She knew she wouldn't have much time before Harvey came for her. Olivia stared into the woman's eyes as she took quick glances at her while monitoring what was going on. "Don't fight no more. They'll kill you and call it necessary."

"Who are you?" Olivia grabbed a hold of the woman's arms forcing her to stay still and look at her.

"You'll remember me in time. I never forgot you, Detective Benson."

Olivia felt the sharp sting to her face. A familiar pain as she fought against blacking out. She felt her hold on the younger woman release just as she heard Brie laughing at a guard. It was a haunting laugh that scared Olivia. Just as much as the sound of the young woman's voice as she called her by name.

A/N: Whitebordeaux. Honorcpt. Fiction is about fantasy. Fantasy is about escape. Fairy tales do exist, sometimes only in fantasyland.


	20. Chapter 20

Fighting to Survive Chapter 20

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Olivia could feel Officer Harvey's full weight as she jammed her knee into the small of Olivia's back. She tried to look around, but Harvey's hand kept her head and face low to the ground. The noise was almost deafening between the sirens, the hollering and the screaming. Olivia struggled against the larger officer, but was no match now that her balance was off due to the shot she took to her head.

The sound of gunfire startled Olivia to stop struggling. Two more shots rang out before she noticed Mel's girlfriend Sally was fast approaching. Olivia felt an immediate relief in her breathing as Sally plowed into Officer Harvey causing the guard to land on her back again. Sally then pulled Olivia to her feet encouraging her to get moving. The chaos would provide the cover the women needed to escape the immediate line of fire.

Sally dragged Olivia past the upturned tables and fallen inmates. The male voice over the loudspeaker accompanied by the guards yelling on the grounds was enough to disorient even the clear headed. Olivia's head was throbbing as a result of taking Harvey's baton to her face and her body ached with every step Sally forced her to take. The crowd Sally was heading for was overwhelming and Olivia wondered how much longer she'd be able to stand as her legs were becoming weak.

Sally abandoned Olivia when she saw Mel lying on the ground, bleeding from her head. She was conscious, but unable to get up at Sally's urging. Sally was all but begging Mel to get up, obviously abandoning the journey she had started. Olivia saw Harvey and two other male guards gunning for them. She grabbed Sally's shirt, nearly yanking her from Mel. "Gotta go now." Olivia's voice was full of authority she did not feel.

Sally looked back and decided to heed Olivia's advice. Olivia dropped to her knees, so that she was nearly at Mel's level. "Close your eyes, Christina. Don't be tough, be dead." Olivia placed her hand on Mel's face, encouraging her to close her eyes despite the chaos that surrounded them. Olivia was quickly back on her feet, despite the pain that continued to scream from her lower back. She looked for Sally but decided to head in an entirely different direction when she realized she had blended into the crowd that was now being herded back towards her.

Olivia looked for Officer Harvey, but she only saw more and more screaming women as the crowd seemed to grow larger. The prison was in complete chaos with inmates lying on the ground throughout. It had only been a few minutes prior when Olivia had been sitting down talking to Mel, now she found herself trying to survive in the midst of hell. She decided to try to make it back to her cell, it seemed like the safest decision. Olivia tried to get her bearings as far as direction when she heard yet another gunshot. The screaming got louder with each shot that rang out and Olivia was struggling to keep her head together.

"Hey, Princess." Olivia looked down at the familiar voice. Brie was lying on the ground, bleeding from her chest. She had been one of the inmates shot and was now reaching up for help. Olivia recognized the look, Brie wasn't going to make it. Olivia grasped her hand, strangely comforted by the young woman's otherwise irritating smile. "It's pretty ugly in here, huh?"

"It is." Olivia smiled despite the terror that surrounded them.

"You gotta fight, Princess. Don't let them hurt you." Brie smiled again before the blood began to fill her mouth. Olivia never knew why Brie was here, but it really didn't matter, especially now. Olivia shook her head as she stared down at the now dead woman still gripping her hand. The sound of Officer Harvey's voice was enough to get Olivia moving once again. She stood, looking to see where Harvey was compared to where she thought she heard her voice.

There were two women beating a guard not far from where Olivia was. Her every being wanted to stop it, she was a police officer and that guard was one of her own. The tightness in her chest reminded her of how dangerous a move that would be for her now, as she forced herself to turn away. Olivia turned to look behind her making eye contact with a furious Officer Harvey. It was all she needed to get moving again, using the out of control crowd as cover as she made her way away from the angry guard.

It was then that she had seen her. The young woman with the haunting eyes was being slammed into a far wall by one of the male guards. Olivia told herself to continue toward her cell, but her legs refused to obey as she made her way out of the safety of the crowd. Blood was all over the woman's uniform and her face showed about the same amount. Olivia felt a familiar sickening feeling as she was able to identify the look in the woman's eyes. It was obvious that she was in severe pain as the guard repeatedly shoved her body against the brick walls of the prison. She wasn't fighting, she was barely breathing as she grasped the baton that was perfectly placed against her throat.

Olivia didn't think, just reacted to the plea of help that escaped the woman's lips once she made eye contact with Olivia. Knowing she would undoubtedly pay for her decision, Olivia used her own body to slam into the guard knocking them both to the ground. Olivia was no match for the stronger, male guard who immediately had her pinned. Olivia tried to look for the young woman, scanning where her eyes could reach. She felt the weight of the baton against her own throat just as she saw the woman huddled in a tight ball just a few feet from her.

Olivia shifted her eyes to meet those of the guard. He was grinning at her with angry eyes. Olivia grabbed at the baton, hoping to be able to fill her lungs, but she had come to realize just how little strength she had. Olivia listened to the crowd noise quickly disappear to where all she could hear was Richard's voice. The chaos was gone to where all she could see was Richard's face. The guard's weight as he straddled her was disabling in much the same way as Richard's was. Olivia feared passing out, but soon surrendered to the idea. It was then that she heard Harvey's voice once more. A strange sense of relief invaded her as she felt the guard slowly get off of her. It was short lived as she expected.

"This ends now!" Olivia braced against Officer Harvey's harsh tone knowing this very well may be the end for her.

Elliot had been lost in his own world for weeks now. He was consumed with how to help Olivia, despite the fact there was nothing he could do for her at this point. He wanted to see her again, needed to see her again, but there were rules governing that. When he could see her, how long, what he could say to her, how long he could touch her. He spent most of his days in an angry fog. He wished he could release his fury on Richard Morris, but Olivia had eliminated that option. He was angry at Trevor Langan, but couldn't do anything about that either. Langan did say he would try to get her out of general population, for her own safety. Elliot wanted to go back to Langan and ask him to forget it. Olivia stood a much better chance fighting physically than going up against the demons that would threaten her if left to her thoughts alone.

Elliot would call her home phone number from his cell just to hear her voice from the recording. He knew logically it was the same voice each time, but his chest tightened just a little bit when he called it swearing it changed. She sounded defeated on her machine, to him she sounded done.

There was a soft knocking on the apartment door. Elliot wasn't expecting anyone, nobody really knew he was here. He pulled himself from the bed in Olivia's room, glancing at the clock on his way to the front door. It was close to noon already and the realization caused Elliot to shake his head in disgust. He was going to waste yet another day and so was his life now. He quickly swung the door open to a waiting Alex Cabot. She looked Elliot in the eyes before he stepped aside allowing her entrance.

Elliot watched as Alex slowly made her way into Olivia's living room. The usually self assured, confident prosecutor looked to be anything but as she seemed to be studying everything in the room. Elliot hadn't removed anything, everything was where Olivia had left it. Nothing except the bed. That had to go and Elliot had taken care of that immediately.

"You probably wouldn't have heard yet, but Taconic Correctional is on lockdown." Alex eyed Elliot through her ice blue eyes. Elliot knew the look, this was serious and he knew he didn't want to hear the rest. He rubbed his hand over his face, before asking Alex to continue.

"The inmates staged a riot, it's bad Elliot." Alex's voice shook slightly, Elliot wondered if anybody else would've picked up on it.

"How bad?" Elliot's voice shook a lot and he knew Alex noticed immediately.

"Thirty-two dead, including two correctional officers. Three times that injured, some pretty severely."

Elliot blew out a long breath. Alex was right in saying it was bad. How had he not heard. Probably because he never puts the television on and refused the radio anymore. "When?"

"Early this morning." Alex answered knowing the next question.

"If Olivia had been killed, you would've already said." Elliot was fighting the nausea that suddenly appeared from nowhere.

"Cragen is calling in every favor he has ever been owed trying to find out her condition now. The initial report he was able to get was that she was in critical condition at the local hospital by the prison. Most of the injured are being treated on prison grounds, but the severely injured were taken out."

Elliot was still for a few seconds before dismissing Alex. "I've got to get up there."

"Elliot, they're not going to let you in to see her. She's a prisoner involved in a riot. My guess is they'll be looking to charge her." Alex always used the facts to keep the detectives on track and this felt no different to Elliot.

"You know as well as I do that if she was involved it was in an attempt to protect herself or someone else. What would she possibly be charged with?" Elliot knew it wouldn't be that simple. "Could you get in to see her?"

"I don't know." Alex knew somebody had to get in to see her before she was forced into confessing something she shouldn't…again. "Let me see what I can do."

Any little movement was incredibly painful so Olivia decided to lie still despite the constant movement around her. She wanted to know exactly what was going on, but even the dull overhead lights caused pain behind her closed eyes. She realized her arms were cuffed to the rails of the bed preventing her from using her hands to swipe at the blood that continued to run down her face. She took small shallow breaths as the estimated every rib was broken this time. When she did decide to brave the pain and open her eyes, she could only see out of one. Her nose was broken, causing her to mouth breathe, which did nothing to help the pain throughout her body. Olivia's mind seemed to be stuck on Officer Harvey and why she didn't just kill her. Death had to be better than the hell she was forced to endure. Death had to be better than life, especially what her life was now.

"Olivia?" Grave Ann Mills was granted access based on Langan being on retainer. Grace was taken back by what she saw when she was shown to the sectioned off area of the emergency room where Olivia had been placed and seemingly forgotten.

Olivia turned her head toward the familiar voice, but didn't bother to open her eyes.

Grace forced herself to remain professional despite how bad she felt for Olivia. She knew this women did not deserve to be in prison and she certainly didn't deserve what she was being forced to endure.

"Alex Cabot asked that I come see you. They're not letting anybody in right now, everything's a mess to say the least." Grace wanted to touch Olivia to maybe calm her. She could tell how Olivia was shaking as her pain was overwhelming.

"How did you get in?" Olivia opened her eyes wanting to see if it really was who she thought it was.

"Trevor Langan has a lot more pull than most people realize." Grace moved closer to Olivia lightly touching her arm. Both Olivia's arms were covered with angry bruises so Grace was careful not to cause her any more pain.

"Olivia, two guards were killed. Are you aware of that?" Grace watched as Olivia was basically unresponsive. She could tell she was wanting to say something, so Grace waited patiently.

"No."

"Can you tell me what happened? How you were hurt so bad?" Grace tried to keep her voice low.

"I'm never going to get out of here, am I?" Olivia's voice was strange to even her own ears as she was beginning to realize the severity of what all had happened earlier.

"Yes. You will, Olivia. This will all be sorted out. You have to hang in there." Grace knew Olivia was in an incredible amount of pain, but she could tell how mentally defeated she was.

"They're going to charge me. I had to… I had to fight…I…"

"Shhh." Grace moved closer to Olivia's head so she was sure Olivia could hear her. "Olivia, don't say anything to anyone. Understand? Let Trevor try and help you."

Olivia opened her eyes again, staring into Grace's. "They killed so many of them. Brie and Mel and…They were shooting them."

"They'll sort it all out. Trevor is going to try and get you segregated." Grace thought that would be welcomed news but was surprised at Olivia's reaction.

"No, I can't. Don't let them do that to me, please." Olivia's tone was bordering hysteria.

"Olivia, who did this to you?" Grace knew there was video and could only hope that Olivia's attack would be captured.

"Harvey." Olivia coughed as the blood from her nose ran down the back of her throat.

"Officer Harvey?" Grace immediately wondered if Olivia had been targeted by the shady officer. "Olivia, Officer Harvey was one of the two correctional officers murdered."

Grace watched as there was little to no response from Olivia. Finally Olivia looked up at Grace. "I didn't kill her, but they will pin it on me. I can't do this anymore." Olivia's voice was barely a whisper as she turned away from Grace.

"Let me see if I can apply some heat and get you some help in here. Hang in there, Olivia. It will be okay, I promise you." Grace turned away after Olivia refused to respond. This was bad, really bad.

Elliot waited for Grace outside the hospital. He wondered if she would share anything with him, but he had to try. His heart began to pound hard as he caught sight of Langan's ace as she made her way into the parking lot.

"Ms. Mills?" Elliot wondered if she would have any clue who he was.

"Yes?" No, no clue.

"I'm Elliot Stabler." Elliot held his breath as he watched Grace try to place him. "Detective Benson's partner. Former partner." He hated having to correct himself when it came to who he was to Olivia.

"Of course." Grace held out her hand to Elliot who was embarrassed that he hadn't offered the greeting first.

"Is she okay?" Elliot didn't know Grace and knew he would struggle trying to read her on any other level than how he was trained. He watched as Grace shifted her weight uncomfortably.

"No, Elliot, she's not. There were thirty -two inmates killed. Olivia somehow was not the thirty-third. She'll survive physically anyway…in time." Grace was suddenly angry, but at nobody in particular.

Elliot was both shocked and thankful for the blunt manner in which Grace was delivering. He asked Grace to continue with his eyes.

"She was beaten by a guard pretty severely, Elliot. She remembers that. That guard was one of the two that was killed. Olivia says she didn't kill her." Grace needed Elliot to understand how bad this really was for Olivia.

"If she says she didn't do it, then she didn't do it." Elliot was adamant in his defense of his former partner.

"I believe her, I do." Grace was careful about how she proceeded. "Olivia shot and killed the man who forcibly raped her…when she had other options. They will assume she would do the same with the guard who beat her within an inch of her life."

Grace left Elliot standing in the middle of the hospital parking lot. The wind picked up causing Elliot to shiver slightly. He turned toward the hospital, stopping after taking two steps. They won't let him in to see her. If he went in there, he would have to see her and he would only makes things worse.

Elliot slammed his fists down on the roof of his car. He had to find a way to prove Olivia didn't kill that guard. He knew her and if she said she didn't, then she didn't. Elliot tried to control the way his body was trembling, how his mind was spinning, how his heart was pounding.

Olivia tried to control the way her body was trembling, how her mind was spinning, how her heart was pounding. She would give anything if they would just bring her something for the pain, anything. She would give anything to just get a glimpse of Elliot. He was always her rock, always found a way to ground her, to steady her. She knew she would go down for the murder of that guard, there would be no way out of this. Her mind went to Richard Morris as her body shook with pain, fear and desperation. How she wished he would have killed her first. Olivia had lived alone most of her life, but never had she felt so alone. She knew if she were going to survive she would have to fight harder than she ever had. Unfortunately, there was no more fight left in her.


	21. Chapter 21

Fighting to Survive Chapter 21

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Olivia accepted that they wouldn't be coming to help her any time soon. There was once a time where her status would've made her the priority, definitely not the case now. She would've normally fought to stay conscious, needing to be aware, alert. She prayed now that her mind would let her go, let the darkness take over her broken body, shattered spirit.

The sounds of a busy emergency room were surprisingly comforting as the former detective allowed her eyes to remained closed amidst the orderly chaos. Olivia even smiled slightly as she could picture herself back at the one-six among her colleagues, her family. So many times a case would force the whole squad to pull together, to allow uniforms and detectives from other precincts in to help. Cragen would call it an organized chaos as he made his way through the squad room. The sounds of telephones ringing nonstop in the background and the exasperated sighs and frustrated words that would make their way through the noise and commotion was what she knew. It's what they did. It was who they were. It was who she was.

"Hanging in there?" Elliot's voice was always so comforting even when she would accuse him of babying her. She could hold her own, she had more than proved that to him over the years. She was tired, not unlike everybody else working the case, including her partner. Still, still he found a way to check on her, if not by his words, then by the subtle looks that she would catch as they would follow leads, interview perps, question witnesses. It was who they were. They were partners, who held their own, together.

"State your name, number?" Olivia tried to open her eyes at the male voice that seemed to be close to her, too close. What number? Her eyes refused to open, she only tried once.

"Detective Olivia Benson. Badge number 40..."

"Cute. I really don't have time for this." The male voice was aggravated, obviously not accepting of her answer.

It was all Olivia could do to get enough air into her lungs to spit that much out. She opened her eyes briefly to see she was once again alone. It was then that she realized her mistake. She was no longer Detective Benson. She no longer had a badge number. He wanted her inmate number and damn if she knew it.

"I need to come back, sir. I'm not done here." Olivia pleaded with Cragen to understand. His eyes were angry, then they were concerned, then they wouldn't look at her.

"Take the down time, you have plenty saved up."

"How long?"

"As long as you need."

Olivia could see herself leaving the one-six. She couldn't know she would never return. The pain forced her to cry out, but still nobody came. The pressure in her chest made her want to hold her breath, but she was denied even the simplest of relief. She was content to die, truly believing she had nothing more to live for.

"You live for that job. It'll be that job that kills you." Wrong mother. I didn't die on the job. I died because I didn't do the job. Not correctly anyways. By the book, Benson. Always by the book.

It was hard to breathe. It was hard to think. It was hard to be, but he had come when she needed him the most. He had shown up and she wanted to see him, even if just one more time. She had to, it mattered. He mattered. Olivia tried to take a full breath, but couldn't and the pain was blinding as she tried to look around. She forced her body to move without breathing and she succeeded. Olivia forced her body over the side of the bed, immediately falling to the floor. She was cuffed to the rail which caused the bed to fall then on top of her. The noise and commotion brought her the attention she so desperately needed at this point. There, she was once again the priority. The amount of pain that ravished her body had barely registered as she was finally able to enter the darkness she had so prayed for.

Elliot eyed Charlie as he slammed his glass down on the counter again. He didn't know what to do, where to go, how to be. His partner, his friend, Olivia was hurt bad and here he was drinking draft beer from a glass that seemed to always be empty. Charlie kept them coming as ordered, each time shaking his head. He had no conversation with Elliot, not like he would with Olivia. Charlie didn't ask, Elliot didn't tell.

"Why is it every time I go looking for you, I find you in a bar?" Nick motioned to Charlie before taking the stool next to Elliot.

"Why is it you keep looking for me? I quit, remember?" Elliot barely glanced Nick's way. It hurt him to have to admit that he had been Olivia's partner when…that he hadn't been able to protect her either.

"How bad is she?" Nick ignored Elliot's question by asking one of his own.

"You were looking for me for a reason. What do you want, Amarro?" Elliot was suddenly angry. He didn't know how Olivia was. He didn't know because he didn't go into the hospital. He didn't know because he didn't even try to see her. Grace had mentioned her condition, but Elliot would know by the sound of her voice, the look in her eye how she really was. He would just know.

"Cragen and Tucker both are putting pressure on the prison staff as far as the investigation goes. Cragen cashed in on all his favors, but now he's simply begging. Not pretty, man." Amarro nodded as Charlie brought him his drink of choice.

"She didn't do it. She didn't kill that guard." Elliot nearly whispered his words knowing there would be no hope for Olivia if it was decided that she had.

"I know." Nick's voice was equally as quiet. "Sarah Esteban did."

Elliot immediately turned to face Nick. "Who?"

"Another inmate. Does the name ring a bell, Stabler?"

Elliot turned his whole body to face Nick Amarro. It was clear now that Nick's reasoning for looking for him had more to do than wanting to know Olivia's condition.

"Should it?" Elliot was quickly growing impatient.

"Sara Esteban gave her statement already. She confessed to the murder of Officer Harvey and then proceeded to out Olivia."

Elliot polished off his beer before redirecting his attention to Nick. "It's not like she's undercover, junior."

Nick fielded Elliot's sarcasm, focusing on his original question. "Think, Stabler. Do you know that name?"

"No."

"In her statement she described the attack on herself as well as the attack on Olivia by a male guard." Elliot cringed as he realized they had gotten deep into the investigation already. "Sara Esteban claims Olivia saved her life by interrupting the guards attack only to then be attacked herself."

Elliot didn't want to hear anymore, but his gaze locked onto Nick's face told the younger detective otherwise.

"Sara then attacked Officer Harvey when it looked like she would kill Olivia. It's on tape, Elliot. Clear as day." Nick finished his drink, seemingly proud of himself for being able to give Elliot at least a little hope back.

"Sara Esteban knew Olivia was a cop? How?" Elliot was skeptical by nature, quitting the job didn't change that.

"She knew she was a detective and made sure the warden knew as well. My guess, a former victim, suspect, perp? Doesn't ring a bell?" Nick wondered how much it mattered. Olivia would definitely be segregated now, which he knew would be good and bad.

Elliot was drawing a blank, he too wondering how much it really mattered. Now Olivia would be separated from the general population, and it happened without Langdon's help. Elliot wondered how much help Langdon had been anyway as she shouldn't even be there. He would've taken his chance and gone to trial. Anyone could see how traumatized Olivia was. She was a victim, not a killer.

Elliot threw a few bills down on the counter and prepared to leave. He watched as Nick made no attempt to even acknowledge him as he continued to nurse his drink. Elliot leaned on he counter close to Nick so that he knew he had his full attention. "Those who fight monsters better make damn sure they don't become one."

"Is that how you see her?" Nick searched Elliot's eyes for the truth behind his infected words.

"No." Elliot stared back at Nick with a hardened glare. "I'm willing to bet my life at this point that she sees herself that way. I've got to get her out of there, she will not survive two years of this."

Nick broke their gaze and went back to his drink. Elliot nodded to Charlie his thanks before turning his attention once more back to Nick. "Get out of SVU, Amarro. It'll kill you too…eventually."

The knock at the door irritated Elliot as he wanted to be alone, one of the main reasons for staying at Olivia's apartment. He pulled himself off the couch expecting to see Alex when he swung the door open.

"It's Elliot, right? May I call you that?" Grace Ann Mills looked very much the same as when he had spoken to her earlier outside the hospital.

"Just don't call me Detective." Elliot stepped aside allowing Grace to enter.

"Alex Cabot." Grace answered the question she knew Elliot was wondering. Of course Alex Cabot. Elliot knew Alex was by no means standing by quietly. He knew how close she and Olivia were.

"What can I do for you, Miss Mills?" Elliot watched as Grace glanced around the apartment.

"Surprised you would stay here. It's not healthy." Grace had made her way to the small picture gallery that was by the dusty television set. She stared at the picture of Olivia and Elliot back when they were first partnered.

"So, did you come here to lecture me on my health? If so, not interested." Elliot wasn't interested but he was curious.

Grace had made her way back toward's Elliot. "Are you thinking she will want to come back here when she's released?"

"I'm thinking I will give her that option." Elliot wasn't in the mood to spar, but he would if need be.

"I want to get her out of there. I think we can." Grace was suddenly matter of fact which suited Elliot much better.

"Your boss doesn't seem to think there was any way of keeping her out, much less getting her out. What do you know that he doesn't?" Skeptical by nature.

"I'd like to say I know Olivia. Maybe not as well as you, but I know enough about what's going on in her head." Grace stared Elliot down waiting for him to bite.

"You want to go to trial? Is that even an option?" Elliot knew he wasn't quite getting what Grace was suggesting.

"No, I want to go to the governor. Present her case, her situation. Request a pardon." Grace watched as Elliot took a few minutes to take in all that she had just said.

"And Langdon's okay with this?"

"He doesn't know. Won't know." Grace had obviously thought this through.

"You're willing to risk your job, maybe even you're livelihood to do this." Elliot questioned Grace's motive.

"I'm willing to risk my job for Olivia, yes. Sounds strange that you would question somebody who would risk anything to help Olivia Benson. Didn't you risk your life everyday to protect her?" Grace prodded Elliot into accepting her help.

"That was different. We were partners. It's the job. It's what we did for each other." Elliot wasn't sure what to do with Grace Ann Mills.

"Okay, then. If that's all there is to you and Olivia, then it really isn't healthy for you to be staying here, in her apartment, with her belongings surrounding you. You weren't even partners when this happened." Grace knew she had struck a nerve, that was her intent.

Elliot glared at Grace for a long few moments before finally speaking. "Do you think there's a chance?"

"Always a chance, just depends if you want to take it." Grace headed for the door. "I'll be back early. If you're ready, we'll go first thing."

"If I'm not? Then you'll go alone?" Elliot's head was beginning to spin.

"No, than I won't go at all." Grace closed the door behind her.

Olivia did more than make herself a priority. She was now being tended to constantly as it was realized that she had suffered a full blown pneumothorax at the hands of Officer Harvey. She faded in and out of consciousness due to the head injury also sustained in the attack. Her broken leg was on her as she resorted to desperate measures to be top priority, even if just for today.


	22. Chapter 22

Fighting to Survive Chapter 22

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Olivia listened to the steady sounds of monitors and machines for what seemed like hours. She had no desire to even try to open her eyes, the darkness providing a small amount of comfort which was more than she had felt in months. She fought to keep her body still knowing any movement would be painful. Pain was a sensation that was all too familiar for Olivia and she would give anything to be void of such misery.

Her mind produced images of all she had been through recently, insisting she see Richard Morris' face constantly. Olivia forced her eyes open to erase the clear picture she had of her rapist, her boyfriend. She was greeted by a blinding light that caused her to groan out loud and realize she had no chance of keeping pain away. Everything hurt especially her chest. Breathing was torturous and all she could think about was relief and what it would take for her to get some.

"Olivia?" Alex Cabot moved as close to Olivia as the machines and hospital bed would allow. Alex had managed to work a miracle using legal jargon foreign to the guards to gain access to Olivia's room. Olivia was to spend a minimum of twenty-four hours in the ICU so that her breathing could be monitored closely and Alex was granted permission to stay based on being Olivia's legal representative.

Olivia let her head roll to the side before opening her eyes to the familiar voice of her friend. She was relieved to see Alex, wishing she could speak to her, knowing she couldn't possibly carry a conversation. Alex was close enough so that Olivia didn't have to move at all to listen to what she had to say to her.

"You suffered a pneumothorax, but you're going to be okay." Alex took a moment to take in the dark bruising that covered much of her friend's face and body. Alex took a deep breath almost as if the deeper she breathed the easier it would be for Olivia to get a full breath in as well.

Olivia let her fingers curl around Alex's hand signaling that she was hearing her, despite closing her eyes. The pain Olivia was feeling was displayed in her facial features causing Alex to struggle to keep eye contact. Olivia gripped Alex's hand each time she looked away. She needed to know what was going on and she knew Alex had at least some answers for her.

"Sara Esteban? Do you know who that is?" Alex moved in as close as possible, keeping her voice low. She watched carefully as there seemed to be no recognition in Olivia's eyes. "That's the woman who you helped during the riot."

Olivia didn't recognize the name, but knew who Alex was referring to. "She's going to be okay as well." Alex answered the question she saw in Olivia's eyes. Alex could see how much pain Olivia was in and hated that she was fighting to stay conscious.

"You will be segregated once you're released from the hospital. Sara gave her statement and named you as a Detective. She was trying to help you." Alex could feel Olivia's grip loosen as she slowly relaxed enough to slip back unconscious. She could only wonder what that would mean for Olivia and her mental and emotional recovery.

Elliot reached for his phone to silence the alarm as it announced the early hour. He didn't need to be awoken for he hadn't slept at all. The apartment was quiet as Elliot let his thoughts be of his former partner and the hell that she had endured. How he hoped Grace could provide the miracle that Olivia needed, but he definitely had his doubts. As much as he had always hated Langan, the man was good at what he did. Maybe he had done the right thing by foregoing the trial. Maybe two years was indeed a victory considering the alternative of life in prison. Maybe, just maybe Grace could get her out. She was willing to risk her job, her career by not informing Trevor Langan of her plans, the least he could do was get dressed and go with her. He would do whatever Grace needed him to do if it meant a shot at saving his partner.

Elliot sat with his head in his hands as he waited for Grace to arrive. He was warm in his jacket, but didn't want to keep her waiting. He didn't want to give her any reason not to carry through with the plan. Olivia needed somebody to fight for her and he was ashamed that he had not been available. All he could feel was guilt as he recalled how many times he turned away when she had called. She didn't deserve to be abandoned by him, she didn't deserve to wonder and worry about him. She didn't deserve to be brutally raped.

The light knock at the door caused Elliot to jump to his feet as he felt his heart begin to beat just a bit harder. He took a minute to study Grace Ann Mills through the peephole, impressed with what he saw. A professional in every sense of the word; hair, make-up and clothing all indicating her confidence in what she was about. Grace was no nonsense and Elliot respected the hell out of that.

"Morning." Elliot's tone was hopeful, despite his guarded nature.

"Good Morning, Elliot. Are you ready?" Grace refused his offer to enter, knowing they needed to be at the governor's office first thing.

"What are you going to need me to do?" Elliot was willing to do whatever Grace ordered and that included following her down to her car while her attention seemed focused on the war occurring within her own head.

It wasn't until Grace slid in behind the wheel of her car that she answered Elliot. "All I need you to do is tell me about Olivia Benson." Grace paused to give Elliot time to comprehend what she was asking of him. "I need to know who she was as a cop, a person, a…woman."

"So, you need a character witness?" Elliot snorted before turning to look out his window. He had no idea who Olivia had become since his departure from the unit. He didn't know because he chose to ignore her, abandon her.

"I have a good idea of who she is, but her traumatic ordeal and her reaction to it has raised a few questions." Grace glanced at Elliot briefly, not at all offended that he chose to keep his gaze on the scenery that raced past them.

Elliot started to speak, only to abandoned his attempts to describe Olivia. He thought of Olivia in the beginning of their partnership and then there at the end. He tried to picture her as she was when things were solid between them as partners, but his mind only allowed him to recall when they weren't.

"Elliot, tell me about your partnership. How she handled the SVU unit, how she handled the victims…the rape victims in particular." Grace kept her voice at a comforting level as she noticed how her request was affecting Elliot.

"Sara Johannson." Elliot looked at Grace hard as his memory served him well for a change. "That's the name of the woman that Olivia helped during the riot; the one that named her."

"Okay, tell me about her." Grace had hoped Elliot would open up to her about Olivia. She was convinced nobody understood Olivia Benson the way Elliot Stabler did and she was convinced he would be able to help arm her with what she needed to face the governor with.

"Sara was a child when we met her, twelve, maybe thirteen. Her father had been raping her for years, but it was the rape/murder of her mother that had us involved." Elliot stared back out the window as he continued. "Sara was instantly drawn to Olivia, she had a way with kids. Olivia was the one who realized Sara's secret and got her help."

Elliot wondered what had happened to land Sara in Taconic. "I hate it when you can look into a child's eyes and see no soul. That was Sara. Olivia had a hard time with that case. She often felt things too deep early on…when she first came to SVU."

Grace kept her eyes on the road, hoping not to distract Elliot from recalling and sharing. She wondered if he could hear how his voice softened when he talked about Olivia and how she was as his partner.

"She got better…or worse as time went on. Toughened up a bit, got a bit harder." Elliot looked to Grace then wondering what the woman was thinking.

"Jaded?"

"No. Somehow, no." Elliot shook his head. "I told her once that she could always walk away when it got too tough. She said she knew she couldn't ever walk away. This is who Olivia Benson is."

"Do you think Olivia knew who Sara was when she attacked the guard that was beating her?" Grace glanced quickly at Elliot for his reaction before concentrating on the road once again.

"Olivia wouldn't forget a victim, especially not one that affected her the way Sara did. If Olivia saw her eyes, then she knew who she was." Elliot closed his own eyes with his statement. "Sara saved Olivia's life after once again Olivia helped her."

The hum of the tires on the highway caused Elliot to want to drift off as silence filled the car. It was Grace's soft voice that stirred him once again. "Elliot, do you think she meant to kill Richard Morris?"

"Don't know. Wasn't there."

Grace glared at Elliot telling him she wasn't going to accept his answer. "What do you think?"

"Yes. I think she meant to kill that son of a bitch. All the evidence points to her having other options." Elliot listened to his own words and wondered if he didn't just put the nail in Olivia's coffin.

"Why?" Grace was prodding and Elliot recognized the line of questioning.

"Olivia is a product of rape. She grew up with a mother who resented her because of that." Elliot's words hurt his own heart as he thought about what kind of childhood Olivia really had. "She watched as her mother drank herself to death because she couldn't get over her rape. Olivia wasn't going to live like that."

Grace pulled the car over so that she could concentrate on what Elliot was saying to her. "Like what, Elliot. Tell me what you think Olivia was thinking when she shot an unconscious Richard Morris in the back of the head."

"She would rather die herself than live like her mother did." Elliot's voice was flat as he was suddenly angry at Grace, at Richard, at Olivia.

"Why not just kill herself with her gun? Why shoot Richard?" Grace had noticed the change in Elliot's breathing and gently laid her hand on his forearm.

"She knew if she was sent to prison, she would die there. She knew. She knew they would find out she was a cop and they would kill her. I think she was counting on that." Elliot took a deep breath, slowly letting it out before continuing. "She shot Richard Morris so that he couldn't rape another woman. She didn't want to live, but she couldn't let him live either. Wasn't safe for whoever his next victim would be."

The silence was comforting and Grace was careful to let Elliot sit with his words before she started the car up once again. She pulled back onto the highway, easily blending in with the early morning traffic.

"You wanted to know who Olivia Benson was, where there you go. Who she is now, I have no idea. I believe her to be broken, and I don't know if she'll ever recover from this. The rape, prison, the beatings…me."

"Why you, Elliot?"

"I left her; our partnership. I didn't warn her, I just abandoned her. I ignored her when she called and I know I hurt her by doing that." Elliot swiped at the stray tear that fell out of nowhere.

"You're here for her now." Grace pulled off the highway and began navigating her way toward the governor's office.

"Have you ever looked into the eyes of a child and seen no soul?" Elliot's words were sharp and they caused Grace's breath to hitch slightly at the comparison Elliot was referring to.

"Is that what you see when you look into her eyes, Elliot?" Grace's hand on Elliot's arm forced him to look her in the eyes. "I've got to tell you, I don't see that. I see life in there. She's alive and she's still fighting. She needs you. Here's you're chance to make it up to her."

Elliot began to get out of the car when Grace did, only to be directed to get back in. "I don't need your career and your jacket to come into play when I try to convince the governor to pardon Olivia." Grace was relieved when Elliot seemed to understand. "There are a lot of gray areas in law enforcement, especially with the SVU unit. Olivia has been a victim from conception, but she chose to fight for and protect victims instead. That has got to account for something."

Elliot watched as Grace walked away from him. He didn't know this woman, he hadn't ever even heard of her the whole time he was with SVU. He didn't care so long as she was able to get Olivia out of prison and back home where she belonged. He would take it from there. He owed her that much at least.

Olivia practiced taking deeper and deeper breaths, only letting up when the pain threatened her every being. She opened her eyes to see Alex reading files she had obviously had in her briefcase. "Alex." Olivia flinched at the sound of her own voice, barely recognizing it.

"How are you feeling?" Alex immediately put the files away so that Olivia had her undivided attention.

"Not so good, but I guess that's good right? Means I'm still alive."

"That's one way to look at it." Alex moved in close knowing Olivia was having a hard time breathing and talking.

"Sara." Olivia breathed out one name hoping Alex would understand.

Alex turned and picked up the file she had just put down. She opened up the file showing Olivia the picture of the teenager that was taken from the home the day they were called to the scene of her mother's death.

"I recognized the eyes. Never forget her eyes." Olivia closed hers then and she felt the tears begin to slide out slowly as she put it all together. Sara had recognized her and had then looked out for her. It was because of Sara that Olivia was still alive. "Did she make it?"

"Yes." Alex was pleased that Olivia had remembered on her own. "She killed the officer that was attacking you. She's looking at murder one on top of everything else at this point."

"Please Alex. Help her." Olivia began to cough, but fought against it. It hurt entirely too much to rattle her body.

"I will do what I can, Olivia." Alex smiled hoping Olivia would try to relax.

"What about Mel? Brie?" Olivia knew Brie didn't make it, but she hoped Mel managed to survive.

" I can find out. What's the last names?" Alex pulled a pen from her briefcase, waiting on Olivia to answer.

"I don't know." the defeat was clear in Olivia's voice. "Christina, not Mel. She went by Mel because it sounded tougher.

"What did you go by?" Alex tried to lighten the mood and was pleased to see Olivia attempt a smile. She motioned for Alex to move in closer so that she could reveal her tough prison name.

"Benson." Olivia smiled as Alex shook her head at her friend's confession.

"Yeah, Benson has always been a tough name." Alex laughed as she moved away from Olivia's bed. "I'll be back in a bit. Get some rest…Princess."


	23. Chapter 23

Fighting To Survive Chapter 23

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Elliot Stabler could be as patient as necessary, but patience wouldn't come easily to him as he sat alone in Grace's cold, quiet car. He questioned the importance of him coming along if his presence wouldn't be required inside; if he wouldn't be needed to fight for his partner in person. Grace could've gotten to know Olivia through him in Olivia's apartment last night. Instead here he sat, waiting, wondering, hoping…helpless.

Over twelve years they had been partnered. Over twelve years they had fought against rapists, molesters and monsters. Together they had experienced some of the worst New York had to offer and seen images neither of them would ever forget. Together they served, protected and defeated. When they won, they won together. When they lost, they often suffered alone. Olivia was suffering alone right now, having lost in the worst way and there was nothing Elliot could do about it but wait. So he waited and he wondered.

What would happen if Grace was able to get Olivia pardoned? What did that mean for her, her career, her health? What if Grace wasn't able to help his partner, how would she continue to survive her personal hell and that of Taconic Correctional Facility? Elliot rubbed his face with his hands as he even wondered what either outcome meant for him. His career was all but over, his marriage decidedly over and his friendship with Olivia in jeopardy due to his actions. He was here for her now, now that it possibly was too late. She was there for him all along and he refused her. He opted to suffer alone when she wanted to be there to help him. Now it would be up to her to decide if she would let him in to help her or if she would chose to suffer alone.

Elliot opened his eyes at the sound of heels clicking against the pavement. He tried to decipher Grace's expression as she quickly approached and entered the car. She glanced at Elliot with an almost surprised look to see that he was sitting in the same exact position she had left him in. "You doing alright?"

"Don't know yet." Elliot glanced at his watch for the first time since Grace had left him alone with his thoughts. Two hours had passed and Elliot needed to know something, anything. "What now?"

"We wait." Grace started the car and proceeded to back out of the space content with her answer.

Elliot stared at the attractive woman and wondered how long exactly it would take to strangle her to death if he chose such an action. Patience was not a virtue; at least not one of his right about now. "How long?" The heat seemed to fill the car with Elliot's tone alone.

"Until we get an answer." Grace knew Elliot wanted more, but all they could do now was wait. "As soon as her story gets to the governor, I'm sure I'll hear something."

"You didn't even talk to the governor? What the hell have you been doing for two hours?" Elliot glared at Grace with a look he usually reserved for when he knew he had to maintain.

"Everything I can to get Olivia pardoned. That is why we came after all." Grace countered Elliot with a gentle retort that seemed to produce the result she was hoping for. "Elliot, I grew up with the governor's assistant, practically family."

Elliot raised an eyebrow, suddenly wondering if Olivia stood a chance at all at a possible sentence reduction. "So, now it's about who knows who? Who owes who?"

"Actually it's about getting Olivia the help she needs. She won't get it at Taconic; she doesn't belong there." Grace stole quick glances at Elliot as she drove. "I'm nobody in this war to save your partner, but I know who is somebody. Trust me."

Elliot couldn't help but to trust Grace. She truly was Olivia's lifeline.

Olivia hated hospitals but given the alternative, she tried to relax as much as possible. She had no idea how much time had passed since she was taken out of the prison, morphine playing a major factor in her inability to keep track of time. She was thankful for the opportunity to escape her reality, even if for only short periods of time.

Olivia turned at the faint knock at the door, cringing at the sight of her captain as he slowly entered her room. Her thoughts went immediately to the heated conversation they had at the precinct before she was sent home and then to the brief few minutes with him in her apartment after her attack. "Captain, why are you here?"

"I'm not entirely sure." Don Cragen wasn't there as her captain.

Cragen's familiar voice was filled with an apprehension that was unfamiliar to Olivia as she carefully watched him approach her bedside. She hated that he couldn't look her in the eye, his gaze refusing to meet hers. "I'm sorry, Don."

The defeated, vulnerable tone in Olivia's voice was enough to demand Cragen's full attention and he cringed openly as he took in the appearance of his detective. "I am too, Liv."

Olivia fought the tears that threatened, knowing Cragen was struggling himself. The normally self assured Captain was nervous in her presence and that bothered her terribly. "Are these really necessary?" Olivia looked down at the cuffs that bound her to the bed.

"Procedure." Cragen shrugged as he answered the question he knew was only meant to ease the tension.

"Procedure." Olivia sighed as she closed her eyes against the pain that simple breathing caused. "Procedure wouldn't allow you in here."

"Sometimes it really is about who you know…and then who you owe." Cragen ran his hand over the top of his head as he looked around the room to avoid looking at Olivia's obvious injuries. "Liv, you'll be segregated when they send you back to Taconic. We really don't have a choice now."

"No, I can't." Olivia forced her voice to project and was relieved when Cragen instantly looked her in the eyes. "I can't do this alone. Don, please don't let them put me by myself. I won't make it. I won't survive." Olivia's last words faded but the pleading in her eyes bore strong into Cragen's heart.

"It's for your own safety."

"No." Olivia whispered already realizing she didn't have a choice nor an argument. She knew she needed to be with people, living alone within her own head would be fatal to her soul.

"It's a done decision." Cragen hated how broken Olivia was. He worried about her having to physically fight for survival and wondered about her will to mentally fight. "I believe you can do this. You can survive this."

"I'm tired, Don. So tired." Olivia's statement held a double meaning and Cragen lightly touched Olivia's arm before turning to leave. She refused to watch him leave knowing she didn't have a choice when it came to her person. Richard Morris took her choices away initially, but she gave her right to make choices for herself away when she opted to kill rather than cuff him.

Olivia Benson was tired; tired in a way she had never been before. She was defeated and broken in such a way that surviving wasn't an option or even a desire. She just wanted it to end. Living was killing her and she just wanted to sleep until it was over. She needed it to be over.

Olivia wasn't sure if she was happy or not to see Alex Cabot make her way into her room a few days later. Alex always had a look about her that Olivia had learned over the years. She gave nothing away via expression or posture and if she had something to share she would in her own time. Olivia tossed aside the magazine she was trying to read in favor of the company of her good friend. She waited patiently as Alex took a seat and stared at her.

"I listened to the 9-1-1 call." Olivia's blank stare told Alex what she had assumed. Olivia had no recollection of making that call. "I don't agree with Trevor's decision to forgo a trial. I think we could've done better by you by fighting."

"Maybe." Olivia was thrilled to be able to breathe a bit better each day and found herself refusing her timed doses of pain medication. "I was looking at murder one. Loose, loose."

"You told the operator you killed a man before you actually did." The questioning expression on Alex's face compelled Olivia to look for an answer she didn't have.

"Well, good thing we didn't try to fight then." Olivia watched Alex as she took in her words. "We would've lost."

"Maybe." Alex took the same approach as Olivia did just moments earlier. "You could've won and be out there getting the help you need."

Olivia had no words to explain the helpless feeling that was quickly becoming her norm. She watched as Alex pulled a file from her briefcase. "Did you find out about Mel?"

"Christina Wells, age 35 did survive." Alex watched as relief flooded Olivia's face at the mention. "Brianna McDaniel, age 34 did not." Olivia nodded at the confirmation of what she already knew. "Sara Esteban, age 22, survived."

Olivia closed her eyes, allowing herself to visualize the young woman with the eyes. "Are you going to be able to help her?"

"She'll do some time in solitary for her involvement, but as far as the murder charge, I'm not sure, Liv." Alex knew it was important to Olivia that she help Sara.

"Olivia, you're being released in the morning. You'll be segregated so I doubt you'll meet up with Christina, or Sara for that matter." Alex hated how her words added to Olivia's grief, truly wishing she could perform a miracle and help her escape her hell.

Elliot woke to the sunlight streaming into Olivia's bedroom as well as a light knocking on her front door. It was after eight in the morning and Elliot realized as he pulled on pants that he had slept soundly for the first time in months. Spending the evening down at the bar with Charlie helped his cause he knew, but it was nice not to dream of his partner for a change. It was nice to be able to sleep without seeing her face, feeling her pain and realizing with each passing day how unlikely it would be that she would be freed.

He had called Grace everyday since their trip to see the governor. He was impressed with the compassion Grace afforded him, despite his relentless harassing. He swung open the door when he realized that it was her standing on the other side. It was her eyes that made him realized he hadn't finished dressing as she failed from taking in his chest as he stood before her.

"Come in." Elliot turned to grab a shirt as Grace made her way into Olivia's home. He didn't ask as he pulled his tshirt from the night before over his head, but he knew she was here with their answer.

"Rough night?" Grace gave nothing away despite the intense way Elliot studied her for a hint.

"Rough year."

"I heard back from my friend last night. I tried to get a hold of you, but you were otherwise occupied." Grace spoke without judgment and Elliot was thankful for understanding nature.

"And?"

Grace pulled an envelope from her purse, taking in Elliot's nervous posture as she prepared to hand it to him. He took the envelope from Grace and opened it slowly knowing Olivia's fate was about to be revealed. He instantly fell to his knees, refusing to move or make a sound even with Grace's voice surrounding him.

Grace knelt down next to Elliot, letting her arm wrap around him lightly. "She will need you now more than ever, do you understand that?"

"You did it. I cannot believe you did it." Elliot had prayed for Olivia's release, but he truly doubted she stood a chance with a pardon. He was wrong.

"She's being transported back to Taconic this morning." Grace encouraged Elliot to get to his feet. "I think she would love to see you."

"Thank you. I really don't know how to thank you." Elliot returned the papers to the envelope and held it out to Grace.

Grace shook her head, offering a smile that said seeing Olivia out of custody would be all the thanks she needed. "You give them to her."

Elliot followed Grace out of Olivia's apartment. They would need to make record time upstate if they were going to catch Olivia before she was returned to Taconic. Her release would be effective immediately although she would have to be officially discharged from the prison system.

Grace left Elliot to his thoughts as she drove. She knew this was only the beginning of Olivia's recovery, but at least she would have a chance to begin that process now. She could tell by the look on Elliot's face that he knew how hard the road ahead of them was going to be. Olivia had endured so much in the last month or so, in the last year or so and throughout her career and life. Grace would help her in any way she could, but the reality was it was up to Olivia to continue to fight. Grace and Elliot had fought for her freedom, now it would be up to Olivia to fight for her survival.


	24. Chapter 24

Fighting To Survive Chapter 24

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

"Olivia Benson. Number 200894." Olivia watched as the officer read her name from a clipboard, then carefully checked it against her I D tag. Her hands were cuffed at her waist instead of behind her back and Olivia found herself thinking about how much better this way was. She shook her head as she realized she actually had a preferable position in which to be handcuffed.

She was headed back to Taconic; back to prison. As much as Olivia was dreading being alone, she realized it may just be what she needed. Her body needed time to heal and being separated from the other inmates might just serve as a blessing; at least for a little while. She had never hurt so bad and for so long. She would give anything to simply take a deep breath without her body screaming at her. Her leg was casted, yet the pain was very much present as Olivia settled into the wheelchair provided.

Hurry up and wait seemed to be the norm although it was hard to tell whether it was the hospital or the prison holding things up. She didn't much care, her status was the same whether she were here or back at the prison. She held her breath against the pain in her leg only to then realize it in her chest. Pain medication was issued sparingly and Olivia had long since quit asking for it. This was her reality and it served her well to igore any hope of emerging from her sentence with any piece of mind at all. Two years may as well be twenty as far as she was concerned. With any luck, her lungs would fail her and she would die in her sleep. Surely, a painless death could be afforded her, given all she had done in her career as a SVU detective. Surely, somebody could let her catch a break. Olivia closed her eyes as she waited; there was no telling how long she would be in holding, waiting on her transport back to her hell.

The pages over the intercom seemed to fade in and out until Olivia could no longer hear them. She could feel her body start to lean and she wondered if she would have it in her to straighten herself out. She seemed so tired suddenly and she didn't fight it. She was sure she would be awoken when they needed to move her, until then she let her mind go knowing she may only have a few minutes. She had no say in the basic of movements it seemed and she tried to will her mind to ignore the pain her body insisted on alerting her to. She could just let go now, that would be just fine. It wouldn't be her fault that she joined her mother. Her mother couldn't compare although she knew she would. She could hear her mother's voice and she was so close. She ignored her mother's familiar scent which consisted of whatever liquor suited her that day. This was not how she dreamed she would see her mother again.

"I told you to leave that sex unit. This was bound to happen." Olivia cringed against her mother's tone. It was familiar and she could only shake her head in agreement. "It is only fitting, I suppose. Born of a rape, died from a rape."

Olivia felt her body jerk suddenly as she fielded her mother's words. "I didn't die from the rape. You didn't die from your rape."

"We did, darling. You don't see it yet, but you will. Always needed convincing, even as a small child."

"You died from your drinking, not your rape." Olivia felt herself move back just out of reach. It was instinctual; habit. "I died from the fight, it's not the same."

"Ah, I died from my fight as well. Fought it for years. I didn't win and neither will you." Olivia shuddered as her mother's laugh was haunting and she found herself wondering if she ever really loved her at all. She wondered that very thing her whole childhood, and she now felt like that same child.

"I don't really want to win. I've done all I can." Olivia could feel the tears begin to fall as she looked deep into her mother's eyes. "You were right, Mother. I was bound to be a victim eventually and I was."

"It shouldn't have happened. He had no right. Your father had no right. There is no way to punish such an act so you punish yourself. I punished myself; I punished you."

Olivia could hear the shame now in her mother's voice and it was enough to make her want to hold the older woman. She noticed her mother would move back when Olivia moved towards her. "I tried to make you proud. I never made you proud, did I? I fought against the very thing that defined me. The very reason for my being."

"No, darling. You served your time. I punished you for what your father did to me. You didn't deserve to be treated in such a manner, yet you withstood my anger, my frustration, my denial." Olivia watched as her mother smiled at her, it was rare sight and she was sure to take it in. "Rape doesn't define you, it ruins you."

Olivia hung her head as she listened to her mother's words. She felt ruined. She felt broken, hopeless. "It doesn't have to."

"Is that what you've told all those women? All those young girls? That their lives weren't over just because some sick bastard took what wasn't his to take?" And the laugh again. "Not so sure now, are you sweetheart. Now that you're on the other side."

"I can survive my rape, just don't know if I want to survive my life." Olivia felt angry as she spit her words out hoping to sting her mother. "You survived your rape, Mother. You chose not to survive your life."

"What are you going to choose to do? You got him. You'll never wonder where he is. You'll never worry he is coming back for you. Doesn't matter, baby. He will always be in your head. You will see him when you close your eyes. You will see him when you dream. You will see him everywhere."

Olivia glared at her mother wishing she could just be her mother for once. Just hold her and let her cry. Maybe even tell her everything will be okay even though that was so far from the truth. Richard would always be in her head, she knew this to be true.

"Like I said, Olivia. Rape ruins you and you my love are ruined just like I was. Full circle. It's over now."

Olivia watched as her mother walked away from her. She wanted her to come back, despite how harsh her words so often were to her. She had hoped one day her mother would be able to look at her and not see her rapist. That one day she would be able to see her for the strong, police officer she became and not the product of such hate. Maybe one day when she didn't feel so hopeless. Maybe one day her mother would forgive her for being born.

"Olivia?" Olivia jumped as she turned quickly to face the voice that was now demanding her attention. It was a soft voice, very much unlike that of her mother's and for that reason alone she searched for a face. She had to know who that voice belonged to for she wanted, needed to hear it again. "Olivia, can you hear me?"

Olivia opened her eyes, wanting desperately to rub them to clear her vision. She was instantly reminded of her predicament as bending over to bring her face to her hands proved impossible due to her injuries. She tried to focus and quickly became agitated.

"Relax, Olivia." Grace placed her hand on Olivia's thigh, just above the cast before reaching for her hand. She knelt beside her and waited until she was sure Olivia was fully with her. Grace knew Olivia was dreaming and spent quite a few minutes trying to decide when and how to wake her. "You okay?"

Olivia shook her head, curious as to why Grace was there in front of her. She was afraid to ask for fear Grace would leave and she wanted to hear her voice again. It was comforting and right now, Olivia craved comfort.

"Olivia, I have some good news." Grace's smile was enough to pique Olivia's interest, although she was guarded against such a statement. "Actually, we have some good news."

Olivia watched as Grace stood to her full height and stepped aside. Elliot immediately knelt down next to Olivia's wheelchair, careful to keep enough distance as to not crowd her. His training and compassion as a SVU detective would always be part of who he was.

"El?" The fear in Olivia's eyes caused Elliot to immediately look to Grace.

"It's okay, he's been cleared. He can be here." Grace seemed to know exactly what was going through Olivia's mind and for that Elliot was grateful.

"What's going on?" Olivia looked from Elliot to Grace and back to Elliot again. He was nervous, she could tell. Olivia could always tell when her partner was nervous, that was when she had to be that much more sure. It worked both ways and that is something that made them who they were.

Elliot slowly reached for Olivia's hand and was only slightly surprised at how cold her skin felt. He quickly covered it with his own in an attempt to warm her, as if with that simple gesture he could heal her. He held up the paperwork in his other hand and watched as Olivia once again looked toward Grace.

"Liv." Elliot's voice was so familiar and Olivia fought against closing her eyes to savor it. "You're not going back. You're not going back to prison."

The confusion that crossed Olivia's features caused Elliot to shift his position. He now looked to Grace with a slightly panicked expression. "Olivia, you have been granted a pardon. You are no longer a prisoner of the state."

"Hey!" Elliot's take charge voice pulled Olivia's eyes from Grace as she tried to comprehend what was happening. "Get these cuffs off her now!" She watched Elliot as he demanded the officers comply with his wishes. She then watched him turn angry when they refused his command.

"She has to be officially released from the prison. There are rules, sir." The arrogant tone of the young officer did nothing but to further agitate Elliot and Olivia wanted to reach out to him. To simply lay her hand on his arm just to let him know to let it go. She couldn't. She couldn't because of the cuffs.

"Grace?" Olivia's voice sounded foreign as she waited until Grace knelt back down to her level. "It's over?"

Grace's pained expression was enough to cause Olivia to look away before the soft voice drew her back. "It's not over, Olivia. You have quite a bit of healing to do, physically, emotionally, mentally. You are not going back to prison, that part is indeed over."

"How? I shot him. I killed him. I..."

"Olivia, the governor granted you a pardon. That's all we need right now." Grace looked into Olivia's eyes and knew this woman still had a long way to go. "Elliot and I will meet you at Taconic. They will process you out and we'll go from there."

Olivia glanced over at Elliot who continued to argue with the superior officer officially in charge of Olivia's transport. She wanted to smile at the fight in him, but could only wince against the pain and the dizzyness she was now experiencing. She wondered if she were still dreaming or if her reality had just changed. "El." Olivia whispered her partner's name knowing he would never hear her over his futile attempts. He wanted the cuffs removed and he wasn't going to give up.

"Quite the hothead, huh?" Grace paid careful attention to Olivia as she continued to process all that was happening.

"You have no idea." Olivia actually allowed herself to smile as she watched him. She had missed him terribly. She missed them as partners. Now she had no idea what they were to one another.

The ride back to Taconic Correctional seemed to take forever. The restraints seemed to tighten around Olivia's wrists on their own as they neared the prison yard. She wondered if she would ever get this place out of her head. Her time here was relatively short, but brutal nonetheless. The officers were not gentle as they pushed her into the prison, almost as if they were angry. Maybe they were angry.

Olivia followed the directions hurled at her carefully for fear somehow her new status would be revoked. She watched as the officer removed her cuffs from her wrists and waist and with that she felt almost human again. She instantly rubbed each writst with her opposite hand as she was being ordered to sign for her personal belongings. Olivia stared at the sealed bag, having no clue what was in there. She tried but couldn't remember what she was wearing when arrested. She refused the bag and signed to the fact she didn't want her belongings. It was only then that she realized she wouldn't have a change of clothes to leave in. It didn't matter. She couldn't stand the though of putting on the clothing from that night.

And now she waited. Hurry up and wait, of course. The smell of Taconic surely would take some time to forget, the sounds as well. The faces of the women she crossed paths with. Mel, Brie, Sally, Sara. What would become of them. Olivia could only assume they'd survive, she could only wish Brie had.

Her thoughts went to Sara and how she helped her. She thought about the young woman as a child and wondered if she had failed her somehow. She couldn't help but remember how Sara hugged her neck as she removed her from her home, promising things would be okay. She couldn't erase the way Sara watched her constantly during her time at Taconic. Sara knew immediately who Olivia was and Olivia was sure Sara was the reason she was alive right now. She wouldn't forget the sounds, sights and smells of prison anytime soon. She hadn't and wouldn't forget the eyes of a souless child. She had looked into many a child's eyes and seen no soul. Those eyes could be haunting, as they stared you down, pleading for help. Warning of danger. Hoping for tomorrow. Olivia wouldn't forget Sara. She hadn't and she wouldn't.

Elliot stood just outside the gate and waited until Olivia was escorted out. He was thankful for Grace as she seemed to think of everything. The prison wheelchair was not allowed past the gate and Olivia did her best to get to her feet. Grace had a wheelchair ready and had managed to talk the officer into allowing Elliot in to help transfer Olivia. He shoved the offered crutches aside knowing Olivia would prefer them but would never be able to hold her weight; at least not yet.

Olivia waited until Elliot placed his hands on either side of the wheelchair offereing himself to her.

It was when her arms went around his neck that he stood, allowing Olivia to do the same. It was sudden and unexpected, the sobs that began to wrack her broken body then as Olivia took in her former partner's familiar scent. Elliot gently let his arms encircle her waist, hating how thin she seemed.

"Today." The annoying voice of the impatient officer gained him the Stabler glare that had been missing for too long.

Olivia let Elliot gently help her into the new wheelchair and instantly missed his presence when he took his positon behind to push. Grace walked along side the two former detectives, thankful for the pardon but wishing she could do more. Niether of these two officers deserved the pain, grief and suffering that they had endured, together and separately.

Once settled into the backseat of Grace's car, Olivia couldn't help but feel exhausted. Her body was angry at the constant movement and she tried to keep her eyes open. "Where are we going?"

"Where would you like to go? You must be hungry." Grace smiled despite recognizing the fatigue that plagued Olivia.

"El, could you drive?" Olivia asked Elliot but her eyes begged Grace. She needed as much familiar as possible. Grace seemed to pick up on just that as she climbed in beside Olivia. Elliot took his position behind the wheel and adjusted the mirror to his height. His eyes caught Olivia's and the shared silent conversation allowed Olivia to then gently lay her head back against the seat.

Elliot started the car and headed back towards the city. He didn't know where to go but figured they had a bit of drive before that became important. He stole glances at this partner as he drove. He noticed how she struggled against sleep, almost fearful of not being conscious. It was when he saw her eyes closed completely that he shifted the mirror to look at Grace. That woman truly was an angel. She was amazing and Elliot wondered if her parents knew this when they named her.


	25. Chapter 25

Fighting To Survive Chapter 25

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Captain Donald Cragen had a look about him after so many years on the job. He had a look that Charlie recognized even if he wasn't a familiar face and when he nodded his request, Charlie obliged. Don didn't want to enter a bar and he surely didn't want to order a drink, despite his mind tormenting him to do just that. It didn't take long to find his detective sitting alone at a back table, seemingly keeping count of the drinks he had put away since hitting the clock earlier that day. He took a seat across from Nick Amarro but didn't address him until Charlie arrived with the drink that was ordered upon arrival. Don smiled at his club soda before looking up to see the relief cross Nick's face. Don Cragen was an alcoholic yes, he was also a good man who was doing the best he could for himself and his people. Tonight, his newest detective needed him and he would do the best he could by him.

"Don't know why I don't just order a coke or something." Don used the little straw to stir his drink. "This stuff really taste like crap."

Nick looked up, but only briefly at his captain's admission. He then looked to the glasses to his right and couldn't help but feel guilty. He downed the rest of his drink before motioning for Charlie and then looked his commanding officer in the eyes. "I didn't ask you to come. I didn't ask you for anything."

"You didn't follow procedure. You want a transfer you ask for it. You want to resign, you go through proper channels." Don produced the neatly typed resignation letter Nick had left on his desk earlier that day. "Until then, you're still in my charge."

Nick leaned back in his chair and gave Don a grin that surprised the older man just a little. "I'm not so sure this is protocol either, sir."

"Probably isn't. Especially not for an alcoholic like myself." Don slid his drink toward Nick. "Here, try it. At this rate, won't be long you'll be on this stuff too."

Nick laughed softely at the older man, refusing his offer. His eyes thanked Charlie as his drink was quickly replaced. "Chuck there is on the ball tonight."

"Talk to me, son. Tell me what's going on." Don watched as Nick struggled with his words. His emotions as liquid as what he was consuming at the moment.

"I can't do this, sir. I got to leave the unit. I'm not cut out for this." Nick's defeated tone matched his posture as he waited a few seconds before looking up for Don's reaction.

"Olivia's first year was tough as well. Made a lot of mistakes. Elliot was tough on her though, wouldn't let her give up. There's no crying in the SVU." Don kept his eyes on Nick as he spoke. "She was green, spring green but she hardened where she had to, kept perspective otherwise."

"Yes sir." Nick was careful not to be rude. "I'm not talking about Olivia though. I can't do this. I don't want to do this."

"Tell me something, son." Don stopped to take a drink of his club soda, braved the face that followed and continued. "You were in a groove with Olivia. Closing rates were good, chemistry solid and all in all holding your own. What changed? So you get a new partner. It's rare to have the same partner for too long, especially in the SVU."

Nick stared Don down before stalling with his drink. He was in a groove with Olivia. He did feel like he was making a difference, however small that difference may have been. He didn't want to do this without her, the realization was clear as day to him and obviously to Captain Cragen as well. "I can't get her out of my head, you know? So broken, so...hurt."

"I know. I was there." Cragen waited patiently for Nick to continue.

"How could this happen to her? Of all people, how could Olivia be a victim like this?" Nick sat back angrily in his chair almost daring Don to answer and when he didn't the anger only mounted. "How could Langen not fight for her? Why didn't we protect her from the hell hole she was sent to? Is this how the NYPD takes care of their own? I don't want it. I don't want any part of it."

Don gave Nick a few minutes to settle down before addressing his questions. "I thought we weren't talking about Olivia? You want out of the unit, that's fine. It takes a certain kind of detective to last any amount of time in SVU. If you want out Amarro, you ask out for the right reasons."

"I was her partner. I should've known she was having trouble. I should've realized something was off by the way she was acting. How can I do a job like this if I have no instinct. I can't even read my partner." Nick had a loose tongue due to the alcohol and although it was important for him to talk, Cragen knew he would soon be done for the night.

"You can't know everything about your partner. She had a personal life outside the job, don't you?" Cragen looked Nick squarely in the eyes. "You worked with your partner to stop the monsters and save the victims. You did this while keeping your partner alive. I'd say you're cut out just right for this job."

Cragen threw down a few bills onto the table as he stood. "You want out, I'll sign to it. In the morning, after you sleep on it."

Nick watched as Cragen spoke to Charlie before leaving. He knew he was ordering him a cab and Nick could only shake his head at how much that man had seen in his career. He knew how he cared about Olivia. Nick didn't mention he couldn't get the look Cragen wore that night out of his head either. This world was an ugly place, yet he chose to wade through it all in search of the beauty he knew to be here. He wondered if his partner would ever believe the world to be beautiful again or if she was too severely wounded. He wondered if he would ever stop thinking of her as his partner. He knew Elliot didn't and for that he was indeed grateful.

Grace had not only thought to round up a wheelchair she had reminded Elliot that Olivia would most likely need clothing as well. Olivia herself hadn't thought of that detail until Grace produced a small bag containing the clothes Elliot had grabbed before they headed out. Grace offered her help but was more than understanding as Olivia refused once they had stopped at a small cafe just outside the city. The smell of real coffee was enough to remind Olivia that she was indeed free again.

Olivia shook her head and fought back the tears when she realized Elliot had grabbed her NYPD sweatpants. She was sure he was only going for something loose fitting to account for the cast, not noticing the lettering down the side. Her body still so very sore as she emerged from the restroom where Grace was where she said she'd be.

"Feel at least a little better?" Grace had a genuinely warm smile and she didn't seem to notice Olivia's discomfort at displaying her NYPD affiliation.

Olivia nodded as she clumsily manuevered the wheelchair. "I think I'd prefer the crutches."

"Yeah, you probably would. Your body though, not so much." Grace took the handles of the chair and together they joined Elliot who was waiting for them at a table toward the back of the restaurant.

Elliot rose pulling his pocket knife from his hip pocket. He glanced at Olivia before kneeling down and efficiently cutting through the lettering of her pants. The cast was bulky and the alteration was exactly what was needed. Satisfied he had made his partner at least a little more comfortable, Elliot returned to his seat without a word. He carefully slid Olivia's coffee toward her and she knew he had ordered it right. That was something partners just knew about each other.

Grace watched Olivia closely while she picked at a small lunch. It was of no surprise that her appetite was virtually non-existent. Olivia's eyes stayed busy as she watched everything and eveyone who entered and exited the restaurant. Grace wasn't sure how much of that was simply who she was, the training, the need to be on guard at all times, aware. She suspected most of her uneasiness stemmed from all that she had just survived from Richard Morris to Taconic.

"Thank you. If I haven't already said, thank you." Olivia really looked at Grace when she spoke and the pain in her eyes was almost enough to make Grace turn away.

"You are definitely worth going to bat for. You didn't deserve this, Olivia. Any of it." Grace watched as Olivia stole glances at Elliot while he ate. He seemed to be engrossed in his own thoughts, barely saying two words the whole time they were at the restaurtant. "There's still a lot of healing to do, you know that."

Olivia shook her head before closing her eyes against the pain in her chest. Her physical healing would be tough, emotional and mental healing that much tougher. "Do you think you could check on Sara for me? I need to know that she will be okay."

"I can do that, sure." Grace smiled inwardly realizing how Olivia fit the description Elliot gave of his partner on the way to the governor's office. "I need to know you will be okay. I will be here for you for as long as you need me."

Olivia forced a smile suddenly realizing they would be saying goodbye to Grace shortly. There was something about this woman that made Olivia trust her instantly. "El? You ready?"

Elliot wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to face the pain he had caused his partner by deserting her months ago. He wasn't ready to take on her pain as she dealt with what would now be her life. He wasn't ready to let her out of his sight. "Sure. Be right back."

"You two were close, there's no doubt about that. I dare say too close." Grace spoke softly as she watched Olivia's eyes follow Elliot. "He's a mess, Olivia."

"I know." Olivia's voice was barely a whisper as she turned her attention back toward Grace. "I hate to add to his troubles. I wish they never found him."

"You don't mean that, Olivia. He needs to be here with you as much as you need him here." Grace was solid in her speech and Olivia recognized the tone. "Promise me you'll call? Anytime. Day or night."

Olivia shook her head and Grace believed her. Olivia would need her and that was okay. She somehow found herself personally invested in Olivia's recovery. Langan would definitely argue her involvement, especially at this point.

Olivia stared up at her apartment once Grace had dropped her and Elliot off. She knew they could take the elevator up to her floor, but the thought was suddenly too much. Elliot spoke with Grace before she drove off and he slowly made his way back over to his former partner. "You don't want to go up there, do you?"

"El? Where did you go? After the shooting? Kathy didn't know where you were when I called." Olivia watched as the guilt and shame was instant in Elliot's eyes. "Take me there. Please?"

Elliot looked toward the sky, he had a specific way of telling time that way and when satisfied he agreed. "It's a bit of a drive. Past Queens."

Olivia didn't respond and Elliot accepted that. He left her in front of her aparatment while he went to bring his car around. Elliot wasn't sure if this was the right thing for Olivia at the moment, or him for that matter. All his years of service and all his training and experience with victims and he had no idea how to talk to Olivia right now.

Maybe he'd know when they got there.

"Kathy and I would bring the kids out here when they were younger, away from the city, the commotion, the daily ins and outs of just living, you know." Elliot knew the beach would be deserted this time of year and he suddenly wondered if solitude was what Olivia needed. Truth was he had no idea what Olivia needed right now and he doubted she did either. "You asked me where I went...after the shooting...it surprised me Kathy didn't know. Actually maybe it doesn't. She didn't really know me too well there at the end."

Olivia watched as Elliot seemed to automatically steer the car into a space that was familiar and his voice in contrast to the sounds of the beach made Olivia wonder if she knew him there at the end either. She watched him hesitate before turning the car off and proceeding to exit. It was only a few seconds before her door was opened and Elliot held his hand out to her. The temperature was dropping as the afternoon began to turn into evening, and Olivia could feel the sharp wind bite into her skin. She was already beginning to hate the site of the wheelchair, but knew her body would not allow her too much more activity; not today. Elliot draped his jacket over her shoulders before helping her sit.

"I want to show you something." Elliot again took her silence as a go ahead. The chilly weather made Olivia wrap her arms around herself as Elliot pushed the wheelchair onto the boardwalk. It wasn't long before Elliot stopped, positioning Olivia so she could see the ocean. He took a seat on the bench next to her and waited for a response.

For quite some time the former detectives said nothing, shared nothing verbal at all. Both well aware of the bond, the connection that existed despite their silence. They sat still and silent while the sounds of the water crashing onto the shore drowned out the city they left behind. Elliot stood and turned Olivia without notice so that her view was of the Manhattan skyline as the sun began to drop. It was impossible not to react to such a sight and what it meant to the both of them.

"Why, Elliot? I would have been there for you. I wanted to be there for you." Olivia voiced what she had wanted to know for months now if only Elliot would've returned her calls.

Elliot then turned her again to face the ocean. "If you watch the waves long enough, you can time them. Know when they will crash against the sand, know for certain how long it will take before the next arrives and then leaves again. If you let it, the water becomes an ally in your fight...kind of like backup." Elliot smiled briefly realizing Olivia was dividing her attention between the scene in front of her and what Elliot was saying.

"The sights, smells, sounds, all make sense. Then you turn and see where you came from, why you're here and nothing makes sense." Elliot reached for Olivia's hand then and was pleased when she allowed him to grasp it. "Our fight no longer made sense to me, Liv. I didn't know what we were fighting for anymore. We were risking our lives and I didn't know what for."

Olivia let her eyes scan the water as the sun gave them less and less light. The city lights behind them were becoming brighter and brighter, making the scene Elliot described harder and harder to see. "I thought you trusted me, El."

"It wasn't about trust. I wanted out and had to go then. I killed a kid. There was no amount of head shrinking that would make that okay. You weren't ready and I wasn't ready to leave you."

"But you did." Olivia's voice cracked as she spoke and she suddenly was grateful that the sunlight was now completely gone and natural darkness surrounded them. "And you left your family."

"I had to figure out who I was." Elliot's words came with a tone that admitted his actions were wrong.

"And you figured that out here?"

"Not yet, but if you listen long enough in the dark, the answers are there." Elliot believed what he said and Olivia tried to comprehend what her partner had been going through, alone, his choice.

"Is this where Alex found you?"

"Actually it was your partner that found me...detective you know..." Elliot tried to lighten the mood just a bit. "In a bar."

"Ah." Olivia closed her eyes at the irony. "Find any answers there?"

"I could ask you the same, partner." Elliot got to his feet and began to push the wheelchair back down the boardwalk towards his car. "Where do you want to go now?"

"Home. Just take me home." Olivia wanted to be angry. How dare he just desert her. How dare he judge her for her increased drinking. How dare he bring her into his world like this. There was something different about the sounds of the ocean in the darkness. Something soothing, yet stimulating. Elliot was talking in circles, or at least she was hearing him that way.

The ride back to the city was done in mostly silence. There was so much uncertainty in front of both of them that neither wanted to address any of it. Olivia listened to the waves that kept replaying in her mind and she wondered if it would be something that would help her at all. She wondered if there were any answers for her right now. It seemed Elliot still hadn't found what he was looking for. She felt guilty for interrupting his search, for needing him, wanting him to come back so badly. She thought about telling him to go, leave her be and return to whatever he was hoping to find. He chose to leave her before, surely she could make that decision now.

"I'm not leaving you, Benson." Elliot could tell his words startled her from her thoughts and he could tell by her expression he was right about what those thoughts were.


	26. Chapter 26

Fighting to Survive Chapter 26

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

There was a certain comfort that enveloped Olivia as she rode alongside her partner. Her former partner. Elliot. So many years of riding shotgun on chases. So many years reading profiles while he navigated the streets of the city without a map. She knew him. Knew when he would chance the yellow light, knew when he was likely to take a corner too tight and knew how far in advance he would begin to break. Her body knew his driving habits, therefore making riding with him comfortable. Being with him was comfortable despite the unspoken resentment that came from his absence. Despite the way he consciously made the effort to treat her like his partner, but couldn't control the guilt and pity that leaked from his eyes when he looked at her. She caught it every time and he knew it. She was observant in that way. Trained to read people, taught to react and defend. It was who she was; who they are.

Getting herself into the wheelchair that Elliot set down next to the car was an effort. Olivia refused Elliot's help; independence always a source of pride for her. He waited for her to admit defeat when the effort caused enough physical exhaustion that she had no choice. Elliot pushed her and her wheelchair into the elevator that would lead to her floor. He knew she always preferred the stairs; she knew she didn't have much of a choice. He noticed, even if she didn't, the shift in her breathing as the elevator doors opened.

"We don't have to go in." Elliot could sense Olivia's apprehension and called her on it.

"This is my home, El. I'm good." Olivia tried to take a deep breath to help ease her body from the slight shaking that started as soon as they approached her apartment door. Her body still too sore to breathe the way she wanted; needed. Olivia tried to remember when she was taken out of her apartment but grew increasingly frustrated when she couldn't. She couldn't remember if she was taken down the stairs or in the elevator.

Elliot unlocked the door and proceeded to push Olivia into her apartment. He could feel her shaking through the handles of her wheelchair and suddenly doubted his decision to hang onto her apartment for her. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do. Maybe this was the last place Olivia needed to be so soon after being released. He watched as she looked around the apartment with a confused look on her face.

Olivia scanned every inch of her living room, noticing that nothing had been replaced or removed. She glanced toward Elliot when her mind wanted to take her back to the struggle she had with Richard. The fight right here that had started this horrific nightmare for her. Olivia could feel her lungs as they fought against her. She could hear his words as they echoed in her head. She could feel his hands as they were only beginning his assault on her. Her eyes found Elliot's hands before closing in an attempt to block out the memories that so suddenly flooded her.

He was nervous, Elliot was as he rubbed his hands together slowly waiting for her to say something; anything. He watched as his partner worked to control the tornado inside her head. His first thought was to get her out of here, but he knew she needed to make that call. She hadn't been able to make decisions for herself lately and he would and could at least give her that back.

Olivia used every ounce of strength she had to lift herself from the wheelchair and onto her couch. Her leg throbbed with the movement as did the rest of her body. It was impossible to hide her pain and frustration, yet she attempted to anyway.

"El, why would you stay here? You didn't have to save this place for me." Olivia leaned her head back against the back of the couch and worked to keep her eyes open. Exhaustion was threatening to take her and she doubted she would win this particular fight either.

"You said it yourself, Liv. This is your home." Elliot sat down next to her on the couch, not too close as he wasn't quite sure where Olivia was with everything; with him.

The sound of Elliot's voice was comforting as was his presence. Olivia actually felt relaxed enough to let herself begin to drift off. She opened her eyes every few seconds, finding Elliot's immediately. "You don't have to stay, Elliot. I'll be fine."

"I have no doubt you'll be fine." Elliot had never seen his partner so broken; defeated. "I have nowhere else to go right now, so I need to hang out awhile if you don't mind."

"Kathy. Your kids?" Olivia spoke without opening her eyes and Elliot waited for a few seconds to see if she hadn't fallen asleep.

"I told you, I'm not leaving you." Elliot watched Olivia sleep for a few minutes. It was anything but peaceful, for either of them. He wondered when the last time Olivia was actually able to sleep without fighting. He took in the bruises along her face. They were fading, but what she had gone through was never more clear. He let his fingers lightly skim hers, carefully avoiding her swollen hand. He knew how powerful her right was and could only wonder how often she had to use it while at Taconic.

Olivia jumped at even the light contact, her eyes ready to fight even if her body wasn't. "El? Sorry. I'm just so tired."

"Here, lie down." Elliot gently helped her stretch out on the couch. "Get some rest, Liv. I'll be here."

Olivia tried to hear his voice over the pain that was loud in her head. She wondered if she would ever not feel some kind of pain. "El?"

Elliot knelt down beside Olivia and waited. He figured she had drifted off again and began to stand. He was suddenly brought back down to her level when her voice pulled him in. "You had to shoot her, El. She had lost it and you had to stop her. Nobody blames you."

The apartment was silent except for the slight background noise of the city below them. Quiet except for the temporary even breathing from Olivia as she let her body and mind relax enough to sleep. Still except for the tears that slowly made their way down Elliot's face as he watched his partner sleep.

Alex Cabot looked up at the light knocking on her office door. She knew Grace had gone with Elliot to bring Olivia home but was surprised nonetheless to see her. "Come in."

Grace nodded and smiled as she watched Alex remove her glasses. Alex Cabot had to be one of the toughest prosecutors around, yet she had a warmth about her that wasn't always easily seen. Grace had heard Trevor Langan refer to her as Ice often and could only shake her head at the comment. It was getting late and Alex was more than ready to call it a day, but took a seat behind her desk, encouraging Grace to sit as well.

"I just wanted to let you know that all went well today. Olivia was released and is with Elliot Stabler now." Grace watched as Alex took a few moments to really hear what Grace was saying to her.

"How is she doing?" Alex's voice lacked the power it usually had when she paced the courtroom. "I mean, how is she?"

Grace wasn't sure exactly how Olivia was doing. She knew there was a lot of healing needed, both physically and emotionally. "Might be too early to say. She's been through an incredible amount of trauma."

Alex only nodded, before looking away to stare at nothing in particular on the wall.

Grace waited a few seconds before continuing. "She seems worried about Elliot. All the things that woman has been through and she's worried about her former partner."

"Doesn't surprise me. Benson and Stabler were very co-dependent. They were close; maybe too close." Alex studied Grace as she spoke. "Some partners are actually closer than married couples."

Grace chose not to respond to Alex's comments, despite agreeing with each word. "I promised Olivia I'd look into the situation with Sara Esteban. She wants to know if there's anything we can do to help her."

Alex let out a long sigh before carefully choosing her words. "She killed a corrections officer. I don't know if there's much that can be done for her."

Grace quickly became agitated. "She saved Olivia's life, doesn't that count for something?"

"Of course, it just may not be enough to spring her." Alex pushed her seat back and stood, smoothing out her skirt as she did so. "What's Olivia wanting us to do?"

"Help her." Grace stood as well realizing Alex was done with the conversation. "She just wants us to help her."

Alex smiled at Grace before putting her glasses back on. "I'll be in touch."

Grace knew Alex was close with Olivia. She also knew Alex was hesitant to promise anything to Olivia right now for fear of disappointing her friend. Sara Esteban saved Olivia's life and Grace Ann Mills was somehow going to make sure that young lady was somehow rewarded for doing just that.

Elliot had waited more than an hour before deciding to go lie down. He felt guilty having Olivia sleep on the couch but wasn't sure exactly what she wanted or needed to do at this point. She seemed to be peaceful as she hadn't moved at all since drifting off. Elliot left the lights on and retired to his bed in her bedroom. He let the even sounds of Olivia's breathing comfort him as he tried to relax; tried to find some solace in the fact that she was home and not in prison.

The anxiousness Olivia displayed about even entering her own apartment caused Elliot to second guess his decision to bring her home. He was unsure how to talk to her, how to touch her or how to simply be with her. She was the one with the most direct contact with the victims when they would investigate cases involving rape. She was the one who seemed to be a natural when it came to earning the trust of even the most wounded women they came into contact with. He so often followed her lead when it came to the victims and now he felt as if he was flying solo. He didn't have his partner to help him with this victim. His partner was the victim and he knew that was as much on her mind as it was his.

Elliot startled awake at the sound of dishes being stacked in the kitchen. The sound of glass hitting glass made him move faster as he entered the kitchen to see Olivia pulling dishes out of the cupboard. He watched for a few seconds until she sensed his presence. It may have surprised him that she was so aware of her surroundings but then she relied on her instincts, maybe even more as of late.

"El, I'm sorry. Couldn't sleep."

"What are you doing?" Elliot made sure to not enter the kitchen until she seemed receptive to him.

"Just looking for something." Olivia began to replace the dishes at a faster pace than she had unloaded.

Elliot let out a long breath before taking a few steps toward her. He kept his eyes on Olivia, noticing how she did he same. He slowly reached up above her to the higher cabinet retrieving what he assumed she was looking for. He set the bottle down on the counter and watched Olivia as she refused to look at him. "It was here already. I just put it away for when you came home."

Olivia let her eyes meet Elliot's again as she adjusted herself on her crutches. "You couldn't have known I'd be home so soon. Hell, you didn't know I'd be home at all."

"Maybe I did know." Elliot offered his hand when Olivia's balance wavered. She took it, but only briefly. "Otherwise it would've just aged."

Olivia picked up the bottle and seemed to study it before taking a long pull on it. Elliot watched silently as she closed her eyes disguising the burn. He also watched as she tried to disguise the tears that appeared when she opened them. "My mother drank herself to death. She was drunk when she died."

"I know." Elliot just watched, unsure what she needed or wanted.

"I understand better now." Olivia took another drink before clumsily setting the bottle down. She slowly carried herself back out to the living room. The crutches caused her ribs to scream at her, but being confined to a wheelchair was humiliating; defeating.

"Doesn't have to be that way for you." Elliot followed her wishing she would chose to sit down. He was nervous for her as he watched her enduring pain to maintain balance.

Olivia smiled then which surprised Elliot. "She told me this would happen. She told me if I didn't leave the unit this would happen. And it did."

"Has nothing to do with the unit, Liv. You know that." Elliot kept his voice low in hopes she would continue to talk.

Olivia closed her eyes, keeping them closed for a long few seconds. This time the tears streamed down her face when she opened them. She looked around the living room as if trying to process a crime scene. Her eyes watched Elliot as he slowly moved out of her line of vision. "He took my gun outside the door." Olivia's voice was almost whispered. "You never let them take your weapon."

Elliot took the same amount of steps as Olivia did in the same direction as to not interfere. "He was your boyfriend, you trusted him."

"I was drunk, El. Never saw him coming." Olivia's voice was sharp before her tone once again fell. "We fought here in the living room, I hit him, I think."

Elliot watched wondering if this was at all good for her, but decided Olivia had to feel safe to work through it all. He was determined to be that safety net for her; it was the least he could do. He noticed her breathing was becoming shallow and uneven. Her tears had stopped but it was obvious that she was very upset; unsettled. "Liv, you don't need to explain."

"How do you sleep in there, El?" Olivia turned toward the bedroom. "How do you sleep in there knowing what I let him do to me in there?"

Elliot's heart skipped when he heard his partner's voice shaking with her words. "You didn't let him do anything, Liv." Elliot moved closer to Olivia only to stop when she quickly looked up at him. The fear in her eyes caused him to immediately step back.

"I tried. I tried but I couldn't fight him. I couldn't do anything but allow him to rape me." Olivia started towards the bedroom then only to stop at the doorway. She held her breath in an attempt to stop the violent shaking that threatened her balance. Her eyes scanned the room and she closed her eyes to block out the scene. She leaned on the crutches, freeing her hand to cover her ears as she heard Richard's voice in her head. He was close, too close as she could then hear her screams. She must've screamed as he viciously attacked her. She could hear herself now, but wasn't sure if she even tried then.

"Olivia!" Elliot was quickly behind her as Olivia began to collapse when the crutches slammed onto the floor. He took her sharp elbow to the face, shaking it off knowing she was only reacting out of instinct and fear.

"No! No, no, no." Olivia ignored the pain that was her entire body in her attempt to get away from Elliot.

Elliot backed away as quickly as possible, torn between wanting to hold her to calm her and to get as far from her as needed. His heart broke as he watched Olivia succumb to her memories, her pain and her fear. She cried, she screamed, she pleaded. This was definitely not the right place to bring her home to; at least not so soon.

Olivia pulled herself up to her feet, crying out as she attempted to walk on her broken leg. She pushed out of her bedroom, collapsing against the hallway wall. Her eyes were empty, as she stared at Elliot.

"I want to help you, Liv. I just don't know what you need." Elliot kept his distance despite wanting to take her in his arms and shield her from anyone or anything that has or would ever hurt her. He kept his eyes on hers, wondering if she even recognized where she was or who he was. He didn't notice at first the tears that had soaked his own face. Then he didn't care.

"Liv? Talk to me." Elliot pleaded with his partner, praying she would see him. She stared at him, but it was clear she wasn't seeing him. Elliot turned away and headed into the bedroom, returning with his phone. He sat down next to Olivia, noticing how she didn't flinch, didn't respond, didn't move.

It had been almost an hour that Elliot had sat next to Olivia. The silence was torture but he refused to leave her. She didn't speak, so neither did he. She didn't move and neither did he until he heard the soft knocking on the front door. Elliot glanced at Olivia before getting to his feet. She didn't respond to him moving either and couldn't remember ever feeling so relieved to know his help had arrived.

Grace offered a slight smile as Elliot opened the door. He stepped aside without a word, allowing Grace to enter and find her way to where Olivia had collapsed.

"Olivia?" Grace's voice was an instant stimuli, causing Olivia to close then reopen her eyes in an attempt to focus on her. "It's okay. It'll be okay."

Olivia looked past Grace, almost panicking as she called for Elliot. Grace took both of Olivia's hands in her own, demanding she focus on her.

"Olivia, let's get out of here. We'll go someplace where you can relax. Where you can breathe." Grace let Olivia flex her grip on her hands while she tried to comprehend what she was saying to her. "Trust me. Do you trust me, Olivia?"

Olivia stared into Grace's eyes before slowly shaking her head. Grace took the wheelchair from Elliot before suggesting he back away. Elliot would do whatever Grace told him to. He knew his partner, but he had no clue as to how to help her.

Elliot took the paper that Grace handed him with an address. He then stood in the middle of the living room while Grace pushed a still unresponsive Olivia out of the apartment. He scanned the apartment before heading into the kitchen. He slammed his fists down onto the counter, reaching for the bottle of whiskey Olivia had left there before it slid off. He decided to finish the bottle before he left. He couldn't disguise the burn. He didn't even try.


	27. Chapter 27

Fighting to Survive Chapter 27

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Elliot turned off the car and sat silently still in his car. How many times had he come here to Bellevue. A case. A victim. How many times had he come here with Olivia for a case or a victim. How could it be he was here this time because of Olivia; for her. He stared ahead out the windshield of his car at nothing in particular but seeing everything. He wondered if he would ever not do that. If his mind would ever let him just be without thinking, worrying and wishing.

There was no rush to get inside. He doubted he would be able to see her anyway, at least not for a while. It was important for him to be here and he found himself wondering if she would somehow know if he wasn't. It didn't much matter to him, he wanted to be where she was; wherever that was.

Elliot could feel the whiskey settling in the pit of his stomach as his mind replayed the last scene with Olivia in her apartment. He had never seen Olivia break like she did. He had seen her upset. He had seen her cry. He had even seen her broken, but he had never seen her break and Elliot couldn't get the scene out of his head. He had never felt so helpless, so clueless. So worthless.

"I'm Detective Elliot Stabler and this is my partner Detective Benson." Elliot spoke the words to nobody and listened as his voice bounced around inside his car. It hadn't been that long ago that he had last said those words in any kind of professional capacity but yet it seemed like forever ago. He was no longer a detective, nor was she. His choice, not hers.

How Elliot wished Olivia wouldn't have killed Richard Morris. How he wish she hadn't endured what she had, but he wished she would've left him living. Then Elliot would have a way to release the anger that burned him. The fire that threatened to burn his soul. He was angry. He was beyond angry. He felt defeated right along with his partner. His partner was no longer his partner but a victim. An inmate. And now a patient. Elliot hated the animals and the monsters that the two of them removed from the city during the course of their careers, but what he felt for Richard Morris went beyond hate. This unrecognizable feeling scared him.

Elliot slammed his fists repeatedly on the steering wheel as he screamed profanities. His words went unheard but the pain he felt in his hands felt good. That was a recognizable feeling, one he was familiar with anyway. Elliot used his throbbing hands to swipe at the tears that came from nowhere. He hated that he had no control over his emotions. He hated that he left her the way he did. He hated that she was hurt the way she was. He hated Richard Morris.

"Everything alright in there?" Elliot rolled the window down to address the officer who was tapping lightly with his baton. When had it started raining? Elliot hadn't noticed.

"Yes, sir. Elliot Stabler. Special Victims Unit out of the one-six." Elliot produced a shield less identification jacket only to put it away quickly at the officer's confused expression. The officer offered a slight grin as he seemed to recognized the former detective or maybe it was just the name. Either way, Elliot was relieved and used the interruption to force himself from the car. The rain seemed to pick up and Elliot couldn't help but smile at the irony. He waved to the officer as he looked up at the building.

Elliot stood in the rain, his body refusing to propel him forward. Refusing to take him in to where he knew she was. Olivia wasn't crazy. She was traumatized, hurt, broken. Never crazy. He knew she was fully with the program when she put a bullet into Richard's head. He knew she had thought it through despite the ordeal that had proceeded her actions. She knew she would go to prison. She knew she would most likely die there. He knew she didn't care. Elliot could only wonder if she cared now. She had cared enough to fight for her survival while in prison, while in the hospital. Now, now he wasn't so sure. There was no fight in Olivia's eyes as he sat with her in her hallway. He would have to fight for her. He would have to fight for the both of them.

"Detective Amarro, Tutuola." Nick presented his badge to the guard that was assigned to Sara Esteban's room. "I trust you were briefed that we were coming and that we would need to speak with Miss Esteban...alone."

"She's an inmate accused of murdering a corrections officer. I don't leave." Amarro crossed his arms at the guard's reaction. He then watched as Fin slammed the guard face first into the closed door to the room.

"How about a ding in your jacket for obstruction." Fin began cuffing the officer more for emphasis than out of necessity. "We good?"

Nick smiled at the humbled officer before stepping around him and entering the room. "Hate it when he feels he needs to pull rank like that."

Sara Esteban barely responded to the commotion outside her hospital room door, only glancing briefly at Nick as he slowly approached her bedside. She let her eyes drop to the badge and identification he held out for her to see and then looked back to the wall she had been studying.

"Sara? I'm Nick Amarro, a detective from the sixteenth precinct. Can we talk to you?"

Fin studied Sara as he too approached to stand beside Nick. The young woman looked like she had been to hell and back with the bruising that covered nearly every inch of her face. Her eyes grabbed hold of Fin's and he noted the haunting way she stared.

"We want to help you. Want to know what exactly went down during the riot." Nick paused, glancing at Fin who held the woman's gaze. "The parts that aren't recorded, documented."

Sara shifted her gaze to Nick, staring him down before answering. "Help me? I killed an officer. There's no help for me."

"Might be." Fin's voice pulled Sara's attention away from Nick. "We want to know what happened from you. What you got to say."

"Doesn't matter." Sara's voice was barely above a whisper as she turned away from the two detectives.

Nick moved around to the other side of the bed, pulling up a chair so he was more at Sara's level. He lowered his voice, knowing Sara would have to concentrate to hear what he had to say. "Detective Benson asked that we find a way to help you. She remembers you, Sara. She knows what you did for her...with that guard."

Sara made no move to respond or even acknowledge she had heard a word Nick said. She just stared through him, wondering how long before they would leave. Nick shifted in his chair, moving even closer to the wounded woman. He glanced up at Fin who gave a slight nod. "Sara, we've watched the videos. The cameras only gave us so much, we need more."

"Is she gonna be okay?"

"Hope so, Sara. She's not doing so good right now." Nick watched Sara beginning to respond. "Having a hard time, much like you. Same guard."

"She knows who I am?" Sara glanced at Fin, then back to Nick. "She didn't say."

"She couldn't. Understand?" Fin was able to soften his voice enough to gain Sara's trust as well.

Sara closed her eyes as a wave of pain coarsed through her body. The men waited patiently, turning away as the young woman worked through her discomfort. "She's a cop in prison, yeah, I understand."

"Not too fond of cops, are you?" Fin caught the edge in Sara's voice, quickly glancing at Nick to see if he caught it too.

"Really? You would ask me that? Look at me." Sara coughed as she fought her emotions.

"Yet you helped Benson. Talk to me, Sara. Why would you do that." Nick tried to work off her emotion.

"Harvey was fucking her up. I mean, like bad. She was going to kill her. I did what anybody else would do." Sara downplayed her role wondering how much of her history they already knew.

"Nah, nobody would do that. You know that, not in there." Nick moved in close. "You saved her life."

"She actually saved mine first. I thought you said you saw video. I just repayed the favor." Sara winced as she tried to sit up. "Now I'm going down for life."

"Maybe not, Sara." Fin fielded her doubtful look. "Talk to us. Tell us about Harvey. Tell us about what went down with Olivia. Let us help you."

Sara stared at the ceiling for a long few minutes. "What happened to her?"

Nick stalled wondering how much to say. Fin knew to be straight up. "She was raped. Beaten. Killed him."

"A cop gets raped, kills her rapist and gets prison time. That's how you all take care of your own." Sara shook her head. "She's hollow you know. Can see it in her eyes."

"What do you mean?" Nick wasn't sure he wanted to hear what she would say next, but knew how important it was that Sara talked.

Sara smiled then, surprising both detectives. Nick glanced at the I.V realizing that her thoughts and memory of what happened could be a bit clouded due to her injuries and the pain medication being administered. "It's like living within a dream. There's truth, but no logic. Understand, Detective?"

Fin stared at Sara. "Yeah, I get ya. Go on."

Sara turned her full attention to Nick then. It became clear to her that Fin was hearing what she wasn't saying, but Nick...not so much. "Dreams aren't always beautiful people with perfect lives. Sometimes they're more about monsters, animals even. Makes no sense sometimes what we dream about but somehow you believe what you dream. You believe it long enough, reality sets in. Then you are what you dream. It defines you, becomes your reality."

"What's you're reality, Sara?" Nick was floored by the insight this young, seemingly lost woman had just shared with them.

"You're looking at it. Don't believe in fairy tales, Detective. Not so sure I ever did." Sara looked back toward Fin then before continuing. "Detective Benson's eyes were empty. No soul. No hope."

Nick stared at Sara. He guessed she was in her early twenties. He hadn't gotten much information about Olivia's involvement with Sara other than she had been a child victim of a case her and Stabler had back in their early years as partners. Nick hadn't spent much time in the SVU unit but he caught on quickly how impacted the victims often were. How affected the detectives often got. "That's where we come in. Olivia has hope for you, always has."

Sara smiled at Nick. "Can't survive on hope. I mean, I hope she is okay, but she's only alive because she was willing to fight. Once that fight is gone, you just exist. Until you don't."

Fin shook his head at the bruised and beaten woman. Olivia had to be close to a rookie when she met her. Fin couldn't remember her at all and if he could it would undoubtedly be by her eyes. Sara Esteban had the most beautiful yet haunting eyes he had ever seen on a woman and he couldn't pull away when she locked him in her stare. "Is that what you're doing? Existing?"

"What would you call it? Taconic isn't exactly the Ritz, Detective." Sara had a hard edge to her and Nick could only wonder how long she had been down. She couldn't be much older than a legal adult. "I play the game, live the life I have. Hell, I'm living the dream."

Nick couldn't help but smile at the way Sara delivered her lines. He watched her hit the button to dispense more pain meds. He was pretty sure there was only a limited amount available to her and she had exceeded that a while ago. "Do you remember Detective Benson? She handled a situation in your home when you were a child. Yes?"

"Yes, I remember her. She saved my life back then. Only I didn't know it, I was just a kid." Sara's eyes stared through Nick now as she talked. "She carried me out into the night. It was dark. I was afraid of the dark, I remember."

Nick and Fin exchanged glances. Neither wanting to interrupt for fear Sara wouldn't continue. After a long pause she did only to finish. "You have to fight to survive in this world. My world is just a little darker than hers, but it was then and is now the same world."

"Are you willing to fight, Sara?" Nick couldn't help but feel for this woman.

"I got nothing to fight for. I fought for Olivia because her eyes are kind. I remember her eyes being kind when she saved me as a kid." Sara fought to keep her edge. "I recognized Detective Benson when she came in. I knew she was in a bad way. You have to keep your eyes open, all the time in there. Makes it hard to hide. Her eyes were hollow. Until she recognized who I was."

Nick gently picked up Sara's hand as he watched her lose her battle to the few tears that leaked from her eyes. "What happened when she recognized you. Can you tell me?"

"I stayed away from her. They would kill her if they knew she was a cop. I couldn't risk that." Sara hit the button again for pain. "She came to me when he was...when the guard was...I felt her hands on me, just for a minute. She pulled me away from him. She stopped him from killing me."

"Sara, what happened next?" Fin fielded the dirty look from Nick then as Sara seemed to snap out of her memory.

"I don't know. I couldn't see anything. Everything hurt and I couldn't breathe."

"You do know. I know you do. Remember, you can't hide when you have to keep your eyes open. Let us help you. Let Olivia help you again. Tell me." Nick had a soft side to him that appealed to Sara. Nick may have not been with the SVU too long, but he was intuitive in his own right. He felt how Sara wanted to trust him, wanted to help Olivia, needed to have something to hope for.

"I looked back and Harvey was there. She wasn't the guard that attacked me but she was there when I looked up. She had her stick against Olivia's throat. You can't breathe when they do that. You don't move because you just cant." Sara stared into Nick's eyes. He gave her a slight nod. "Olivia wasn't fighting any more but Harvey kept hitting her. Kicking her. She was going to kill her, I know it."

"Sara, you attacked Harvey to save Olivia. We know this. How did you? You were injured yourself, Harvey is so much bigger. There was another guard there." Nick looked deep into Sara's eyes as he pleaded with her to save herself now.

"I thought you said there were cameras." Sara looked to Fin who had since let Nick lead the conversation.

Nick demanded her attention again. "There were, but we told you. We couldn't see everything. How did you kill Officer Harvey?"

"She had put her stick on the ground and by Olivia's legs so she could use both hands to choke her out. I crawled over to her and grabbed the stick. I choked her out with her own fucking stick." Sara smiled then unnerving Nick just a bit. "Sally layed out the other guard, the one that was beating me."

Nick shook his head from side to side. "Sara, you have numerous broken ribs. You can barely see out of your eye now, let alone then. You're so small compared to Harvey. You didn't kill her did you?"

"Got to fight to survive. I wasn't dead yet. Neither was Olivia." Sara sat up forcing herself not to react to the pain. "I felt safe when she came to help me. I hadn't felt safe like that since I was six years old. Nothing short of death would stop me from trying to help that woman."

Fin turned off the recorder Sara didn't know he had. The realization that her words had been recorded hadn't bothered her it seemed. "Thank you, Sara."

Nick stood to follow Fin to the door, glancing back at the broken woman who had impacted him in the short time he spent with her.

"Detective Amarro? Is Olivia going to be okay?" Nick noticed the hope that flashed in Sara's empty, hollow eyes.

"I don't know. Depends if she wants to fight anymore. Do you, Sara? Want to fight anymore?" Nick's accent a thick blend of New York toughness and gentle SVU compassion.

Sara didn't answer, just turned her face away as the silent tears streamed down her face.

Elliot shivered against the cold air as he entered the building. He wiped the rain from his face, thankful for the disguise it provided against his emotions. He knew the way, all too well and found his feet carrying his reluctant body to the elevator. He knew he was expected and he knew better than to expect to see Olivia.

Alex Cabot stood at his approach and the look they shared seemed to cover everything they each wanted to say to each other but didn't want to voice. "Grace called me, asked me to be here."

"Why? I doubt we can get in to see her." Elliot's voice was rough and the emotion was not lost on Alex.

"No, but she knew you'd be here, wanting to see her." Alex's voice matched Elliot as they both had a closer than colleague connection to Olivia and it pained them both to be here for her, like this.

Elliot's raised eyebrow made Alex smile briefly. In some way he was the same Stabler they all knew, in others he had been forever changed by the events that changed them all. He turned to sit in the intentionally uncomfortable chairs that lined the wall in the small waiting room. They didn't want people waiting around here, the wait was often too long and Elliot worked to ignore that reality. He didn't acknowledge when Alex sat beside him although he was thankful for her presence.

"What happened? Elliot?" Alex was filled in as to why Olivia was brought to Bellevue, but she knew Elliot always knew more. He was good at giving a statement, but Alex knew he was better at telling the facts. Especially when it pertained to his partner.

"You want Detective Stabler's statement, counselor?" Elliot's smile instantly calmed Alex and that in turned calmed him.

Alex appreciated the attempt, but she knew Elliot knew what she was asking him.

"It was too soon to come home. Home to her home. Maybe she shouldn't go back there again. I don't know, Alex." Elliot wiped his face with his hand, before taking in a deep breath. "She lost it. I don't know how else to describe it. She lost it and I couldn't help her. There was nothing I could do, Alex."

Elliot jerked at the contact Alex offered, only to then pull her to him. Alex Cabot frustrated the hell out of him as their ADA throughout their years together in the unit, but she got the job done. Together they fought the same war day in and day out. Often winning, sometimes losing. Neither knew how to win this war but they both knew they were going to fight it nonetheless.


	28. Chapter 28

Fighting to Survive Chapter 28

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Elliot let his head fall back against the wall as he felt his body sink into the hard plastic of the small chair provided. His eyes hurt, whether open or closed and his mind worked to deny the headache that was forming just above his brow. He was tired, exhausted even, yet he found his body to be restless, anxious. Even sitting where he was, Elliot struggled to wrap his head around all that had happened. It was a nightmare. A nightmare that he simply couldn't wake up from. He heard the soft voices as doctors and nurses made their way in and out of the ward. He counted footsteps when he sensed anybody near. He wouldn't open his eyes until somebody was there to talk to him. Until somebody had something to tell him about Olivia.

He listened to the sound of hard heels colliding against the hard hospital floor. It never surprised him, but still amazed him how much stronger one's other senses were when without one. Of course, Elliot could open his eyes and see who was approaching, but the effort required to do that would need to be necessary and he wasn't quite sure yet if he wanted to put forth such an effort. The sound of the approaching woman, the heels giving her away, forced Elliot to give in to curiosity if nothing else.

Grace Ann Mills had a way of looking professional every time he has seen her. It was late, Elliot had no idea how late, and Grace still looked like ten a.m. "Elliot?"

"Do you even own a pair of tennis shoes?" Elliot wondered if there would be anything he, or anybody else for that matter, could ask her that would throw her.

"Sure."

"It's like two in the morning. I'm sure I woke you when I called...or maybe not...and you chose heels?" Elliot wondered if Grace could tell he was delaying whatever it was she had to tell him. Whatever news she had about Olivia. As long as Grace was answering unnecessary, irrelevant questions he wouldn't have to hear how bad off his partner really was. Ex partner. Former partner.

"It's more like five in the morning and yes, I chose heels. I like the added height." Grace waited until Elliot looked up, surprised she was actually answering him. "I like to be able to look people in the eye when conversing. I find it to be a valuable strategy."

Elliot forced a grin before standing. He found he was measuring Grace's height as he stood to his own full height. "What's going on with Olivia?" She was his height, just about.

Grace let out a heavy sigh that made Elliot cringe inwardly. He was suddenly sorry he asked and the look Grace gave him said she felt the same way. "Olivia is in bad shape, Elliot. She is broken."

"Broken. What do you mean broken?" Anger laced Elliot's voice and he took a deep breath to stay in control.

"I mean mind, body and soul. She's been through hell. Her desire to survive is virtually non-existent at this point." Grace watched Elliot as he flexed the tiny muscles in his jaw. He had looked away from Grace as she explained, but now his heavy blue eyes focused on the woman who had just told him his partner, his Olivia was done.

"I want to talk to her. I can get her to fight. She'll fight for me, I know she will. She..."

"Elliot, they gave her sedatives to put her out. She's heavily medicated right now and won't even know you're there." Grace reached out, gently placing her hand on Elliot's forearm. "Her body needs time to heal, she's in so much pain and her mind is so heavy that she can't relax enough to heal. Understand?"

Elliot barely shook his head.

"She'll be out for at least two, maybe three days. Her body needs a rest. A break. She needs a break." Grace gently pulled Elliot's arm to get him to look at her. "There's no need for you to be here."

"I'm not going to just leave her. I need to be here, you know, when she wakes up." Elliot turned to resume his position in the chair he had already grown to hate.

"It will be days, Elliot. She will need you when she does wake you know. She will need you strong, rested and ready to help her. She's got a long road ahead of her. This is just the first step." Grace's voice never changed tone despite Elliot's emotions.

"So, what am I supposed to do in the meantime?" Elliot's tone pulled at Grace's emotions, yet still she stood tall in front of the defeated former detective.

Grace sat down next to Elliot, nudging him with her shoulder. "You could shave. I admit it's a good look for you, but you look uncomfortable."

Elliot hadn't realized how he continuously scratched at the nearly full beard that was a result of the last few days of not caring about anything but Olivia. He smiled at Grace, grateful for the attempt to lighten the heaviness that made it hard to even swallow.

"Why don't you try to sleep some. Olivia will be sleeping for days, maybe you try as well. It'll do you both so much good." Grace felt as if she was getting through to Elliot and was pleased when he nodded in agreement. "I'll call you if there is any change or anything you need to be aware of."

Elliot trusted Grace. He trusted her enough to leave her standing in the small waiting room where they really didn't want anybody waiting. If they wanted anybody there, the chairs would've been more comfortable. Something told Elliot that Grace wouldn't be hanging out in the waiting room for long. Something told him that she would be keeping close tabs on Olivia and he appreciated that woman more than she would ever know.

Captain Don Cragen entered his office at the one-six before anybody else had arrived. There were a few officers roaming around, but the quiet squad room only reminded him that he could've slept at least another two hours. If only he slept at all these days. Power naps only resulted when his body had had enough and forced him to sleep. Even then, a couple of hours were the max. Maybe tonight would be different. Maybe today would be different. He doubted it.

The desk lamp gave off just enough light to allow Don to read the reports left from his detectives the night before. He read the words, but knew he would wait at least another hour before he really comprehended them. He seemed to have to force his thoughts from Olivia's status, cursing himself for even wanting to see her signature on the DD5's that stared back at him. He knew her signature and knew he wouldn't miss it if she had signed any one of those reports in front of him. He wouldn't miss it because none of the reports were signed by her. He missed her and her signature.

Don looked out into the squad room; he often did despite knowing she wouldn't be at her desk. She wasn't, but he was. Don leaned back in his chair, allowing a few moments to watch Elliot as he sat in the dark at Olivia's desk. He didn't wonder how Elliot managed to get in, especially at such an early hour; Elliot had his ways despite his current status. Don smiled as he stood and headed toward the door leading into the quiet bull pen.

"Stabler, my office." Don was still smiling as he returned to have a seat behind his desk.

Elliot leaned up against the doorjamb, waiting for the quick nod from Cragen inviting him in. Elliot took a seat across from his former captain. He knew he wouldn't have to fill Cragen in on how his night had been. He knew Cragen was kept abreast of Olivia's condition. He had connections, this much Elliot knew for sure.

"You look like hell." Cragen missed Elliot and it felt comfortable, even comforting to have at least half of his favorite team sitting before him.

"Thank you, Sir."

"Want to grab some shut eye in the crib? It could be like old times. Even the mattresses still suck." Cragen tried to smile, but knew he wouldn't have to fake how he was feeling for Elliot's sake.

"I may just do that." Elliot's watched through the window as the morning detectives and officers began to make their way in. He paid close attention to Amarro as he began his morning at the coffee pot. Typical, expected. Elliot then watched as Nick took a seat behind his old desk, his old computer. He wanted to be angry, wanted to scream at the unassuming detective to get the hell out of his chair. Instead he sat quietly, wondering what made him feel the need to come here; to the one-six.

Elliot never saw Fin enter the squad room until he was knocking at Cragen's door. Fin nodded at Elliot, but neither man smiled. "What's up, man?"

"Olivia's at Bellevue. Not doing well."

"Damn." Fin walked away only to return with Amarro. "Captain, we talked to Sara Esteban yesterday. Girls got a chip, but has a soft spot for Benson."

"Okay." Cragen looked toward Amarro. "Olivia has been pardoned. Why interview Esteban?"

Amarro looked at Elliot who knew exactly why Sara had been visited. "Olivia requested that we find a way to help her. She killed that guard yes. She admits to it, but by doing that she saved Olivia. She says Harvey had every intention of killing Benson."

"Liv asked that we try to help her avoid the murder rap. Girl's short on hope, that's pretty obvious. She doesn't much care about anything or anyone." Fin also let his gaze fall onto Elliot who seemed intrigued by how many different ways his fingers could interlock with each other.

"She obviously gave a damn about Olivia." Elliot spoke without looking up.

Nick took a seat next to Elliot, looking up at Cragen almost as if for permission. "Why is that, Stabler? What is the connection? Might be something we could use to help her."

"Do I know, Amarro? She was a kid when we crossed with her. Surprising she even remembered Olivia." Elliot knew Sara would go down for the murder of the corrections officer. He knew there was no hope for the young woman who saved his partner's life.

Cragen and Amarro shared a look before Nick continued to prod Elliot. "Well, she did. She does."

Elliot rubbed his hands over his face. The fatigue and worry about Olivia was evident in his expression. "Sara Johannson was a kid, I don't know twelve or thirteen. We caught a case that involved her mother. Rape murder out in Chelsea. We closed the case, it was the boyfriend."

Fin kept his arms folded in front of him, silently watching Elliot as he looked to Cragen. Cragen was flipping though some paperwork on his desk as if looking for something in particular.

"Olivia couldn't leave this case alone, even after we closed it. Something about the girl bothered her. Once Liv believes something's up, you have to prove her wrong to get her to drop it." Cragen and Elliot shared a glance knowing how involved Olivia tended to get with the victims, especially the kids. "Came to find out, Sara's father had been raping her for years. Liv got her removed from the house, the father was arrested and charged and so the story goes."

"Damn." Nick thought back to the hollow look in Sara's eyes the whole time he talked with her. Her story was not surprising in the least, but how she had any fight left in her at all was. "What landed her at Taconic?"

"Murder." Cragen had produced the arrest report. Elliot's questioning gaze was ignored as the older man explained. "Pulled the report, per the request of one demanding ADA."

"What happened?" Elliot suddenly seemed to give a damn and was as interested as Fin and Nick.

"Wasn't a case of ours. Actually a homicide case out of the two-seven. Father was released from prison, found her and wanted...uh his daughter back. I'll leave it at that." Cragen paused before quickly finishing. "She had been in foster care, on the streets for a while. Killed him. Murder One rap."

"Let me guess, public defender, nobody cared to dig and she's just a troubled kid without hope. Prison best place for her." Nick's accent was heavy as was his heart.

"Olivia got her away from him, gave her hope. At least for a little while." Elliot's voice wasn't much louder than a whisper.

The small office was silent save the breathing of each man as their thoughts roamed. "El? Do you think Liv knew who she was? During the attack or even before?" Fin and Elliot's relationship over the years had it's ups and downs, but right now Fin looked at Elliot as if he were his partner for years.

Elliot shrugged. "Any other day, any other situation I'd say yeah. Li doesn't forget people, faces. I doubt Olivia even knew who _she_ was by that point."

"She knew who Sara was. It was obvious in the way she defended her. Saved her." Nick blurted out what he believed to be true.

"How do you know, Amarro?" Elliot's irritation with Olivia's partner was quickly growing into anger. "You didn't know her. You didn't see her. Her head...heart...she wasn't Liv."

"I was first on scene, Elliot. I saw how broken Olivia was. How hurt, wounded. Don't tell me I don't know what condition she was in." Nick had gotten to his feet, only to sit again at Cragen's direction.

"What's the point." Elliot was angry and didn't care that he couldn't hide it. "Liv is out, Sara is done and life goes on. SVU at it's finest."

"Elliot, have you watched the tapes? We have footage of at least some of the riot at the prison. Olivia's attack was captured on film. It's clear." Amarro had lowered his voice, realizing how high the tension was between the two of them.

"I don't need to watch the film. Why would I want to see that?"

"Maybe you watch it. You can see Olivia had fight left in her. Olivia had fight left in her for that woman. She knew who she was and she was determined to help her. It's all there." Nick stood and left the office, slamming the door shut behind him.

Elliot glared after the first year SVU detective. Narcotics, homicide, or any other division was nothing like SVU. Junior would learn that soon enough.

"Elliot, Liv needs somebody to fight for right now. Grace says she's shutting down and doesn't know if she will even try to help herself at this point." Cragen's voice took on a fatherly tone and pleased him that it was not lost on Elliot, or Fin for that matter.

Elliot stared at his hands again, letting his mind absorb what was being said. Finally he looked up, not ashamed at the tears that threatened. "So, if Liv feels she is needed by Sara, she will do everything and anything to help her. Including help herself."

"Grace seems to think so. I don't know. Liv has been through hell, El. I know this, you know this." Cragen played devil's advocate, but a small part of him wondered just how much Olivia Benson had left for anybody, including herself.

"We can't help Sara. That'll kill Liv." Elliot threw out a statement he believed to be true, but hoped Cragen thought differently.

"There's no risk here. No gamble." Cragen came around to the front of the desk and sat down on it, closer to Elliot. "If we don't try, Sara goes back to maximum, extended sentence, on top of life without parole. No worse."

"Extenuating circumstances keeps her at life, no parole." Elliot mumbled.

"Olivia will heal physically, mentally is anybody's guess, including hers." Cragen watched Elliot as he cringed at the facts. Just the facts.

Elliot stood, nodding at Fin as forced himself out of his former captain's office. He actually found himself looking forward to the thin, uncomfortable mattresses of the crib. His body wanted to rest, he wanted his mind to forget. He knew one wouldn't happen, wondered about the other. He had no interest at all in watching the tapes of Olivia's attack. Nick said she had fight in her when it came to Sara. Didn't surprise him. Elliot believed Olivia would fight for Sara no matter her age. She had fought so hard for her as a child and he believed she would fight for her time and time again.

Elliot let his body sink in the mattress of a bottom bunk. He smiled as he always used to pick the same bed and his body seemed to remember this. He closed his eyes and let his lungs fill with his deep breathing. He felt close to her here. He could almost hear her voice as he drifted off. _Come on, El, we caught a break._

"I was told I'd find you here." Alex Cabot sat down at the small table directly across from Grace in the hospital cafeteria. "Don't worry, it's not decaf."

Grace smiled as she accepted the hot coffee, pushing her nearly finished cup off to the side.

Alex took a few minutes to take in the younger woman. She looked exhausted, yet still she presented herself with pure professionalism. "How long do you plan on staying."

Grace took a sip of her coffee before giving Alex an answer she wasn't sure of. "A while longer. Just want to make sure all is okay with Olivia."

"She's going to be out of it for at least a few days, right? You should go home, get some rest yourself." Alex hadn't known Grace Ann Mills well, just that she worked with Trevor Langan as his psychologist on staff. Now, she couldn't believe how much she appreciated her and her commitment to Olivia.

"I will in a bit. I just want to wait a bit to make sure she doesn't have any adverse reaction to the drugs." Grace let herself relax in Alex's presence.

"Grace, they have people on staff here to take care of all that."

"I know that, Counselor." Grace's smile was genuine and it was what prompted Alex to fill her in on the progress she and the detectives from the one-six were making with Sara Esteban.

Alex studied Grace once she finished. "Will she be able to benefit at all from all this? Can we at least get her out of this particular charge?"

"Aren't you the prosecutor? You tell me, Alex. Can we beat this murder rap. Sara was already in for murder. She killed an officer in a prison riot. Give it to me straight." Grace leaned in, holding Alex's eyes with her own. "Would you risk your winning percentage on a case like this?"

Alex's stare was enough to make Grace lean back just slightly. Alex Cabot was a formidable opponent to Trevor Langon, and it was no secret that Langon loved and hated going up against her. "I would risk my career if it meant it would help Olivia Benson."

Grace watched Alex as she left the cafeteria. That woman was amazing. She would take that as a yes. Now Grace would go get some sleep. Sara Esteban would be her next stop and she wanted to be well rested when she talked to her. Grace knew Alex wouldn't be prosecuting Sara. Wasn't her jurisdiction. However, with any luck, Langon would defend her. It would be up to Grace to convince Trevor to take her case. Langon had released Grace from his staff after she took it upon herself to go to the governor. The move wasn't unexpected and Grace had accepted her termination as professionally as would be expected of her. Alex Cabot said she would risk her career for Olivia Benson and Grace had given hers for Olivia. It was easy to give for a woman that gave so much of herself for everybody else.

Grace wasn't done fighting for Olivia. Right now it was time to fight for Sara as well.


	29. Chapter 29

Fighting to Survive Chapter 29

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Elliot didn't want to, but returned to Olivia's apartment. He trusted Grace would let him know when he could see Olivia, didn't stop him from trying her cell every few hours. Grace always answered him with the same patient tone, same frustrating words. She then suggested he work out, expel some of his frustrations, couldn't hurt. Could only help. Elliot agreed as he hung up, then let himself fall into the cushions of Olivia's couch. He fought to keep his mind off how she struggled to sleep right here on her couch, in her home. How she lost it and there was nothing he could do. How she fell broken to the floor and how there was still nothing he could do.

Grace couldn't have known, but Elliot had worked out. He spent the better part of the day in the gym at the precinct. He had no business even being on the premises, but it was Cragen who had a huge hand in whatever amenities he was afforded courtesy of the NYPD. Cragen was more than just a captain and Elliot was more than just his detective. And Olivia was more than just his partner. What had he done? Why did he shut her out like he did? She should hate him. Maybe she did.

"El, please talk to me. I'm here for you. Will always be here for you." Elliot listened to her message that he had kept on his phone. He had erased all the others, yet felt compelled to keep that one. He hadn't heard it since he originally received it and her words made his lungs feel like they were imploding within his chest.

She had wanted to be there for him. Of course she did. She was Olivia Benson. She had her hands full of blood that day as well, she could've easily been killed that day herself. Instead she tried frantically to save Sister Peg who had been gunned down just a few inches from where she stood. A little girl, that Olivia had helped, who trusted all of them to help, had lost it right there in their squad room. A little girl who would've shot Olivia despite how Liv cared about her. Elliot wondered how Olivia coped with that tragic day. He wondered because he didn't know. How could he know, he wouldn't talk to her, return her calls or check on her at all. He wondered if she bothered to try to call him the night she was attacked. He was told she called 911 as Detective Olivia Benson, had asked for Alex, but not for him. He had no missed calls from her, not that night. She knew he wouldn't answer, why would he? He had abandoned the only person that understood him completely.

Elliot sat up as he replayed her message. Hoping maybe he had missed something in her words by laying down, but knowing he would have heard the hurt in her voice regardless of his position. He set the phone down next to him on the couch and let his head fall into his hands. The guilt, anger and shame all came together at once as he watched his hands slam down onto Olivia's glass coffee table. He watched the shattered glass as it collected on the floor at his feet. The noise was deafening but only for a second as the quiet that followed forced him to take a breath. He was shaking, violently, and it was all he could do to force the air deep into his lungs. Slowly the rage receded, his heartbeat slowed and his fists opened. There wasn't too much blood, just enough to make Elliot glad that she had killed him. He only hoped that Richard Morris was conscious to see what he had coming. Elliot pulled his bloody hands up to his head. Alex said he wasn't. Alex had told Elliot that Richard was unconscious when Olivia had shot him in the head. He was unconscious because somehow Olivia had managed to hit him hard enough to knock him out. She still had fight in her then, somehow. Even after suffering God only knows how many minutes of brutal, soul-destroying hell, Olivia still fought.

Elliot stared at his phone as it taunted him. The sound of an incoming call was almost lost due to the volume of his thoughts. He answered in an all too familiar way, familiar sometimes so very necessary.

"Stabler."

It was a short call, but one that made his heart skip more than once. Olivia was awake and had asked for him specifically. He was told to come quickly as her doctors would probably refuse him later. He felt the hair on his face and wondered if he should shave. Grace had suggested he shave. It would've taken too long and Elliot didn't want to risk not being able to see Olivia. He washed his hands, poured straight alcohol over the cuts. The burning felt good, made him breathe as he tolerated the pain.

There was a specific feel as Grace presented her identification badge to the officer that stood outside Sara Esteban's room. She entered the young woman's room wondering how long she would have such access. She fielded Sara's glare before watching as the young woman turned away.

"Hi, Sara? I'm Graced Ann Mills. Can we talk a bit?" Grace made no move from where she had first entered the room. Sara needed to have some sort of control right now if she were to talk to her and Grace knew the importance of the unspoken words right off the bat. "It's up to you."

"I have nothing to say." Sara still refused to look Grace's way, her words mumbled at best.

"Okay. Do you mind if I let you know about Olivia?" Grace was patient as she watched the young woman fight the curiosity when Olivia's name was mentioned.

"I don't care." Grace took a few steps further from Sara's view and stood silently still until Sara continued. "She die or something?"

"No. She's fighting right now. Sara, will you look at me?"

It took a few moments, but Sara did finally shift her position so that she could see Grace, all of her. Grace had seen the tapes, she had watched the attack on Olivia and that of Sara. She knew how Sara fought for Olivia and how Olivia had prepared to give her life for Sara. The look in Sara's eyes was just as Stabler had described.

"I already talked to those other cops. I killed that guard, it wasn't Olivia."

"I know. I'm not here to bother you about what happened during the riot." Grace took a few steps closer to Sara, pleased that she didn't turn away. "I need your help, Sara. Olivia needs your help."

Sara's eyes narrowed as she searched Grace's. It pulled at Grace's heart as she allowed her to search her for the truth in her words. Even at such a young age, this girl was an avid reader of intentions. It was a protective strategy and Grace could appreciate it. "I can't help her."

Grace pulled up a chair so that she was closer to Sara. "What if I told you that you could?"

"Are you a lawyer?" Sara's voice was softening with every sentence and Grace knew it was up to her now to hang onto what Sara was giving.

"No. I help defense lawyers get their clients ready for trial. Help decide if they should even go to trial. Sometimes, it's better that they don't."

"Like me. I'm gonna get charged with killing that cop. No sense going to trial for that." Sara had an edge to her that appealed to Grace. She could feel that there was indeed still hope for this child that the system had failed years ago.

"Sara, you may not. There's plenty of proof that shows that you acted in defense of another inmate. With a strong defense, you may escape that charge." Grace watched as Sara processed what was being said to her.

"I'm an inmate, myself. Nobody's going to go to bat for me. It's okay, I got life already." Sara then did turn away causing Grace to reach for her arm, gently encouraging her to turn back.

"I will go to bat for you. I will find a way to help you, Sara. You just got to want it." Grace believed in what she was saying and it seemed as though Sara was receptive to her gently pleading.

"How does any of that help Olivia?" Sara searched Grace's eyes, reading her every move and expression.

"Olivia remembered you, Sara. She remembered you from when you were a kid. She asked that I find a way to help you." Grace waited for her words to register. "She knew what she was doing in that prison when she stopped the attack on you. My guess is she knew she would die then at the hands of the guards, but she didn't turn her back on you."

Sara stared Grace down, knowing there was more, but hesitating to ask.

"Olivia is struggling right now. She was brutally raped, Sara and killed her attacker. Her status as a NYPD detective and the way in which she stopped her attacker would've been scrutinized to the point of her going away for life if she lost her argument. Her lawyer opted to not go to trial for fear of losing her to a life sentence. She instead got approximately two years." Grace watched as Sara eyes hardened.

"Why wouldn't they fight for her. She didn't belong in prison. I recognized her right away, but they didn't know she was a cop. They would've though, eventually." Sara's words were rushed and the fact that she was coming to life encouraged Grace.

"Sara, Olivia has stopped fighting. I believe that no matter how bad she gets, she will not stop fighting for you. There was a bond that you shared with her as a child and now there is a bond that will always tie you to her and her to you. Understand?"

Sara slowly shook her head. "I don't know what I can do?"

"Olivia needs a reason to fight. If she knows you need her she will fight to help you. She will have to fight for herself to be able to do that. Am I making sense to you, Sara?"

"Yes, ma'am." Sara rolled over onto her back letting her eyes scan the ceiling. "Tell me what to do. Tell me what you want me to do."

"I am going to get you a lawyer. Somebody that will care about you and what you've been through. This lawyer will fight to get you out of the murder charge. I am willing to believe he will fight to get you out of Taconic at the very least." Grace watched as Sara closed her eyes, refusing to let the tears that had formed fall. "That's where Olivia comes in. You fighting for yourself, will make her fight for herself. Listen to what I'm saying to you."

Grace sat back in her chair, willing to spend as long as it took to get Sara to fully understand what she was asking of her. "Can I see her? Can I talk to her?"

"I'm sure in time, we can make that happen. Olivia is at Bellevue right now, sedated. She's got a long road to recovery ahead of her. Her body will heal, as will yours, but it's her mind that I'm concerned with. Her will." Grace let her hand take hold of Sara's, pleased that the younger woman allowed the contact.

"Do you really think they will move me out of Taconic?" Sara showed glimpses of hope and that alone made Grace smile.

"I think we can fight for at the very last a medium level prison. A little less violence, a little more freedom." Grace's smile forced Sara to offer one of her one. "You said Olivia didn't deserve to be in prison, well, Sara, neither do you."

Grace stood then, letting Sara hang onto her hand until she was ready to release it. "Will you let me know how she is doing?"

"I will. I will Sara. I will be in touch." Grace had to force herself to walk away, not wanting to leave Sara in the hands of the system. She could only to do so much and that was truly the hardest part of her job.

Elliot made his way to the nurse's station and announced who he was. It was only a matter of a few seconds before he was being escorted to Olivia's room. He couldn't get enough air into his lungs all of the sudden and couldn't help but feel relieved when the nurse asked him to wait outside for just a moment while she disappeared into Olivia's room. He looked around wondering if they were allowing something they shouldn't.

There were no words as the door opened and Elliot was motioned in. He was directed to a chair that was seemingly brought in specifically for this visit. The nurse patted his arm before leaving him alone with Olivia who hadn't seemed to notice his presence as he stood just a few feet from her bedside. Her eyes were closed and he struggled with whether or not to announce to her he was there. The decision to sit and wait was made and Elliot found it hard to look at his partner. Shame, guilt, fear. Elliot recognized them all as he worked to wipe the dried blood from his hands.

"What happened?" He looked up at her words, realizing she had never opened her eyes, yet knew he was there. Of course she knew he was there.

"Your coffee table fell...I, uh, tried to catch it." Elliot's focus was on that table and he wondered if she even really liked it. He hoped she didn't, because she no longer had it.

"El?" The pleading in her voice made Elliot's legs shake as they forced him to stand. He was suddenly reaching for her hand, alarmed at how cold it was.

"I'm here, Liv."

"Okay." Olivia had yet to open her eyes and her breathing slowed. Elliot watched her face carefully, not sure where she was as far as her consciousness. He let her fingers slowly trace his own, realizing how important this contact was for him. Hoping it was just as comforting for her.

The ugly bruising had since faded, leaving only slight reminders of how bad a beating she had taken at the hands of the prison guards. Elliot knew the bruising delivered by Richard Morris was gone as well, but the scars would remain with Olivia forever. Grace knew what she needed and made sure she got it. Olivia already looked so much better, if only she would look at him.

"Sara Johannson." Olivia opened her eyes, moving her head so that Elliot was in her full view.

"She goes by Esteban now, but yeah Liv, it's her." Elliot knew Olivia would remember her.

Olivia fought to keep her eyes open and when they closed she quickly grew agitated.

"Relax, Olivia." Elliot let his fingers skim her cheek. He used to calm his babies that way and was only slightly surprised when it worked on Olivia as well. "They'll throw me out if you get upset."

Elliot smiled when Olivia attempted one. It was obvious to him that she was still in a fair amount of pain and although the pain medication was helping it frustrated her to be so out of it. She kept her eyes closed, but let her hand move to his face. He held still while she ran her fingers over his face, and for a brief moment he wished this moment would never end.

"It's nice."

"Should I leave it?" Elliot kept his eyes closed to her touch. Olivia didn't answer. She didn't have to.

Elliot let his partner touch him. She was still his partner, it didn't matter what their titles were or weren't at this point. The silence spoke volumes to both of them in that moment and neither chose to disrupt it. Elliot opened his eyes when Olivia's fingers stopped moving. She was out again and that was okay.

Elliot jumped slightly when the nurse laid her hand on his shoulder. He hadn't heard her enter, he couldn't hear anything over the soft, breathing of his partner. He looked up at the older lady, his eyes asking for just a little more time. He tried to smile at the nurse as she answered in the same manner.

"How long has he been in there?" Grace had made it back to Bellevue as soon as she could knowing when Elliot was going to be called.

"Not very long. She was only awake for a few minutes." the nurse smiled at Grace, knowing she would soon go in and ask Elliot to leave. "She knew he was there. She woke up as soon as he entered the room."

"Of course, she knew. Partners share a strong bond. These two were partners for a long time." Grace watched Elliot through the window in the door.

"He really should be going now." Grace reached out and caught the nurse's arm.

"Just a few more minutes. They both need this." Grace's voice caught as she spoke and if the nurse caught it she didn't let on.

Grace took a seat in the waiting room knowing Elliot would have to pass her when he left. Things were beginning to come together. She began to work her strategy out in her head as to how to get Trevor Langan to help Sara. Maybe Alex Cabot would have better success at convincing him to take the seemingly hopeless case. No, she promised Sara she would help her. She promises Olivia she would help Sara. What's the worse Langan could do, fire her? Too late for her, but there was still a chance for Sara.

Elliot strolled out into the waiting room where he was not surprised at all to see Grace. He stood, waiting for Grace to stand as well. "Thank you."

Grace's smile said all Elliot needed to hear as he stepped around the tall blond and headed out into the parking lot. Rain. Rain again. He took his time walking to his car, letting the cool rain water soak him through his clothes. It was obvious right away to Elliot that Olivia had not called for him. She hadn't woken up until he was there. How did Grace always seem to know what both he and Olivia needed.

Elliot looked up, closing his eyes as the raindrops assaulted his face. She knew because she was an angel. Grace Ann Mills was amazing and even referring to her as Amazing Grace wasn't enough to describe this woman. She was simply an angel and Elliot accepted that as he thanked God for her.

Olivia liked his beard. She rarely got to see him with it over the years. Clean cut and shaven, professional attire. Detectives rarely got to go unkept. He would keep it until she told him to lose it. He headed back to her apartment to clean up the glass from her coffee table. He wondered if she even heard him tell her that it broke. He wondered if she even cared.


	30. Chapter 30

Fighting to Survive Chapter 30

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Grace arrived within plenty of time for her appointment with Trevor Langan. She was surprised that he agreed to see her at all given the circumstances surrounding her dismissal. This would be a hard sell, but Grace knew that Langan would be the best choice to defend Sara. She only hoped that he would hear her out and accept this case. Grace let her mind drift back to the video of the prison riot. The sheer determination of both women to survive their own attacks and then fight for the other was beyond inspiring. Olivia gave what was left of herself to defend Sara, to save her knowing she would undoubtedly pay in the worst way. And she would have, had it not been for Sara doing the same.

"Are you going to sit in the hallway all day? I got court in half an hour; you got me until then." Trevor had opened the door, but Grace hadn't noticed right away. She jumped at the sound of his voice and knew she would have to make a case for Sara quickly and hope Trevor would accept it.

Langan watched as Grace took a seat in front of his desk, she had no briefcase, no paperwork, no agenda as far as he could tell. "If you're here to ask for your job back..."

"I'm not." Grace's voice was strong despite the tone Langan was forcing on her. "I was hoping you would take Sara Esteban's case."

"Who?" Langan flipped through papers on his desk, obviously preparing for his upcoming court case.

"Sara Esteban. She's being charged with the murder of a correction's officer during the riot at Taconic."

"Ah, yes. I'm sure there is video and with a state appointed public defender, should be an open shut case for self-defense." Trevor didn't seem interested in what Grace was asking as he continued to peruse his paperwork.

"Should be, but considering her original charge of murder, I doubt she will even be looked at for self-defense." Grace watched Trevor carefully as he seemed to be very competent at multi-tasking. Grace found herself doubting her approach, but not her strategy. "You do know she only attacked that guard to stop the attack on Olivia Benson?"

"Is that what this is about?" Trevor set his papers aside, finally giving Grace his full attention. "What is it about Olivia Benson? Why is it you're willing to risk your career and now your pride for her?"

"Actually I'm here asking you to help Sara Esteban. Trevor, this girl needs help, she needs hope." Grace knew the way Langan worked, knew how he was all business, but she also knew he had a heart and she could only hope that somehow, someway she could appeal to it.

The room was silent as Trevor stared at Grace and despite the intensity of his eyes on her, she did not waver. "I believe this girl never got the defense she deserved when she was put away three years ago. Much like Olivia Benson, she is serving time as a victim, not a murderer."

"What exactly do you think I can do for her, Grace? She's already been convicted on one murder charge, correct?" Langan waited until Grace affirmed. "She's looking at another for the murder of a correction's officer and you're going to sit here and tell me she's not a murderer?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying." Grace had nothing to lose standing strong against Langan. She had nothing to lose at this point, but Sara had so much to gain. She had a chance at having a life and Grace was committed to giving her that chance.

Langan's stare was hard and Grace knew the longer he contemplated her request the better the chances were he'd help Sara. "Why me? There are plenty of defense attorneys out there, good ones that could possibly help this girl."

"I know you. I know how you work. I know that deep down you care about people. I'm asking you to care about Sara." Grace could feel her throat tightening. It hadn't occurred to her until that moment how much she cared about Sara.

"Talk to me, Grace." Trevor looked at his watch. "Fifteen minutes."

"Sara Johannson was a child victim of her rapist father. Manhattan SVU investigated a case involving the rape and murder of Sara's mother when Sara was young. Turns out, although the father wasn't the murderer, he was raping Sara. Benson and Stabler were assigned the case and it was Olivia Benson who uncovered the abuse and worked to get Sara removed from her father's house. Father served time, Sara was placed into the system until she turned eighteen." Grace paused long enough to try to read Langan and was encouraged by his silence to continue. "Lived on the streets until father was released, he found her and attempted to rape his adult daughter. She killed him during the attack, was arrested and charged with his murder. Poor defense, looks like a new young public defender, and she now lives at Taconic."

"Enter Olivia Benson." Langan looked at his watch suggesting Grace hurry.

"Sara recognized Olivia, but kept her distance. It was unknown whether or not Olivia recognized Sara before the riot. According to the video that I've seen, Olivia stopped a brutal attack on Sara by a male guard only to then be attacked herself by this same guard. It was Officer Harvey who then took over from the male guard and would have killed Olivia had it not been for Sara."

"So, you think Benson knew Sara to be that girl she helped years ago?" Langan seemed skeptical.

"Yes, I do."

"You want me to defend this inmate of the murder charge that won't affect her life sentence too much. She's serving life without possibility of parole, winning against this charge won't change that." Trevor knew Grace and how she worked. His statements were only a jumping board for Grace to explain herself further.

"I was hoping you would then look at her previous charge. She wasn't given a chance, Trevor. She really was no different than Olivia Benson and you managed to spare Olivia a life sentence." Grace watched Langan as he rubbed his face with his hands.

"And you want me to try to get her previous murder conviction overturned?" Langan's laugh did little to dissuade Grace.

"Yes, I believe she never should've been sent to prison. She's a victim, Trevor. At the very least, maybe get her moved to a level two prison. Somewhere where there's at least a little less violence."

Langan stood from his chair, collecting his papers and sliding them into his briefcase. "Why Grace? Why do you care? You no longer work for me or this department. Olivia Benson is no longer your concern. Nor is Sara Esteban. You did your job, maybe it's time to let it go."

Grace stood as well, hearing but choosing to ignore her former boss' words. "I'm asking this of you as a friend. Olivia Benson should never have spent one day in that hell, nor should have Sara. Yet they both are suffering, punished for being victims of crimes that are so soul stealing that their will to live is virtually non-existent. I want to help them both. I can't just turn off who I am because I no longer have a title. I am asking you, Trevor. Olivia Benson should have gone to trial. I would have had her ready and she could have won."

"Or she could have lost and gotten life. Two years is no time considering she executed an unconscious man." Langan's tone was purely defensive now and Grace responding accordingly.

"Is that how you saw what happened? Is that how you see Detective Benson? I think you've seen that women in action too many times to believe that is who she is." Grace headed toward the door unsure as to whether she had gotten through to Langan. "If that is how you see her, then you did good, Trevor. You did your job. If you don't, than help her. Give her a reason to survive, because right now she doesn't believe there is one."

Langan's sharp words stopped Grace from opening the door. "How does taking this case change anything for Benson?"

Grace's sigh was huge and finally the exhaustion the young woman was feeling was broadcasted. "Think about it. If you know Benson at all, then you will figure it out." Grace looked Langan in the eye as she spoke and she could see the frustration on his face.

"I'll need you. If I take this case I'll need you." Langan spoke with a seriousness that wasn't misunderstood in the least. "I'll need you to get her ready. I cannot defend somebody that won't fight with me, understand?"

Grace stared at Langan for a long few moments. "Tell me what you need me to do."

"Go, get some sleep. Be here first thing in the morning, on payroll. You truly are the best at what you do and I will need your help."

"Yes, sir." Grace closed her eyes as the relief and sudden hope merged all at once causing her to smile. She stepped aside as Langan brushed past her. He was busy, she knew this. But he was a good man, this she also knew.

Elliot returned to Bellevue first thing in the morning. He had contemplated shaving, but opted to just trim up instead. He ran his hands nervously over his jaw as he waited. Grace told him Olivia would be sedated for the better part of three days, and he figured she would be awake more today. He had hoped to appeal to the older nurse who allowed him access earlier and her shift was about to begin. Elliot knew there were rules and he knew that they were followed closely here for the patient's benefit.

After nearly an hour, Elliot had counted four different times that nurses had entered Olivia's room. His nerves were getting the best of him and he approached the nurse's station to inquire as to what was going on. "Is there any way, I can get in to see Olivia?" Elliot flashed the best smile he could produce as the younger nurse on duty took a moment to study him.

"Family?"

"Uh, well. I'm..." Elliot wasn't sure what he was to Olivia anymore. He was once listed as her next of kin and he found himself suddenly very curious if she had changed that in his absence.

"Yes? Okay, she's actually been awake for a few hours now. Let me get you in there." Elliot watched as the nurse motioned for him to sit tight for a bit longer as she headed down the hallway. She knew he wasn't family, not biological anyway. Maybe the rules here were bent when it seemed necessary to benefit the patient. Rules were nothing but standards and guidelines anyway.

Elliot's heart dropped as he walked quietly into Olivia's room. She was awake and she seemed to focus on his every move. Neither of them spoke, but the eye contact remained constant as Elliot took a seat in the chair provided.

"I needed to see you." Elliot chanced the silence and watched carefully as Olivia fielded his statement. When there was no response he continued. "I don't know what to say to you, Liv. I know you're angry at me for leaving, for not contacting you, for abandoning you."

Elliot searched Olivia's eyes as she stared at him. He wasn't sure if she was seeing him or not. He wasn't sure if she was hearing him or not. He refused to look away from her, willing to take whatever she wanted or needed to say to him. She had lost weight since that day in the squad room. She was by no means heavy then, always in shape, always in perfect shape. He knew she lost weight when stressed and by now she should be weighing next to nothing.

"I want to die, El." Elliot fielded Olivia's comment without panic, yet his heart slammed against his chest with her haunting words.

"You don't mean that." Elliot moved his chair closer to his partner's bedside. He let his fingers lightly touch her arm and when she had no reaction he moved his hand to cover hers. Still so cold. He kept his eyes trained on hers until a single tear leaked out the corner of one of them. "It's okay, Liv."

His permission gave way to a steady stream of silent tears. Elliot let her cry, encouraged her. He knew with Olivia Benson tears were not a sign of weakness, but a testament to how strong this woman really was. He waited patiently for her to finish and hoped she would talk to him. He let his hand cover hers in hopes that he could somehow warm her from the outside in.

"I am so tired. So tired of fighting, so tired of living." Olivia's voice was flat, void of her usual emotion, strength, confidence.

"We're going to get you help. There is help for you, you know that Liv." Elliot slowly moved his hand so that his finders gently wiped away the tears from her cheek. He was pleased that she didn't startle at his contact. Her face was so cold as well, yet Elliot was beginning to sweat.

"I can't go back there. I can't go back to prison. They'll kill me this time." Olivia's words were rushed and Elliot could see the panic building.

"You're not going back, Liv. It's over." It was Olivia's sudden relief that alerted Elliot to how important his words were to her right now. "I will help you get better. We'll get through this."

"My career is over." Olivia turned her head slightly so that she was looking straight into Elliot's eyes. How she loved his eyes and how how she hated the pity she saw in them now.

"Maybe. You did your time, Liv. You did your job...and then some."

"I wasn't done. Cragen suspended me, but I wasn't done. He said to take as long as I needed then I could come back." Olivia's speech was almost slurred and Elliot figured she was still considerably affected by her medication.

"Well, now you need more time. We got time. Plenty of time, Olivia." Elliot pulled his hands away as Olivia attempted to shift her position in the bed. He could see the pain that was still very much present despite her futile attempts to hide her discomfort from him. Elliot could tell, Olivia was confused; her time line out of whack.

"I wanted to help you, El. You didn't trust me to help you." Olivia closed her eyes with her words and Elliot was both thankful and relieved when he realized she had fallen asleep that fast. He didn't want her to see how her words affected him as he angrily swiped at the tears that fell from his own eyes now.

She was right, he didn't trust her to help him. And here he was now asking her to trust him. Elliot suddenly wanted to disappear. How could he have hurt his partner like that? How could he have been so selfish? He let the tears fall freely as he stared at his sleeping partner. The woman who would've given anything to just hear from him. The one person in the entire world that truly understood him. He wanted to disappear, but what he felt for her now was so much stronger than anything he had ever felt. They say partners share a bond that sometimes is stronger than that of a marriage. Sometimes even stronger than that.

Grace began the long drive up to Taconic Correctional Facility. She was relieved and also saddened at the fact that Sara had been discharged and returned to the prison. She knew she was due in to begin working on Sara's case with Trevor first thing in the morning, but the immediate pull to talk to Sara was demanding at best.

Grace waited patiently as Sara was summoned. She felt so much better being able to see and talk to Sara in an official capacity now as she knew the prison would require proper credentials. The longer she waited, the more she worried, despite knowing how long this sometimes took. There was no hurry to do anything here as everybody had nothing but time.

The sound of the door opening to the small attorney's room startled Grace. She hadn't realized how lost she was within her own head until Sara was led into the room. She watched as Sara kept her head lowered and carefully followed the guard's instructions on where and when to sit. Sara was nervous and the guard's overwhelming presence was even making Grace nervous.

"Thank you, Officer." Grace's attempt to dismiss the officer was useless. She stood then, suddenly seeing the fresh bruises on Sara's face. "There is a certain little thing called attorney-client privilege. So if you'll excuse us."

The officer stared at Sara hard before turning to walk away. Grace returned to her seat across from where where Sara sat, refusing to look up. She waited patiently, given Sara every opportunity to say something. When she didn't, Grace knew she would have to work fast if Sara was mentally going to care even to fight.

"What happened? You've only been back here a few hours." Grace's soft tone was enough to get Sara to look up, exposing her recent punishments.

"Nothing?" Sara smiled then which only offset the dark purple coloring that shaded her face.

"Nothing. Okay, Sara. I need you to talk to me." Grace shifted her stance a bit and her tone was a bit less comforting.

"I killed an officer. I'm in solitary until they decide what they're going to do with me." Sara's tone matched Grace's as she anwered as she was told.

"The bruises?"

"I didn't want to go to solitary."

Grace stared at the young woman who seemed to accept her fate. "Sara, I promised you I would fight for you and I meant it. Are you still willing to fight as well?"

"I don't have much of a say here, you know." Sara's voice was suddenly filled with so much defeat that Grace wanted to take her in her arms like she would a child.

"I know. I've got you an attorney. A good, solid defense attorney that will get this charge dropped." Grace watched as Sara's eyes grabbed hold of her own. She found it hard to look deep into the young woman's eyes, but found it even harder to look away. "I asked him to work to get you out of here. Maybe a level two prison instead."

"Why would he want to help me? I'm a murderer."

"I don't see it that way and neither does he." Grace took a moment to decide how much more she should tell Sara. The girl needed hope. "He will then look at your first murder charge. You did not have proper representation. There may be something he can do about that."

"I killed my father. Just...killed him. I got life. This is my life, Miss Mills." Sara stood then expecting the guard to come in as she did so. She was right in her thinking as she knew how the game was played here at Taconic. Sara was forceably led to the door, only turning once to look at Grace. "You said I might could see Olivia?"

"Yes, Sara. Of course." Grace watched as Sara was led away. She prayed she wouldn't fight too much against the guards. Yes, this was her life, but it was not her future. She needed to give Sara hope somehow. It was clear what Sara needed. It was clear what she wanted. She wanted to see Olivia, and it was up to Grace to make that happen. Somehow.


	31. Chapter 31

Fighting to Survive Chapter 31

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU

Grace waited patiently outside of Olivia's room. She felt it important for Olivia to know she was there and be able to decide if and when she wanted a visitor. It was late, after hours for standard visitation, but Grace always seemed able to talk her way around a schedule. She knew her title and position had a lot to do with that, but she also knew the staff knew how much she cared. And she did, care, for Olivia and Sara as well.

"Miss Mills? She'll see you now." Grace smiled at the young nurse wondering if she were ending or beginning her shift. Her eyes held a weary tint that Grace recognized easily.

Olivia watched Grace as she slowly made her way into her room. Grace pointed to the chair across the room as if asking for permission to bring it closer. When there was no response, Grace closed the door and took a position standing against the wall furthest from the bed. "How are you feeling, Olivia?"

Olivia smiled but Grace knew instantly it was a mock response.

"Do you mind if I have a seat? Just want to talk with you a bit." Grace waited, willing to allow Olivia control of even a simple conversation.

"Yeah. Okay." Olivia's voice was rough causing Grace to wonder if she hadn't been recently sleeping.

Grace pulled the chair up to the side of the bed and took a seat. She had been on the go all day and it felt good to be able to get off her feet. "You look good, Olivia."

"Have you heard from Elliot?" Olivia seemed almost sorry for her question once it was asked.

"I haven't lately. Did you need me to get in touch with him for you?"

Olivia shook her head before turning away. Grace gave her a few minutes before trying again. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm tired. You know? So tired." Olivia's voice wavered when she spoke and it was clear to Grace that no amount of sleep would help with what Olivia was feeling.

"I could only imagine." Grace reached out slowly and let her hand fall onto Olivia's. Both women ignored Olivia's initial startle at the contact; Grace was pleased to see that Olivia didn't pull away. "It will get better, you have to believe that."

Olivia just stared at Grace, almost as if she were reading something in her eyes. Grace refused to look away, sensing that Olivia had found at least some form of comfort. "Do you believe that?"

Olivia shrugged before looking away once again. She pulled her hand away from Grace's and used it to rub her temple. "I've never felt like this. I hurt everywhere. My body, my mind, my pride...my soul."

"You've been through quite an ordeal, Olivia. You've been through hell." Grace's tone was soft and comforting, almost forcing Olivia to look back towards her. "It's going to take some time."

Olivia looked up toward the ceiling, fixing her gaze on nothing in particular. Grace was quiet and patient, once again allowing Olivia control of the conversation. When there was none, Grace took a few minutes to study Olivia. She truly had been through hell and Grace knew she was well aware of how much further she had to go.

"I was supposed to meet with a therapist today, but I couldn't get up." Olivia's statement wasn't a surprise to Grace and she reacted accordingly. "I'd like to go home. Do you think I will be able to go home, Grace?"

"Do you think you're ready for that? I mean things didn't go so smoothly when you were there last."

Olivia smiled then, almost confusing Grace. "Oh yeah. I was raped when I was there last. Yeah, things didn't go so smoothly."

Grace moved her chair closer to Olivia's bed, reaching once again for her hand. It was evident Olivia didn't remember how she broke down when Elliot had brought her home and Grace didn't see it necessary to remind her. "Maybe you take some time and work through that, Olivia. The doctors here are wonderful and you'll get the help you need."

"I am a detective." Olivia glared at Grace, her demeanor instantly changing. "A SVU detective who was raped in her own home by her boyfriend. I cannot sit in a circle and share my story."

"Is that the advice you have given to all those victims you've helped over the years, Olivia?" Grace's tone didn't change with Olivia's, it was what she was good at.

"They weren't SVU detectives." Olivia's spit her response out and Grace was actually glad to hear the anger in her words.

"No, but they were women. Same as you. Probably unsuspecting of their boyfriend, at least some of them. Same as you." Grace squeezed Olivia's hand while she spoke. "This is not your fault. You did not ask for this."

"I'm trained. Trained to protect myself, yet I couldn't. I am trained to recognize the signs, yet I didn't. I let him rape me in my own bed." Olivia couldn't help the tears that fell freely as she talked and Grace was relieved to see that as well. "I'm sorry, but I just won't sit and share that with anybody."

"Okay, okay." Grace felt she had pushed Olivia enough and was glad to see the expected emotion from this exceptional woman. "It's going to take time, Olivia."

Olivia wiped at the tears, suddenly embarrassed for her display. "I want to go home."

"Olivia, I went to speak with Sara Esteban today." Grace's attempt to change the subject seemed to work as Olivia finish wiping her tears and turned her head to look directly at Grace. "She's back at Taconic."

"No! Grace, they'll kill her there." Olivia's fear was in every word and Grace was quick to continue for it.

"We're going to get her out of there. Trevor has agreed to take her case and he feels we'll get her cleared and at the very least moved to a level two facility." Grace watched as Olivia's expressions changed with her words. "He thinks we may even be able to revisit her original murder charge."

Grace was patient as she watched Olivia put the pieces together. "She was in there for murder? She killed her father?" It was a guess, but Olivia knew how these things worked, unfortunately.

"Yes, nearly three years ago." Grace gave Olivia time to process all she was telling her. "She didn't have proper representation. She should never have been sent to Taconic in the first place."

Olivia closed her eyes. "Please get her out of Taconic. Please, Grace."

"Olivia, look at me." Grace's tone did finally change and Olivia was compelled to follow her order. "  
>We will get her out of there. She's so young, so defeated, feels she has nothing to look forward to. I don't know if she cares enough to fight for herself. I will need her to fight for herself if we are going to be able to help her."<p>

"You've got to get her out of there." Olivia's words were whispered this time and Grace felt each one.

"She has asked to see you, Olivia."

Olivia closed her eyes again, refusing to open them. It was a long few moments before she spoke again. "I can't help her. I am a fucked up mess right now. I just can't."

Grace leaned close speaking so softly Olivia had to really concentrate to hear her. "No matter what has happened to you, you are still Olivia Benson. Never would you turn your back on a victim, especially a child that needed you. Sara is still that little girl that needed you. She needs you Olivia and I believe you need her."

Grace stood slowly when there was no response and headed for the door. She glanced back at Olivia who still hadn't opened her eyes. Grace's heart broke just a little more as she watched the silent tears as they streamed down Olivia's face.

Elliot listened to the light knocking on the apartment door. He debated whether or not to ignore it, he wasn't expecting anyone.

"Ah, counselor. What can I do you for?" Elliot opened to the door to Alex Cabot, not at all who he was expecting to see.

"Wanted to see how you were holding up is all. Can I come in?"

Elliot stepped aside, giving Alex the unspoken invite. He watched as she tried not to react to what she saw.

"I made a decision. I don't want her coming back here." Elliot addressed the stack of packed boxes that littered the living room.

"Pretty big decision, don't you think, Elliot?" Alex slowly made her way around the living room.

"Well, bringing her back here wasn't the right decision." Elliot's frustration was loud but it wasn't anything Alex wasn't used to.

"I'm just saying maybe you should let her make that decision." Alex picked up the picture of Elliot and Olivia that was placed on top of one of the boxes. They were so much younger, so early in their partnership.

"I'm her partner." Elliot raised an eyebrow which asked Alex if he needed to explain further. He knew he wouldn't as Alex fully understood how close he and Olivia were during the partnership.

"So, what's your plan?" Alex began to help, taking a few empty boxes into the kitchen. She wouldn't argue with his plan whatever it was hating what Olivia had endured here in her apartment.

Elliot had followed Alex, carefully studying her as she began to wrap up Olivia's dishes and gently stack them into a box. He watched for a few minutes before reaching above her to the glasses that were up high. He handed them to her one by one. "I'm not leaving her."

Alex put the glasses on the counter before looking directly at Elliot. "This is in no way your fault. You do know that right?"

"I know." Elliot answered quickly. "I just don't think she needs to be here with the reminder of what that bastard..."

Elliot didn't finish, Alex didn't want him to. "What's going on with you and Kathy? Have you even seen your kids lately?"

Elliot pointed to the papers laying on the counter by the stove. Alex recognized the served divorce paperwork even from a distance. "Yeah, I see my kids as much as I can."

Alex continued to pack and Elliot continued to empty the high cabinets. "Elliot, nobody blames you for shooting that girl in the squad room. You did what you were trained to do."

"I know." Again the quick answer. "Doesn't change the fact she was just a kid."

"Have you talked to anybody about it?" Alex knew he hadn't but didn't want to assume. "It's a lot to handle on your own."

Elliot slowly shook his head. "I only want to help Liv right now. However I can."

"We all do, El." Alex's normal matter of fact approach was missing and Elliot not only noticed but appreciated that fact. "I just think she needs you whole and clearly you're not."

Elliot leaned up against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. "My partner was brutally raped and I wasn't available to her. She didn't even call me. She felt as if I had abandoned her and I guess I did. I know I did."

Alex let Elliot talk, but stopped packing to give him her full attention.

"How do I fix that, Alex? How do I get her to trust me?"

"She may never trust you, Elliot. She may never trust anyone, including herself. Doesn't mean we give up." Alex rubbed the outsides of Elliot's arms. "I've got all night. I'll help you finish up."

Nick Amarro waited outside of Trevor Langan's office. It was early and he had hoped to catch Grace before she started work for the day. He calculated correctly as he only waited a few minutes before Grace quickly approached.

"Detective Amarro? Can I help you?" Grace was surprised to see Olivia's partner, but instantly made him feel welcome.

"Cragen filled me in on what you and Langan were going to try to do for Sara Esteban. I was hoping to tag along the next time you went to see her. I think we made a connection, you know, some sort of repoire." Nick was talking quickly and Grace recognized the nervous stance as well.

"I'm heading to Taconic this morning. Would love the company." Grace wasn't going to waste any time getting Sara ready to go back to trial. It was going to be an uphill battle and she wasn't sure if Sara was up to climbing.

Sara was led into the small room where they had met with her just a day earlier. Grace fought hard to control her emotions as the fresh bruises and labored way Sara walked told the facts. She refused to look up at either Grace or Nick as she was ordered where and when to sit.

"Remove the cuffs." Nick's voice held an authority that made Sara look up into his eyes. The guard did as directed and slowly left the room. Sara rubbed her wrists letting her eyes drop to the floor.

"Sara, you have to hang on. We are going to get you out of here." Grace was quick to reassure the young woman who was losing her battle against composure. Her body shook despite the recognizable efforts to control it. "What happened?"

"I murdered an officer." Sara's words were mumbled and it was clear she wasn't going to say.

"With any luck, Sara you will be out of here today. Trevor is working on that as we speak." Grace reached out to touch Sara's hand, but instantly pulled back at the horrified look on Grace's face.

"It doesn't matter." Sara's voice was flat, no emotion, no hope.

"It does. Then we will work defend you properly against the murder charge that put you here. I need you to hang on." Grace was firm, hating that her words seemed sharp to Sara.

"Why are you here?" Sara looked first at Grace and then to Nick.

"To let you know that we haven't given up on you. That we will not give up on you." Grace answered first, then glanced at Nick.

"I'm fighting for you too, Sara. I'm fighting for my partner. Olivia wants me to help you and I intend to do whatever I can to do just that." Nick spoke softly and Grace smiled inside at how Sara seemed to respond to him.

The silence was loud, but nobody made a move to break it. Grace seemed content to just give Sara the time away from the guards, the time to breathe.

Sara looked up and Grace could see the empty hollow look that Elliot described so perfectly. The look in Sara's eyes took Grace's breathe away as she felt every bit of pain this young woman had ever experienced.

Sara then looked at Nick. Her eyes pulled Nick closer as he positioned himself to hear what Sara had to say to him. She stood then which prompted the guard to enter. Nick looked up at the guard knowing he wouldn't be able to stop him from taking Sara away. "Di me."

Sara moved in close to Nick in a way that surprised Grace. She glanced at the guard who was preparing to cuff her before returning her eyes back to Nick's. "Tengo que luchar a luchar. Imposible ganar, improbable sobrevivir."

Nick watched as the guard jerked at Sara, obviously frustrated with her insistence on delivering her statement to Nick. She kept her eyes on Nick's until she was dragged from sight. Nick looked at Grace and the defeat was evident on his face.

"She has to fight to fight. She says it's impossible to win and she's not likely to survive." Grace spoke Spanish and delivered the same message in the same way as Sara had.

"She's giving up." Nick's defeated tone matched his expression.

"No, she's not. She's willing to fight. She's willing to play a game she feels she won't win." Grace sat back down at the table letting Nick know she needed a few minutes. She let a few tears fall then and Nick waved off the guards who were there to escort them out. He would give her the time she needed. Even the strong fall weak sometimes and as far as Nick saw it, Grace could cry all day if she needed to.


	32. Chapter 32

Fighting to Survive Chapter 32

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Olivia tossed the magazine aside, nothing in it seemed to catch or keep her attention. Her mind roamed and the effort it took to keep focused on any one thing was not worth the trouble as far as she was concerned. Her body ached and she was reminded of her ordeal with each and every movement. Frustrated, she reached for the magazine again, flipping it open to the article she had started to read several times.

The sounds of Taconic flooded her senses as she tried to block out the images. Her mind showed her Mel and Brie. Sally and of course, Sara. Olivia shook her head against Sara's voice as she pleaded with her to get up. The desperate determination in the young woman's voice was enough to keep going, to keep fighting. It pained Olivia to know that Sara had been surviving Taconic on her own, that she had survived such a life this long. She saw the life and the hope in the young girl's eyes as she announced to Olivia that she knew who she was. Olivia wasn't sure if she was asking for or offering her help, maybe both. Maybe it didn't much matter as neither of them fared well.

The light knocking on the door produced a young nurse with an apologetic smile. Olivia was grateful for the interruption, yet found herself dreading the reason. "Ms. Benson? I know it's early but you have a visitor. Yes?"

Olivia nodded, once again setting the magazine down on the table to her right. Her eyes followed the nurse as she stepped to the side allowing Elliot to enter in behind her. She was thrilled to see him and found herself immediately searching his eyes. She tried to look away, wishing she didn't feel the need to read him before she heard him out. Habit, instincts, familiar. How Olivia craved anything familiar.

Elliot stood still, waiting for her approval, watching her as well. He knew she was pulling from him and he would stand there all day and let her look if that's what she needed. He really didn't know what she needed at this point, and he doubted she did either. It wasn't until Olivia looked away, suddenly interested in her hands, that Elliot realized she would wait for him to speak to her.

"I miss you." Elliot wasn't sure what he saw in his partner's quick glance. He thought anger, at least at first he was sure of it. The silence that followed was difficult despite Elliot not expecting a response. "You look like you're feeling better...at least some."

"Some." Olivia looked up at Elliot then, pleased to see he had decided to keep the beard. She took a few minutes to see how nice and trim he kept it; she rarely saw him with any facial hair during their time together as partners.

Elliot took a step back so that he was leaning up against the back wall. He kept his gaze trained on Olivia's face, almost reading her thoughts as she fought against them. "You can say whatever you want to me, Liv. Whatever you need to."

Olivia nodded slightly, knowing speaking her thoughts wouldn't do either of them any good. "I'm ready to get out of here. I need to get out of here."

"Olivia, you need to take advantage..."

"No!" Olivia's harsh tone surprised even herself as she quickly started again. "No, Elliot. You don't get to tell me what I need."

Elliot pushed off the wall, slowly making his way closer to Olivia's bed. He took a chance and lowered himself so that he was sitting on her bed with her. He was close, close enough to touch her, but careful not to. He watched her as she watched him, thankful when there was little to no reaction from her. "Tell me what you need. What do you want me to do? I'm lost here, Liv."

"I want to go home. I want to go back to work. I want..."

"Tell me." Elliot's words were nearly whispered as his fingers barely touched Olivia's praying she would continue and not shut down on him.

"I want to be able to breathe." Elliot felt the pressure building in his chest as he watched the tears form in Olivia's eyes. "I want to be able to close my eyes and not see him. I want to be able to sleep and not hear him; feel him. I just want to be able to breathe."

Elliot cringed at his partner's words. All of his years, their years, in the Special Victims Unit and he had no clue as to what to say to Olivia as she allowed him to see just how wounded she really was. He wanted to grab hold of her, pull him into his chest in a way that would show her how he could and would protect her from anyone and anything. He liked to believe that by doing just that he could erase every ounce of pain Richard Morris had caused her. Elliot leaned in closer, giving Olivia every opportunity to turn away from him. When she didn't, he positioned himself so that she could easily put her arms around his neck. It was a bold move on his part, not knowing quite where Olivia was with wanting or needing physical contact.

"El." Olivia whispered his name as she did exactly what he was hoping for. He could hear every ounce of pain Olivia had experienced, every bit of disappointment and all the fear that still contaminated her sleep. Elliot could feel her body as it pleaded with his to hold her upright and he knew that was the least he could do for her.

"I'm not leaving you, Liv." Elliot's lips were touching the side of her face as he spoke and he was pleased that she made no attempt to move away from him. He carefully let his arms surround her, noticing immediately how much weight she had lost. He had never really held her like this, but he knew for certain she was considerably smaller than she had been.

The trembling Olivia couldn't control was soon replaced by a steady rhythm as her breathing evened out. The effort that was necessary for Olivia to take a deep breath was not lost on Elliot and he loosened his hold as she fought to fill her lungs. He fought himself against the anger that suddenly consumed him. He controlled it only to then have to defend against the guilt that was threatening to drown him. Elliot battled his emotions while Olivia held onto him. He felt her grasp loosen only to then feel her hand as she gently placed it against his face. The moved surprised him, yet he remained perfectly still. He now understood she needed the physical contact as she let her thumb trace the outline of his beard. "Liv."

Elliot let his arms tighten slightly around Olivia, content to simply hold her and let her touch him in any way she needed. He felt her relax into him just before he felt her body shaking with silent tears. He slowly moved his hand to the back of her head and held her against him while she cried. This was the very least he could do for her yet it seemed to be exactly what she needed from him.

Grace marched into Langan's office without knocking and he barely glanced up at her despite being in the middle of a phone conversation that obviously took priority over whatever Grace needed. He all but ignored her as she stood by patiently knowing everything was all in due time with Trevor.

"Let me guess. Sara Esteban." Trevor wasn't guessing at all as he hung up the phone before letting his gaze fall on Grace.

"Tell me we can get her out of Taconic. They're going to kill her in there." Grace had had a rough evening, knowing the abuse Sara was enduring at the hands of the Taconic Correctional Officers.

Trevor looked hard at Grace. "What is it about this kid? Why does she have you so upside down?"

"Just that. She's not much more than a kid. She shouldn't be there and she deserves the chance at some kind of life." Grace knew where Trevor was heading and she braced for it.

"You're too emotionally involved. Whether it's with Sara or Olivia Benson, I don't know. Either way, you get too close, you're bound to make mistakes." Trevor crossed his arms over his chest expecting some sort of reply from Grace.

"Please tell me you were able to get her out." Grace's voice weakened and Trevor recognized how emotionally involved she really was.

"I need you to get up to Taconic; take Amarro with you. I want you with her at all times as she is transferred to Beacon." Trevor watched the different emotions as they washed over Grace's face. "The threat for retaliation against her is huge and she can have legal representation with her. You good with that?"

"Absolutely." Grace couldn't force back the smile that made it's way across her face. "Amarro?"

"He seems interested in helping her as well. Not to mention a little extra authority on the ride wouldn't hurt." Trevor worried for Grace as he was well aware of the abuse Sara had sustained at the hands of the correctional officers since being returned to Taconic. He didn't know Nick that well, but from what he could tell Nick was good for the ride. "Grace, don't waste any time, get her ready for trial. I want to ride the wave here. Understand?"

"Yes, sir." Grace understood exactly what Trevor was saying to her and she couldn't be happier that Sara was being moved out of Taconic. She hurried to the one-six, praying Detective Amarro was available.

Grace paced the length of the small waiting room as they were instructed to wait until Sara was brought to them. Trevor had informed her that the order had been given and it was official. Sara was to be transferred to Beacon in a timely matter. Nick leaned up against the wall, watching Grace carefully as she appeared nervous. Grace glanced toward Nick, knowing he was wondering, also knowing he wouldn't ask.

"I'm scared for her. I'm worried about last chance retaliation by the guards. I'm worried she won't fight anymore for herself, her future when this is when I need her to fight the hardest." Grace answered Nick's unasked question.

"She'll be alright. We'll be alright." Nick's accent seemed thicker as Grace recognized the emotions that flooded his every word. He had formed some sort of relationship with Sara and was still dealing with the loss of his partnership with Olivia. It had been Benson and Stabler for so long that not many recognized it had also been Benson and Amarro. Nick did and Grace knew Olivia did as well.

Sara was led in then with leg irons preventing her from taking natural strides. Grace took in how her hands were cuffed at her waist, assuming this was the procedure for transfer. Sara looked just short of humiliated, refusing to look up at either Grace or Nick. She listened to the directions of the transferring officers, only shaking her head when they asked if she understood. She was then ordered to sit while the van was brought around. "Why are you here?" Sara looked up at Grace, confirming Grace's concerns from the previous night.

Grace grabbed Sara's eyes with her own, refusing to let the younger woman look away when Grace reacted to the deep purple coloring around Sara's light eyes. "You're getting out of here. Headed to Beacon Correctional."

Grace smiled when Sara began to. "Am I really getting out of here?"

"You are." Grace felt her heart drop just a bit as Sara let her head fall slightly in relief.

"Thank you." Sara's voice was barely audible, but Grace heard her loud and clear.

"Sara, we're not done. Trevor Langan is preparing to take you back to court to try to get the original charge dropped." Grace couldn't help but study the deep, angry bruising that covered Sara's face. How she withstood such violence toward her, Grace would never know.

Grace moved back against the sudden change in demeanor from Sara. "I can't go back to court."

"I know you're scared and the last thing you want to do is tell your story again, but Sara, your future is at stake here." Grace was suddenly worried that Sara would not actively assist in her own defense.

"Is that part of the deal? Never mind, I'll stay here." Sara was suddenly angry and this confused Grace slightly. "I can't go there again, please Miss Mills, don't make me do this."

Grace moved closer to Sara, grasping the young woman's hand within her own. "No, it's not part of the deal. You're getting out of Taconic today, this morning actually."

Sara shook her head as she carefully watched Grace as she spoke. She then watched Grace as she moved her chair closer so that she was all but touching Sara.

"Sara, I need you to do this. For you and your future, but for Olivia as well. She needs to know that all that she has done throughout her career wasn't for nothing. That the sacrifices she has made for all the victims she has helped has not been in vain. You are important to her and I believe she would do anything to make sure you're okay." Grace's voice wavered as she spoke, but she kept eye contact with Sara the whole time.

Sara stared at Grace, her eyes softening the longer she looked. "Detective Benson heard me. She heard me when I didn't say anything...about my father...what he was doing to me."

Grace encouraged Sara with silent words, telling her what she had to say was important.

"I was given a chance then, when she rescued me from my father. I blew it though. I ruined the chance I had at a normal life when I killed him." Sara's voice was anything but strong as she fought against showing any emotion.

"You didn't ruin anything, Sara. Your father made those choices for you. Now it is up to you. The choice is yours."

"I saved Olivia from Harvey. She's out now and alive. I'm okay with that." Sara turned her wrists against the sharp metal of the cuffs.

"Sara, she asked me to help you. She could barely talk yet she was asking me to help you. She would do anything for you, I believe that." Grace watched as Sara allowed herself to go back to when she was a child. Her memories tormented her and Grace couldn't help but feel for her.

"Can she be there? Can Olivia be there, in court?" Sara's hopeful eyes caught a hold of Grace and held on.

"Olivia's at Bellevue right now. She's having a hard time dealing with all that has happened, but I think she's trying, Sara. I think she is trying to get herself well enough to be there for you." Grace thought back to when she told Olivia that Sara needed to see her. She knew the former detective was torn between wanting nothing more than to help Sara and being seen as a victim herself.

Sara stood as directed, and was led out of the small room to the transporting van. Grace followed and was roughly frisked before being allowed to enter the van. She knew the guards would push their limits and kept quiet as she felt the male hands touching her everywhere. She closed her eyes briefly, praying the search would end quickly.

"That's enough!" Nick had the guard pinned by the throat up against the bus. "You do not touch her again. Am I clear enough for you?"

Grace worked to compose herself as she watched Nick defend her. It was a small price to pay to make sure Sara made it to Beacon safely, but she shuddered at the violation against her body. She let all the air filter out of her lungs as her thoughts were of Olivia and Sara. How they were violated in the worst way, yet here she was upset over a little inappropriate touching.

Grace boarded the van and took a seat next to Sara. "I'm sorry, Miss Mills. You don't deserve to be treated like that."

"Well you know what, Sara? Neither do you." Grace let her hand rest gently on Sara's leg. They both watched Nick as he too boarded the bus. Grace noticed his gun as it rested securely on his hip. She was thankful for it and for Nick as well.


	33. Chapter 33

Fighting to Survive Chapter 33

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Don Cragen walked the halls of Bellevue wandering how he would be received by Olivia. The reports that were coming in to him on her progress were all good, but he knew he would have to see her for himself before he would believe she was doing better. He glanced at his watch realizing he was probably too late for visiting hours; his timing had been off on many things since his detective went down. The nurse at the desk looked like she was ready for the older man to push the limits as she stood with her arms crossed.

"Captain Donald Cragen, Manhattan Special Victims Unit. I'm here to see Detective..." Cragen stopped himself as he was forced to ask for her by name rather than title. "Olivia Benson."

Cragen knew he wasn't dealing with a rookie by the way the confident nurse looked at his credentials without much of an expression. "Nancy Daly, Bellevue Psychiatric Ward. Visiting hours are over."

"Please." Don placed his shield back in his pocket realizing he held no authority here.

"What is it with the NYPD and expecting special concessions?" Nancy blew out a long breath, knowing she would let anybody in that would possibly help Olivia.

"Please?" Cragen knew he had won, surprised his best puppy dog face seemed to work on the older nurse.

"I'm only allowing this because Miss Benson seems to be having a rough evening. Keeps asking for pain meds when she should be starting to wean off them. She's wanting something to help her sleep and I can only administer so much each hour." Cragen watched as Nancy glanced at Olivia's chart before leading him to her door. "Maybe you can settle her down a bit. I don't think she dealing with as much physical pain as she says. Just my honest opinion."

Olivia's reported condition did little to reassure Don that he should even be here at all, however the first sight he had of her told him otherwise. He was her commanding officer and she was his detective. With or without official titles, that's just the way it was.

Nancy announced to Olivia that she had a visitor then gave Don a sympathetic look when Olivia didn't respond, not even to turn her head. Don stared at Olivia wondering if he should speak or wait for her to acknowledge him. He rarely was ever at such a loss as to how to act or how to be.

"It's looking like I may need a little more time off." Olivia spoke first, still refusing to face her captain. She was well aware of who her visitor was despite not having turned away from the wall. Don was a patient man, had proven that often enough over the years of dealing with Benson and Stabler. He would wait until she was ready to face him and he knew her well enough to know she would. In her time.

Don took a few minutes to scan the room, his eyes landing on Olivia as she carefully shifted her body so that she could address her boss in the way she knew he deserved. He hated that she tried to conceal her pain from him, that she felt she had to be so tough in his presence. He let his eyes smile just a bit when she looked at him, he wanted and needed her to relax. "Still in a lot of pain?"

"I'm fine." Olivia took in her captain and his nervous stance. She was trying to read him; she knew it and she was sure he did as well.

Don took a seat, calling Olivia out on her answer with his expression alone. "Had to throw my weight around a bit to get in here. Nancy's a tough one." Don was desperate to break the ice and hoped Olivia would give just a bit.

Olivia's small attempt at a smile announced that she knew better. "I'm glad she felt sorry for you. She's a strict one on visiting hours."

Cragen smiled then before letting his gaze land squarely on Olivia's face. "Liv, how are you doing? I mean how are you really doing? Don't tell me you're fine...I know better."

It was then that Cragen experienced every experience Olivia had through her eyes. It was suddenly impossible for either of them to look away and the long few seconds that passed were torture for the both of them. "I'm going to be okay. I just want to sleep, you know?"

"Yeah, I can imagine." Don's soft response encouraged Olivia and he was pleased to be getting what he came for.

"So many years in the unit, so many women, victims. I pushed them to testify. I pushed them to get a rape kit done, to face their rapist. I thought I was doing what was best for them but forcing them to relive their nightmares...how could I?" Olivia swiped at the tears that seemingly came from nowhere. "For what, Don? A victory in court...a successful closing rate."

"How many of those women took their life back because of you pushing them? How many? How many would've let their rapist completely control and destroy the rest of their lives had it not been for the support you offered them?" Cragen's tone changed and the abruptness wasn't lost on Olivia.

"I didn't have to go through this part of it with them. We convicted and we moved on to the next. Rarely did we follow up, hardly ever did I know what became of those that were strong enough to stand up to their attacker." Olivia closed her eyes then causing Don to wonder where her thoughts were.

"There is a woman that you helped that was strong enough to not only face her attacker but protect herself as well. We do know what happened to her and we do know now that she has a chance at having a fulfilling life." Don's heart broke a little as he watched the tears leak from Olivia's closed eyes. "We are all fighting for her, doing whatever we can to give her that chance."

Olivia opened her eyes then, letting them fall on her captain's face as he stared down at her. "Sara."

"Langan is going to take her back to trial, claiming misrepresentation." Don paused waiting to see what Olivia's reaction would be if she had one at all. "She will have to retell her story, Liv. Relive her nightmare."

The silence was necessary and the ticking of the clock was the only sound that was louder than Olivia's breathing. "She's been through so much already, why is Langan pushing her to do this?"

"I don't know that he's pushing, but it is a chance at having a life. She's barely twenty two years old, Liv. She deserves a chance at some kind of life." Cragen stood then and Olivia couldn't help but follow him with her eyes.

"I can't help her, Don. As much as I want to...I just can't."

Donald Cragen had done what he came to do. He had come to see where Olivia was both mentally and physically and he made his attempt to aid in Sara's defense the best way he knew how. He headed for the door knowing Olivia's expression had changed from self-pity to confusion without ever looking at her. "You're not coming back to work. You know that as well as I do. Your life is by no means over, but your career as a NYPD SVU detective is. That's just the way it is."

Olivia had no response and barely blinked as Don spoke. It was when he turned to face her that she saw the man she had admired all her career standing before her. She braced for what he was about to say, knowing he was going to bark out orders, at least once more.

"That girl needs you. Never would you turn your back on a victim that needed you. Your may not be a detective anymore, but you are Olivia Benson. You may not owe that girl anything, but you do owe it to yourself to not let Richard Morris change who you are." Olivia cringed at the harsh way Cragen was speaking to her, but was thankful in a strange way for the familiarity. It took a few seconds for her to realize he was waiting for some sort of response.

"Yes, sir."

"Langan is going to go fast with this. He thinks there's a good chance Sara will be exonerated and released immediately. She has to fight for herself though, she has to sit before a jury and tell her story...again. She's going to refuse and despite Grace's best efforts, there will be nothing we will be able to do for her then."

"I can't help her. I can't even help myself right now, how am I supposed to coach her to do something I won't even do." Olivia's voice was raw and the emotion that threatened to divide her physically was very much present.

"She want's to see you. That child needs you. If that matters to you anymore, then you will do what you have to do in order to be there for her. If not, then I guess Richard Morris wins...again." Don turned quickly and opened the door. He refused to look back at Olivia hating that he felt he needed to talk to her that way, but hoping she had heard him. He then walked the halls of Bellevue hating that he had to leave Olivia here, hating that she was here at all and hating that he never once saw the fire in her eyes that he was so accustomed to seeing.

Grace rode in silence along side Sara as they traveled back towards the city. Beacon Correctional Facility wasn't far from the city and Grace wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. She could feel Sara as the young woman tried to control her nervous shaking the closer they got to what would be her new home. Grace placed her hand on Sara's leg and left it there as she noticed the calming effect it had.

"I am told things will be considerably better at Beacon." Grace kept her voice low and controlled, not at all surprised when there was no response from Sara. "The inmates there are all working towards release. The violence should be little to none."

Sara turned to face Grace then and it seemed to pain her to offer a slight grin. The fear of the unknown coming in second to the pain that was consuming her despite no complaints. Grace wished she could do more for this woman; she wished she could somehow make her pain stop.

Nick motioned for Grace to exit first when the van pulled into the prison yard. She was reluctant to leave Sara even for a minute knowing the transferring officers were the ones from Taconic. Nick's expression told her that he was well aware of the officers and would follow right behind Sara.

Once out of the van, Sara's shackles were tightened and her hands cuffed tighter to her waist. Grace was quick to intervene, only to be roughly pushed aside. "Procedure, ma'am."

Nick was quickly in the guard's face and without a word was able to settle the situation. Grace was grateful as she watched him settle Sara with just a look as well. The walk into the prison was torturous at best and Grace knew she would work even that much harder to free Sara. This girl had truly been through entirely too much in her short life.

Sara instantly rubbed her wrists once the shackles and cuffs were removed. She missed Nick's presence although was thankful that Grace was permitted to stay with her though the whole intake process. She was no stranger to this process and slowly removed her jumpsuit in favor of the comfortable sweats that were provided from Beacon. She couldn't have known that although Grace busied herself with the policies and procedures of Beacon Correctional Facility, she had seen the angry, dark bruising that covered the majority of Sara's body.

Grace called the intake officer over to her, leaving Sara to slowly and carefully dress. "She needs to be seen by a doctor, she's been beaten by the staff at Taconic and needs at least some pain medication." Grace was pleased at the understanding smile she received from the officer. She was then relieved as Sara was led away to the prison infirmary without restraints. Grace wasn't sure what expression Sara wore as she walked away but her eyes told Grace that she was thankful for the chance to relax and maybe even heal.

Grace knew this wasn't normal procedure. She would've had to say goodbye to Sara hours ago, but she didn't doubt Trevor had pulled the necessary strings to allow Grace total access to Sara, at least until she was settled in. She quietly sifted through the court documents from Sara's original trial, reading every word that was said by the defense attorney, prosecutor and even the judge. She flipped through each page, perusing quickly looking for Sara's testimony. The more she looked the more frustrated and angry she became. There was no testimony from Sara at all. She hadn't taken the stand and her future had been decided for her. She hadn't been given a chance to fight for herself, therefore having no chance but to fight for survival in and out of prison.

Sara shifted slightly in her sleep and Grace watched carefully wondering if she ever dreamed or if all her sleeping moments were consumed with the horrors she lived. The other patients kept to themselves, neither noticing nor bothering Grace as she sat alongside Sara's bed. The whole atmosphere at Beacon was different than that of Taconic and the staff had been nothing but helpful. Grace took a deep breath, holding it before slowly letting her lungs deflate. She felt at least a little relieved that Trevor had come through for Sara so far. She knew that would go a long way in whether or not Sara trusted her enough to open up about her past. She hoped for her sake she could. She prayed for Olivia's sake, she would.

"Are you going to stay here all day?" Sara's voice was steady and causing Grace to wonder if she had been sleeping at all.

"I just may." Grace quickly put her paperwork in her briefcase letting Sara know she had her full attention. Sara watched Grace carefully as if she were preparing for the conditions. "You look like you're finally relaxed. Is there much pain?"

"Everywhere." Sara answered quickly and for the first time Grace thought she saw a smile in Sara's hollow eyes.

Grace watched Sara as she shifted her body again, not even trying to hide her pain. "I have been granted full access to you until you have been settled in. It was part of the deal Trevor Langan worked out with the Director of Corrections and the warden here."

Sara nodded before closing her eyes. "Am I going to have to explain exactly what happened to me. What he did when I was a child?"

The fact that Sara brought up her upcoming trial gave Grace the hope. "Yes, as much and in as much detail as you can remember."

Sara turned her body away from Grace then, staring at a particular spot on the wall. "I don't know, Miss Mills. It will be okay here. You said there isn't much violence."

Grace could feel how scared Sara was and was determined to fight with her. "I will be there with you, the whole way, Sara. I promise you that."

"I don't know if I remember much from when I was little. I really don't even remember much about killing him. It's okay, you don't have to stay here." Sara kept her body turned away from Grace when she spoke hoping her answers would be enough to make Grace give up.

"Okay, Sara. I won't push you, but I believe you remember more than you think. In fact, I'm willing to believe you remember everything." Grace sat quietly then wondering if Sara was done with the conversation when she didn't answer for a long few minutes.

"Detective Benson isn't going to be able to be there is she?" Sara sounded like a child and the change in tone stung Grace as she contemplated how to answer her.

"I honestly don't know, Sara. She's not well. She's struggling with all that's happened to her lately." Grace knew how important it was for Sara that she see Olivia. How she would draw strength from the former detective.

"It's okay. She was pretty beat-up. I'm okay with staying here. I don't want to go to court." Sara turned slightly so that she was able to shoot Grace a glance that showed she was well aware of what she was saying. "Could you tell Mr. Langan thank you, but no thanks. I'm good here now, thanks to him...and you."

"Please, Sara." Grace felt a raw panic beginning to build at Sara's final tone. "You've got to fight for yourself."

"I'm tired of fighting, Miss Mills. I'm so tired. I can't win and it's unlikely I'll survive if I try." Sara's eyes connected with Grace's and she held her gaze until there was more and more time in between each blink. Grace knew how tired Sara was and the physical exhaustion was only surface level fatigue. Her soul was beyond spent and Grace found herself wondering if there would ever be a way to fight against that.


	34. Chapter 34

Fighting to Survive Chapter 34

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Elliot Stabler worried. He worried about his partner, his friend, and what affect his leaving her the way he did really had on her in the grand scheme of things now. He didn't exactly leave her, he had just left. He realized she saw it as abandonment. He recognized it as survival. Either way he was not available to her when she needed him the most and he often thought about the fact that she did not even try to call him the night of her attack. He was aware of her previous attempts and he often choked on the guilt that resulted when he refused her calls. Now it was all he could do not to drown in that guilt. The fact that Olivia needed him now more than ever was enough to keep his head up and to keep breathing through his emotions.

He really had had enough and shooting that young girl was too much for him. He knew Olivia would understand, he knew she would feel every emotion with him as he worked through the tragedy. He knew she would pick him up and make him strong again. That's who they were and what they did. That was what they did for each other. They were Benson and Stabler and he knew no matter what the future held for them, there was a part of him that would always be Detective Stabler and a part of her that would always be his partner, Detective Benson.

He didn't allow her to be there for him then, now hoping she would continue to allow him to be there for her. He owed her. He loved her; if he didn't understand it, he felt it nonetheless. Some partners were closer than married couples. He balked at the comment made to him a few years back, now he felt every word. In many ways he had always felt closer to Olivia than Kathy. She understood him, what drove him, what disabled him. Olivia always knew when to push and when to back up. She knew how to calm him with just a look or when to blast him with a reality check he never wanted to hear but so often needed. She got him and it was killing him now that he had no clue what she needed from him. He found himself wondering if she even knew what she needed from him, would she say?

Elliot waited for Olivia to return to her room. He was informed that she was in a session and he was surprised yet pleased. He had no idea where her head was as she clung to him yesterday, but today it seemed she had found at least a little inner strength and for that he was so very hopeful. He flipped through the magazine that had been read or at least looked at maybe too many times while he nervously awaited the return of his partner. He worried she wouldn't want to see him and he wondered if that were the case would he accept it.

It hadn't been too long or at least it didn't seem too long when Elliot was summoned. He was let in with a short knock on the door and he felt a little like royalty as his visit was announced. He was a regular here at Bellevue these days, not to mention his appearances during his career. He eyes immediately found Olivia who was at her full height, standing with the aid of her crutches.

She smiled and that alone was enough for him as he had to stop himself from taking the few steps that would put her completely in her personal space. "Been busy already today, I see."

"Had a therapy session." Olivia shifted her weight on the crutches and Elliot could see the pain and fatigue she worked against. "A little different than the typical head shrinking, but went well, I think."

Elliot wanted to reach out and help Olivia at least sit down, but he could see in her face. She wanted nothing more than to get on her feet again. "When does the cast come off?" Small talk. Elliot was nervous, not usually ever nervous around his partner.

"A few more weeks. It was a clean break, so should completely heal." Olivia's voice was strained, leaving Elliot to wonder how tough the session really had been on her. He imagined they would all be difficult in their own way, despite her progress. "I want to get out of here, but have to make a certain amount of progress before I'll be considered for parole."

The slight play on words did nothing for Elliot's heart and the slight smile he offered was accepted by Olivia as she heard her own words and the effect on her was clearly the same. Elliot watched, reading his partner closely. She did not want his assistance, nor his pity as she carefully maneuvered herself into position to be able to lift herself onto her bed. She let the crutches fall to the floor, not much caring where they landed. "I think I'm done for the day, though."

"Liv..."

"No, Elliot." Olivia's tone was enough to stop anything Elliot had wanted to say. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was, how ashamed he was and how he wished she would have the answers that he so desperately needed right now as to how to help her. He was well aware of how her independence was for so long her identity. "I'm okay, El. I'm fine."

They both knew she wasn't fine and they both wondered in their own way, if she ever would be truly fine again. He had to believe she would be. He could see it in the sweat that had formed on her forehead that she would be, eventually.

"I want to get out of here. I want to go home, you know, get things back to normal." Olivia's voice trailed off as she recalled Cragen's words. "I'm done, El. My career...it's over."

"So, you find a new career." Elliot already accepted that he would find something different, now it would be Olivia's turn to come to terms.

"I don't know. This is who I am. Who I've always been." Olivia let her head fall back against the pillow. "How do I just stop?"

Elliot approached Olivia's bedside. "You'll never just stop, Liv. There's a part of you that will always be Detective Benson. You'll always read people, always look at children a certain way and always know when somebody is holding back on you. You have talents and gifts that made you better able to be Detective Benson."

Olivia stared into Elliot's eyes as he talked. He was talking about himself as well and she could feel her chest tighten as he struggled with how to continue.

"You are and have always been Olivia Benson. Your title and position does not define you. Your heart, strength and courage do and that's always been there and I'm willing to bet it still is." Elliot grabbed Olivia's hand instantly sorry for startling her. Her attention had been so focused on Elliot's eyes as he talked that she missed the smallest movement. He immediately pulled back and waited for some kind of response from her.

"Who are you now, El?" Olivia's words were nearly whispered and this time she didn't flinch at all when he took hold of her hand.

"Elliot. Dad." Elliot held Oliva's gaze. "El."

"Who knew our careers would come to and end like this." Olivia shook her head wondering if she would ever be the same again, if she would ever feel like Olivia Benson again.

"Ah, there was never a whole lot of predictability in our jobs, careers, or hell our lives for that matter." Elliot was pleased when his attempt to lighten the mood seemed to be working. "I, for one, am actually looking forward to what the future holds for me."

Olivia smiled when Elliot did.

"No more middle of the night calls, no more crying children, broken woman, sick bastards that all claim their mommies ruined them." Elliot shook his head. "No more, Liv."

"I don't know if I will be able to turn all that off so easily." Olivia's tone pulled Elliot down to her.

"It's not been easy and I still struggle. Maybe always will." Elliot took a few steps away from the bed and the move confused Olivia as she watched his face. Reading again, trying to stay one step ahead. "I think it might be a good idea if we move you out of your apartment. What do you think?"

Olivia was silent as she let her gaze fall down to her hands as they rested heavily on her thighs. It seemed like forever before she looked up at Elliot who was waiting patiently for her response. "I think you've already done that."

Elliot wasn't sure how Olivia knew, and he wasn't sure how she felt about it. Her expression stayed neutral so that he was unable to read her. "I haven't turned the keys in yet, I could still unpack."

"That was my home, El." Olivia's response wasn't surprising, but the emotion in it was.

"I know and maybe I jumped the gun, but Liv, did you really want to go back there? Live in that apartment, sleep in that bedroom?"

"That was my home. I really have no control over anything anymore." Elliot wondered if he'd prefer her to be angry with him. "Where will I go now? When I leave here and can go home. Where is that now?"

Elliot doubted his every instinct. He really thought he was doing what she needed and maybe what she would realize she wanted as well. "I've rented a two-bedroom not far from the one-six. Familiar, safe area. Wouldn't have to be long, just until you're on your feet again."

Olivia closed her eyes and worked to control her breathing. It was when she got overly excited or nervous that her ribs screamed at her. Ribs take forever to heal and the constant ache was frustrating, but it gave her something else to focus on.

"I haven't turned in the keys, Liv. It's not too late. I will unpack." Elliot now believed he had done wrong by Olivia and the shame colored his voice as his words came quick.

"No, it's okay, El. I don't want to go back to my apartment. It would be...I would always...I...I'm tired." Olivia turned her head toward Elliot but still refused to open her eyes. "Could you stay, just for a little while?"

Her request was clear and he heard it loud. She knew what she wanted from him, even if only for this moment and she had told him. He pulled his chair close to her bed, letting her know he would stay as long as she needed or wanted him to. He let his fingers gently run the length of her arm. Just a little contact to let her know that he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

"Got a minute?" Grace was surprised to see Alex Cabot's door wide open as she knocked a few times despite the ADA seeing her approach.

"Of course, come in." Alex returned to her chair behind her desk and invited Grace to have a seat as well. "How's it going with Sara?"

The defeated look gave away the lack of progress and Grace's verbal answer only supplemental. "She's refusing and I really don't think she cares."

"She's terrified, surely you see that." Alex seemed surprised to think that maybe Grace was so involved that she was missing the obvious.

"I know she is. It's my job to get her past that or at least work around it." Grace let out a long sigh before continuing. "She seems content to stay put at Beacon the rest of her sentence, which is life, but Beacon isn't designed for that. I'm afraid if she doesn't go to trial they will eventually move her back to a maximum facility and Alex, that girl doesn't deserve that kind of life."

Alex removed her glasses and the professional attitude that she so often displayed while wearing them was removed as well. "What is she afraid of, do you think? The trial itself? The results? Telling her story?"

"I believe all of it." Grace was asking for help and Alex realized her request from the moment she walked in.

"They are going to go at her hard, Grace. Understand? The state has already convicted her and sentenced her for the murder of her father. Langan is challenging them and they don't want to look incompetent in any way." Alex studied Grace and when she was satisfied that Grace did understand completely, she continued. "She will have to tell her story from beginning to end. In detail. Langan would not take this if he didn't think he stood a better than excellent chance at winning it."

"I agree. I believe we can win this and I believe Sara will have a chance at the life she deserves." Grace got to her feet then and the strength she possessed just in her stance alone impressed Alex. "I can get her ready, I am confident about that. She just has to want to fight for herself and I really don't know if she will."

"Has she opened up at all to you?" Alex stood as well taking a few steps toward Grace. "Given you anything to work with?"

Grace stared hard at Alex, suddenly realizing Alex was well aware of what Sara needed. Grace knew as well but was quickly accepting that they would have to go another route due to Olivia's present condition. "She has asked to see Olivia."

Alex raised her eyebrow. "Then get Olivia there."

"Olivia's not ready for that. She has already declined and emotionally she is too all over the place right now. I believe she wants more than anything to help Sara, but she's doubting herself." Grace paused realizing Alex wanted her to continue. "She thinks Sara looks at her like she did when Sara was a child. Olivia rescued that girl from her father, gave her at least a chance. Now she's afraid Sara sees her as a victim and she believes she has no ability to help her because of that."

"It may be a good thing if Sara looks at Olivia like she did when Olivia helped her before. Olivia doesn't give up on victims, especially children." Alex smiled just a little. "I bet she hasn't given up on Sara at all."

Alex headed toward the doorway and Grace took that as her cue to go. She understood what Alex was saying clearly, yet she questioned the confident prosecutor.

"Langan is working overtime on this. The emergency hearing already granted him the trial. He's got it on the books for the end of the week." Alex shook her head at the fact that Langan had so much pull. "I will talk to Olivia. Can you get her out of Bellevue on a pass or something to at least talk to Sara?"

"I can do that. Are you sure she'll go? She'll have to come to the prison." Grace hated the thought of subjecting Olivia to the sights and sounds of yet another prison.

"Not sure of much, Miss Mills. However, I have no doubt Olivia Benson will not give up on this girl."

Olivia watched the time move from minute to minute on the face clock high on the wall. Her thoughts were of Elliot and the shooting in the squad room. How she would have done anything then just to hear his voice, just to know he was okay. He was lost and she couldn't find him, couldn't reach him. She let herself go back to that night, in her apartment, in her bedroom. She could see herself pull his name up on the screen of her phone and she could feel how much she wanted to hear from him. She knew even then that his refusing her call, that call, would be too much for her as she instead opted to dial 911.

The soft knocking and entrance of Nancy, her evening nurse, was a welcomed distraction. Even more welcomed was the sight of Alex as she followed in closely behind the seemingly rushed nurse. "You have a visitor, but let me remind you visiting hours are over very shortly. No extensions."

Alex waited until Nancy was gone and the door closed before turning to face Olivia. "Wow, she's..."

"Great." Olivia smiled at her close friend. "She won't be back for awhile even though visiting hours are actually over now." Olivia looked up at the clock.

"She's got a soft spot for you, I see." Alex smiled down at Olivia as she reached for her hand.

"I think she's afraid of me, she was here when Elliot and I would have to come in. You know the gun, the badge..."

"The attitude, the impatience and the tough talk." Alex loved that Olivia seemed at least a little relaxed. "How are you, Liv?"

Olivia missed Alex and was glad for the time with her now. "I'm going to be okay."

Alex watched as Olivia seemed to doubt her own words; she said them now would have to prove them.

"I have no doubt about that. You're so strong, Olivia. So brave." Alex couldn't help the single tear that escaped as she looked Olivia in the eyes.

"I'm done, Alex. My career. It's over." Olivia statement was just that, and the lack of feeling in her words concerned Alex some. Alex had known this from the moment she got the call, wondering if Olivia ever thought she would return to the one-six.

"Somehow I don't believe you'll ever be done. It's not you. It's not what you're made of." Alex wiped her face, suddenly embarrassed for her emotions. "You'll find another avenue. Another way to be Olivia Benson."

Olivia's eyes locked onto Alex's then and both women knew where this conversation was headed. "I can't do it, Lex. I can't."

"Why? That girl needs you, Liv."

"I know. I know she does, but look at me!" Olivia took a deep breath to control her emotions only to lose against the pain that action caused. "What can I possibly say to that girl that will make her want to relive her nightmare?"

"Nothing you can say will make her want to tell her story. I get that, Liv. She has a life waiting for her, yet another chance and she deserves it." Alex knew how torn Olivia was but she also knew she was getting in. "She's doesn't believe she's strong enough to fight for it though. That's where she needs you, Olivia." 

"I owe her. She saved my life and I owe her, I get it. I am in no position to help her now." Olivia lost her fight against her emotions then and Alex hated that she still suffered so.

"Sara doesn't see it that way, Liv. She sees it as you saved her life years ago and the opportunity to help you was there. She took it." Alex spoke softly letting her words sink in as she spoke each one. "That girl isn't asking for anything, except to see you. Never would I believe Olivia Benson would turn her back on a child that needed her."

The silence that filled the room was nearly suffocating and Alex finally stood assuming Olivia was done. She was brought back by her friend's wavering voice.

"Where is she now?"

"Beacon Correctional Facility."

Olivia knew that prison was not far from where Bellevue was located. Sara was close and in a much better environment. "I would have to go there?"

"Yes."

"They won't let me out of here for at least a couple more weeks. When is her trial?"

"Langan is pushing for the end of this week, beginning of next." Alex walked back so that she was close to Olivia. "Tell me you'll talk to her and we will make the rest happen."

Olivia stared at Alex, but gave nothing away. "Liv, do you remember asking me to help Sara?"

The slight nod Olivia offered encouraged Alex to continue.

"I want to help her and I am. We all are. It's up to her now." Alex's voice was both comforting and demanding. "She needs you, Olivia."

Olivia closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears. She was both relieved and pissed as Nancy barged into the room announcing that visiting hours were over. She felt Alex walk away and the sudden panic forced Olivia to sit up.

"Alex...I need to see her as well." Olivia watched the relief wash over her friend's face. "I will go and talk to her."


	35. Chapter 35

Fighting to Survive Chapter 35

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

The sun was exceptionally bright and Olivia was wishing for her sunglasses as she took a few minutes to just listen to New York. Her balance was good and she was proud of her progress concerning her mobility, yet she knew better than to try much more than just standing without the crutches. Her leg was healing, but the cast was heavy and with her mind even heavier she knew her balance was a priority.

"There really is no rush, Olivia." Grace was careful as she approached with the set of crutches. She had managed to see the way Olivia refused to let her eyes fall on the building in front of her. She also knew Olivia was forcing herself to deal with much more than maybe she was ready for.

The slight smile Olivia offered as she reached for the crutches was enough for Grace as she patiently waited for Olivia to begin the journey into Beacon. Grace knew Olivia was nervous, she could actually hear her breathing over the mid morning breeze that managed to blow Olivia's hair into her face. Grace wasn't surprised that Olivia didn't seem to mind. In fact, she seemed to appreciate the cover and disguise it provided. "I've heard good things about Beacon."

"It is still prison, but the accommodations are better." Grace watched as Olivia shook the hair from her face to look Grace in the eye. "Less violence. These women are working toward their freedom."

Olivia glanced up at the building, seeming to accept Grace's description of the place. It was a few more seconds before she began to make her way to the gates. It was a longer walk than it had first appeared, and Olivia refused to stop until they were where they needed to be, her ribs keeping score for each step she took.

Olivia worked to control her nerves as she and Grace entered the prison, the distinct smells and sounds immediately flooding her senses. Grace was right, Beacon was better but it was unmistakably still a prison. Olivia stood back and waited while Grace handled the formalities granting her and Olivia both access. She was surprised at how professional, yet caring the officers seemed to be.

Grace glanced at Olivia as they were instructed to follow another officer to the visiting area. She wasn't sure of the expression Olivia wore but was fairly certain she was struggling. She grabbed hold of one of Olivia's crutches, causing both of them to stop and the officer to turn as well. "I think the pace here may be a little fast." Grace motioned to Olivia's leg and the officer said nothing but stood patiently waiting for the go ahead.

Olivia shook her head at Grace and they were then escorted into a small room set aside for family visits. The children's books and the few toys in the corner were a nice touch and Olivia found it just a little easier to relax. "You doing okay?" Grace's voiced announced the fact that they had been left alone to wait. "Your arms have got to be killing you by now."

"Ribs. Take forever to heal." Olivia's voice shook when she spoke and Grace knew small talk may not be enough for her right now.

"Olivia, I know this is tough. It takes an incredible amount of courage to come back to a prison after what you've been through." Grace had seen the way Olivia's eyes continuously scanned as they walked.

Olivia continued to take in everything in the room, almost as if ignoring Grace's comment. After a quiet few minutes, Grace realized Olivia wasn't ignoring her at all. "I'm okay. I'm...okay."

Grace smiled when Olivia attempted to and they both knew that Olivia was not okay. "I'm going to head out now. I'll be just outside the room." Grace was suddenly nervous at how Olivia would react to seeing Sara again. Would she see her as that little girl she helped, or that fellow inmate that saved her life? "You tell me when you're done. Your show. Olivia?"

Olivia nodded that she heard Grace and that she understood. She watched as Grace reluctantly turned to leave. "It'll be fine, Grace."

Olivia sat on the table, not trusting herself to get up and down from the chairs that were provided. The sound of her crutches crashing onto the tiled floor caused her to jump slightly and she wondered if she would ever be able to relax completely again.

Nearly twenty minutes had passed before Grace saw Sara being escorted toward her, toward the room set aside for her visit. Grace was pleased to see that Sara was not restrained in any way, walking without any contact from the female officer who was responsible to transport her. Sara stopped when she made it to where Grace was, raising her eyes to meet the those of the taller woman.

"Miss Mills, I know you came all the way out here, but I haven't changed my mind." Sara's eyes matched her words and Grace finally got the full effect of the hollow, empty description Elliot had given her about a soul less child.

Grace took a few moments to search the young woman's eyes, suddenly doubting her strategy. She knew Olivia was good at what she did, but she worried that Sara may now be unreachable. "You asked me if it would be possible for you to see Olivia. She is here, Sara. To see you."

Sara showed no emotion, not even bothering to look toward the room Grace pointed to. Grace was impressed by how good Sara was at this survival tactic, but she saw the uncomfortable shift in the girl's posture. Sara's gaze only shifted from Grace when she was gently pulled by the arm toward the room. She kept her head down as the door was opened. Grace was confused as to her behavior, wondering if she hadn't changed her mind about wanting to see Olivia.

Olivia looked up when the door was opened, her eyes immediately finding Sara's as she was gently nudged forward. Sara turned as the door was closed behind the leaving guard only to then return her attention to Olivia. "I didn't think you'd come."

"I was told you asked for me." Olivia didn't move from her position on the table, instead waiting for Sara to respond.

"I wanted to see for myself that you were okay." Sara kept her voice low and Olivia instantly recognized why. It was easier to control the emotion in it that way, they both did it.

"I will be. It's going to take some time." Olivia watched Sara carefully, reading her, never judging her. "How about you? Are you doing okay?"

"I like it here, I guess." Sara started a smile, realizing how crazy that must have sounded. "It's not like Taconic at all."

Olivia nodded slightly, watching how Sara transferred her weight from one foot to the other. "You knew who I was right away, didn't you? Yet you never let on."

"They would've killed you if they found out you were a cop." Sara took a few steps toward Olivia before continuing. "You were in a bad way anyway, I could see that."

Olivia forced herself to her feet, glancing at the crutches but quickly finding Sara's eyes again. "Thank you, Sara."

"Harvey was going to kill you. I couldn't let that happen." Sara took a few more steps closer to Olivia. "You didn't deserve the way they treated you in there."

Olivia studied the bruising that was still very present on Sara's face and arms. She watched as Sara struggled to hold eye contact, often preferring to look at the floor. Olivia didn't trust her balance enough to move away from the table, but she wanted to go to Sara. Despite the harsh, hard life she had been forced to live, she still held such a youthful appearance. Olivia's memory of Sara as a child was very vivid and she couldn't help but recall how she held her and promised her things would be okay. Things obviously had not been okay for Sara over the years and Olivia wondered if Sara blamed her at all for pulling her away from her father to begin with.

"Sara?" Sara looked up at Olivia's request. "Come here."

There was no hesitation as Sara took the last few steps, letting herself fall against Olivia. In many ways, Sara was still that same young girl, still that same child with the haunting eyes. Olivia let her arms wrap around Sara, allowing the younger woman to rest her head against her chest. She would hold her until Sara was ready to let go. Olivia knew she couldn't do much more for her than that right now, but she could feel Sara relax slightly as she let her hand rest gently against her head. Olivia rested her chin on the top of Sara's head when it was evident Sara was in no hurry to let go. Neither woman spoke, there really was no need.

Grace watched the interaction between Sara and Olivia through the window. She ignored the tightness that formed in her chest just from watching how Sara responded to Olivia. Grace was now confident that if there was still a chance to reach Sara, Olivia would be the one to do it. Olivia locked eyes with Grace through the window, yet made no move to let go of Sara. Grace held her gaze for a few moments before Olivia closed her eyes. She knew what Olivia was doing. Grace knew she was letting them both have this moment. Grace knew Olivia was well aware of the task that was ahead of her. And Grace knew that Olivia would do whatever she could to get Sara to agree to fight for herself. Grace could see the physical pain that Olivia ignored as she held Sara. Olivia looked strong as she held Sara against her and Grace wondered if Olivia had any idea of the strength she possessed.

As Sara slowly began to pull away, Olivia took a chance. "Will you talk to me, Sara?"

Sara backed away from Olivia, never taking her eyes from her. She found the chair with her hand and slowly lowered herself into it. She expertly hid any emotion as well as disguised the pain that slowed her movements. Olivia maneuvered herself around so that she could sit as well, pulling the other chair close to Sara.

"I don't even know what to call you. You're not a detective anymore I'm guessing."

"Olivia is fine."

"I kept to myself, mostly. Sometimes it was safer that way, mostly it wasn't." Sara watched her fingers as they seemed to move without her permission against the table as she talked. "I wouldn't win either way at Taconic, you know. I was too young, too small, too something to everybody there."

Olivia nodded, leaving Sara to say what she wanted, what she needed. She knew it was best to let Sara lead the conversation and she would just follow the route she set.

"I saw you come in, your first day. I recognized you right away." Sara glanced up at Olivia then, waiting for a response, satisfied enough when there wasn't one. "I was scared for you because they all hate cops and if they found out you were one, they would kill you. But I'm sure you knew that."

"I did." Olivia was careful not to move too much for fear of disrupting Sara's train of thought.

"I saw you fight and I didn't worry as much. Even Sally was scared of you and she wasn't scared of anybody." Sara smiled a little then and Olivia was glad to see it even if it brought up that scene in her head. "You didn't recognize me, did you Detective Benson? You knew me, I think, you weren't sure though."

"It's been a few years, Sara, but I noticed you." Olivia stared into Sara's eyes, easily trapped by the cool shade of them, much like she was at Taconic, much like she was years ago.

"You knew I knew who you were. That you were a cop. You were worried, I think. No?" Sara wanted a reply and that much was evident to Olivia.

"I was."

"I would never do that to you."

"I know." Olivia couldn't make herself look away as Sara began to search her eyes. She was looking for something and Olivia would wait until she found it or asked.

"You're here to talk me into going to trial again, aren't you?" Sara's demeanor began to harden and Olivia recognized the tactic.

"I'm not here to talk you into anything. You wanted to see me, you asked for me." Olivia kept her voice soft and controlled. She couldn't lose Sara's trust now. "I wanted to see you, to thank you. Sara, I know you saved my life. I know Harvey would not have stopped. I know how hurt you were, yet you found it in you to continue fighting...for me. You asked to see me, so I'm here."

"You don't owe me anything." Sara's fa-sad was just that and Olivia knew she wouldn't call her on it.

"Nor do you owe me." Olivia took a chance by placing her hand on top of Sara's, stilling her nervous movements. "I do have a question for you though."

Sara looked up at Olivia, giving the silent permission to ask.

"You fought plenty, I'm sure while at Taconic. You fought the inmates, the guards." Olivia used her fingers to turn Sara's face slightly to let the girl know that it was obvious the bruises she wore today were from the guards at Taconic. "You fought for me."

Sara shook Olivia's hand away, but kept her eyes trained on the older woman.

"Sara, explain to me. Why won't you fight for yourself now?"

"Why didn't you? You were raped, no? You killed your attacker? Why did you end up in prison? You were a cop, a detective a long time. Why didn't they fight for you? Why didn't you?" Sara spoke quickly, her voice gaining volume until she finished.

Olivia felt the sting of every question as she knew she would take whatever Sara had for her. The silence that followed gave Olivia time to breathe, but made Sara that much more nervous. Olivia refused to lose Sara now and realized she did owe her at least this. "I was raped, yes. He was a man I was seeing. It was horrible, it was brutal and he hurt me bad." Olivia fought to keep her voice steady as she spoke.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to say anymore." Sara's voice cracked, but Olivia calmed her with a simple look.

"I shot him in the head after the attack. I had managed to knock him unconscious, which gave me other options, but I chose to shoot him." Olivia took a deep breath. "If I had gone to trial, I may not have been found guilty due to the circumstances, but I may have been given life. An involuntary manslaughter plea gave me two years...I took it."

"You could've won, Olivia. You were the police, didn't that mean anything?" Sara hated what she had heard and struggled to keep her composure.

"It meant I had other options, Sara. I knew the law, I knew procedure and I knew better than to shoot an unconscious man. Going to trial would have been a huge risk for me. It's not like that for you though." Olivia gave Sara the time she obviously needed to process all she had just heard.

"I like it here, Olivia. Nobody bothers me, I can keep to myself. I like to read, escape for a while in a book." Sara once again concentrated on her fingers.

"You're so young, Sara. There's still time to have a wonderful life, maybe live some of those stories you read in those books."

"Miss Mills says I will have to tell my story at the trial. The judge will want to hear what happened to me. Why I would kill my father like I did. I don't want to do it, Olivia. I'm okay here, it's not so bad." Sara pleaded with Olivia to see things the way she did.

Olivia took both of Sara's hands in her own, forcing the young woman to look her in the eye. "Sara, you're afraid, I get that. You're afraid of reliving it, only this time in front of others. I understand. Living here at Beacon is not your fate. It doesn't have to be."

"He went to prison. You arrested him, I remember. He went to prison and I went to live with strangers. I was doing okay, Olivia. I was." Sara couldn't help the tears that formed and she soon gave up against hiding any emotion. "He got out and came looking for me. He was so angry at me and he raped me. This time I wasn't his little girl, I was nobody to him."

"Sara..."

"I killed him. Like you, Olivia. I didn't have to, but I did. I am doing okay now. He will never hurt me again. He can't ever hurt me again." Sara's words were barely audible as the tears flowed silently down her bruised face.

"Sara, you did what you had to do. I understand, maybe better than anybody." Olivia carefully wiped the tears from Sara's face. "Sending Richard to prison wouldn't have healed me, no more than sending your father back would've done for you. Healing begins when somebody bears witness. I see you, Sara. I feel you."

Sara stared into Olivia's eyes, blinking away the stray tears as they appeared.

"I didn't go to trial, I didn't face the judge, the jury, my attacker. I am not sure I can sit here and tell you if given the chance I wouldn't do the same thing all over again. I am not sorry for shooting my rapist, I'm not Sara. Trevor Langan did right by me, Grace Mills did right by me and my friends continue to fight for me, but there is only so much they can do. At some point I will have to fight for myself." Olivia used her hands to swipe at her own tears as they began without any warning. "That's where you are now. You survived Taconic. Trevor Langan got you here, he is fighting for you, Sara. Langan wouldn't take this case if he didn't feel he could win it. Grace wouldn't be here if she didn't feel you were worth it. Let them help you, Sara. Let them give you that life you so deserve."

"I can't. I don't know how to be in the real world. I am scared of everything, everyone." Sara's tone was pleading and Olivia felt her fear through her own body.

"I've seen some monsters during my career. I've seen some things that make you wonder if God exists. I have questions of my own, Sara, but that's not all life is. There's so much more out there, you just have to be strong enough to fight for it." Olivia searched Sara's eyes to see if she was at all receptive to what she was saying to her. "I've never met anybody as strong as you, not during my career, not during my life."

Sara started to speak, only to stop. The frustration was evident in her features and Olivia felt her confusion.

"Talk to me, Sara."

"I remember when my mother was killed. I remember how alone I felt, how scared I was all the time." Sara stood when the door opened revealing the officer that had brought her to Olivia. "That feeling has never gone away, I've just learned to live with it. I remembered you, Detective Benson. You didn't forget me and came back for me. My father was hurting me and I never said anything, but you knew and you came back for me. I owe you."

"I fought for you then and you fought for me now. You don't owe me anything." Olivia took Sara by the arms, turning her so that she could only look into her eyes. "You do owe yourself. You owe it to yourself to fight, Sara. To fight for a future. You won't do this alone, I can promise you that."

Sara's eyes locked onto Olivia's until the officer gently pulled her from Olivia's grasp. The slight nod of Sara's head wasn't missed by Olivia as Sara was led from the room. Grace entered in time to see Olivia sink back down to her original position on the table.

Grace bent to grab the crutches, offering them to Olivia without a word. She then sat down in the chair that Sara had vacated. She watched Olivia carefully as she took the few minutes to prepare herself for the walk out of Beacon.

"That girl is so strong and she doesn't have any clue." Olivia looked up at the ceiling before shooting a glance at Grace. "I'm not so sure I would've been able to tell what happened to me in front of a judge...jury."

"I believe you would have been ready. There are people that are there to fight for you when you can't and then to support you when you can." Grace let the silence linger before continuing. "I will have her ready, Olivia. I will take care of her."

Olivia turned then to face Grace. "I know you will, I am counting on that. I need to be there, Grace. I need to be in that courtroom with her when she testifies."

"Okay, Olivia. You know what you need to do. Trevor already has a date, he doesn't waste any time, and therefore neither can we."

Olivia looked at her watch before standing, she then carefully aligned the crutches so that her body weight was supported. Grace saw but wouldn't comment at the pained expression Olivia wore as she began walking with the aid of the crutches. "I need to get back. Sessions start in an hour."

Grace could only smile inside as she escorted Olivia from Beacon Correctional Facility. The strength and determination that was Olivia Benson leading the way from the prison. Olivia walked with a purpose despite the pain she disguised. Grace was fortunate enough to not really know, but she heard that healing ribs were a bitch.


	36. Chapter 36

Fighting to Survive Chapter 36

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Grace Ann Mills knew she had a difficult job ahead of her. She knew preparing Sara for trial would have the usual challenges as well as the unexpected ones. She knew time was not on her side and that alone would be their biggest obstacle. Grace couldn't help but view Sara's upcoming trial as possibly the biggest case of her career and she was worried. Her reputation nowhere near as much a factor as the emotional impact of anything other than a victory for Sara would be.

Trevor had warned her early in her career about the dangers of becoming too emotionally involved. Her job was to get into the heads of the victims she was entrusted with to prepare them for trial. To prepare them, but not to cure them. She was to remain objective and by doing so had the ability to see things from the outside in. Trevor warned her not to let them into her heart. If you carry their pain, you will feel it and therefore you are in no better position to fight than they are. Trevor often spoke without compassion, but his tactics were rarely questioned.

Grace knew it was too late. Too late to heed Trevor's advice. She not only carried Sara's pain, but Olivia's as well. It was impossible not to feel connected to both women as they both fought for their future. The fact that Grace was realizing the depth of her feelings for Sara had her questioning her abilities, but the connection she witnessed between Sara and Olivia was powerful enough to make her fight against her doubts and Trevor's strong warnings.

This case was different. While the circumstances were similar to many others as far as the crime committed, Grace knew she had a specific tool that if used properly could make all the difference in the world for Sara.

"How long have you been here?" Olivia's seemed apologetic but not surprised to see Grace in her room.

"Not long." Grace lied, she would wait all day if it meant Olivia was getting the help she needed.

"I figured I needed to be a little more aggressive with my therapy; it was suggested I attend more sessions, participate more." Olivia smiled which surprised but pleased Grace. "You know... my name's Olivia and I'm a rape victim."

Grace could hear how tough the sessions were for Olivia. She could hear how Olivia was fighting not only for herself but for the chance of being released in time for Sara's trial. "The more you participate the better your progress. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that."

Olivia thought about where she was when she had first met Grace. It seemed like only yesterday in some aspects but almost a lifetime ago in others. It was only yesterday that Grace had accompanied her to Beacon and Olivia had been to every available group session since. She had met with her personal psychiatrist as well in hopes of convincing him she could be ready for release in a week. Olivia let out a loud sigh at Grace's comment. "Have you had a chance to meet with Sara since yesterday?"

"I'm heading there in a bit. I really wanted to meet with you first." Grace hesitated, wondering if Olivia was really where she claimed to be emotionally. "I need your help, Olivia."

Olivia pulled up a second chair, easily picking up on the pleading tone of Grace's usually confident, compassionate voice. "I really don't know what else I can do."

"Olivia, Sara isn't asking for anything. She didn't ask for or even want this trial. All she asked for was the chance to see you." Grace noticed how Olivia kept eye contact with her while she talked. "We got her out of Taconic and she was able to visit with you...I have her trust."

"I don't understand." Olivia was clearly confused as to what Grace was asking of her.

Grace was nervous and that alone worried Olivia. "I can't let her down. She trusts me, Olivia."

Olivia could feel how much Grace cared about Sara and Grace's sudden doubts were unnerving at best. "I thought you said it looked good for her. That Langan said she had a good shot at beating that murder one rap."

"If she is convincing on the stand. If the jury believes her actions to be based on her traumatic past." Grace got to her feet, forcing herself to regain her composure. "If I can get her to be believable when she didn't want to do this in the first place."

Olivia watched Grace as she slowly walked around the tiny room. The air was heavy and neither woman spoke for fear of disrupting the silence. Grace found her way back to the chair she had waited for Olivia in and quietly took a seat again. "She just has to tell her story; she'll be believable." Olivia's voice was barely more than a whisper.

"Do you think she will, Olivia? I mean do you think she will share with a jury what she has already accepted and buried?" Grace feared Sara would change her mind and that was her right, but Grace couldn't allow that. Not now that she carried her pain, felt her fight.

"Sara hasn't buried anything. Look in her eyes, Grace. Look past the distant, guarded stare. Ignore the way it seems she is looking through you, she sees you clearly. If she trusts you, she'll talk to you through those eyes." Olivia spoke quickly, realizing how easy it was to misjudge Sara. "Please don't give up on her."

"I could never give up on her." Grace stood when Olivia did. "How far do I push, Olivia? She's got what we call a strong fragility; it can be very deceiving. In fact, she is a lot like you in that respect."

Olivia stared at Grace wondering if the title fit and she supposed it did to a point. "Push until she is cleared. She deserves somebody in her corner. She deserves to have somebody go to bat for her."

Grace smiled at Olivia knowing that's exactly what she did when Sara was a child, when she needed her during the riot and now when her future was on the line. "A week, Olivia. That's all we get and she is going to ask me if you will be there."

"Tell her I will be." Olivia spoke with a borrowed confidence. Grace wished she could do more for Olivia than she was doing and it seemed Olivia read her mind. "I'm trying, Grace. I really am."

"I know you are. I know." Grace walked out of the room, her mind on her upcoming visit with Sara. She had less than a week to have Sara ready and there was no time to doubt her abilities now.

Nick stood as Grace made her way toward him. "They told me you were with Olivia and that I should wait."

Grace could see how anxious Nick was about seeing his partner having not even as much as talked to her since that night in her apartment. "She's doing well. Making progress but there's still a long road ahead. Her moods change without notice, so just be aware of that."

"Do you think it's too soon to visit?" Nick reacted quickly as Grace began to walk away.

"I think you've waited long enough." Grace's smile was just enough to calm Nick as he seemed to accept Grace's answer. "She knows you're coming and will meet you in the family conference room."

Nick watched Grace walk away, he assumed she was headed to meet with Sara. He wondered if she ever slept for she seemed to be everywhere all the time. Nick proceeded to the cozy little room where he felt at least a little more comfortable. He then admitted to himself there was nothing comfortable about being here and there would be nothing comfortable about seeing Olivia again.

Olivia entered the room and Nick realized he was wrong for deciding nothing would be comfortable. Her smile before she dropped her eyes was more than enough to reassure him that it was the right time for him to visit. He missed her smile. "I met Stabler. How did you ever work with that guy?"

Olivia smiled again as she watched how nervous Nick seemed. "I heard you found him...thank you." Olivia's voiced trailed off and it wasn't long before she was struggling to keep eye contact.

"Sure." Nick's tone pulled Olivia's attention back to him. "I met Sara too."

Olivia nodded, giving Nick the floor.

"I want to help her, Liv. I mean she's a good girl, doesn't belong in prison." Olivia listened carefully to Nick as he talked. She remembered how his accent always thickened when he felt strongly about something.

"Grace will help her. She'll help get her ready, but in reality it has to be Sara." Olivia shrugged keeping eye contact with Nick. "It just has to be."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Nick listened to Olivia speak, her tone changing with her words. "I'm sorry, Olivia. Sorry for what happened to you. I wish..."

"Stop." Olivia's abrupt response cut Nick off in mid-sentence, quite possibly a relief to them both. "I'll be okay. I mean, I'm not in prison so it can only get better from here, right?"

"Yeah, right." Nick shook his head, his gaze falling to the floor. He fought against the image he had of Olivia beaten, raped, broken. "How did you do this for so long? This job, the victims, the sick monsters that never go away? I gotta tell ya, Liv, I don't know if this is for me."

"Maybe it's not. Special Victims isn't for everybody, the average life of a SVU detective is only two to three years. It often becomes too much and usually it's one particular victim that makes you question if your time is up." Olivia watched as Nick absorbed her words, realizing his reaction to them was not what she was looking for.

"One particular victim. Olivia, I saw my one particular victim." Nick struggled to look at Olivia. He knew she was his one victim and the guilt was quick to consume her.

"I'm sorry, Nick." Olivia truly was at a loss for words and Nick scrambled to put them both back on level ground.

"Then there's Sara and I feel as though this is what I'm meant to do." Nick felt at least a little relief as Olivia believed how he cared for Sara.

"I fought, Nick. I did. He took my gun when I returned home from the bar. I didn't hear him...sense him there and he was on me..."

"No, Olivia. I don't need to know what happened. He's dead, I'm okay with that." Nick could hear the pain in Olivia's voice and hated that he seemed to be the cause of it.

"I should've cuffed him, you know. I knocked him out and he was unconscious. I should've cuffed him." Olivia was instantly back in her apartment and the scene in her head was very real.

"Liv, please, don't. It's okay." Nick moved closer, reaching for her hand.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I'm sure it was terrible for you."

"Olivia, please don't do this. I came because I wanted you to know that I support you. I am not Stabler, okay, I get that." Nick swallowed hard, giving Olivia a chance to process what he was saying. "I may be a bit naïve to the horrors of this division, but it doesn't change how I look at my partner. I don't look at you any different. I could never see you any different than Benson. Detective Benson."

Olivia stared into Nick's dark eyes, catching the way his jaw clenched with each breath. She only nodded, motioning toward the chairs that seemed inviting.

"When do you get that off?" Nick watched as Olivia was becoming quite good at maneuvering around with and without the crutches.

"At least a few more weeks. If I'm lucky." Olivia shook her head as she stared at the cast. "It's heavy."

Nick caught her play on words, but let the following silence be his response. He kept his eyes on Olivia's face so that he was looking at her when her eyes found his again. "You look good, Liv."

Nick Amaro had a warmth to his voice that Olivia barely recognized before and never appreciated more than now. "The victims, Nick, they will get to you sometimes. Make your heart bleed, you know." Olivia paused, her eyes losing the shine they had when she first arrived in the room. "Then there are those that make you fight for them...for yourself. Those that stay with you, that get in."

"Sara." Nick spoke her name and Olivia's slight nod was enough. "We're all fighting for her Liv...and for you. All of us."

"Can you just sit for a while? Maybe tell me how it's been going? I'd love to just talk shop, you know?" Olivia carefully watched Nick as he seemed to finally relax. "Sure. Fin's a pain in the ass. Moody."

The smile that Olivia responded with was enough to encourage Nick to continue. She just wanted to hear him talk, really didn't matter about what.

Grace waited for Sara to be escorted into the small meeting room. Beacon was such a better place and even the lawyers were given the utmost courtesy. Grace flipped through the paperwork on Sara's recent arrest for the murder of her father. She once again ran through the court transcripts. The words on paper hadn't changed but Grace's desire to free Sara only got stronger each time she read how nobody helped this girl. Grace pulled her glasses to the top of her head so that she could rub her eyes. The words were becoming a blur as she realized no amount of reading would help her prepare Sara. Olivia said to read Sara and that was what she intended to do as she packed away her paperwork.

The door opened, revealing Sara uncuffed and surprisingly relaxed. She was escorted to the small table where she was instructed to sit. "Take as much time as you need." The officer smiled at Grace before turning to leave the room.

"They're friendly here. I like it much better." Sara's voice held a relaxed quality that Grace had yet to hear from her.

"It is still prison, Sara. It's just not Taconic." Grace was suddenly alarmed when she realized Sara was content to stay here at Beacon, her fear of the unknown and the possibility she would be granted her freedom out into it enough to keep her hesitant to try. "Sara, do you trust me?"

Sara's slight nod was all Grace got and she waited to see if Sara would want to direct the conversation. It was evident that Sara was content to sit quietly, stalling for she was well aware of the purpose for Grace's visit.

"Sara?" Grace forced herself not to react when Sara looked up at her. Her eyes held a hollow glare that Olivia had warned her to look past. Grace made a mental note on how Sara was able to shift so easily, a defensive tactic that made Grace wonder if Sara hadn't used it her entire life to protect. "I am here to talk to you, to hear you and to help you. I have nowhere else to be today or tomorrow for that matter and am willing to do whatever I possibly can to get you out of here. You deserve a life outside of prison and I intend to help you get there."

Sara kept her gaze locked on Grace and Grace instantly recognized how she looked through her.

"That is what you want? Sara, do you want your freedom?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry, Miss Mills. I know you are here to help, but I like it here." Sara sounded like a child but she carried a look of a woman older than her years.

"Beacon is for women working toward their freedom; their future. There is a good chance you will be sent back to a high security prison much like Taconic if you choose not to work towards yours." Grace hated the thought of Sara returning to anything remotely like Taconic, but the possibility was very real.

"I can't go back there. I can't, but..." Sara looked away from Grace.

"Talk to me, Sara. Tell me." Sara responded to Grace's soft voice and the guarded stare was instantly gone.

"I'm afraid to live out there. I don't have any family, I don't know where I'll go, I..."

"Sara, listen to me." Grace reached for the young girl's hand. "We are all fighting to get you out of here. You don't belong in prison. I know that the fight will continue should you be found not guilty and released. You won't be alone. You said you trusted me, right?"

Again, only a nod.

"Okay, one fight at a time. You will have to take the stand in your own defense. Trevor Langan is the best defense attorney in New York, but even he can only do so much. It will be up to you to prove to that jury that you killed your father as a traumatic reaction to his actions then and when you were a child. It is up to me to prove to you that you are strong enough to face not only your past and the events that landed you in prison, but a skeptical jury as well."

"Grace, I don't know..." Sara's doubt laced her every word.

"I will be confident enough for the both of us. You said you trusted me and that means a lot, Sara. I will do everything in my power to get you through this. You just have to talk to me. Tell me who you are, tell me who you were."

Sara's blank stare unnerved Grace just a bit. "I really don't know who I was. I was somebody different to everybody. My mother, my father. I didn't have many friends; I couldn't risk them finding out, you know."

Grace nodded hoping Sara would continue for she knew it was so very important for Sara to have control of this conversation. She had all day if needed to talk to Sara and she would take as much time as needed, but they did only have a week and there was so much more to cover. Still, Grace waited. Still, Sara stalled.

"Sara." Grace's soft tone once again rewarded her with the blank, hollow stare. Sara was guarded once again and Grace had to find a way to get in and stay in. "Tell me about Olivia. Tell me about when you first met her."

Sara forced her eyes back down to her hands and Grace could barely see the shift in her breathing. "She knew. Somehow, she knew." Sara looked up at Grace then, the tears forming quickly. It was when they fell freely that Sara broke Grace's heart.


	37. Chapter 37

Fighting to Survive Chapter 37

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Donald Cragen could hear the slight commotion behind the door, intentionally taking a step back so as to be better seen through the peephole. He knew once he was identified the door would be opened quickly and as expected Elliot greeted him with the beginnings of a grin. Don waited patiently until Elliot stepped aside, his wordless invitation to enter easily heard.

Elliot closed the door without breaking eye contact with his former boss; his captain. "How'd you find me?"

"I know it's hard to believe, but there was a time I was a detective. A mighty fine one at that, if I do say so myself." Cragen smiled in spite of himself and was pleased to see Elliot smile as well.

Elliot motioned to the couch where he offered the older man a seat. He opted to stand, wondering but not asking the reason for Don's visit. "She didn't seem too excited about me deciding she should move out of her old apartment."

"Well, she didn't do so well when she went back there, did she?" Cragen shook his head as he looked around at the boxes that were scattered throughout the living area. "She'll be fighting for control for a long time to come, I'm sure. Even when she has it."

Elliot nodded knowing Don understood. Understood him, understood her, understood them. "Can I get you a drink? Cold water or warm beer. Haven't exactly had a chance to grocery shop."

"How about you just talk to me, Elliot." Cragen's tone was suddenly that of a commanding officer and he could tell Elliot couldn't help but respond as his insubordinate. "I want to know where you're at. Who you are, where you're going. I want to know how you are."

The glare Elliot offered wasn't meant to intimidate or even disguise. It was just his way of communicating when he wasn't sure what to say or even how to say it. He didn't know how to tell his former captain that he felt like he was drowning. He didn't know how to explain that he felt like his heart bled just a little more each time he took a deep breath. Each time he thought of Olivia, his soon to be ex-wife, his children. Jenna. "I'm good, Cap. I just wish there was more I could do, you know?"

"What is it you feel like you should be doing?" Cragen wasn't comfortable sitting and made his way into the kitchen in search of the cold water. "I ask because I think you're doing all you can...and then some."

"It's not enough."

Cragen returned to face Elliot and the two men simply stared at one another, neither wanting to speak. Finally Don sighed announcing he of course, understood.

"Do you think she will ever forgive me?" Elliot's question had a vulnerable tint to it and he was relieved nobody else was around to hear it.

"Do you think you will ever forgive yourself?" Don threw it back in a way that made Elliot cringe. "Probably should start there."

Elliot wanted to be angry at the lack of sympathy in Cragen's voice, but he knew he had done nothing to earn sympathy from any of his colleagues and friends at the one-six.

"Are you seeing anybody? Talking to anybody about the shooting? Kathy?" Don leaned up against an empty wall, crossing his arms over his chest. "Olivia?"

"No."

"Your marriage to Kathy is coming to an end. Your partnership with Olivia has ended. Where are you, son?" Cragen's tone changed once again and Elliot felt like if he wanted to it would be okay to cry in front of this man.

Elliot began to speak only to stop before any words were formed. He ran his hands over the top of his head, letting his fingers comb through his hair. He never let his hair grow out and he was always scratching at his beard. Where was he? "Cap, I feel like if I hadn't shut Olivia out, none of this would've happened to her. I know that guilt is misplaced, but that's how I feel. You even said she was upside down."

"Why did you shut her out?" Cragen had come with a purpose, and he wasn't one to beat around the bush, at least not for too long. "Nobody understands you like she does. Nobody would've been able to help you like she could. You got scared and you ran."

"I put my partner before the job. I shot that girl because I was afraid she would've shot Olivia." Elliot's words were nearly mumbled, but Don heard him loud and clear. "She hit Sister Peg who was only inches from Liv."

"You stopped her from killing anybody else. Nobody sees it any different." Cragen took a few steps closer to his detective. "Nobody can say how they would feel in that situation, how they'd react, but you stopped her. You had to."

"I put my partner before the job...again. We couldn't go on like that. Eventually I would've gotten her killed." Elliot startled at his own anger as his voice was suddenly too loud.

"So you transfer. Ask for a change of partner. Resign from the force altogether, but you don't shut out the people you care about." Cragen was suddenly just as angry. "You will always share a bond with Olivia, it's an unbreakable bond that will always tie her to you. You never turn your back on your partner. Never."

"Your partner is your responsibility. Your partner is your lifeline. You never turn your back on your partner." Elliot closed his eyes as he spoke. He remembered those lines from day one of the academy.

Cragen took the remaining steps so that he was face to face with Elliot. "You are here now. You couldn't walk away from her when Amaro told you what had happened. Don't turn your back on her now." Don slapped Elliot's arm as he started toward the door to leave.

"Cap?" Elliot felt there was more and found himself wondering if Cragen had said all that he had come to say.

"I took the liberty to set up a meeting with the department shrink. You're expected to be there at eight a.m." Cragen turned to face Elliot before continuing. He fielded his questioning gaze, hesitating before continuing. "You want to help Olivia, then start by helping yourself. You need help son. Get it."

"How? I've left the NYPD." Elliot was confused and didn't care if it showed. "I thought you called in all your favors already."

Don stared at Elliot Stabler. He knew Elliot was emotionally wounded when he turned his papers in and he also knew his plan could backfire at any time. He was willing to take the chance, for there was no such thing as risk when it came to protecting your people. "I never turned your papers in. You've been on leave all this time and you being reinstated will have to be approved by the department. You will have to undergo a full physch evaluation which I have set up for you...tomorrow."

Elliot felt his knees weaken and found it impossible to speak.

"You are still a member of the NYPD. You are still Detective Stabler. I suggest you get straight and get back to work. I also suggest maybe a transfer. You have been in the SVU entirely too long. Tends to make a person a bit jaded." Don didn't give Elliot a chance to respond, simply turning and leaving as soon as he stated his purpose.

Grace knew Trevor wanted to ride the wave and proceed as quickly as possible, but that didn't keep her from being surprised at his early morning phone call to meet him at his office immediately. She was no stranger to early morning appointments and she was waiting when Trevor finally showed.

"We may have a potential problem." Trevor Langan was not a morning person and didn't care if it showed in his temperament. He unlocked his office door, not even offering Grace as much as a 'good morning'.

Grace knew how these things often happened and forced herself to be patient while Trevor got himself situated. She also figured this would soon be her problem due to the urgent tone in his message.

"Roland Hicks. Ever hear of him?" Trevor barely glanced up to see if Grace knew the dangerous prosecutor. She had heard of him and her stomach turned as she put two and two together. The state was fighting fire with fire, so to speak, and they would use their toughest male prosecutor to deny Sara. "He will be prosecuting."

"Okay, then we'll just have to be that much more prepared." Grace spoke with a confidence she was not feeling and found herself wondering if Trevor now had his doubts about the chance of a victory for Sara.

Trevor was finally ready to focus on Grace as he leaned back in his chair. His eyes nearly burned through her as he stared her down. "How does Hicks know that Benson was preparing to be at the trial?"

Grace was suddenly alarmed. "I don't know, Sir."

Trevor pulled a piece of paper from the bottom of the stack he had just situated on his desk. "The state plans on calling Benson to help them paint the picture of just who Sara is to the jury. They will try to have her describe her as a child and also what happened at Taconic."

"Can they do that? What relevance does Taconic have in what happened before that with her father?" Grace forced the panic down and found she couldn't sit any longer.

"None. Doesn't mean they won't try to bring it up. That's my job to prevent that." Trevor motioned with his eyes for Grace to have a seat. "Your job will be to make sure Sara is ready...with or without Olivia present."

Grace couldn't hide the defeat that crossed her features. She knew how much Sara was counting on Olivia to be there. She knew how hard Olivia was working to be there for Sara. She knew how this could set them both back. "Sara won't testify without Olivia being there. Trevor, I really don't know if I will be able to persuade her to go on the stand and I am certain Olivia won't testify against her."

"She was the detective on scene when Sara was removed from the house. They will use what seems like a good thing for us and turn it quickly. They will call her as a hostile witness." Trevor slid the paper across the desk so that Grace could read it for herself.

Grace took her time reading every word before looking up at Trevor. "She's a patient at Bellevue, in the psychiatric ward. How credible would her testimony be given that?"

"It wouldn't be and Hicks knows that. He also knows she is working to get released so as to be at the trial." Trevor reached out, taking the paper from Grace and rereading it himself. "If she is well enough to be released, even on a day pass, she is competent enough to testify."

"Damn if she does, damned is she doesn't." Grace was angry, so very angry and she had absolutely no clue how to proceed.

Trevor Langan rarely showed emotion. He wasn't about that, he was all about business and he approached this upcoming trial in the same manner he would any other. Today, though, he could feel the pressure and he knew he needed Grace more than ever to be able to stay in the game. "Olivia Benson is a very smart woman, Grace. She will understand what the prosecution is doing. The bad thing is she is used to testifying for the prosecution, not against it. I suggest you work Sara knowing Olivia will not attend. It really is too much of a risk."

Grace stood knowing her next step would be to Bellevue. She had always looked forward to seeing Olivia, irregardless of her emotional state, but this time not so much. "This is definitely a catch twenty-two."

"It's up to Benson to decide what she wants to do, but ultimately it's your call." Langan returned to his paperwork and the phone that began to ring as soon as they were finished. Grace found herself focusing on that fact and not the task at hand.

Olivia was pleased to see that she had managed to sleep through the night, just about anyway. The nightmare that had woken her was in it's beginning scenes and the relief that came from her jumping awake was huge. She had showered and was content to read while she awaited breakfast and the first of her three sessions for today. Olivia took a few minutes to watch the light through the window as it erased the shadows on the wall. She couldn't help but recognize the how symbolic that really was.

The knocking on the door only pulled her attention slightly as it was about time for the nurses to start the next shift. She turned when she realized Grace was with the nurse. Olivia hated that she insisted on reading her visitors before hearing them out. It was too early for a visit; even from Grace. "What's wrong?"

Grace smiled at the nurse as she finished what she had to do and left the two women alone. "I know it's early, Olivia, but I wanted to stop by before heading to see Sara today."

Olivia nodded, waiting but realizing Grace was going to stick to her story; at least for now. "How'd it go yesterday?"

"We have a long way to go, but we'll get there." Grace attempted a smile. "In a lot of ways, Sara is still very much a child. She is also a woman way older than her years."

Olivia nodded again. She continued to wait, continued to read Grace.

"I have never been more nervous about a trial before. I want to help this girl so bad." Grace's voice broke and Olivia realized that their roles were reversing, even if only slightly.

"You and I both know that you can only do so much. It has to be Sara. She has to decide if she's strong enough to do this." Olivia could hear herself and suddenly she felt at least a little like her old self. "I know she is, you know she is, but does she know it?"

"No, not yet." Grace quickly composed herself and caught herself staring at Olivia. Sara had said Olivia had kind eyes and she very much did.

"What is it, Grace? What's going on." Olivia wouldn't wait any longer for she knew something had happened.

Grace paced for a few seconds before standing tall in front of Olivia. She started and stopped twice, thankful for the patience Olivia showed. "Roland Hicks is prosecuting Sara's case. He is probably New York's toughest prosecutor."

"Okay and as much as I hate to admit it, Trevor Langan is probably New York's best defense attorney." Olivia could feel there was more and her stomach turned in anticipation.

"The prosecution intends to call you due to you being the detective that removed Sara from her home as a child. Trevor believes they will try to drag Taconic in and the events that transpired there." Grace watched as Olivia put the puzzle together in her head. "Murdered twice."

"I worked to get her removed from the home because she was being abused by her father. How can that be damaging to her case?" Olivia knew Grace had the answer and she suddenly realized so did she.

"The intent is to call you as a..."

"Hostile witness." Olivia did know how this all worked and suddenly found herself doubting what they were doing to Sara.

The clock seemed louder than usual and the sound of the minutes ticking away only reminded both women of how much time they didn't have. "If you remain as a patient here at Bellevue, you cannot be called. If you are released, even on a pass, you will be considered competent to testify." Grace's voice had been a source of comfort for Olivia, but the way it wavered now only caused Olivia's heart to race.

Olivia closed her eyes, only to snap them open when images of Sara as a kid invaded her memory.

"Olivia? Talk to me." Grace forced herself to be that strong sounding board for Olivia once again.

"She needs me, Grace. I saw it in her eyes. I promised her I would be there."

"I know." Grace's words were nearly whispered.

"If I go and am called to testify against her, what will that do to her?" Olivia could hear the panic in her own voice and she knew Grace was now reading her.

"You have to go, Olivia. I will have to explain all this to her. I will have to make her understand." Grace suddenly was the Grace Ann Mills that Olivia had first met. "Trust me to do that."

Olivia stared at Grace for a long few moments. "I do trust you, but maybe it's best you don't mention this to her. I don't want to give her any reason to back out."

"Olivia, are you sure. She's young yes, but she's not dumb. I don't want there to be any surprises. She trusts me right now and that is all I have to work with." Grace waited for what Olivia had to say. This was Grace's area of expertise, but it wasn't her call. Not really, or at least not like Trevor said.

"I told Sara I would be there and I will." Olivia was adamant and Grace drew strength instantly from her. "I need to talk with Alex. Can you tell her I need to see her?"

"Of course." Grace could see the fire returning in Olivia's eyes and despite what they were about to face, it felt good to see Olivia wanting to fight.

"Grace, you get Sara ready. I will have Alex get me ready." Olivia smiled then and Grace could tell it was at least somewhat forced. "Hicks may be considered the best, but Alexandra Cabot has been our ADA for years. In my opinion she's the best there is."

"How will she know what Hicks will do? What he'll ask and so forth?" Grace knew Trevor hated going up against Alexandra Cabot, but this time she would be on his side.

"She'll know and she'll be able to tell me what _not_ to say." Olivia let her head fall back against her pillows. Suddenly the good night sleep wasn't nearly enough to keep her from feeling the fatigue from the fight. She watched as Grace only nodded and turned to leave. Grace wore fatigue like a dress and Olivia couldn't help but feel for her. She wondered if she had ever known anybody quite like Grace Mills. She wondered what drove Grace. Olivia found herself not only worrying about Sara should they lose this case, but Grace as well. It was not hard to care about someone who cared so much about others.


	38. Chapter 38

Fighting to Survive Chapter 38

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Alex wondered if she had ever had such an emotional investment in a trial she wasn't officially involved in. She caught the occasional quick glance from Roland Hicks and then from Trevor Langan. Both attorneys sat confidently awaiting the arrival of the judge who was known to take his time simply to make an entrance. It was his way of commanding control of the courtroom before he even set foot in it. Alex always loved when Judge Howard Schropsky was assigned a case of hers as he was also known to favor the prosecution. Trevor kept his confident demeanor despite Judge Schropsky barely acknowledging him upon his arrival. Alex offered Trevor an encouraging nod when he glanced back at her.

She watched as Hicks analyzed the jury, a strategy most prosecutors started with. A jury of your peers wasn't always accurate and that was definitely the case today. Grace sat to the left of Sara, trying in vain to keep the young woman's attention on her and not the fact that Olivia had yet to arrive. Alex fielded Grace's questioning gaze also with an encouraging nod. Olivia said she'd be here and Alex refused to believe she had changed her mind.

Alex looked behind her at Nick and Fin before letting her gaze fall onto Cragen. He didn't seem concerned with the fact Olivia had yet to show despite the judge settling in. Alex faced the front just in time to catch Grace whisper something into Sara's ear. She was reassuring her and Alex prayed whatever she was saying would be enough to keep Sara focused with or without Olivia.

Judge Schropsky announced officially why they all gathered and Alex noticed how Sara had no response at all when he mispronounced her last name. Whether or not it was intentional was irrelevant and Sara didn't seem to care. Alex scanned the jury again, this time paying attention to the six jurors who appeared to be of Hispanic decent. The two women and four men all seemed to have a least a slight look of annoyance at the judge's lack of consideration. Alex smiled to herself as she could only score one for the defense with that one.

Roland Hicks stood at the Schropsky's suggestion to begin and faced the jury to begin his opening argument. Alex watched Grace carefully as she used whatever physical contact necessary to keep Sara still. Sara didn't seem interested at all at what they were accusing her of as she continuously turned looking for Olivia. Alex watched as Nick moved a few feet to his left so that he would be better in Sara's line of vision. He seemed to calm Sara with just a slight smile and a nod. Alex found herself wondering how this young woman who had been so traumatized by men, most notably her father, could strike a repoir with Nick Amaro that fast.

Alex turned as well as everybody else to face the back of the courtroom when the door opened wide enough for Olivia to enter, the sound of her crutches making contact with the hard courtroom floor was louder than she would've liked. Olivia immediately made eye contact with Sara, pausing just a bit to silently apologize for her tardiness. Alex couldn't help but smile at the way Elliot placed his hand on Olivia's back, the gesture just enough to get Olivia moving. It was only a few seconds more before Olivia had taken a seat next to her and Alex reached for her hand, squeezing it once.

Schropsky was clearly irritated at the interruption as he called for order in a courtroom that was clearly not out of order. Roland Hicks began his argument over again, while Sara seemed to have a conversation with Olivia simply through their eyes. Alex watched, careful not to interrupt for it was clear that Olivia's presence was Sara's calming tactic.

Trevor Langan stood once Roland Hicks returned to his seat. His quick glance toward Alex and Olivia did not go unnoticed by either woman as he walked the few feet so that he was standing just on the other side of the waist level wall that separated him from the jury. Alex paid close attention to how Trevor defined what he would be defending. He spoke to them all, but he made sure he held eye contact longer with each Hispanic juror and he emphasized the correct pronunciation of Sara's last name. Alex knew then that Langan had picked up on the possible advantage and immediately tried to capitalize.

Roland Hicks also picked up on the mistake from the prosecution favoring judge but could only watch and listen to the way Langan worked it to benefit the defense. Alex watched as Hicks instantly seemed agitated and she knew that could result in an even bigger advantage for the defense. Langan also picked up on the slight frustration of the top notched prosecutor and intentionally dragged out his opening argument to keep Hicks off the field so to speak. Alex hated having to go up against Langan, but today she was loving watching him play.

Alex wished Trevor would show at least some compassion for Sara as he returned to his seat and immediately buried his nose into his notes. He rarely showed any emotion and the way he conducted himself today was no different than he had done in the past. Grace, however, constantly whispered to Sara and Alex knew Grace was a huge asset to Langan.

"The state calls Detective Elliot Stabler." Roland Hicks barely looked up as he waited for Elliot to take the stand. Alex knew they would call Elliot to paint the picture of Sara as a child. To explain the violence she witnessed as a young girl and how that may have affected her once she was grown. Alex smiled at Olivia's reaction to hearing Elliot called as Detective Stabler. She watched as Olivia immediately looked back at Cragen, his expression confirming what Olivia quickly figured out. Olivia then looked down at her hands, taking a few moments before looking up as Elliot took the stand.

Alex couldn't help but see Elliot as he had been. He looked very much as he used to, clean shaven and a perfectly fitted suit. He chanced a glance at her, knowing he would make eye contact with Olivia if he looked too long. Alex could feel Olivia's eyes on her and her only response was to grab her hand again. Olivia faced forward at the sound of Hick's deep voice as he began to build his case.

Sara seemed interested in what was transpiring as if she was hearing the story for the first time. Her gaze stayed locked on Elliot, yet his was fixed on Hicks. Elliot had no trouble recalling the facts and he answered each question with as few words as possible. He was officially testifying for the prosecution but his tactics made it obvious he was there to support Sara. Alex watched Olivia carefully as she focused on Elliot and how he was answering. Elliot was careful not to let his eyes wander only looking toward Sara and Grace once Hicks stated that he had no further questions.

Alex was not surprised at all when Trevor stood only to state he had no questions. Elliot was then excused and quickly returned to his position next to Olivia. Alex looked up to see Grace carefully watching Roland Hicks. She then turned toward Alex with an alarmed look on her face. Alex knew then what was coming and she also knew this could make or break Sara Esteban.

"The state calls Olivia Benson." Alex immediately looked at Trevor who was quickly on his feet objecting. Roland Hicks expected Trevor's response and asked the judge to approach the bench. Judge Schropsky directed both attorneys to approach.

Alex wrapped her arm around Olivia's shoulders as she dropped her head to avoid Sara. Alex whispered softly to Olivia explaining what Trevor was arguing. Olivia looked into Alex's eyes before looking up toward Sara's.

Court was recessed while Roland Hicks and Trever Langan met with Judge Schropsky in chambers. Sara was escorted out into a secured room to wait, an officer close by her at all times. Grace accompanied Sara, refusing to leave her alone. She wasn't sure if Sara was thankful or annoyed at the company. "Olivia is going to testify against me?"

"Trevor is fighting against that now, Sara." Grace knew the possibility was good that Olivia would indeed have to go on the stand for the prosecution.

Alex opened the door, standing aside as Olivia made her way in. Sara immediately turned away, refusing to look at either Olivia or Alex. "Sara, please. You have to know that I don't want to do this." Olivia made her way over to where Sara sat next to Grace.

Sara was immediately on her feet, anger filling her whole body. "I trusted you. You promised me you would help me. I don't need you." Sara looked Olivia squarely in the eyes as she spoke. "Miss Mills, I changed my mind. I don't want to do this. There's no way I will win."

Olivia looked at Grace, begging her to say something that would settle Sara, but it was Alex who spoke first. "Sara, Olivia is being called as a hostile witness. The prosecution knows she does not want to testify and they also know how she testifies will reflect that."

Grace pulled out a chair before placing her hands on Olivia's shoulders encouraging her to sit. "Sara, we were informed that they intended to call Olivia. The only way to avoid this was if she didn't come to the trial at all. You said you wanted her here, so she's here."

"Why? Why does she have to testify against me?" Grace looked toward Alex as she returned to her seat next to Sara.

"The prosecution wants Olivia to tell the jury how affected you were as a child. Your mother's murder, the abuse, and so forth. They will then try to bring in the fact that you killed as an adult and then again while at Taconic. Taconic has nothing to do with this trial, but the prosecution will bring it up. Trevor will object and the judge will strike it. The problem is, the jury will have heard that you killed while at Taconic and their impression of you will change with that." Alex looked at Olivia who seemed to be fighting off the memory of Taconic and the riot where Sara had killed to save her life. "Trevor is working right now to keep Olivia from testifying, but there is a good chance she will have to testify as a hostile witness."

Sara stared at Alex hard. The silence in the small room was heavy and Grace knew it was necessary for Sara to comprehend all that Alex had explained to her.

"Sara, either way, it will all be okay. You have to trust that it will be, okay?" Alex pulled Sara's attention with the relaxed tone of her voice.

Sara closed her eyes, showing just how hard this whole trial was on her. She opened them and quickly found Olivia's. Neither woman speaking, yet it was clear to all in the room that Sara wanted and definitely needed Olivia here with her. Olivia noticed how Sara's eyes paled and that hollow look that she recognized so easily was back.

"Sara, stay with me. We're going to get you through this but you have to stay with me, okay?" Olivia reached out, taking Sara's hand in her own.

Grace whispered that she would return and Alex stood as well. Olivia noticed but kept her attention trained on Sara while the other women left the room. "Where are they going?" Sara's voice was weak and this worried Olivia.

"Probably going to check on what's going on. Trevor Langan is very good at what he does. He has anticipated this and I'm sure will be able to spin it in our favor. We just have to trust him and I know that's hard Sara. I know it's so hard to trust." Olivia stayed close to Sara and her words seem to come from nowhere as she tried to keep the younger woman positive.

"He didn't do so good for you. He didn't even try and you were the police." the anger that laced Sara's voice was hard for Olivia to hear.

"Sara, maybe I didn't try. I could have and maybe should have demanded my case go to trial, but I was scared. I was scared that because of having been an officer, my actions would have been what sent me away for life. Trevor opted to go another route and because of Grace I am here right now...with you." Olivia gently pushed the hair back away from Sara's eyes, encouraging her to look at her. "I trust them Sara. I trust them to do right by you."

Sara was suddenly a child again as she wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck. It was a move that surprised Olivia initially but also reminded her that this physically tough woman was so very fragile. Olivia was mindful of Sara's healing bruises and held her against her own body hoping to find the strength for the both of them to continue. It was true she trusted Trevor and it was true she trusted Grace. Olivia wondered if she could trust herself to be Olivia Benson in the court room knowing how important that would be to Sara.

Olivia worked to settle Sara, the shaking she felt from the young woman bothered her in a way she wasn't prepared for. Grace returned followed by Alex and both women stood aside quietly until Olivia carefully pulled Sara's arms from her. Alex waited until Olivia looked her in the eye before giving her that slight smile and smaller nod. It was good news, this much Olivia could read.

Alex waited until Grace had taken a seat next to Sara. The calming effect she had on Sara was obvious to all and Olivia was so grateful for Grace; again. "Olivia will not have to testify for the prosecution." Alex held Sara's eyes for a second before continuing to explain. "Detective Stabler was also present during that initial investigation and his testimony will suffice at this point. He is currently a member of service where Olivia is not so therefore his testimony as the investigating officer is all Hicks is going to get."

Olivia looked at Alex and the relief was evident however the sadness at the reality of her words was also staring back at the ADA. Olivia was no longer a member of service and the stark reality of those words stung.

"Olivia?" Grace's comforting voice was all that was needed to pull Olivia back to the fight at hand.

"I'm fine, Grace." Olivia offered a small smile before turning her attention to Sara. "This is good, Sara. My partner did a good job when he was on the stand."

"Sara, they're going to call us back in a few minutes. The prosecution will be upset that his strategy has to change and he will go hard to prove his case with the other witnesses. He will have them describe the murder scene in detail and he will paint you as a full blown murderer." Alex kept her voice even, her matter of fact manner hard but necessary right now. "Trust Trevor to combat that image he will create, trust him."

Sara glanced at Olivia before turning to Grace. "I will have to go up there after that?"

"Yes, but Sara, you are ready. You are so ready and you are so much stronger than even you know." Grace squeezed Sara's hands. "You just have to remember what we talked about and trust Trevor to defend you."

The knock at the door and the bailiff announcing it was time to return caused all the women to be silent. They had won a small victory by Olivia not having to take the stand for the prosecution but Alex knew Trevor had planned on calling her for the defense and by doing so, Roland Hicks would have a chance to cross-examine her. Alex watched Olivia carefully as Sara was led out by the officer. She could tell Olivia was already thinking about that as she knew exactly how these things worked.

Alex handed Olivia her crutches, waiting until they were alone to speak to her. "You are currently not a member of service, I know that was hard to hear."

Olivia took a deep breath admitting to Alex that it had indeed stung. "Cragen never turned Elliot's papers in. He never told me."

Alex smiled then. "It had to be up to Elliot when he would come back. If he would come back. He chose to, Liv. He chose to come back now."

"What about the getting cleared and his psych evaluation and so forth? Elliot hates to jump through hoops."

"From what I understand, he is doing what he has to do. He and I talked and he will do what he has to do. He will require therapy for the shooting, the stress of being in SVU for so long and most likely will transfer out as soon as he is cleared for duty." Alex gave Olivia as much as she could. "Right now he is still considered on the job and that played in our favor tremendously today."

Olivia dropped her eyes as she positioned her crutches under her arms.

"Liv, he chose to come back. He is hurting too, but he is here. That has got to mean something." Alex gave Olivia a few moments to compose herself when she realized her words had gotten to Olivia. The fact that Elliot was here, sitting beside her in the courtroom meant everything to Olivia. Alex knew this, Olivia knew this and Alex was willing to bet that Elliot knew this as well.

Alex noted the way Sara sat motionless as each officer was called to the stand. Trevor was on his A-game as he cross-examined each, capitalizing on the small details that the officers had forgotten or simply failed to notice. She also noticed the way Olivia seemed lost in her own thoughts as she listened to the testimony of all that were involved that day. Sara had been through hell and Alex could tell that Olivia was feeling all of the pain that girl had gone through. It would only get worse once Sara took the stand and Alex worried that Olivia wouldn't be able to stay. It had been a long day and it was obvious to Alex that Sara wouldn't testify today. She wondered if Olivia would as she checked her watch.

"The defense calls Olivia Benson to the stand." Trevor's low voice startled Olivia and Alex was quick to rest her hand on her friends leg. The wordless exchange was enough to settle Olivia before she carefully made her way to the front of the courtroom. Alex watched as Olivia refused to look at Sara, her gaze instead finding Elliot's. Trevor asked Olivia to state her name and Alex cringed at the tone in Olivia's voice. She was not used to announcing herself as anything other than Detective Benson and to have to omit her title hurt to hear. Alex glanced back at Nick, Fin and Don Cragen. Each one hearing the same defeat in their colleague's voice and each one reacting similarly.

Alex listened carefully as Olivia obviously had not forgotten the smallest of details of what she witnessed when called to the scene of Sara's mother's murder. She went into detail as to the what she suspected and later was able to undercover about Sara's abuse at the hands of her father. Alex watched Sara carefully as she never once looked up at Olivia. It was when Roland Hicks made his way to confront Olivia that Sara seemed interested again. Alex noticed the way Olivia shifted in her seat and her demeanor changed with the line of questioning.

Alex watched Grace as she scanned the jury to try to gauge their reaction to Olivia's testimony so far. As far as Alex could tell they were just as anxious to hear the cross-examination as was everybody else. Roland Hicks began by asking Olivia how she had hurt her leg. Trevor was on his feet with what would be the first of many objections hurled out. Alex had worked with Olivia to get her prepared to face Hicks but from the defensive side and the cool manner that Olivia faced him proved that she was indeed still Detective Benson. Olivia would forever be Detective Benson to those that knew her and to those that needed her. Losing her title only meant that she was not official, it would never mean that she wasn't the same strong, caring woman she had always been.

Grace smiled as she listened to Olivia answer word for word as Elliot had when Hicks had attempted to have her describe Sara's abuse as a fasad for what she would later become. He tried to get Olivia to describe Sara as angry at losing her mother and that anger being misplaced against her father. Alex had to admit, Roland Hicks was good at what he did as he weaved the earlier claims of abuse with the actions Sara had taken as an adult against her father. The fact that Olivia's emotions never wavered and she answered Hicks with official statements and not emotional outbursts made even the jury believe that they were listening to the testimony of a detective that was there for a little girl who needed her. Alex knew better than to claim victory for this particular battle but she was proud of Olivia.

Olivia let her eyes fall on Sara when Hicks rested. Alex's heart broke just a little when Sara lost her fight against any emotion. The few tears were enough to make even Elliot shift in his seat. Olivia made her way back to her original seat just as Schropsky called it a day. Grace hung her head slightly knowing what tomorrow would bring and Alex could feel the tension that was Olivia Benson sitting next to her.

Alex watched as Trevor Langan packed up his briefcase, Roland Hicks doing the same. She turned to see Nick leaving the courtroom with Fin and Cragen close behind. She figured they would wait to talk with Olivia and Elliot, neither of whom had even began to move. Olivia's gaze followed Sara as she was led out of the courtroom. It was then that Olivia began to get to her feet to leave as well. She would be heading back to Bellevue and Sara would be heading back to Beacon. There was a sadness with what was real for both women and the look between Grace and Alex said they both recognized that.

Elliot made his way out of the courtroom, leaving Olivia behind as Grace approached. "You did good, Olivia."

Olivia tried to smile, but by now knew there was no need to put up a front for Grace.

"I am heading to Beacon now to sit with Sara. She's so very vulnerable right now to her own thoughts, memories and so forth." Grace moved when Olivia did so that she maintained eye contact. "She'll be on that stand tomorrow and she will take her cues from you Olivia."

"I don't know, Grace. She is so scared and I can't help her with that. I couldn't do it, yet here I am pushing her." Olivia's voice cracked and the emotion spilled out easily. "What if we lose. What will that do to her?"

"What if we win. What will that do for her?" Grace nodded to Alex who had stood just a few feet from the two women while they talked. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Please try to get some rest."

Grace lightly touched Olivia's arm before walking toward the doors of the courtroom. She turned to look at Alex and the moment they shared was enough to affect both woman. Tomorrow would be the best or the worst day of Sara's life and the most disturbing part was that neither of them knew how Sara defined that. Grace knew Sara was scared to live a life outside of prison now. She also knew Sara having to stay in prison would ultimately affect Olivia's recovery process.

Alex was silent as she stood behind Olivia as she slowly made her way toward the door Grace held open for her. The sound of the crutches against the hard courtroom floor was the only sound as all three women held their emotions in the same way they held their breaths.

Tomorrow would be the best day or the worst day of Sara's life and considering all the young woman had been through, it made Olivia hate the system that much more. The fighting never ended and Olivia doubted it ever would. She had heard Nick when he leaned into Sara for that brief moment before Sara was escorted out of the courtroom. She had heard him clearly and she knew his words would echo in her head tonight and maybe that wasn't a bad thing.

_Tengo que luchar a luchar. _Olivia had seen the response in Sara's eyes when Nick spoke to her. Tomorrow would be Sara's biggest fight yet and Olivia wasn't even sure if it was a fight Sara wanted to win.


	39. Chapter 39

Fighting to Survive Chapter 39

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Grace took the few minutes before Judge Schropsky arrived to study Sara. She was dressed in a very flattering skirt and jacket to match. It bothered Grace in a strange way to see how small and vulnerable the proper fitting clothes made Sara seem. She seemed uncomfortable, yet Grace doubted her comfort level had anything to do with her clothing.

Elliot and Olivia had arrived early and had taken a seat directly behind Sara. Grace was sure Olivia knew how important her presence was to Sara and made sure she arrived in plenty of time to reassure the younger, scared woman. Grace felt Sara turn as Nick made his way into the courtroom and then took a seat to the right of Olivia. Nick's eyes met Sara's and then Grace's before he smiled slightly. It seemed right for Nick to be seated next to his partner. It seemed right that Nick be behind Sara. It seemed right that Elliot shook Nick's hand despite there being no verbal greeting between the two men.

Grace couldn't hear what Olivia was whispering into Sara's ear, but the incessant shaking of Sara's leg stopped as she listened. Whatever Olivia was saying was enough to calm Sara, even if temporarily and for that Grace was grateful.

Trevor Langan had waited until Olivia had pulled away before he addressed his client. Grace didn't much like the way Sara cowered to Trevor as he spoke to her, but his size and his demeanor made even her cringe at times. Trevor was firm with his directions and Grace thought to intervene as it seemed he was treating Sara as if she were a child. Grace looked back at Olivia who was slightly shaking her head as she watched Trevor. It appeared she, too, wasn't too thrilled with the way Trevor handled Sara. Neither interfered though as they both knew babying Sara was not the answer when what was ahead of her was going to be intense at best.

Grace chanced a glance over at Roland Hicks whose attention was focused solely on Olivia. He watched the interaction between her and Sara. He watched the way Olivia reassured Sara with a simple look and how her voice managed to calm the visably scared woman. Grace then looked toward Trevor who had his sights on Hicks. He was more than aware of Hicks game plan and they both knew that Olivia was a key player. Grace wasn't sure if she was nervous or relieved when Judge Schropsky made his entrance...late as expected.

The correct pronunciation of Sara's surname this time from the judge made Grace glance back at Alex. The small smile Alex offered told Grace that Hicks must have made mention to Schropsky. The prosecution couldn't afford to alienate any of the jurors and something as blatant as mispronouncing Sara's name could do just that.

The hesitation from Sara when her name was called by Trevor to take the stand was obvious to all. Grace placed her hand on her leg to still her, telling her with a simple touch to get up when she was ready. Grace had told Sara that she could control the pace of this part of the trial. This was her chance to tell what had happened, why she had done what she did and make the jury understand. It was important to realize she did have control, if not then, now. Grace held Sara's eyes as she did finally stand and advance the few feet to where she stood with her right hand raised. Her voice was strong despite the look on her face that said she would run if given the opportunity.

Trevor Langan was the best. Grace, Alex and even Olivia had all agreed that if Sara would be set free today it would be largely due to Trevor's abilities. Roland Hicks was equally as good and he had the state counting on him to protect their credibility. While Grace felt confident that Trevor was capable and that Sara was ready, she in no way believed this was a sure win. She had some reservations and some doubts, but overall she had hope. She had been told numerous times during her career that hope didn't win cases. Today, she could only hope it would.

Grace listened carefully to Sara as she answered as they had rehearsed; answering the question, no more. There would be no surprises from Trevor as he simply asked Sara to explain what happened the night of her mothers death, later when Olivia had her removed from the home, her stay in foster care and then of course, the night of her father's death. Grace had coached Sara to use emotion, let the jury see the damage her father had caused to her, make them feel for her. The time she spent as an inmate and the way she was forced to live would be an obstacle. Inmates were not to show emotion as it was almost always construed as weakness. Sara's ability to function without any emotion was nearly impeccable and this worried Grace. Now it was important to show every bit of emotion she could and Sara had struggled with that during this past week.

Olivia listened carefully to every word Sara said. She was very descriptive and it was when she explain her abuse that her voice was monotone. She could have been reading a book and Olivia recognized the way Sara had to disassociate herself to tell what had happened to her. Grace could see the way Olivia forced herself to have no reaction to Sara's story. It was important that Sara not form an opinion of how her words were affecting those present, most importantly, the jury. Olivia glanced at Grace and the two women spoke wordlessly. Sara knew how to live her story, but not how to tell it. Olivia wondered if she would be able to sit up and describe in detail her own story. She decided that no, she wouldn't and focused her attention back on Sara who was strong enough to at least try.

Grace wondered if Trevor would call for a recess as Sara seemed spent after the long hour and a half on the stand. She was pleased when he didn't despite knowing Sara could use a breather. Trevor had explained to her how he would capitalize on the attention span of the jury this way. While the jurors were all adults, still their attention would wander after so long and the ability to absorb everything that was being said lessened as time went on. He had the jury when they were fresh, now Hicks would get them worn. Hicks wouldn't call recess at this point for he wanted to capitalize on Sara's fatigue. It was a double edged sword for Sara and Grace hoped she would continue to stay strong.

Hicks hit Sara hard right off the bat and Grace could see the way Sara's eyes responded. She looked through the prosecutor despite looking him in the eye when she answered. Grace could see Sara taking her advice and slowing the pace down. Hicks would wait for her to answer and slowing the pace did little but give Sara the sense of control. Grace smiled inwardly as she recognized Sara's slowed speech as well. And then Hicks came at her with both barrels. He asked about the relationship between her and Olivia Benson both when she was a child and then later as an adult. Trevor objected continuously and each question was prohibited, but Grace knew the jury was forming their own opinions because of the line of questioning. Trevor asked the judge to approach the bench and he and Roland Hicks did so at the judge's order. Grace knew Trevor would complain to the judge to no avail, but he wanted and needed to give Sara a few moments to compose herself and prepare for Hicks once again.

Olivia never took her eyes off Sara despite the way Sara avoided Olivia. Grace caught on and the shame that Sara carried was unjustified and nobody would understand that better than Olivia. She understood that as a SVU detective as well as a victim herself.

Hicks resumed his line of questioning and Grace held her breath watching Sara do the same. Sara looked at her with that empty, hollow look pleading with Grace to do something to help her. Grace looked toward Olivia as she felt they would soon lose Sara to the pressure of the prosecution. Sara answered in incomplete sentences, her control slipping quickly. Trevor intervened asking for a few minutes for his client to compose herself but Sara refused when Schropsky asked is she needed time.

Sara's eyes scanned the jury nervously as she answered Hicks without giving him her full attention. Grace realized Sara was lost in her own head and once again looked to Olivia who was realizing the same thing. The loud sound of metal crashing against the courtroom floor stopped the proceedings as all eyes looked toward Olivia. She had removed the cushioned armrests of her crutches, letting them then fall to the floor. The sound was loud enough to interrupt and sharp enough to get Sara to focus solely on Olivia. Grace ignored the harsh words of the judge as she watched Olivia and Sara. Olivia knew she only had a few minutes to calm Sara, and the way she managed to get Sara to relax absolutely amazed Grace.

Sara was then able to answer with a sense of control as she continued to be attacked by Roland Hicks. Olivia continued to listen to Sara tell her story, including the way in which her father raped her just before she killed him. It was hard to listen to the way Sara spoke without emotion, but she knew it was a survival tactic. Sara had survived her father and now was surviving this trial. Olivia would've given anything at that point to hold Sara in a way that harm could never touch her again.

The judge excused Sara and gave the court a short recess before closing arguments would begin. Sara opted to stay in the courtroom, not trusting her legs to carry her too far from where she now sat beside Grace. Olivia was once again whispering in Sara's ear while Elliot replaced the protective covering on Olivia's crutches. The smirk that he fought against was winning as he pretended to be completely engrossed on the task at hand.

Grace watched as the jury filed back in, taking their seats silently. It was evident that Sara's testimony had moved a few of them, but she wondered about the stoic look on the faces of the male jurors. Grace grasped Sara's hand as Roland Hicks and Trevor Langan both returned to their seats to await direction from the judge to proceed.

Roland Hicks stood first and approached the jury. He slowly paced in front of them as he summed up why Sara had been found guilty in the first place. He asked the jury to realize that murder is not an option to abuse, there were other options available. He painted a picture of a young girl that learned to use the harsh reality of life in her favor. He didn't deny that she had been wronged as a child, but he couldn't condone her actions as an adult. At some point we are all responsible for our own actions. Sara may not have had the ability to seek out other options as a child, but as an adult she was more than capable of finding help. Murder one was the charge she was convicted of then by a jury of her peers, it should stand now as the act had not changed despite the defendants sudden desire to recant her previous guilty plea.

Grace wondered if Sara had even heard anything Roland Hicks had argued as she sat with her head in her hands. She supposed it didn't much matter at this point; Sara had had enough and Grace could only hope that she had done enough to help her own cause.

Trevor stood after waiting a few moments. He wanted the jury to request him to argue his point and as far as Grace could tell they were focused on Trevor's every move. Trevor Langan had known what he'd say way before the trial ever started. He often worked backwards when preparing a case such as this. The defense was truly the underdog in this situation, especially considering Sara had already been convicted of the charge he was fighting against for her.

Sara sat up straight when Trevor started speaking to the jury, but Grace doubted it was because she was interested in what he had to say. The way Sara worked through the cramping in her back told Grace she didn't care what Trevor had to say. She was a convicted murderer and she doubted anything or anyone could change that fact. Grace told her Olivia needed her. Olivia needed Sara to fight for herself so that Olivia would then fight for herself as well. Well she had done that much. She would fight for Olivia until she physically couldn't and then maybe a bit more, but now the fight was over.

Trevor held the attention of the twelve jurors as they seemed to want to hear what he had to say. Grace tried to read their thoughts through their expressions but found herself only getting frustrated. Trevor spoke with a confidence that suggested that not only himself, but the jurors knew Sara to have been wrongfully convicted. He didn't pace as he walked, he needed the jury to be focused on what he was saying, not on what he was doing. It was the little things that Trevor knew to do that made him as successful as he was. Grace prayed that Trevor's game plan today would be enough to win. She could only hope while Trevor argued Sara's case. Sara could only wait while the jury heard Trevor out.

Judge Schropsky excused the jury to deliberate, giving them specific instructions. The court was then in recess until a verdict was reached. Sara was escorted back to the secured room where she had waited yesterday as well. Grace would accompany Sara while she waited and it was only a matter of a few minutes before Olivia and Alex joined the women as well.

Olivia immediately made her way over to Sara, shifting her weight to be able to abandon the crutches. Sara waited until Olivia held her arms out before she let herself be surrounded by them. She felt safe with Olivia and felt comforted by the fact she could actually hear the former detective's heart beating.

"I couldn't do it. They're not going to believe me, but I tried Olivia." Sara's voice shook when she spoke and it took Olivia holding Sara away from her and looking into her eyes to get her to relax just a bit.

"You did do it. You told your story. They'll believe it or they won't, but you fought Sara." Olivia held Sara close again. "I'm proud of you."

Alex gave them a few minutes before getting Olivia's attention. Olivia knew Alex wanted to make sure Sara understood what was to come. "Sara, this is a retrial so the jury's vote has to be unanimous."

Grace took a few steps toward Sara, just the movement gained her Sara's full attention. "It could take awhile to come back with a verdict for that reason."

Sara nodded at the information that was just shared. She already figured her chances were slim, now knowing a majority vote wouldn't be good enough made her doubt her case that much more. Sara let herself fall into a nearby chair, wondering how long they would have to wait. She was exhausted and was actually looking forward to getting back to Beacon. She barely heard Alex and Grace discussing Trevor Langan, she barely heard Olivia trying to get her attention. Everything seemed to be muffled as if she were in a tunnel. "Olivia?"

"Breathe, Sara." Olivia's voice reached Sara clearly this time and it sounded exactly as she had remembered when she was a kid. "Control your breathing, it's key to everything."

Sara looked up at Olivia then and the hollow look that so often described Sara was back. Olivia leaned in, speaking softly so that Sara would have to listen carefully to hear her. "Tengo que luchar a luchar. Nick is still here, Sara. Nobody has given up on you. Don't you give up on you."

Sara nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She then sat in silence listening to the kind, soft voices of Alex and Grace as they spoke amongst themselves and the even breathing of Olivia just to her left. She was content to sit here despite her future being on the other side of the door she stared at.

The announcement to reconvene came only moments after Sara had managed to get her breathing under control. Alex was on her feet, quickly facing Sara. "It's fast, but that's not necessarily a bad sign."

Olivia looked at Grace and they both shared the same thought that the verdict had come back too fast. Grace took a few minutes to choose the right words to say to Sara who read the concern on Olivia's face. "The verdict has to be unanimous so the jury thought it was cut and dry. This could be a very good thing, Sara."

Sara got to her feet as the guard approached to escort her back into the courtroom. The expression on her face was too much for Olivia as she was forced to turn away. Grace was quickly by Sara's side as they left Alex and Olivia alone in the secured room.

"Alex, that was too fast." Olivia's voice had a desperate sound and Alex could only shake her head.

"I know, Liv." Alex handed Olivia her crutches. "Let's go, they won't wait for us."

Judge Schropsky ordered Sara to stand as he asked the foreman if the jury had reached a verdict. The bailiff brought the judge the small piece of paper that held Sara's future on it. He read it and without any expression at all handed it back to the bailiff to return it to the foreman. Judge Schropsky then instructed the foreman to deliver the verdict.

The foreman was a middle-aged man, late forties, maybe early fifties. Grace tried to read through his features for a hint, but suddenly didn't want to know anything before anybody else did. She turned her head, catching Olivia staring at her. She locked gazes with Olivia knowing how invested Olivia was in this young woman. How much she cared. How that concern for Sara is what got her to fight for her own future. This wasn't just Sara's verdict and the look on Olivia's face said just that.

"Of the charge of murder in the first degree, by unanimous vote, we the jury find the defendant not guilty." The foreman then smiled as he watched Sara look up at him as if she wasn't sure what he had said.

Grace immediately pulled Sara to her while Trevor spoke into her ear. Judge Schropsky called for order and once again the courtroom was silent.

"Sara Esteban, you are hereby released from the custody of the state of New York. There is no requirement for further time to be served. Good luck to you, young lady." Schropsky stood then and was quickly gone from the bench.

Olivia watched from the seat behind Sara as Nick allowed Sara to come to him. She couldn't help but smile at the way Nick held onto Sara like she would imagine a father would. "I give him a year tops and he'll be transferring out. Doesn't seem cut out for SVU." Olivia could feel Elliot's breath on her face as he leaned in speak to her.

Olivia could only smile at the way Elliot would always have something against Nick for being her partner for any amount of time. Nick was good police and Nick was a good man. She knew Elliot saw that.

Sara turned to look at Olivia and the smile she had seemed to reach her eyes. Olivia wondered if that had ever happened in Sara's life previous. Sara walked to Olivia where she stood in front of the former detective. "Thank you for being here for me. Thank you for...surviving. Just thank you."

Olivia held Sara not caring that her tears fell freely. Gone where the days where it was considered tough not to cry. Olivia had been strong for too long and her tears were a testament to that fact. In prison it was dangerous to show emotion, but she was no longer in prison. Sara was no longer in prison and Olivia whispered into Sara's ear that it was okay. "You've been strong for too long. It's okay."

The silent tears Sara cried only lasted a few seconds as she would have to learn to feel again. She smiled up at Olivia before heading out of the courtroom. She needed to be able to walk out of the courtroom unescorted and both Olivia and Grace were aware of that as they watched her go.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." Grace watched Sara but spoke to Olivia.

"I had a choice." Olivia faced Grace.

"No you didn't. Not when it came to her." Grace lightly touched Olivia's arm as she hurried to catch up with Sara.

Elliot kept his distance as he watched the interaction between Grace and Olivia. He slowly made his way to Olivia where he let her wrap her arms around his neck. They had sat through many cases in this courtroom as Detective's Benson and Stabler during their career, but never had a victory meant as much as this one did. Nobody would bother them, at least not for a few minutes. Elliot glared at Trevor as he made his way around the two of them and out of the courtroom. He still didn't like him, but he had to admit he respected him. Maybe he would say as much, or maybe he wouldn't.


	40. Chapter 40

Fighting to Survive Chapter 40

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Grace knocked softly on the door that was slightly ajar and waited for Olivia to turn. "Can I come in?"

"Of course, come in." Olivia had just finished packing her bag and balanced perfectly to set it on the floor. "Sit down."

"You're getting around pretty good. Cast should be coming off soon?"

"Another week or so, anxious to get moving again. Miss working out." Olivia hobbled over and sat in the chair next to Grace. "May not be NYPD but need to be in NYPD shape."

Grace didn't respond to Olivia's comment, she just sat quietly allowing Olivia to voice what she felt she wanted to.

"I don't know how else to be." Olivia's voice was nearly whispered and Grace's expression held all the emotion that had been shared since she had first met Olivia.

"You'll find your way. I have faith in you, Olivia." Grace's voice had always been such a comfort and the encouragement Olivia heard in it now was equally as comforting. "You're a strong woman, that hasn't changed."

"I have been Detective Benson for so long that I don't even know how to be anything else. I'm going to always reach for my gun when I'm nervous, be tempted to announce myself as something I'm not and expect respect that I no longer deserve..."

"Olivia, you will always deserve respect. And I'm willing to believe no matter what position or title you hold in any field you will command that respect. It's just who you are." Grace held Olivia's eyes with her own until Olivia began to turn a smile. She wondered if Grace had to memorize a list of things to say for every situation for she certainly seemed to get it right every time.

Olivia got to her feet, hobbling over to where her crutches were leaning up against the bed. "I will have some extensive out-patient therapy for...I don't really know how long. I find myself getting confused between my trauma and that of the countless victims I have seen over the years."

Grace nodded but sat quietly.

"Some days I feel like I'm out in front of it all and others...not so much. It's so heavy and I can hardly breathe and the scary part is I don't know which day I'll have when I wake up." Olivia placed the crutches under her arms and allowed herself to be held up by them as she looked Grace in the eyes. "I've got a long way to go, I realize that."

"You do, but it's good that you recognize that." Grace added her two cents, her tone encouraging Olivia to continue.

"Langan did good yesterday." Olivia let herself lean against her bed, once again abandoning the crutches. "He earned his money, no doubt."

"Pro-Bono." Grace smiled when Olivia did. "Wanted to work on his reputation a bit."

"I'm sure he was concerned about his reputation." Olivia knew better than to think Trevor wanted anybody to see he had any kind of heart. "His job is to defend criminals. We've worked on opposite sides for too many years to ever think he could give a damn about anybody personally."

Grace then got to her feet and took a few steps toward Olivia. "His job is to defend the accused. They're not always criminals and they're not always guilty. I know you don't care for Trevor, but he did the best he could for you, Liv. And he did the very best he could for Sara."

Olivia nodded, taking a few minutes to settle herself. "He did good for Sara. Sara did good for herself."

"Yes, she did." Grace wondered over to the window, glancing out between the blinds. "Are you ready, Olivia? I mean really ready to leave?"

"I think so. I'm not going home, you know. Elliot let my place go, probably a good decision." Olivia's voice held a tint of regret but her words said she understood he was trying to do right by her.

Grace spoke to Olivia while continuing to study the NY skyline. "Elliot Stabler told me he was your partner, for better or worse. Not sure what is coming the better or the worse, but I have no doubt he will be here through either one."

The silence that followed caused Grace to turn to face Olivia. "You don't agree?"

"I'm not sure. I thought twelve years as partners meant at the very least a proper goodbye." Olivia shrugged, refusing to allow her feelings about the way Elliot left show through. "I suppose we'll see, won't we. How did Sara do last night?"

Grace heard Olivia but she couldn't help but feel Elliot regretted abandoning his partner in the worst way and he would stand by her for as long as she'd let him. "Trevor gave me grief about suggesting she stay with me last night, but Olivia, where was she going to go? She was scared to death to face the world, that's one reason she didn't want to go to trial."

"Too close. He thinks you should prepare them, encourage them and then move on. Trevor Langan, defense attorney." Olivia raised her eyebrow until Grace nodded.

"She didn't sleep well, but I think that was to be expected." Grace was suddenly all business as she described Sara's expected progress.

"Are you going to protect her from the world or herself and for how long?" Olivia asked the hard questions that Grace would've spared and her expression reflected that. "What I mean, Grace, is how long can you help her? She needs to know if she will be doing this on her own or with help and prepare for either way."

Grace looked everywhere but at Olivia until she was ready and then she stared the former detective down. "I have made a personal decision to make sure Sara gets the help she needs to at least have another chance at life. Yes, my job is done, but that doesn't mean I have to be done with Sara."

"You can't walk away, can you, Grace? That girl reached in and grabbed hold of something inside you. She wouldn't have been able to do that, intentional or not, if there wasn't an opening." Olivia tried to read Grace's eyes, but Grace knew how to avoid being read.

"I care about her, yes. And yes she does have a way of pulling you in, but Olivia, my job is to get people like you and Sara ready for trial. I did my job. I don't feel like I owe Sara anything if that is what you're insinuating." Grace looked Olivia in the eye when she answered. "I just want to help her."

"Of course, Grace." Olivia smiled as she talked. "The one thing we were taught early on is victims always hold something back."

Grace walked away from Olivia, taking a few minutes before responding. "You are very good, Detective. I am simply giving back. Returning the favor if you will. Victims may hold something back, but survivors rarely go back. Not unless they have to."

"Sara took you back, didn't she?" Olivia had grabbed her crutches and made her way over to Grace. "So, tell me Grace, how long do you continue to shield her, help her?"

"As long as she needs me, Olivia. Somebody helped me and I never forgot her." Grace stood tall against Olivia. "I will stand by Sara Esteban for as long as she needs me and I will be available to you as well. Everybody needs somebody, doesn't matter what day, what time."

Olivia backed away from Grace, dropping her head for a few seconds before looking back up. "Please don't give up on her, Grace. She trusts you. She trusts you in this world where it's not safe to trust anybody."

"Is that what that was all about? Me abandoning Sara?" Grace shook her head, but looked Olivia deep in the eyes. "I have every intention of helping that young woman. She, too, will have extensive therapy ahead of her and with any luck I think we will be able to secure some grant money for her to attend college. Not to mention, she may have a case against the state. I haven't even begun to travel that road as of yet, but Olivia, I have no intentions of abandoning her."

"Okay." Olivia bent to pick up her bag, slinging it over her shoulder before repositioning the crutches. "I believe you and in time so will Sara."

Grace watched as Olivia made her way to the door. "How did you know? What made you go there, Benson?"

Olivia spoke without facing Grace. "Your eyes. You ever hear that phrase, eyes are the window to the soul? Well, your window was wide open, Grace Mills and it was all right there. You just have to know where to look. I looked and I saw. I saw you."

Grace was left speechless and Olivia faced her before leaving.

"You saw yourself in Sara and you faced your demons to help her and I for one am grateful to you for that. And I know Sara is too." Olivia smiled at Grace. "My partner is waiting to take me to my new home. Wish me luck."

Grace stood still as Olivia made her way out of the room. She listened to the ticking of the clock and she briefly wondered if Olivia had used that sound to calm her after a particularly bad nightmare. She knew she used to and she knew sometimes she still did. "Good luck, Detective Benson."

Olivia approached Elliot who was casually leaning up against the wall by the entrance to Bellevue hospital. He knew how important it was for leave to be able to leave the hospital on her own and he studied her carefully as she made her way towards him. He smiled to himself as he realized just how well she was able to get around now, her broken leg almost ignored as she took long strides with her crutches.

He pushed off the wall once she stood before him and reached out for her bag. She smiled knowing he would have done that if she weren't dealing with the minor inconvenience of crutches. Elliot Stabler was a gentleman above all else; he was also her partner, for better or worse. She couldn't help but feel the familiar connection between the two of them despite the absence.

"You want I should bring the car around?" Elliot turned, pulling his keys from his pocket only to feel Olivia's grasp on his arm.

"No, I'll walk." She started out of the hospital ahead of him, leaving him staring after her. Olivia Benson was nothing if not independent and he knew despite that strong trait, he would have to take his cues from her if he wanted to be there for her.

Elliot unlocked the passenger door, instinctively taking her crutches from her. "Did you want to drive?" The keys dangling in front of her and the way Elliot ducked his head so that he could look her directly in the eyes was enough to make Olivia laugh. He smiled himself, admitting that he wondered if he would ever hear her laugh again.

Olivia gently pushed the keys aside and then stood looking at the ground. "El?"

"You got to tell me, Liv. I was teasing about driving, but I honestly don't know what you need me to do for you." Elliot's voice pulled Olivia's eyes up to meet his. "I want to help you...I just don't know if I know how."

Elliot waited for a response, pleased yet saddened at the familiar way she fought against her emotions. He quickly dropped the crutches when she wrapped her arms around his neck. She wanted him to hold her and that was something he could do; would do for as long as she wanted or needed him to. His arms slowly tightened around her body and the way she clung to him seemed to erase all that had happened to them; even if just for a few moments. He worried about her healing injuries as he tightened his hold but that didn't change the fact that he wanted to be able to protect her. He wanted to believe that by wrapping her in his arms he could somehow erase all that had happened to her and shield her from all that was still to come. She still had a long road ahead of her. They still had a long road ahead of them.

"I'm ready to go home, El." Olivia's voice lacked the confidence he was used to hearing, but what he did hear was enough for him to react. He opened the car door, waiting for her to settle in before placing her crutches in the back seat. He then got in behind the wheel, pulling the seat belt across his chest. He glanced at Olivia and for a brief moment they were Benson and Stabler again, detectives, partners, friends.

"I had Alex help me set everything up." Elliot started the car, praying Olivia would be okay with the place he found for them. "We can change whatever you don't like."

"I'm sure it's fine." Olivia stared out the window as the scenery began to change the further they drove from Bellevue. It felt good to be back in the city, the traffic, the car horns and the commotion. It felt good to listen to Elliot as he cursed his fellow drivers, the familiar felt good. It was when Elliot pulled up in front of their new apartment building that she felt the pull in her chest and it was when he turned the car off that she forced herself to breathe deeply. "Nice, El. Not far from the one-six."

"It's what I could find, besides you know the neighborhood this way." Elliot sat still waiting for Olivia to decide if she were ready or not. "I just thought..."

"No, it's fine." Olivia didn't move from her position in the car and so neither did Elliot. "I don't know if I could go back there. I would always see him, hear him...feel him. It's just...it was my home."

Elliot didn't say a word and the silence seemed to be what Olivia needed as she finally opened the door and stepped out onto the sidewalk. He hurried around the car, getting her crutches for her. "There's an elevator."

Olivia smiled and the cautious way she proceeded into the building unnerved Elliot. He unlocked the door when they arrived at what would be Olivia's new home and waited for her to enter. He watched as she scanned the room, her eyes traveling everywhere despite her body staying perfectly still. "Seems pretty big, I don't need this much space, El."

"Yeah, about that." Elliot shut and locked the door behind them, taking Olivia's crutches after she had managed to get to the couch. "I may need a place to stay for a while. Kathy will get the house in the divorce, it's only right, you know, for the kids."

"I'm sorry, El." Olivia genuinely was sorry that he and Kathy could not work things out. "How is she doing?"

"I think she may be a bit relieved. She was quite clear she had had enough of the SVU, the hours, the stress...me." Elliot spoke with little emotion and that fact was not lost on Olivia. "I can see my kids as much as I want, she was adamant about that. She is a good mother."

"She very much is. She was a good wife too, El." Olivia and Elliot shared a glance that said they both knew the toll their positions had taken on them. "I'm glad you're staying, I...don't know if I'm ready to be alone just yet."

Elliot sat down next to Olivia on the couch. "Liv, I know we need to talk about how I left and we will. I have agreed to talk to someone, through the department, and...I have a lot to deal with."

Olivia watched Elliot closely as he fought through his own emotions. "You're still on the force, El. Cragen looked out for you."

"Yeah, he did." Elliot looked away, hating that his partner wasn't on the force with him. "I will leave the SVU...have to."

"Is that what you want?" Elliot looked back at Olivia when he heard a hint of her old self in her voice.

"It is. It's been too long, I need to move on to something different." Elliot reached out, taking Olivia's hand in his own. "Have you thought about what you'll do?"

Olivia's slight shaking of her head caused Elliot's chest to tighten. He leaned in close, his body close, his face close to hers. He knew better than to crowd her, but the way she allowed him close was encouraging.

"Will you allow me to help you?" Elliot held Olivia's eyes with his own until he could see the tears begin to form. He placed his hand carefully along the side of his partner's face, letting his thumb catch the stray tears as they fell. He then gently kissed her, allowing for her to pull away or swing at him. He figured there would be a good chance she would do both. What he didn't expect was the way she did respond which was to easily fall into the kiss, accepting him with all that she could right then. Elliot closed his eyes, realizing how in tune he always was with his partner. He rested his forehead against hers as they allowed for the silence.

"El, what are we doing?" Olivia kept her eyes closed, refusing to break contact.

"I don't know, but we'll figure it out." Elliot pulled back, encouraging Olivia to look him in the eyes. "I want to be here for you in whatever way you want me to. You just have to tell me."

Olivia stared at Elliot, before quickly swiping at her own tears. "How about a tour?"

Elliot quickly got to his feet, offering his hand to Olivia. "This is the living room and I set it up exactly the way you had it. Replaced your coffee table seeing how it somehow got broken...in the move...by the movers..."

Olivia smiled. She somehow remembered Elliot telling her that he had broken her table despite trying to forget all that had happened.

"Your bedroom, Alex took care of this part." Elliot shifted gears when he saw Olivia looked toward the bedroom adjacent hers. "Guest room, or mine for now."

"It's very nice, El, but still more room then we need." Olivia glanced at another room where she opened the door to reveal a full furnished bedroom. "Another guest room."

"Liv, I may have overstepped my bounds, but..." Elliot rubbed his face with his hands before getting permission from Olivia's expression to continue. "How many victims have we helped throughout our career. How many did we save and get to trial? Only to call it a job well done, close the case and move on. Rarely if ever did we follow up on any of those victims. Not our job, I know, but haven't you ever wondered what happened to those girls, those women?"

"You know I do, El. You know I have." Olivia felt the tears start again as she knew exactly where Elliot was going.

"I was hoping maybe we could bring Sara Esteban here...just until she got on her feet." Elliot reached out and wiped away the tears that were now falling freely. "She still needs you, Liv and I believe you need her."

Olivia slowly lowered herself down onto what would be Sara's bed. She dropped her head into her hands, knowing Elliot was waiting, knowing he would continue to wait for her answer.

"Do you think she'll come here? Do you think she'll allow us to help her?" Olivia looked up at Elliot then and the concern he saw in her eyes made him react so that he was kneeling down in front of her.

"I think we won't know if we don't ask her. Grace is expecting us." Elliot smiled and the way his blue eyes danced forced Olivia to smile as well.

Grace answered the door, immediately inviting Olivia and Elliot into her home. Elliot smiled as he closed the door behind the women, causing them both to look at him. "Is something funny, Stabler?" Grace raised an eye brow at Elliot.

"No, no. Nice to see you dressed down is all. However, you do lose quite a few inches without the heels." Stabler extended his hand to Grace and the look they shared expressed more than words ever could.

Grace then looked to Olivia, motioning with her head toward a back bedroom where Sara was resting. "She's been sleeping since she's been here. It's to be expected, she needs it."

Olivia knocked softly on the door to Sara's room. "Sara?" She glanced up at Grace when there was no answer. "We can come back, I don't want to wake her."

Olivia turned when the door opened and Sara stood before her. She held Olivia's eyes, refusing to turn away.

"I didn't mean to wake you." Olivia spoke, allowing Sara to search her for whatever it was she needed to see. "Are you doing okay?"

Sara nodded. "Too quiet to sleep."

Olivia nodded.

"Bed is too comfortable, temperature is too perfect and it's entirely way to safe here." Sara smiled when she looked up at Grace. "Not really used to all this."

"Sara, I was wondering if you would consider staying with Elliot and me. Until you get on your feet or want to leave." Olivia searched Sara's face, looking for anything that would tip her off as to Sara's thoughts. She moved a little closer to Sara, close enough to touch her, but careful not to. "Please, Sara. Let me do this for you."

Sara shook her head and grabbed a hold of Olivia, wrapping her arms around her. "I don't know what to do, Olivia. I don't know how to be, how to survive in this world anymore."

Olivia rested her chin on the top of Sara's head as she held the younger woman. "We'll figure it out together, Sara. We both have a long way to go, but there are people willing to help us." Olivia glanced up at Grace, before closing her eyes against Sara's shaking body. Olivia held Sara away from her, allowing for eye contact once again. Olivia knew she would never forget those eyes. The way Sara watched over her at Taconic, the way they begged her to get up during the riot and the way they thanked her when Olivia stopped the guard from killing her. Olivia could see the little girl that was still there when she looked into those eyes. The scared little girl that clung to Olivia as she removed her from her father's home.

Sara shifted her gaze to Elliot who simply nodded. She then looked back up at Olivia and shook her head yes.

Olivia pulled her into her arms again. She needed Sara and of course Elliot recognized that.

Grace stood by and watched as Elliot carried the little belongings that Sara had to the car. Sara hugged Grace and reluctantly followed Elliot without Olivia but sensed that the older women wanted a few minutes.

"I don't know how this will go, but I have to try. I owe her." Olivia looked Grace in the eye as she spoke knowing Grace would allow whatever she had to say. "I want to help her. I want her to succeed and be happy."

"Olivia, it's not about who owes who. You know that. It's about paying it forward."

"Like you've done." Olivia's smile warmed Grace and she was glad to see it reach her eyes finally.

"Like I try to do. I'm no hero, Liv. But to that girl, you are and I bet in a lot of ways, she is yours." Grace took a few steps toward Olivia. "Take care of each other, the fight is by no means over, for either of you. You know that, I'm sure."

Olivia nodded. "That girl can fight to survive but will she? I guess that's what remains to be seen."

"She'll fight as long as you do." Grace reached for Olivia's hand. "I really don't think I've ever met anybody like you, Olivia Benson and I want to be here for you...whenever and however you need me to be."

Olivia fought her emotions. "I'll call you."

"No, you won't." Grace pulled Olivia to her and she instantly felt just how far Olivia had to go. "But I'll call you. You can count on that. You can trust me."

"I know." Olivia positioned her crutches so that she was ready to leave Grace's home. She turned to look at Grace. "You have to fight to fight. Sometimes it's impossible to win and it's unlikely you'll survive. But still you fight."

Grace nodded at Olivia and with that Olivia was gone. She had survived and she knew Olivia possessed the strength to continue the fight. It was who she was and who she would always be. Grace wouldn't have had the strength to survive the fight if it had not been for the woman who stood by her through her terrible ordeal years ago. She let the tears fall freely now that she was alone for now she knew she had repayed the favor. She payed if forward and now Sara Esteban would have a chance at the life she deserved. Olivia Benson would find her way, she was too strong not to.

**A/N: It is so very hard to say goodbye to a story that I have been so totally invested in for the past year and a half. It has been a journey to say the least and am saddened that it must end. I know the subject matter turned many readers away, especially in the beginning. But for those that stuck with me and followed this story, I appreciate all the feedback and encouraging comments. To many, "Fighting to Survive" is just another story. To me, it is so much more than that and isn't that the way it should be?**

**Sincerely, Jennylyne**


	41. Chapter 41

Fighting to Survive

I finished "Fighting to Survive" over a year ago and then was encouraged to write a follow up. I started "Committing to Win" but soon abandoned it. For those of you that were following that story I do apologize as I know that can be frustrating especially to loyal and faithful readers.

I wanted to take a few minutes and share with the readers and especially the writers that choose to write here on fanfiction. I rarely spoke to my readers before and after chapters...just not my way. I preferred to let the story speak for itself. I read many stories here on fanfiction before I got the courage to attempt one of my own. Some really awesome stories and doubted I could compare but quickly realized that wasn't what this was all about. It is a safe way to practice, a quick way to get some feedback and encouragement and a great way to meet new friends. I have met some awesome people through fanfic and feel very blessed.

I look back at my first posted story on here and it wasn't all that great. I often look at the reviews even after I've moved on to other stories and read over them often. I do that with all my stories. I realized then but even now how much I appreciated those that took the time to leave a comment, or to favorite or sign up for an alert. Those are the things that encourage a writer and certainly what encouraged me. I asked for opinions when I posted and that is what I got. Good or bad, I appreciated and took in all the feedback I received.

Fighting to Survive was a risk for me. I tough write and a tough read as I often was told. I wanted to challenge myself to dig deeper and writer harder. The content turned some readers away and I respected that. Others stuck it out with me and read it to the end and I so appreciated it.

After "fighting" I went on to begin an original novel with an original character I created. I wanted to leave the safety of fanfiction and write my own novel. I published "Unwritten" in June of 2013 and am very proud of my first attempt. I constantly looked back at "fighting" and knew I wanted to do more with it. I decided to convert it also into an original, changing the characters and setting a bit to make it completely my own. Not as easy as it would seem and I found it quite a challenge. However, I didn't want to leave this story behind and I completed it and have just published it as well.

So for those of you interested, "Fighting to Survive" and "Unwritten" are available on Amazon in both book and kindle format. I mainly wanted to "update" so that I could share with fellow writers who want to write their own novels. It is very hard to describe the feeling of holding a book you have written in your hands. And for those that read and wonder if they could possibly write...go for it. Try. Why not?

I haven't abandoned my fanfic stories that are incomplete. I do actually miss writing fanfic and intend to get back to it. Life sometimes gets in the way and kids and work and...well, life. Reading and writing is an escape from all of that for me.

So thank you to those that have read my stories and to those that encouraged me in ways you may not even know you have. It only takes a few minutes to leave a review for a writer that may have taken hours or even days to write a chapter. You may not think your words will help, but I am writing today because they do.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Bourdeau (jennylyne)


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